Friday, August 29, 2008

Captain Carl Save A Hoe!

I don't love these hoes, but I save them sometimes.

As selfish and indifferent as I can be, I sometimes turn into a good samaritan, even to hoes. I'ma mind your business and don't break up the fight type of dude, but some situations call for an intervention. I'm a part-time hoe savior, but I still need some work. I'm not too good at it. I remember venturing to some random party right after T-Pain's album release last summer. I was over there with my dudes Brent Woodie and Skye.

So at some point, I'm walking by the speakers when this chick sitting on it, grabs me with her legs and pulls me in closer. She hugs me, blurts out something totally incoherent and then tries to kiss me. WTF? You should have seen Brent and Skye's jaws drop. Mind you, I was twisted myself, but not that twisted. She looked pretty good, but I didn't know shorty from a hole in a wall. She was obviously plastered beyond belief and needed to leave the club before some douche got his hands on her. I asked her where her friends were and she clumsily pointed to some bird dancing on a speaker.

Me: Hey, you need to get your friend out of here. She's too wasted. She tried to kiss me just now. Some dudes will take advantage of her.

Bird: I don't even know her like that. She followed us here from the T-Pain party.

I spent the next five minutes trying to convince the girl to leave the club as vultures slowly gathered around waiting for me to finally leave her alone. Then some dude randomly walks over and grabs her hand on some "let's go" ish.

Me: What are you doing?

Douche: ...

Me: [Turns To Bird]

Bird: That's my homeboy. He knows her.

Me: [Turns to douche and grabs drunk girl's hand back] What's her name?

Douche: I know her.

Me: Then, what's her name?

Douche: I know her.

I knew he was lying, but for some reason I just stopped trying to save her. I wasn't about to karate kid kick this dude's ass over some chick I didn't know. Perhaps she didn't wanna be saved. Then again, she didn't look too enthused about her new friend. It wasn't surprising to see dude tonguing her by the downstairs bathroom minutes later while some other dude copped a feel. I confronted the bird on the way out, but she was too busy touching her toes for some dude. I failed miserably that one time, but at least I succeeded last night.

I ended up chatting these two chicks up on the way home from my boy J's birthday party. It turns out they lived in my neighbordhood. In this case, they weren't hoes, just very very friendly. So we get to Myrtle/Broadway station and this Jamaican dude asks me, "Can I join in?" It wasn't my place to say yes or no, so I just told dude we just met. Dude gladly stepped in and began his cooch mission. Mind you, he lived at the Myrtle stop, but got on the Ridgewood-bound train with us. The girls eventually got to their stop, hugged me goodbye and shook the other dude's hand. Get this! Dude still got off the train. Thankfully, I took both girls' information when dude started getting weird a few minutes prior. So I called one of them to make sure they were straight and dude was apparently following them home. I stayed on the phone with her until the slime ball left.

This is scary to me, so I can only imagine how you women feel. I guess these types are the reason women are afraid to walk home alone late at night. The bad thing is, these situations will probably never stop happening. The good thing is, it looks like I'm getting the hang of this hoe saving thing.


B.Scully said...

LMAO... The "Me, Bird, Douche" exchange was hilarious.. You're a good dude.. and here I am this whole time thinking you were more of the vulture type..

Cypha said...

I feel you, I'm a bleeding heart but dude it was her choice to get drunk. Not to say she deserved to be molested, but now what happens if the douche swung on you?

You either
A) get your ass kicked (which is not a good look)
B) Kick his ass, which is still not a good look because now you have beef over some broad who can't hold her liquor.

I remember once me and my best friend saw this chick getting slapped up by her man. We approached homie, hemmed him up and the crazy bird starts attacking us and shit like "Leave him alone."

So we let dude go and what does he do? Continue to beat her ass for "causing a scene."

Abner Charles said...

The Montreal in you making you do those things
We may trash a street cause our team won game
But we are now part time rapists ...
Well those of us not in gangs and those of us who are white and dont live on the south shore of Montreal HA! (Like Stewie)

Gangstarr Girl said...

Good job, staying on the phone with those women. I'm glad you took that initiative. Now, with the woman in the club, that's another story, that's her own stupidity--drinking herself into a horny stupor. It's not right for a man to take advantage of her but that wasn't smart on her part. But you're right, we women go though a lot. Men can be really psycho and scary. I've already shared one of my stories with you (man in the van) but I have quite a few more. I appreciate men like you though, who think about these things and arent' creepy. But sadly, there just aint enough of your kind.

Melyssa Ganache said...

Aw, you're such a sweetheart. I knew you had it in you. LOL. You went over and beyond staying on the phone with the two girls from the train. Kudos. And the beginnings of a threesome in the hallway? She was wasted for real. Cant save em all.

Dallas said...

Props for trying to save that ho, but the reality of her situation is that on some Darwinian shit she needed to end up with that douche.

Them be the folks with that herps and that other shit. They can find each other on some magnetic shit.

True story is that I'm the third dude who ain't fucking the ho, just copping the feels.

g said...

copping feels are for lames man.

good post, up until the last reference to "hoes".

Farrah said...

Your momma done raised you right...Some dudes are just disgusting. And honestly speaking, when you're drunk, you only do things that the hoe in you wants to do but your (sober) good sense tells you not to.

She been wanted to touch her toes and make it clap for strangers, but needed an excuse!!

Just my opinion, but still doesn't give dudes license to take advantage, that's still wrong and "rape-ishy".

The Cocoa Luv Chronicles said...


Ok that's all

Still roaming on your site.

Abner Charles said...

Of course I mean we are not part time rapist
Says Abner 4 months later