Thursday, January 31, 2008

"Anybody Ever Tell You, You Look Like...?"

I look like nobody if you ask me. Shoot! I don't even look like my daddy.

I Look A Lil' Somethin' Like This...

I always knew white people thought all blacks looked alike, but they took it to another level in high school. I was Mr. Basketball at the time, so they compared me to pretty much every player in the NBA, even this dude that wore a mask. We never seen his face, but to them, I looked like his ass.

Of course, I spent my share of time sporting a baldy just because...[Michael Jordan], so a few kids told me I looked like... Michael Jordan. Crackah, please! Who else...? My boy Brian swore I looked like Isaiah Thomas. I also got Chris Webber and on a non-ballin' tip, I got
Eddie Murphy and I think Arsenio Hall once. [Blogger's Note: They look
nothing alike, so how in the world can an 11-year-old Carl look like both

Soon enough, black people got in on the action. And let me tell you, we're no better than white people. If any of you are friends of mine on facebook, you'll see that my boy Qwest commented, "damn! You really look like Cassidy" about the following pic.

[See Cassidy Photo Here]

Who, how, when, where, what? When I rocked the afro, they said I looked like Kobe Bryant. When I got the braids some people tried to say D'Angelo, R. Kelly, Ludacris. Oh! And Toby thinks I look like Dwight Howard. Now notice that though I disagree 100%, I'm not complaining because the ladies love most of these dudes. The complaints started when somebody told me I look like Wesley Snipes. Oh hell no! Me and dude only have two things in common. We're black and we'll karate kid kick yo ass if you try to hijack a plane.

But other than that, people been saying I look like Omar Epps forever. The other person I surprinsingly got a lot is Mos Def. The funny thing is my boys Ed and Fred were clowning me, saying that I looked like Mos on the Black and Both Sides cover. I thought they were joking. But then, people started telling me left and right. With Mos, it apparently wasn't so much of a physical resemblance. I allegedly remind people of Mos for some reason. Like they'd see Mos and think of me.

Anyway, some people have accepted being look-a-likes. Like my boy Yves doesn't mind being told he's Cee-Lo. Me, I'll deny any resemblance to the death. But you know who I really look like for real, for real? That dude I see in the mirror every morning. I'm sure you guys get your share of comparisons. Speak on it!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Erykah Badu Got A Phat Ass And Sh-T!

Erykah Badu...

As I've previously mentioned on this blog, I love Erykah to death. It's absolutelly not sexual though. I just love her music.

Well, at least I never looked at her that way until I saw her new video
for "Honey." You see, all these years, I've been under the impression
that Badu had a broomstick body type. But come to think about it, she
never wore anything to show off her figure. She always rocked those
weird robes.

Watch Erykah Badu's "Honey"

So I'm watching "Honey" and at the 2:48 mark, Erykah, wearing some type
of black spandex, reveals her profile.Dude, she kinda got a phatty, surprisingly. I'm wondering if Andre 3000,Common and D.O.C. fell for her after seeing that same profile. You know
Erykah got that super cooch...allegedly! But seriously, peep the clip. It's one of the most refreshing vids I've seen in a while. Speak on it!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I Could Have Saved Lauryn Hill...

Lauryn Hill...

I gotta shout out my dude Cash for giving me this idea.

I used to walk around like the 6th Jackson. Ask my sisters. They'll tell you I used to rock this beige jacket and for some delusional reason I thought it resembled that "Michael Jackson [Thriller] Jacket... with all them zippers."

But if I had to be in any group in history, I would have to be a member of The Fugees. I actually wouldn't be the fourth member, I'd take Pras' spot. I'd let him be my manager if he still wanted to be involved though. Why the Fugees? Well, they're one of the most important Haitian
groups ever. And if I was a Fugee, we'd still be together.

First off, I'd get to Lauryn Hill before Clef. Since I'm a single dude, there wouldn't be any adultery scandal to mess with her head. Sure, Lauryn is some years older than me, so we'd start having kids when I was like 18 or something, but after selling 17 mill, I'm sure I wouldn't
sweat it much. I would never dump Lauryn, so no Marleys, just three or four Chery babies, so she probably never would have went crazy.

Unfortunately, there wouldn't be a Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill without a Clef affair. But as talented as she is, I'm sure she'd come up with something just as good. Plus, since she'd still be sane, she would have kept recording, so we'd have a few more Lauryn and Fugees records on the iPod. What about you guys? What group would you be a part of? Speak on

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Dude...Would You Watch Brokeback Now?

Heath Ledger (1979-2008)

So me and my friend Janice were talking about Heath Ledger the other night and of course, Brokeback Mountain came up.
She was telling me how great the movie was. Oh, I don't doubt it. It was critically acclaimed and received Academy Award nominations for Best Motion Picture and Best Supporting Actor for Heath, among other nods.

But of course, like every freaking straight dude I know, I haven't seen it. To be honest, I wouldn't fault any dude if they did see it. Just like I've put No Country For Old Men and Juno on my list this year, I usually want to see Award-nominated flicks to see what the buzz is about for myself.

Let's face it, guys. We've all see dudes kiss. Wether it be watching The Real World or being blind-sided around the city. The difference is, we usually don't plan on seeing it. I remember telling my ex, "it's one thing to be cool with dudes at the job, but I wouldn't willingly go chill with a bunch of F.I.T. students other than my dude, Ali. (PAUSE!) But I'm thinking, now with Heath deceased, are any of you guys thinking about watching the flick? You know his work is about to be studied like crazy now and The Dark Night, in which he plays the joker, is about to be the year's biggest blockbuster. It's on HBO On Demand now, but you know what, there are certain things you just want to keep on record. And I like saying, "no, I've never seen Brokeback ot The Titanic."

So fellers, keep it funky. Which one of you has seen it? And ladies, do you know men who have admitted to seeing it, perhaps while trying to impress you with their sensitive sides? Speak on it!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Meet My New Girlfriend...

Jessica Lucas...

Unfortunately I'm not being literal with this title. That's actress Jessica Lucas in case you're wondering. She stars in Cloverfield, the year's biggest blockbuster movie to date (until The Dark Knight opens...R.I.P. Heath Ledger again).

I always look for token blacks in movies, but when I first saw her in a promotional flick, I initially was like, "whatever!" Probably cause she's running from some giant monster in the flick. Not the best time to be glammed up. But I wish somebody told me she was coming to the office, cause I saw footage of her being interviewed on "The Black Carpet" yesterday and that was it. She's my new chick.

Though not bad, I actually don't think the pic above does her justice. What do you say, fellers? Seen Cloverfield yet? I haven't, but it's on my short list after Juno. Speak on it!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Bobby Brown Thinks I Read...

Bobby Brown

So I met and interviewed Bobby Brown for the first time earlier today.
Sure, he's not the "original king of R&B anymore, but I always appreciate meeting people I grew up on. I remember visiting my older brother Gary (with my older sister Valerie) in Ottawa for a few weeks back in the day. Don't Be Cruel was on repeat, especially "Rock With You."

But anyway, the interview went well. It was very comfortable. Aside from cracking a few jokes and suggesting that he did something special to celebrate Don't Be Cruel's 20th Anniversary, I didn't do anything out of the I thought. But after thanking him for his time after the interview, Bobby replied with, "thank you, brother. You just made me wanna read more. Cause I know you read." Uh? LOL

The funny thing is I hardly do. My attention span is just inferior. I'm still stuck on page 20 of Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man and I bought it when I was still in college. Interestingly, he's not the first person to tell me that. Mak P, the engineer I worked with at Soundclash Studios, was shocked when I told him I didn't read. Oh well! Hopefully I can prove Bobby right one day. Speak on it!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

PhotoJAYnic: The Camera Vs. Jay-Z

"You're too close, mon!"

So I'm in K.O.'s office Tuesday when a popular topic, Jay-Z, comes up. I'm not sure how the subject came up, but I just started cracking on Hov's flicks and joked that I would write a blog entitled, "PhotoJAYnic: The Camera Vs. Jay-Z." K.O. was dying and insisted that we posted something.

I bet Mr. Carter is thankful for money and status, cause dude probably wouldn't get play on E Harmony if he wasn't famous. Interestingly, Jay's at his best when part of his face is covered by a hat or some hoodie.

Better still doesn't mean it's good...

I think dude was really trying to pose here...

Jay is no Zoolander...

Don't nobody go in the bathroom fo' bout 45-55 minutes...

I ain't never lie. Speak on it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Is It Because I'm Black?

I'm not big on pulling the race card, but I'm afraid I'll have to make an exception tonight.

My job requires be to be the token black reporter every now and then. Those events usually call for interesting black-on-black experiences. For instance, I remember Andre 3000 giving me the immediate nod when noticing that I was the only young black male attending a press junket for his Class Of 3000 Cartoon series a few years back. I remember receiving similar nods from Terrence Howard and Jay-Z at other events.

Cool! But I just got back from a screening for Black Magic (basketball documentary) at the Bryant Park Hotel in Manhattan. So, the second I check in, I notice this sista greeting folks near the entrance. I wasn't expecting a hug or anything, but she just gave me some emotionless plastic smile. She so happened to be red bone, but that's an entirely different post. Little do you know, I bumped into her on the way out. As soon as I pass her (no smiles or aurevoirs), I hear, "did you enjoy the movie? All right, gentlemen (not Black in case you're wondering), have a good night."

Gentlemen, uh? Cool, I had a skully on, but I was also sporting a pretty nice sweater. And last I checked, I didn't have any holes in my shoes. So why can't you ask me about the movie? Sure, I kept dosing off, but that's not the point. It was too dark in there for you to see my ass anyway. I hate to say it, but this can't be a coincidence. Speak on it!

R.I.P. Heath Ledger!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Crazy Stories: There's A Stranger In My House

If only it was freaking Tamia. Unfortunately, I'm talking rodents, here. I've since gotten rid of the problem, but I'll never forget the first time I saw one in the crib.

It was my last apartment back in Jamaica, Queens. Mind you, I had never seen one in the house before, even as a kid. So one day, I'm walking into the kitchen when I see Jerry's punk ass just chilling near the stove. "Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!" I screamed like a biatch, I swear. I ran back into the freaking living room all scared and then promptly called my landlord to let them know about the situation. They apologized and provided me with one of them glue traps (the best) and in no time, Jerry got evicted.

It changed my life, man. The next day I'm dosing off on the train and I suddenly jumped, thinking Jerry snuck up on me. Imagine my surprise when I got home and saw Jerry's cousin chillin near the stove again. "What the..." I had to smarten up. There was more than one and the stove indicated a pattern. I looked around the crib for holes and place traps in strategic places. But I wasn't scared anymore. Ohhhhhh no! I was walking around thinking I was all tough. I mean, the nerve of this dude to just sneak into the crib. He wasn't even paying rent. Soon enough, I caught Jerry's cousin and got sadistic on his ass. I pushed him into a ziplock box, took him outside by the trash and introduced him to my old Timbaland boot. I know it was messed up, but I was so pissed.

I have since moved and Jerry's ghost or any of his relatives have yet to visit (knock on wood). Best believe my paranoid ass covered up anything that looks like a hole. Now people, don't you dare front like you haven't dealt with Jerry's at least once. How did you get rid of him? Speak on it.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Idris Elba > Morris Chestnut?

Idris Elba
Morris Chestnut

I talk about women plenty on these blogs, so I thought I'd dedicate one to the ladies. I just got back from the BET Honors and saw your man Idris Elba on the red carpet.

Now, I've been hearing women rave about dude for a minute, but to see them respond to him in person, I must say... he is the man. "Oh, I love him," some women said. "I just wanna hug him," others offered. I mean, looking around, grown ass women were just losing it and couldn't stop staring at dude. Just hilarious!

It got worse at the After Party. Dude was chilling with regular folks. Women were practically in line for pics, hugs or digit slips. That's when it hit me. Idris took Morris Chestnut's spot. It's all "Idris, Idris and Idris" these days. I mean, I hardly hear chicks say anything about Ricky from Boyz N Da Hood anymore. I'm not sure why? Could it because he's bald all of a sudden? What is it ladies? Idris Elba > Morris Chestnut? If you had to pick? Who would it be? My vote wouldn't count in this matter, but I'll say this. Idris is a good actor with award winning potential. Ricky isn't bad, but he isn't that good either. Speak on it!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Chocolate City

I have no clue who this chick is. I found her on google. But I'll keep it short tonight. I gotta pack my bags. The kid is heading to D.C. on business tomorrow morning.

I heard Chocolate City got some of the finest sisters in the country. Can't wait to see for myself. If it's true, I may never come back. But I'm taking the day off tomorrow. I'll be back Monday to kick off "Crazy Story Week." Through five days I'll be posting some of the wackiest, least believable tales that have happened to me over the years. You ain't ready. In the meantime you can always give me some insight into D.C. Speak on it!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The Longest Laugh Ever...

I seem to find humour in everything. I remember three particular episodes in which I laughed so hard, it took me all my strength to stop.

First time out me, my sister Valerie and my cousin Tony were watching "Men At Work" in his parent's basement. I must have been 9 or 10 years old. So at one point in the flick, Keith David's character called someone "mr. Bone head." I just lost it. There must have been something about his tone or delivery at the time because the phrase just doesn't call for laughs anymore. I was also just a kid. But who knows? What I do know is that I laughed for roughly ten minutes straight, woke up my aunt and uncle and had to step out of the house so I wouldn't wake anybody else up.

Fast forward to All-Star weekend last year. Me and my dude Ali Vegas are at the Bellagio discussing Danny Gans. You see, Gans is one of those Vegas entertainers frequently advertised on taxis and billboards. Anyway, you couldn't possibly get it since you weren't there, but me and Vegas just started flipping this guy's name around and somehow incorporated some Andrew Dice Clay-ish character into the mix. We lost it! Laughed for five minutes, took a ten second break then laughed for five more. Just when it seemed that one of us had ceased, the other's laughter would get the both of us going again. We were crying! People were looking at us like we were nuts. It got to a point where I was laughing so hard, my stomach was hurting. Hands down the longest and hardest laugh ever. I almost forgot. Me, Ed, Guytwin and Fred had a pretty hard laugh during a basketball game this summer. I won't incriminate anybody. It's up to him if he wants to share.

Well, I had another long laugh today. By now some of you are already familiar with Reh Dogg. Sorry for being late, but I stumbled on dude's catalog last night. Man, I was watching "Blacken Chinese Man" and "Must I Cry" all day. I laughed til I cried, yo. How about you guys? When's the last time you've laughed for five minutes straight? See for yourselves and then speak on it.

"Blacken Chinese Man"

I Heard This Is A Classic..."Why Must I Cry"

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I Look Like An Idiot!

Not in this photo in particular. I'm presently sitting at my work desk by myself and can't stop laughing out loud. People probably think I'm crazy, but this is beyound words. See what has me laughing for yourselves.

See! Man, just when I thought I had things under control, I went back to my work only to randomly bust out laughing ten minutes later. This dude is a genius. The funny thing is I got this from Mela's blog this weekend and I'm still cracking up. Speak on it.

Monday, January 7, 2008

There's Something In My Eye

I'm currently riding the train listening to Phil Collins' "Against All Odds"! The song is so emotionally-charged. It's a tear jerker...I think. While I've never cried at the movies (me and my sister laughed during Shindler's List) or during a song, I understand why certain pieces move folks to tears.
Whitney Houston songs make me wanna bawl my damn self. The content doesn't even have to be sad, her voice alone does the trick. Then I see reruns of "Being Bobby Brown" or flicks of her chilling with Ray J and I have to fight off tears. Come to think about it, it's been too long since I've cried.

Man, I was 13. I remember getting this silver chain with a baseball player pendant that summer. Well, I won't discuss details of the incident, but let's just say my chain broke. But since then, nothing. I've lost championship games and relatives, but still nothing. As you can probably tell from the chain tale, I used to be a cry baby. I'm starting to think there isn't anything left in the well.

I did have a close call at my grandmother's funeral in Haiti three years ago. It was nuts seeing my uncles, aunts and cousins lose it. I think I would have crumbled if my parents started tearing up. But they didn't. To this day I've never seen them cry. I guess that's where I get it from. I did feel horrible for not crying though. Only me, my parents and one of my cousins didn't need tissues.

For the record, there's nothing wrong with crying. We all crack sometimes. I just haven't in a while. But with all this crap bottled up, I may just break down if I read some crazy Whitney headline. How about you guys? When was the last time you've cried and why? Speak on it!

Sidebar: Funny I should post this on the day Hillary Clinton got choked up.Feel free to weigh in on that as well.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Lisa Stansfield vs. Taylor Dayne: Who's The Blacker White Singer?

First off, get it right, Ron. It's Leslie Wunderman, not Lisa. And who cares if she dropped her government? Black folks do it all the time. Anna Mae Bullock (Tina Turner), Caryn Elaine Johnson (Whoopi Goldberg), Bernard (Delicious)...pause! Should I keep going?

As Ron already explained, I previously wrote a post entitled "the blackest white singers ever..." To make a long story short, Taylor Dayne was mentioned while Lisa Stansfield was left off and Ron took offense. He then vowed to prove without a reasonable doubt, that Stansfield had a phatter ass than Dayne. But since we're being niggorant here, look at Taylor's lips. They black as hell.

Now, I won't even sit here and knock Stansfield. She's a great singer. But what in hell does Arsenio Hall have to do with anything? Celine Dion, Bette Middler and Dolly Parton "tore" it down there too. It doesn't make them any blacker now does it?

As for the Barry White co-sign, it got me reaching. I'ma keep it funky, I'm not enough of an asshole to bring up Dayne's work with Rodney Jerkins to support my argument. But she did remake Barry's "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love."

Watch Taylor Dayne's "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love"

But you know what, Paul McCartney got two songs with Michael Jackson and it doesn't make him any blacker than John Lennon was. R.I.P. So Lisa singing with Barry, though she did rip it, don't mean squat. This is what it comes down to. We're talking about who's blacker here. I remember my older sister playing Stansfield's tape around the apartment. I liked it a lot. I eventually saw the video for "Been Around The World" and didn't notice anything in particular. On the flip side, I, well...flipped out when I saw Taylor Dayne for the first time. To this day we think she's just light skin. So, Taylor Dayne 2008!

[Click Here To Read Ron's Lisa Stansfield Campaign]

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Starbucks Sucks: Can't Stand Coffee Shop Chicks!

Pardon my niggorance on this one. But I swear by Erykah Badu and own every Roots album, so I often end up rubbing elbows with the backpack crowd. The thing is, I don't have dreads, but do wear sneakers and lotion, so whenever I go see Mos Def perform, them people look at me like, "what the f*ck is this guy doing here?"

One thing I can't stand about Coffee Shop chicks is how elitist they are. I mean, some of them front on Jay-Z being lyrical just cause he never rhymed about shae butter. Gimme a break! I've been in many conversations where Coffee reps tried to sell me on some new ashy act thinking I was down. Raheem Devaughn has to be the best example. I did like that "You" song. It was dope! But besides that, I don't get it. After I complained about dude being nothing special, one chick even confessed something like, "he ain't that good, but until D'Angelo stops looking like ODB, he's a good replacement." WTF?

I didn't like what he did on Beanie Sigel's album, he ruined Talib Kweli's "Country Cousins" and though I appreciated the content on "Woman," it just doesn't cut it. So newsflash, assholes! Dilated Peoples is not good, Jurrasic 5 sounds like a barbershop quartet, Goapele is boring (she's bad though) and the tooth fairy isn't real. Speak on it!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Who Showers At The Gym?

I don't. I just take my sweaty ass home and shower there. I mean, unless I'm pressed for time and have to rush somewhere afterwards, I don't shower at the gym. And if I do, I power walk to my locker-towel covering pec to toe-as soon as I'm done.

But those days are most likely done. I recently upgraded my gym membership (any Ballys in the city) and started hitting this club on W19th and 6th Ave. I quickly noticed that I was like the only dude looking at girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Sorry to say, but it made me think twice about taking a shower there. I mean, excuse me for liking breastesses, but the thought just makes me uncomfortable. Just the other day, I was opening my locker when some dude, meat (pause) hangin' like it's nobody's business, popped up in my peripheral. Not even a freaking towel. So the next time I'm late. Don't be mad. I probably had to stop home to take a shower. Speak on it!