Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Phillies Owe Me Money...



Phillies won!

No, really. I'm just not not giving a fruck about something. The Philadelphia Phillies are the world champions of Major League Baseball. And here's why they owe me money. If you read this blog, you may have noticed that I seem to say, "Phillies won" pretty randomly. As I explained earlier this summer, the saying is just another way to say you don't give a damn. Again, allow me to demonstrate.

Douche Bag: Carl, I get more girls than you.

Me: Phillies won!

The crazy thing is I probably couldn't have partook in the saying a few years back. Growing up, the Mets and the Expos were my teams. Shoot! I still remember going to my first game at Shae Stadium. It got rained out, though. But I fell out of love with baseball, so...Phillies won! I wish I could take credit for the saying, but Stewie from Family Guy is the originator. I wish I could take credit for introducing it to regular convos, but my boy Hobbs did. I sure will take credit for spreading the hell out of it, though. I also take partial credit for the Phillies winning the World Series.

I was looking at the standings earlier this summer and noticed that they were in first place. Me and the fellers used the saying so much, we were speaking it into existence for the Phillies. We were just putting great energy, Ruffian and a couple of my other homies be handsomely compensated. So next time one of ya'll see Jimmy Rollins tell him he better have my money.

Seriously, I better get a free hat or a Mike Schmidt jersey or something. And by the way, never ever try to counter Phillies won with the Mets lost, or Astros won. It just doesn't work.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Are Men Scared Of Short-Hair Women?


I've never had a problem with short hair.

It's basically like anything else. Some women can pull it off and some can't. I've even seen some gorgeous women with very light ceasars. In their cases, though, their features were pretty flawless, so it worked. I wouldn't advise a woman with a rather large chin and nose to get a Julius. Then again, to each his/her own.

I actually prefer short hair on certain women. Halle Berry, as far as I'm concerned, looks that much better with the shorter do. And while Nia Long looked incredible with the long locks in Love Jones, I think I like her better with the shorter style. Still, us men sort of fear short hair. This girl I liked back in high school had hair down to her back. I remember her pondering on whether or not to drastically cut it. I supported her decision, but deep down I was worried that she may just not be able to pull it off. Sure enough, she did. Mind you, I like short hair, but I somehow wasn't too crazy about the short hair idea. I got sorta nervous.

On the flip side, some men just aren't attracted to short-hair women. I remember debating about this particular short-hair gal with one of my homies not too long ago. We both agreed that she had a cute face, was a great dresser and a great body. Still, my boy just couldn't get past the cut. "I just don't like her hair, though," he confessed.

I'm starting to think men are somewhat uncomfortable with havin longer hair then women, at least the brothers who don't have braids. Shoot! I pretty much had longer hair than all the women I dated during my cornrows stage, even the ones with long hair. My hair wasn't even that long. It was down to my shoulders. But I digress. A friend of mine recently told me that her guy pal strongly advised against cutting her hair. "Nooooo. Have you lost your mind," the guy friend said. Funny how some of us won't tolerate short hair, but then poke fun at the sistahs for having weaves.

Fellers, what do you say? Is my friend's friend a minority? Do we like short hair? If we don't, then why? I dare any man to tell me Halle isn't gorgeous with a short do.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I hope She Doesn't Pick Up...



Everytime I think I'm revealing something a little off, you guys jump in the comment section to let me know you're experiencing something similar.

Well, I could be onto something else. You ever called someone and hope they didn't pick up? It doesn't even have to be a dating type of setting. I personally don't like to avoid people (I think I just lied), but I'm also too much of a punk to just say, "Listen, I really don't feel like talking to you right now and I probably won't feel like it tomorrow or the day after." I know. It's messed up. But I'm just being honest.

Here's a scenario. You haven't talked to this guy/girl in maybe a month and you bump into him/her at a party. Here's the thing, if you have to remind yourself to call somebody, you should probably just give up on the idea. And here's another thing. In this particular scenario, she/he always calls. You, never do. Sometimes it's hard to pin point why you aren't phone-friendly. You just aren't. So it goes a little something like this...

Carl's Friend: Ayo! There goes Vicky over there!

Me: Where? [ Dives behind couch]

***5 Minutes Later***

Vicky: [Taps on my shoulder]

Me: Hhheyyyyyy!

Vicky: How you been?

Me: [Looking all over the place] I've been good.

Vicky: You look nice.

Me: Thanks!

Vicky: What you been up to?

Me: Mostly work. It's been crazy.

Vicky: How long has it been?

Me: I don't know. A long time?

Vicky: Well, it's so nice to see you. We should hang out.

Me: Y...yeah!

What a punk! Since I hurt myself diving the first time, I make it my business to call. That way, the next time you see him/her, you can be like, "I called you." So you call and borderline have your fingers crossed for him/her not to pick up as the phone is ringing. If he/she doesn't, you're good. He/she can call back later, but it doesn't matter. You called once and can pretty much milk it. The next time you see him/her, you just turn the tables and be like, "I called you, but you didn't pick up."

So, am I finally off, or have you guys ever felt the same way?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Love Black People, But I Can't Stand Niggers...

I say this every now and then when I see black folks acting a monkey. And I do so unapolegetically.

Some of you may have noticed that I don't use the N-word. I may quote it, playfully say negro or negra, but I don't actually use it. I don't think I deserve a cookie or anything. That's just me. The thing is, I've been called that word in its integral context one too many times to consider it a term of endearment. I must have been 6 or 7 when it first happened. Mind you, I was insulted by my peers, which is pretty sad when you think about it. It's scary to think that kids know to use such a powerful slur at such an early age.

If it wasn't the N-word, I got asked some of the dumbest questions you couldn't imagine. This white girl once asked me if my Dick Johnson was also black like the rest of my body, numerous kids have asked me if I wish I was white. The list goes on. Some were genuinely racist, but others just didn't know any better. After all, some folks' only glimpse into the Black experience comes from rappers, black actors, athletes and the freaking news paper. Not always the best look. I'm telling you, if it's not one thing, it's another.This guy in High School used to ask me why I didn't walk with a limp. He was a pure wigger. At times, it's as if he thought he was blacker than me. His reference? Why, the TV and a couple of rap videos of course.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Young Afro-Americans depicted in the media are the black men's poster children worldwide. So there's a chance the only black kid in an Australian, Canadian or French (or even some parts of the U.S.) school is expected to walk with a limp, talk loud, carry a gun, dance well, speak badly, etc. etc. Hell! They expect you to do that in New York City. But having been through something similar, I despise stereotypes to this day. That may just be the only instance in which I'll use the N-word. To point out some niggeRs.




Before going any further, I must stress how beautiful my black folks are. There's nothing like being around black folks feeling it in church, or to see my people celebrating at a wedding. Perhaps one of the most incredible experience I had was college graduation. I remember walking and seeing every black person look at me and nod. They didn't know me from a hole in the wall, but the look on their face and the nod said it all. They were proud of me. It was an incredible feeling.

I love black people, but I can't stand niggers. There's this thing I have a hard time explaining. Ignorant niggers have this look in their eyes when they're talking shit. Notice I'm not censoring myself as I usually do. So these ignorant niggers be talking shit with a stare so blank you'd swear they're cross-eyed. My homie Jayson sent me a clip earlier today that had me shaking my head in shame. The clip could be old, but that's not the point. It features these dudes "battling" in what could be the projects. The lead niggorant character keeps referring to the area as Tha Carter (not the New Jack City building). Perhaps some of you are familiar with it. I don't know why they were trying to battle, cause they clearly weren't rappers. Here's an excerpt from the main dude.

"Fuck all the talkin', he's tryin' to do that nice guy shit/You come to The Carter, you gon leave with your life and shit/I keep a bad bitch sucking on my dick and shit/You got a problem, I will fuck you up, word to my momma and shit" -Niggorant Dude


What the hell is he talking about? First off, grouped together, "and shit" are the most two useless words in the english language. There's no need for me to say, "I'm writing a blog and shit." The point is already made by "blog," so no need to add "and shit." Anyway, take a look at the clip and watch how niggorant it gets.




I swear, I take this stuff personal. Like, it pisses me off. But let's be honest. There isn't much I can do. Still, I love black people, but I can't stand niggers.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Keep Meeting The Same Girl Over And Over...

I tend to meet the same type of women.

Unfortunately, it may say a lot about me and since I'm poultry prone, I guess I should be ashamed of myself. Good thing I always walk around with my inhaler. But there always seems to be a pattern with the women I meet. For instance, every single woman I've met in the past month has either been from Harlem or The Bronx. I won't give you a number, but it's enough to be an interesting coincidence. Mind you, I mostly hang out in Brooklyn, but I still meet chicks from up there. I guess it won't do me much good since I hate going past 60th street.

But I seem to always go through phases. At one point, every woman I met had a man. I went through two patterns during my College/Red Lobster days. At one point, I kept meeting girls from Long Island University. Before that, it was single Haitian mothers from Canarsie up in Brooklyn. That's a pretty specific pattern.

As a teenager, I went through a long ass Melanie phase. The encounters were pretty spaced out, but I met an insane amount of Melanies at the time. Actually, the ex I mentioned in last night's blog was a Melanie. And of course, I've met my share of pelicans, ostriches, doves, swans, ducks, canaries and woodpeckers over the years. Atchoo!

What about you guys? Do you seem to always run into a particular type? Any patterns? I'm waiting on my Paula Patton look-a-like phase. Fingers crossed.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I'm Over My Ex, But...

This happened to me a while back, but my homie brought it up not too long ago.

"Has one of your exes ever gotten married?" he asked. "It messes with your head," I immediately replied. His thoughts exactly. A few years back, my sister told me one of my ex girlfriends stopped by her job and revealed her engagement to some dude. I was happy for her, but it felt a bit weird.

At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. It's not that I wasn't over her. I mean, looking back at the relationship, I made bad decisions, but my mindset has changed since then. I was the breaker, so it wasn't about feeling replaced by the next man. I think I was going through more of a "what if" moment. What if I didn't break up with her? We may have been married by now. Kids? Who knows. Maybe it's a reminder of a path you nearly escaped or missed out on depending on your current page. That feeling is long gone now.

On the flip side, another ex of mine told me some dude she was seeing for only a few months proposed, last year. Only this time, I didn't start pondering on lost possibilities. Perhaps because in this instance, the only bad decision I made was to not break up with her earlier. We weren't even on good terms when she broke the news. Still, I wished her the best and kept it moving. But women being women, she later shared her discontent with me being happy for her rather than jealous. Sidebar: They never got married.

Other than that, this girl I used to mess with now has a daughter. We never were in an actual relationship, but the time frame between her getting pregnant and us fooling around was somewhat close. So that kinda hit me. When they found out, my boys Ed and Fred started teasing me about the kid being mine. But before you jump on their bandwagon, know we never had any close calls so...

What about you guys? Ever learned about an ex getting married, having kids and being like, "Damn!" Why do we care what our 5, 7 year-old exes do?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That Barack Obama Got A Mean Jab...



I just rushed home from the gym to catch the Final Presidential Debate on CNN.

Thankfully, there's still an hour to go. I know how critical this election is, but I can't help but analyze the interaction between Barack Obama and John McCain with a superficial eye. I must say, McCain is looking just horrible. I mean, not only does he look like a cheap Halloween mask, he's just a horrible debater in my opinion.

First off, why does he blink so much? I swear, I think his old ass is dozing off and keeps flapping them lashes to hide deadly fatigue. I'm waiting on his neck to lean sideways any minute. Secondly, why is McCain so mad? I mean, look at him. He's just standing there boiling, just about a question away from physically stepping to Obama. The pressure must be tremendous, but dude just isn't showing composure. He visibly gets frustrated at Obama's responses, tries to chime in out-of-turn and keeps...Oh shoot! I think he neck just sagged.

On the flip side, Obama is just so calm and collected. While McCain's blinking away, Obama is just sitting there calmly shaking his head, smiling and slowly waiting his turn. That's when the jab comes in. At one point, McCain kept complaining about his feelings being hurt about an allegation made by a Democratic Congressman. Obama subtly jabbed McCain, saying something like, "I don't think the country cares about our feelings being hurt, they're concerned about how we're gonna fix the economy." Slick! He played him. Sorry for breaking down politics to such a pedestrian level. I just couldn't help it.

Anyway, I need to get back. But it'll be over by the time you guys read this. What are you guys thinking? How did the two candidates look in the debates?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Is Anybody Else Scared?

I don't even know where to start, man.

I just took a few days off from the job. I haven't taken a freakin' day off this whole year, so I needed some time to just chill. I went to my sister's house in La Terriere. It's a nice little quiet spot up in Quebec, Canada. Those of you who like nature would love it. It's pretty secluded from everything else, nothing around but trees and stuff. It's the perfect getaway spot. Well, almost. I'm allergic to something in the area. Apparently, my body only functions well where pollution and rodents are omnipresent. Anyway, her man built the freakin' house from scratch. Quite impressive! I just basically slept and played with my nieces and nephews the entire weekend.

I got away, but the blackberry always a reminder of what's waiting at home. I found out that one of my homies got laid off. Firings just seem to be happening at an alarming rate right now. I mean, it's to be expected. We apparently haven't seen the worst of the recession. You just can't help but feel horrible when it happens, though. It makes folks appreciate crappy jobs they complain about. At least you got a damn job.

Time off also means you usually eat a little less healthy. Well, I always eat a little less healthy. My lack of discipline doesn't help either, but I'm working on it. I came back home to a few wake-up calls. I bumped into my super this morning. He's in a wheelchair now. He's been in and out of the hospital for some time, but something happened with his right leg, so they had to cut it off. I'm watching Entourage earlier tonight and Allen, a reccuring character on the show, died of a heart attack. I logged online just about an hour ago to learn about a 19-year-old Ranger prospect dying of a heart attack. He was 19 freakin' years old.

I mean, deaths come in threes. We'll sadly be hearing about somebody else a few weeks from now. It just feels like scary times, though. Maybe it's just me, but I'll rather be safe than sorry. I gotta get back on that tredmill on a more consistent basis, even if it means running into liberated fa'nooks, not that there's anything wrong with that, in the gym locker room. On top of that, I gotta finish my veggies and leave that damn Ice Cream Sandwich Ice Cream from Edy's, alone. Hibernation season is upon me too. I'm going to Jackson's party this week. I'm sure I'll be wearing my Average Joe outfit somewhere for Hollyween, but now is a time for moderation. It's time to save some safety pennies and get familiar with my living room just in case. Hopefully, I'm not just talking junk. Is anybody else scared?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Don't Run Up On Me, You Might Get Kimbo Sliced....

Those of you who know me already know this. I pretty much live in my own world.

I stroll around walking into walls. Walk nose-deep into a magazine and actually stop at red lights and intersections with my head still down, pause. Every now and then I read about pedestrians being killed by curb-jumping cars and try to snap out of it. But a few days later, it's back to my old ways.

I remember being on the phone with my boy Mark while somebody got shot about 30 feet from me at the laundromat. I didn't panic. But that's actually a bad thing. I just stood there and actually started walking towards the victim. SMH! It loosely went a little something like this.

[Gunshots!]

[Screams!]

Me[To Mark]: Something is going on on the block. I see these two dudes running.

[Me [Slowly Walking]: Dude! I think somebody just got shot.

[Me [Walking closer to the action]: Oh shoot! Somebody did get shot. Let me call you back.

I stayed around the scene for a minute, reminded myself that I need to be more alert and again went back to my old habits a few days later. But I need to snap out of it once and for all. I need to be like this guy. The homie Maurice Garland just sent me this clip of this kid promptly decking some goof who tried to scare him by popping out of a dumpster. Dude! No hesitation. He punched him in the mask and immediately put his guard up. Incredible! See for yourself.

Never Suprise a Blackman - Comedy (Real Funny) - I dont know

I probably would have turned around, looked at him and then resumed the interview. How do you guys think you'd react to a similar scenario?

Songs I Love, But Can't Sing Along To...


Hall & Oates...

I swear I must burn calories when I clean out my apartment.

I was scrubbing, dusting and sweeping earlier this week and had Hall & Oates, Michael McDonald, Phill Collins, Madonna, Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston blaring out the speakers. [Blogger's Note: I just realized Houston is the only non-white artist I just listed.] I really get into it when cleaning. I'm Sheryl Crow two-stepping, making up silly moves and singing out loud. I'm performing, man. At least until the wrong (right) song comes on.


Whitney Houston...

So my Whitney Houston segment is nearing its end when "I'm Every Woman" comes on. I loves that song. Much respect due to Chaka Khan, but I think it's one of the rare instances where the remake surpassed the original. It's an incredible song, an incredible song I can't sing along to. Well, at least the intro, the chorus and the outro. "I'm every woman, it's all in me." Picture me singing that.

But wait, there are many more. Remember Karyn White's "Superwoman?" Incredible! But it just wouldn't make sense coming from me.

Early every morning
I put breakfast on your table
And make sure that your coffee
Has its sugar and cream
So far, so good. I look like a woman's dream man cooking her breakfast and stuff.

Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly

Yeaaaah, girl! I cooks a mean omelette. I is nasty with spatula.

All that's missing is that morning kiss
That you used to greet me

Now you say the juice is sour
It used to be so sweet
And I can't help, but to wonder
If your talking about me

Ok! I think the juice part may need a pause coming from me, but the rest still works.

She then goes on, "I have my pride, I will no cry. But it's making me weak" before declaring, "I'm not your superwoman." That just doesn't work for me. I mean, it really isn't that serious. But it's kinda funny that I turn mute whenever that part comes on. I may skip gender specific lyrics, but I've shower sung along a few women empowerment singles. I remember hitting the Heart Of The City concert with Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige. MJB went into her classics and we just lost it. I'm looking around and every dude, me and my homies included, are singing along to "Not Gon Cry." It was nuts. The funny thing is we ended up reciting borderline male bashing songs. Oh well!

Maybe some of you girls think Khia's too nasty to sing along to "My Neck, My Back." Then again, maybe some of ya'll are trying to send a message. Is there any song you love, but just can't sing along to? It may not be for content reason. To this day, I can't remember CL Smooth's lyrics on "They Reminisce Over You." I don't know why. I love that song and heard it a million times, but I just know a little bit of it. What about you guys?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Can A Man Find Another Man Attractive (Pause)?

Duh! That's why there's seemingly more fa'nooks than straight dudes nowadays. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Shoot! More girls for the rest of us.

But I'm talking about a straight man finding another man attractive. So, the same girl who asked me about the freakin Hills, asked me if I had any cute friends the other day."No clue," I responded shrugging my shoulders. "Girls say girls are pretty all the time, why can't you guys say it," she countered. "Well, actually guys say girls are pretty all the time too," I replied. I knew what she meant, though. Dude, I really think she was serious. Like, she was really waiting for an explanation. I think she still may be waiting as we speak.

As homophobic as some of us dudes can be, there are always settings in which we're more comfortable complimenting or receiving compliments from other men. For instance, it's no issue coming from our pops, uncles, brothers, cousins or even some close (gotta pause) friends, but that's just about where it stops. Like, you could be seeing your cousin for the first time in a while and tell him, "You're looking good, man." Like, it's appropriate in certain scenarios, but becomes questionable when it's a bit too random. It's not like running around calling dudes cute or anything. I went out for my boy Sam please say the Ed's birthday not too long ago and this dude at the bar told me, "Yo! I'm straight as fuck, but you a good looking dude." It kinda bothered me at first, but dude didn't seem too fa'nooky, (not that there's anything wrong with that) so that's probably why I stayed calm. He was clearly a humping-everything-that-moves hoe chasing type, so I just brushed it off. He started introducing me to all types of pelicans, so I think he wanted us to tag team on some fried chicken.

See, for the most part, men (me included) will never admit it, but we do know when another man's attractive, or not. We just won't say it. We'll call a friend a pretty boy. That's an indirect way of acknowledging his good looks. If a female friend brings up another man's good looks, we may say, "I can't front" or "yea, he's doing his thing." Mind you, how in the hell is a man doing his thing. We're discussing looks, here. But keeping it vague keeps us comfortable, so that's what we do. We'll call a man ugly, which means we must know what a good looking man is by default. For example, I remember being on the phone with this shorty one time and she asked me if I had any single friends. My boy, who is a cool dude, but so happens to be facially challenged, overheard the question and inquired about a potential hook-up. So when the "is he cute" question came up, I handed him the phone and let him sell himself. See, the Hills chick's friend wasn't cute, so I wasn't about to do one of my boys like that, pause. On the flip side, I'm realistic when it comes to my boys. If someone wants to get hooked up, I know which ones are likely to get the better response.That's another indicator.

Any of you fellers care to take the extreme route and disagree with my theory? What are the ladies thinking? Take it away...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Does Anybody Else Watch The Hills?


Lauren Conrad(The Hills)


Some of these girly girls say the darndest things and I can't get over it.

Like, I wouldn't ask about last night's game or even bring up basketball to a girl who clearly isn't into sports. Yo! This chick recently asked me, "Do you watch The Hills?" Dude! Do I look like I watch the freakin' Hills? I mean, you never know. I'm just saying.


Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach)

Now, MTV is one of my default channels, and I admit I've unsuccessfully tried watching Laguna Beach, The Hills'predecessor, a few times. I just never made it past a few minutes. I just don't get it. Like, what the hell is going on? I mean, my sister got me hooked on Days Of Our Lives a while back and my ex hooked me on Desperate Housewives, which I still watch, but The Hills? Not so much. Sidebar: Kirsten Cavilari > Lauren Conrad.


Anyway, I've been absolutely intolerant of that show. It usually flip the channel within a few seconds. Get this, though. The chick (she was black in case you're wondering) didn't believe me when I said I didn't watch the show. ?????????????I'd understand her reasoning if I told her about my unusal TV habits beforehand, but for her to so stubbornly imply that I was a closet Hills follower was a bit odd. She also argued that The Hills wasn't a "girl" show. While I'm sure some dudes watch the show, I'm ready the bet its audience is primarily comprised of women.

For some reason, I've had a hard time escaping the show since that conversation. It seems to be on everytime I turn to MTV and it just seems like everybody and their baby mommas is talking about it. So, is the show that big? Any of you fellers watch that crap? Can somebody explain to me what the hell the show is about?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Yes! I Went Shoe Shopping At Macy*s...



This blog has to be balanced. If I speak on my zero bird tolerance policy, I should also share times women had me acting way out of character.

See, I bring up Stacey Dash and Reagan Gomez jokingly, but most of you take it seriously. Sidebar: Everyday Women > Hollywood Celebrities. Anyway, there's this girl I really liked at one point. She was actually the first girl I liked in a minute. I'd go on longer lunch breaks just to meet her for a few minutes, but I liked her so it was worth it.

As macho as I can be, I'm not opposed to chick flicks. When Harry Met Sally is a freakin'classic. I may consider seeing a Tyler Perry flick for the right shorty. But shoe shopping? Uh huh! Pftttt! I don’t even go shoe shopping with my sisters. I surely would have laughed at dudes shoe shopping right until shorty asked me: "You wanna go to Macy*s with me?”

See, she said it half jokingly, and I don’t think she expected me to say yes. But I felt like seeing her, so I was with it. I won’t lie, I caught myself off guard and kinda thought, “Shoe shopping, really?” I think she knew it was out of character, so she gave me an opportunity to weasel out of it. But hey…I said I would go, so I went.

You should have seen me all paranoid and constantly scoping Macy*s' perimeter. I would purposely trail behind in case somebody saw me. That way, I could pretend I just conveniently got lost on the women’s shoes floor. I had it all covered. If I got caught, I’d just randomly yell out, “Can somebody please tell me where the freakin' Polo section is? Gosh! I can't get no help around here. Oh, what up, Mark?” I couldn’t focus when she asked for my opinion, ‘cause I was too busy looking out.


Sherri Shepperd (The View)

We even saw Sherri Shepperd from The View buying shoes there. Poor thing! She was just looking around waiting for people to recognize her. She must have known I was being paranoid. She gave me the, “What the fruck are you doing here?” look. And then it happened. I’m slowly trailing my lady friend when I suddenly see a former female co-worker. Dude, I plunged behind the couch ASAP. Ok, maybe not, but I spun around and kinda hid behind one.

Anyhow, I don’t expect the fellers to start sharing shoe shopping experiences, but I’ll ask anyway. You know, it’s not accurate to call it out of character, because if I got married or had a girlfriend, I’d definitely go shoe shopping with her (as little as possible). I mean, that’s what compromise is all about, right? You don’t necessarily go because you want to, but you want to because it makes her happy. Then when she asks you, "Did you have fun" you tell her you had a "fabulous" (pause) time. But, at the time, being that we weren’t on a Macy*s level, it was sort of out of character. So, any of you fellers gonna come clean about similar experiences? Ladies, has a guy you dated ever agreed to doing something that sort of surprised you?

Ok, now back to our regular bird ranting and pelican bashing program. :) I kid, I kid!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Decidation To The Suckers: To Trick Or Not To Trick?



To trick or not to trick? That's not even a question. I don't love them hoes.

FYI. I don't call women the B-word, but I do throw H's up for a particular breed. If you go out with dudes you don't like just to get some free food, then you is an ostrich and might could be a prositute. See, this blog is all in fun, but I'm the victim of terrorist attacks in the comment section every now and then. Just last week, my friend Janee called me "cheap" for saying I'd let a woman who invited me on a "business" lunch pay for her own burger. Anslem over at Naked With Socks On, co-signed. But I recall all agreeing that whoever invites picks up the check, so I'm not sure how I ended up being criticized there. Let's be fair, here. I'm all for picking up tabs on dates and all, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. Are men supposed to pay for anything involving women regardless of the scenario? You know what. To some extent, I can't even be mad at women for expecting it. These suckers got some of ya'll spoiled.

Per my homegirls, the guys they hang out with, be it boyfriends, dates, side pieces, colleagues co-workers, or even platonic friends, always pick up the bill. But then my punk ass comes along and says no to everything suckers agree to. And that's the problem. Too many women can't stand when a man isn't sweating them, or doesn't do what she expects them to do, especially when these lollipop ass negros jump whenever a hop is requested, not required.


Marty Mcfly & Dr. Emmett Brown (Back To The Future)

My homie Kevin L. Clark always tells me "I'm too cool for school" when it comes to women. Earlier today, he told me, "You have game...You're just the Marty McFly of that shit." Sidebar: I don't believe in "game," but thanks Kev. In case some of you forgot Marty McFly is Michael J. Fox's character in the Back To The Future series. The ladies, including his moms, lovededed him, but he wasn't sweating it. Kev is onto something, though. It's not that I don't want to pay. But I'm sucker-free and never had a hard time meeting women, so why would I start dust-busting now just because? It just has to make sense to me.

I was curious to see what others thought, so I hit a few of my homies to see what their thoughts were. I would have asked Kev, but he asked a woman to pay for the tip on a date, soooooo... One of my homegirls said men pay for her everytime, even platonic friends. She explained that, while they're strictly friendly, men pay because they want "that leverage." I think I get it. It's like the guy you clearly tell you're not interested in, but he insists on taking you out. Dude is actually good company, so you guys keep hanging. And while you're on a platonic level, there is an attraction on his end, so if it was ever to go there, he has some leverage? No? The truth is, dude's intentions probably never changed. He's sticking around hoping you change your mind. He's kinda tricking actually, showing you he'll do what punks like Carl won't do for you. I personally am not looking for any leverage, so I strongly oppose the notion that I'm expected to pay for a platonic female friend. Here's a bit of the exchange my friend and I had.

Me: My boy said if me and my dude friend, pause, go bowling I'm not paying for his shoes.

My Friend: You're right.You wouldn't pay for your guy friend's shoes,
but your guy friend doesn't have boobs,doesn't smell good...

Me: So what, friend? We're friends.

My Friend: Isn't fun to just accidentally brush up against now and then
you're paying because of what a woman is.

Me: Oh hell no! Even when friends?

My friend: If u guys go out all the time, then maybe not.But if it's like someone you genuinely enjoy being around why not? It should make you feel like more of a man
to be able to pay.

Me: But we're frriiiiiiieeeeennnnnnndddddsssss!!

I then took the exchange to my dude Gooch and he just took me to church.

"We are friends. And if we so happen to fuck, then it's a friend fuck. Unless a chick has a hedge fund attached to her pussy, it ain't worth it." --Gooch

Meanwhile, my other female friend interestingly also disagreed with her counterpart. "What the fuck? You're friend is crazy...and cheap," she chimed in.

You know what? Who is being cheap, really? The dude who isn't paying for a platonic female friend who invited him to dinner, or the woman who expects him to pay? The guy who doesn't buy a perfect stranger a drink, or the girl who goes to clubs expecting men to pay for all her drinks? I’ve made no secret about my No Drinks policy. I won’t offer drinks to women I just met at a bar. I’ve actually never done it. I won’t believe a guy who tells me he has no ulterior motive for it either. Chances are, it’s their way of getting her attention, or feel she's most likely to give her number that way. You're doing to get some kind of result. Who knows? Not me. I do know some of my homegirls have gotten free drinks from dudes and then handed them to me. I got tipsy on many a sucker, pause.

What do you guys think? Careful now, fellers. You don't wanna come off as the sucker who buys dinner and drinks for a girl who doesn't like him and leaves the "date" to go to one of my boy's house. Speak on it!