Sunday, August 3, 2008

Let Go My Hand, Bitch!

I kid. I kid. I would never say that...allegedly.

Anyway, it should come as no surprise that I don't hold hands (relationship or not). I just don't get it. I tried, but it just freakin' feels uncomfortably confined. I'll put my arm around your shoulder. We can walk arm in arm. But fingers locked? Not so much.

I'm assuming hand-holding has to do with two things. First, it's territorial. You're basically saying, "hands off, hoe." Second, it's a sign of affection or something like that. Well, I'm sure there are better ways to show your love. See arm around shouler. And as for marking your territory, it's not necessary. Anyone seeing a guy and a girl together is to assume they are together. I don't care if I'm walking around with one of my girl cousins. You are to assume we're a pair, keep walking or look at the freakin' floor. Anybody approaching without inquiring first could be subjected to a karate kid ass kicking.

By the way, fellers. Should someone ever approach the girl you're with without checking with you first, he thinks he can whoop your ass. I mean, I wouldn't try to pull that crap on Debo. But that's an entirely different blog. Anyway, the arm in arm is cool if you're welcomed. Otherwise, fellers like me are forced to develop escape tactics. I still haven't figured anything more subtle then the gradual arm slide. As far hand-holding, if a girl tries to hold mine, I just start thumb-wrestling.

As always, there are exceptions. Similar to my stingy seafood policies (me and Paula Patton can go to Red Lobster anytime), I'd hold Halle Berry's hand strictly for stuntin' purposes. Now, I may grab your hand if we're walking through a tight crowd, but it'll probably be brief. Also, I must say I'm not opposed to a little hand flirting, but I don't know about this crap.

That's likely to lead to some thumb-wrestling right there. Again, hand flirting is cool. The crowd walkthrough is cool. But continuously holding hands from Times Square to 34th St? Why? Tell me ladies. What is it about holding hands? Fellers, are you for it, against it, or indifferent?


Naked With Socks On said...

This city is too small for hand holding. If you're a actively single person, you never know who gonna see you or bump into you on your daily travels. so getting caught out there by Tanisha's homegorl while you're holding Shaquanna's hand is not cool.

I've held hands here and there but that's when it's my girl and I have nothing to hide. There was this one girl that on the first date was trying to hold hands down Flatbush Ave. WOMAN, UNHAND ME I almost yelled.


Im just, Im just *Rika* from the Block!!! said...

Why do you assume that its only guys who dislike holding hands? I absolutely ABHOR hand holding. I dont care if the dude is my boyfriend, Im NOT holding hands..its just too...territorial and potentially sweaty for me. I have no problems dropping a dude's hand if he attempts to hold mine. And then telling him EXACTLY how I feel about it if he persists.

Im not even a fan of guys putting their arms around me (especially in the summertime when they rock sleeveless tees *EW*), but that seems to be a favorite move among guys, so I let it roll.

For me, the most contact we should have while walking is the simple my hand tucked under your arm. Its simple, we get to keep some distance from each other and walk comfortably without each other's hand sweating to death...

Dove said...

People who like handholding in public can suck it. I'm ok with it in private, when cuddling and all that cute stuff, but nothing past that.

Every now and then a friend might grab my hand to lead me somewhere in a crowd and I kind of cringe. I think I'm a bad friend sometimes for that, but it's just how I feel.

Jackpot aka H.D. aka Desckabaisses said...

Women opposed to holding hands. I loves it!!!!

libs said...

I don't know any women who actually like to hold hands, especially in public. Men sometimes seem to think this is something they should do, but really I'm wondering how they think I manage to make it across the street on my own when they're not there to guide me.

And I'm with rika from the block - you don't have to put your arm around me either. It's cool if we're sitting watching a movie or something, but walking down the street? Not for me. Too awkward.

Farrah said...

There is another dynamic to this hand holding thing. What about the guys who have big fingers! One time I was walking with a dude and he goes to hold my hand (interlocking the fingers), after a few seconds I realized my finger joints were getting raped. All my fingers were spread so far apart it started to actually hurt.

For future reference, when you go to hold someone's hand (if that's your thing), please be conscience of finger to space ratio.

TastyKeish said...

hell yea! I can't have your sweaty palms all in mine. I can't even eye-cock the next dude with you all up under me. Don't hold my hand- matter fact, maintain a good two foot space in between...unless we've already had sex or going to.

Paul Cantor said...

I don't really have a problem with it. I tend to not give things like this much thought, I just go with the flow.

Bella.Elle said...

THANK YOU!!!! I freakin HATE holding hands. I am a cool natured person. I hate sweaty palms and soles... Hand holding is a major no no. I have always been like that... even in church prayer circles (LOL) I love Jesus and I love my man... but I HATE sweaty palms.

Hand holding sucks!