Sunday, July 6, 2008
In case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty irritable.
I mean, it's all in fun, but how else do you explain my dismay for interior shades, scarves, contacts and self-proclaimed "cool people?" It's no different when it comes to poultry. I'm pretty anal, pause. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned being allergic to birds before. Extended bird exposure triggers my asthma and I start wheezing. I can't even wear snorkels, cause the coats are stuffed with feathers.
I ain't got time to pluck no chickens. And bird-brain behavior is definitely a deal-breaker. I remember going to the movies with this pelican a while back. You know I'm scatter brain, so I zoned out right around the time I got to the front of the ticket line. This cock sucking woodpecker (pun intended?) had the nerve to give me this, "what you waiting for, pay the man" look. Ohhhhh, it was over instantly. It was right around the first day of winter, so I told the pigeon she may as well migrate. Mind you, I was gonna pay. It was all in her attitude. I know some of you dudes may have stuck it out hoping for a kiss on the cheek. Me, not so moche. This wasn't a traditional deal-breaker, though. Matter fact, I took the time to explore potential first date deal-breakers.
Boogers: It's all timing with the boogie man. We all get them. So if one slides off your left nostril a few months into dating, you're probably good. First date, you're toast.
Trips & Falls: This is a tricky one. I probably wouldn't care if a girl fell on the date. The thing is, depending on how bad the chute was, the fallen may be too embarassed to face you again, so it may turn into a deal-breaker.
The Other Man/Woman: Apparently, looking at another woman during the first date is a deal -breaker. I mean, it is only the first date. It all depends on the look. But if you terminate the dater for trying to sneak a glance, I ain't mad at you. It may just be a pattern indicator.
Declined: I won't go out if I don't have any money, so this should never happen to me (fingers crossed). But if your card gets declined when the check comes, don't expect to hear from shorty again.
Spill It: This is a toss up (I think?) I don't know what I'd do if someone spilled something on me on the first rendez-vous. I think it depends on A) how much you're feeling the person B) How big the stain is.
The Ex Factor: It's normal for past relationships to come up, but they shouldn't be recurring themes throughout the date.
Let Me Get A Dollar: A friend of mine told me some dude spent his last on drinks and later asked her for a few bills so he can cop a hot dog. Wait! It gets better. Since homie ran out of money, he then asked her to swipe him in, so he can take the train home. All that on the first date. True story.
Dumb Movie Questions: Don't ask me what just happened. I'm seeing the movie for the first time just like you. Rather than ask me questions, look for clues and figure it out. That's what I do.
Get Off The Phone: It's one thing if your phone is your watch, but being glued to your device for most of the night probably isn't a good look. That being said, I confess to being a repeat offender. Oh well, Phillies won.
Ewwwwwww!: It's the first date, so we shouldn't be close enough for me to know you have racoon breath. Similarly, I heard MUESS has this new Skunk body spray some of these orioles have been using. Not a good look.
*Lateness?: Me and my dates never seem to be on time and for the most part, it has never really mattered. Perhaps some of you feel different.
What do ya'll think? What are your personal first date deal-breakers?