Monday, January 26, 2009

The Drunken Scale: Stages Of Intoxication...



People never like to admit being drunk for some reason.

I don’t get it. If I'm plastered, I'm plastered. It’s not embarrassing until you dance on tables or puke on the dance floor. I swear, people be throwing up, wiping the dinner off their mouths and disclaiming, “I’m not drunk, I’m not drunk.” So, since I had nothing better to do, I thought I’d create a Drunken Scale complete with symptoms to determine when we can no longer claim sobriety. Here we go.

Buzzed: Senses aren’t impaired yet. Liquor has clearly infiltrated the system, but not enough to have completely breached sobriety. One or two drinks away from .08 blood/alcohol level depending on the weight. Symptoms: None: Throwupability: 1%...Unless, it’s indigestion-related, throwing up is practically impossible.

Tipsy/Nice/Right: Senses slightly impaired, yet intoxication still invisible to the naked eye. Symptoms: Gratuitous smile, courage. Carl Says: The tipsy may approach a woman with more ease or dance more than usual. Throwupability: 20%...Still pretty likely. See Buzzed.

Drunk/Bent/Blasted/Plastered/Faded/F*ckedUp/Twisted/Hammered/Crunk/Trashed//Lit/Wasted/Shitfaced: Senses highly impaired, especially sight. Likely to mistake busted to average looking women for dime pieces. Symptoms: Brutal honesty, emotionality, delusion, slurred speech, frequent speech, nonsensical speech, bad posture, narcolepsy (aka dozing off), shamelessness, homosexual tendencies (not that there's anything wrong with that). Carl Says: The Drunk just can't shut up. Whether spilling his guts, revealing supposed secrets, reminding his friends he/she loves them or telling a new acquaintance they're cool, the Drunk just can't shut up. Also prone to bad decision making, embarrassment and kiss girls (whether man or woman). Throwupability: 50%...Depending on the person's tolerance, the number of drinks and the span in which they were consumed, likely to throw up, be hung over, suffer from a headache, or all three.

Black Out/Gone: Code red. May end up in a bath thub, face down on the toilet or a stranger's bed. Symptoms: Memory loss, schizophrenia. Carl Says: The point at which the Drunk acts totally out of character and remembers nothing of it the next morning. Throwupability: 60%...The forecast predicts intestinal precipitations.

Incapacitated/Done: Senses critically impaired. May end up in the ER with a pumped stomach. Symptoms: Unresponsive (aka can't walk, can't talk, can't move). Throwupability: 90%

This scale is pretty loose of course. I've been everything from buzzed to drunk and even blacked out back in my teens, but I rarely throw up. Never been incapacitated either. Thank God! I'm done testing my limits. Tipsy is the way to go. Just enough of a buzz to have fun and wake up sober the next day. I'm sure I forgot plenty of symptoms. Any suggestions? What point on the scale do you usually reach?


10 comments:

Happyrunningbunny said...

OK, that just made me literally LOL and people in my office are looking at me crazy.

I've been everything from buzzed to incapacitated. I used to take it to the extreme in my undergrad years. I agree that tipsy is the best because nothing is worse then having a whole day wasted because your head won't stop spinning and you can't keep any food down.

Double A said...

Lmao, I luv it. Well I've been tipsy and twisted. For some odd reason, when I'm tipsy I do grow a pair of balls (I know I'm a female blah lol) and when I'm tipsy my inner becky comes out full force, I will scream at random times, raise my hands in the air and start flailing my arms about wildly for no apparent reason other than the fact that I just want to move. But I'm a happy drunk, can we take some time to address the mean drunks?? I have a friend, petite 90 someting pound frame (on a wet day) who always wants to "start something" when she gets "plastered" (I heart that word by the way) but she's been this way for as long as I've know her, luckily she's in school for most of the year so she or I haven't gotten our asses beat for some random ish she's said. Lol for the most part though I, on the other hand, am quite content with just geting buzzed or tipsy, on a good day

ron mexico said...

excellent work, jackpot.

i'm gonna have to say that once you call cousin earl and the dinner's on your face, you're probably not drunk... anymore.

and once you hit the incapacitated/done stage, throwupability is probably back in the single-digit percentile because instead of chuckin your body is taking the punishment.

anna said...

do you want some patron?

MeLa Machinko said...

this rules.

Im tapping out tho... no anecdotes about my embarrassing drunken escapades. I'm getting too old for this shit. hehe

J-Rod said...

Tipsey is the way to go, huh, Carl? But, er ah, there's that brutal honest sympton in the next stage you mention next that sounds kinda familiar. LOL.

Jackpot aka H.D. aka Desckabaisses said...

Jay, I'm brutally honest sober. lol But you right, there were one too many of those nights in 08, which is why tipsy is the way to go from now on.

Werdplay said...

the picture above...someone took a mad long time to fill half that dude up with black ink.i really gotta give it up to whoever owned that fucker that day.

Matou said...

This was funny as hell!!!!!!!! LMBO!!!
I myself have only gone up to Blackout/Gone... Never Incapacitated THANK GOD. Definitely not a good look... So I agree, Tipsy is the way to go!

The Cocoa Luv Chronicles said...

Blackout/gone was New Years and this is why i will not drink like that EVER AGAIN!