Monday, September 22, 2008

Nice Guys Are the Biggest Assholes (Pause)

I'm either a nice guy or an asshole, pause, depending who you ask.

The funny thing is, whoever thinks I'm a nice guy has a hard time picturing me as an asshole, pause, and vice versa. I'm actually both. I start out nice (almost) every time. But if the situation calls for it, the dickhead, pause, comes out.

Up until recently, I've been pretty quiet about it, but we've been trying to overcome a pretty tense situation at work. While most showed their frustrations, I remained poker face. With everybody seemingly having an attitude, somebody Interestingly referred to me as "bubbly." They clearly perceived me to be the nice guy. Maybe I need to stop smiling so damn much. What they didn't know is that I was about one meeting away from shoving a pencil sharpener up somebody's pooper, pause. Again, I don't show teeth when the situation calls for It. I'll be bigger penis, pause. Don't make this a piss test. I piss it out of the freakin' park.

Little do you know, I got a chance to briefly exercise my assholism at the gym last night. Well, I just did a few reps and called it a day. Me and Jesus got on two tredmills next to one another, but mine was broke. But since he only planned to warm up a bit before his session, he told me to just jump on his (pause) after he's done. Mind you, there wasn't a soul waiting for treadmills when we got there. I saw at least two machines open up while Jesus was warming up, but I just stayed put so I can chop it up with the homie. So he finally gets off and I see this alleged carpet muncher approach. "Excuse me, I was already waiting for this one," I revealed while stepping on the tred. The muncher initially didn't say anything, but quickly changed her tune when she noticed that no other machine was available.

Alleged Carpet Muncher: But people were waiting.

Me: I was waiting too. I was just standing on this tredmill.

ACM: The line is over there though. You just got here. It's common sense.

Me: Ok! This conversation is over. Mind your business.

ACM: [Charlie Brown Teacher Talks For 1 minute]

Me: Enjoy your work out.

ACM: The line was there. It's common sense.

Me: How would you know that? You don't have any common sense.

ACM: Why don't you mind your business?

Me: I've been trying to for the past five minutes, but you keep trying to talk to me.

At this point Jesus should have co-signed and told the muncher I had been waiting. But noooooooooooooo! He was too busy smirking at the exchange.

ACM: You bastard!

Me: ...

ACM: ...Motherfucka!

Me: [Sarcastically] Wow! You called me a motherfucka. Enjoy your workout. [Puts headphones in]

ACM: *@"¥€£¤{%!

Me: [Points at headphones]

ACM: [To Jesus] Tell him he's a dick wad.

I could have been a much bigger dick to her, pause, due to her adam's apple. I guess I didn't feel like really going in, pause. Then again, part of me wanted her to cross a line, so I could really cuss her out. All to say, don't sleep on nice guys. They're probably the biggest assholes.


Matou said...

Wow Cuzzo... Hilarous!!!

Dove said...

I always saw you mostly as the nice guy. Like 87%. Other than that, I can't get past all the pausing in one post...

Jesus Talks said...

it wasn't that much assholism in you but the sarcasm u were throwing at was great. My bad for not co-signing...I was too busy laughing my ass off.

LadyDee - Brownlady Beautiful! said...

You are really a character! lol.

Kimmy said...

This s so freakin funny!!!!!!!

MeLa said...

I'dve loved to be a witness to that exchange. It sounds like a barrel of monkeys.

I think of myself as one of the 'nice guys' (Im a girl but u know what i mean).

.. which is why I was shocked when I discovered that my brother had coined for me the nickname "Raging Hell Bitch" and that the rest of the family agreed.

Go figure.


Ali said...

Yo man. you are a dickhead. People call me an asshole so i know what it takes to be one. But I mentioned this to you before, your the bad kind of asshole.
Your not that lovable guy making inappropriate jokes that people can laugh at.
Your the guy that gets pleasure out of making girls cry.
your the guy that wont give up your seat for a pregnant lady.
Your the guy that gets pissy if people get you the wrong type of birthday cake.
Your the guy that skips on the lunch bill after saying "I got you". LOL

you owe me lunch man

SabaG. said...

See u New Yorkers are all Talk! Out here its hit or shoot first ask questions later! lol... funny this is NOTHING >>> You are a simp Carl!

Janee TMB said...

You and your asshole ways are so endearing... Fuck that bitch man :-) I would have paid to see that. I hate when random people try to cause problems.