Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Was This Year Bad For You Too?

I'm not gonna sit here and bitch about '08. It's cold out there, but things could be way worse for me personally.

I've been there and I'm not trying to go back. I'm actually scouring my brain as we speak and can't really think of anything negative about '08 besides the economy, so I thought I'd list a few things and see where there's room for improvement in '09.

Health: I got unusually sick in '07, but '08 was much better. I pretty much feel like I'm gonna die whenever I have a stomach ache or need my inhaler, so I had a few scares, but nothing too scary.

FUN: Man, I've been having the time of my life these past few years. From partying to jusst having convos with the homies, it's been great. I'm hoping the new year brings more.

Love Life: I didn't date much this year, but had a lot of...errrrhhh, I guess female interaction would be appropriate. Obviously, I'm still single, so my love life wasn't all that great, but I got to hang with some quality gals for a change. Unfortunately, I have the wt.o.a.t (worst timing of all time) so I should be blogging about poultry for a while longer.

Financial/Job: The career and finances continued to upgrade this year. God willing I'll be good money for '09.

I can't think of anything else. If I'm healthy, having fun and have enough money to pay bills, then I'm happy. What about you guys? How was your year? Can't wait for it to be over?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Santa Claus Is A Douchebag...And A Pervert

I wish you guys were with me Saturday afternoon, cause there's no way I'll ever be able to accurately describe what went down.

The L train has never been so rowdy. I was on there trying to write a little something via blackberry on the way home, but couldn't focus because some high school kids were louder than usual. I tried my best to ignore it at first, but then I noticed some old dude acting a monkey in front of the kids. The primate in question was some old dude wearing a Santa hat. The guy was walking around the train playing christmas carols with his hypeman taking requests. The craziest thing was that I don't even think he was playing for money. Dude was just being messy, playing way off key and mumbling some nonsense.

Just when I thought the circus closed and tried going back to my business, I heard some loud screams. Imagine my surprise when I saw Santa Douche pressing up on the kids -demanding a kiss from one of the girls. It was nuts! One in particular was borderline laughing and crying. The scene was a damn mess. Santa was going up and down the car playing Sax while his hypeman filmed him. At one point, he even gave this little girl his camera so she could film the scene. To top it all off, I asked this weirdo sitting next to me what was wrong with Santa and noticed that she had a gum ring. Yes! You've heard right, her gum, meaning the tissue that surrounds the necks of teeth and covers the alveolar parts of the jaws, had a freaking piercing in it.

Anyway, don't ever trust a grown man with a Santa hat and don't let your kids sit on their lap either. It's just too close to his saxophone.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

What's The Best Movie Of 2008?

The Dark Knight

Since the year's coming to an end, I thought I'd revisit some of its best and worse moments this week.

One of the year's worse moments, at least on an entertainment level, was the death of Heath Ledger back in February. I wrote a post at the time predicting that The Dark Knight would be the year's biggest film. Well, not only was it the year's top grossing film, for my money (not much), it's also the year's best.

One of my initial concerns upon hearing that Ledger was to incarnate the Joker was his lack of resemblance to the legendary DC Comics vilain. On the flip side, Jack Nicholson, who played the Joker in 1989's Batman, actually looked the part. I remember hearing early reports on Ledger's performance and thinking he couldn't possibly match Jack, but he arguably did an even better job. They may as well have killed the Joker off, because no actor on earth will ever be able to follow in Heath and Jack's footsteps. It'll be blasphemous if he doesn't nab the first Oscar nomination (and wins) for portraying a superhero.

Though he became the main draw, Ledger isn't solely responsible for Knight's success. The flick was pretty immaculate safe for two things: Batman's corny ass voice and Maggie Gylenhall. As much as I despise Kirsten Dunst, who thank the lord is rumored to not be featured in Spider-Man 4, Gynlenhall has to be the wackest superhero girlfriend ever. There's no way this chick would have two dudes, let alone a billionaire and successful lawyer, fighting over her. It's just un-believable. At least they killed her off. If Dunst makes it to Spidey 4, I hope she gets 86'd by Karnage or something.

As much as I loved Knight, Best Movie billing is always up for debate. I noticed something, though. My movie diet pretty much consisted of action flicks and comedies this year, no No Country For Old Men here. I dug Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Step Brothers, Iron Man, Hancock (do I need to pause that?) and Wanted just to name a few, nothing too deep. What do you guys think? What was your favorite flick of the year? I hear Slum Dog Millionaire is dope. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Girly Guys: The Feminization Of Straight Men

It never ceases to amaze me how often chicks fall out with one another.

Every now and then, I bump into an old co-worker or college buddy and ask about their homegirl only to find out they're "not cool anymore." It's pretty common. To let some women tell it, other chicks are catty, trifling, sneaky and dishonest backstabbers so they'd rather hang with dudes. Not to say dudes never snake one another, it just doesn't happen as much...For now.

Hearing my homegirls vent on the guys they've been dating, girly dudes are becoming quite trendy. I'm not talking about wardrobe, like... wearing scarves inside, but behavior. So if this keeps up I doubt girls will wanna hang out with men who act like chicks if they can't stand estrogen in the first place. So, after consulting a few homegals, I thought I'd list several ways men are becoming girlier.

GOSSIP: There's a fine line between gossip and back talk. Let's face it, we all talk behind people's backs (minus my boys EP and Roberto), but gossipers are plain nosy. They run with information whether it's confirmed or not -often spreading rumors in the process. For instance, my girl (friend) went to a function with her platonic friend (who so happens to like her) not too long ago. To make a long story short, her friend's acquaintance tried to holler unsucessfully. Next thing you know, the platonic friend confronted my homegirl on some, "I heard you gave so and so your number." Sounds like a pathological gossiper to me. A) Dude wasn't even there when his boy tried to holler. B) He got his information from a third party. C) He chose to run with unconfirmed info rather than check with my homie first.

HE SAY, HE DID: This is definitely an extension of gossiping. It's like romantic snitching. A man should never tell another man's business to get out of the dog house or make himself look better. That's one of the foundations of the G Code (Guy Code). I myself got wind of some stiletto ass negros I barely know spreading my business earlier this year. If the gossip wasn't straight out fabricated, it undoubtedly was reported based on third party information. That is so high pitch!

SIDEBAR: Be on the lookout. Sam please say the Ed and I are currently working on a short film entitled, The G Code starring the original Bedford Boys, Dallas Penn, Mark Lelinwalla and others.

TMI: There comes a point in a relationship where girls don't wait for you to ask about their day and just go in. They'll talk about getting their nails done, going to the spa and a bunch of crap dudes don't give damn about. But we know better, so we listen. Guys ask each other about their day too. We say, what up, what's new, what's the latest, what's good, etc, etc. But I'll be darned if some dude just starts telling me about his day without me asking him the deal. Example:

[Guys walks up to me and shakes my hand]

Guy: Yeah, this morning I woke up, yawned then took a shower, ate breakfast, went to the bookstore...

[I look at Guy crazy]

Then I called my homegirl, she didn't pick up, so I called her again. She finally picked up, so we went to lunch, had a glass of wine, it wasn't good. Then I went to the movies, it was sold out...Dude, shut up!

SHE DIDN'T CALL: This one is hilarious. It's pretty bad on my part, but I guess I got too much pride to be that girly. If a chick I really like doesn't call me back, I'll just take the L. Ain't no way I'm gonna call her whining like, "Why didn't you call me back?"

One of my homegirls interestingly told me dudes acting like girls is nothing new. Maybe I've just been noticing it more lately. I'm not gonna type here and act like I'm not a culprit myself. I'm petty and that's pretty girly. Other than that, I'm pretty scruffy. So, did I forget anything? Ladies, care to share some girly things your dates or boyfriends tend to do? I would have mentioned starting arguments, but dudes will bring up the topic with no ill intentions and the girl will take it there. But I'm sure you ladies beg to differ.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Do You Think You're Funny?

You know, LOL rules apply to real time comedy...At least in my opinion.

If I don't literally laugh out loud, it's not funny. Unfortunately, comedy is subjective, so there are folks out there who inexplicably think Seinfeld isn't any good, let alone consider it the G.O.A.T of sitcoms as I do. And then, there are folks who don't have a single funny bone, but annoyingly persist in cracking flat jokes. There's nothing worse than an unfunny person who laughs at their own jokes. FYI: If you have to remind me, 'I'm funny," you probably aren't that comical.

I hate to pull the gender card, but women especially like to claim comedian. Not to say dudes don't, but girls I know-with a few exceptions of course- always wanna claim funny. See, it comes down to percentages like anything else. Hit one out of three baseballs, you'll definitely make the majors. Hit two jumpers out of five, you might could make the NBA. But one or even two out of five good jokes, not funny.

I guess this is a trick question really. You ever seen Dave Chappelle or Eddie Murphy say, "I'm funny?" Dudes can have the hugest egos, or be straight divas, but they're interestingly pretty humble about calling themselves funny. So, with that said. Do you think you're funny?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Michelle Obama Vs. Jessica Biel...

I usually have a specific point in mind when blogging, but bear with me here.
I'm still figuring this out as I go along, so it's moreso me searching for answers rather than taking a stance and then opening the floor like I usually do.

See, I always say I don't discriminate, but on second thought, I do. Sure, I've played in the snow before, but in retrospect, I always did because I had no other options. I won't go into specifics, but I remember having the option to "date" a black chick and a white chick at one time. The black chick was cute, but she wasn't screen saver material or anything. The white chick pretty much had her beat in every category (buttocks included), but I still leaned on the black girl just because.

Given the same scenario today, I'm not sure I'd come to the same conclusion. My boy Cash sent me photo of Jessica Biel (posted above) earlier today and it ruined my day. I found myself incapable of closing the window. Per our ASSymetric system, Biel is a 38. Special, but we may need to revise her caliber. Man, I'd love to take her to the gun range.

In any event, I got on AIM and started sharing God's work with a few of my friends. Then I sent it to a female friend of mine and joked that Jessica Biel was the future and that black women were in trouble if the average white chick started looking like her. Shoot! Professional athletes have been dating surf boards for years, if Biel became the norm, regular dudes may just start deffecting in increasing numbers. My friend had an interesting response, though. To let her tell it, black women shouldn't feel threatened because brothers were now looking for Michelle Obamas. Is that so?

I mean, pretty much every dude I know said they'd rather be nailing Sarah Palin than Obama, so I'm not convinced by my friend's claim. Sure, Palin's perceived as more of a jump off, but she's getting picked nonetheless. Barack's election is clearly gonna change the way black men are perceived. Allow me to be pedestrian once again. I'm thinking less black women are likely to contract jungle fever now. On the flip side, white women and any other ethnicities for that matter, probably have "birth mixed baby" in their one-year plans now.

But what about Michelle, what kind of impact is she making? I think an Essence editor recently wrote something about Michelle having a positive impact on the way black women will view themselves from now on. That's not the point my friend was making, though. She was saying that Michelle Obama types, (educated, intelligent, classy) are becoming more desirable to black men. Pardon the pessimism, but I don't think so. Dudes aren't about to switch from airheads to Michelles cause she's the first lady. Preferences will likely remain the same. Now, as much as I'd love to handle that 38., I honestly don't see myself going there. You know I just be talking junk. But let a NBA player get to pick between a Michelle and a Jessica Biel type? Do you think he's less likely to pick Jessica than he was before?