People never like to admit being drunk for some reason.
I don’t get it. If I'm plastered, I'm plastered. It’s not embarrassing until you dance on tables or puke on the dance floor. I swear, people be throwing up, wiping the dinner off their mouths and disclaiming, “I’m not drunk, I’m not drunk.” So, since I had nothing better to do, I thought I’d create a Drunken Scale complete with symptoms to determine when we can no longer claim sobriety. Here we go.
Buzzed: Senses aren’t impaired yet. Liquor has clearly infiltrated the system, but not enough to have completely breached sobriety. One or two drinks away from .08 blood/alcohol level depending on the weight. Symptoms: None: Throwupability: 1%...Unless, it’s indigestion-related, throwing up is practically impossible.
Tipsy/Nice/Right: Senses slightly impaired, yet intoxication still invisible to the naked eye. Symptoms: Gratuitous smile, courage. Carl Says: The tipsy may approach a woman with more ease or dance more than usual. Throwupability: 20%...Still pretty likely. See Buzzed.
Drunk/Bent/Blasted/Plastered/Faded/F*ckedUp/Twisted/Hammered/Crunk/Trashed//Lit/Wasted/Shitfaced: Senses highly impaired, especially sight. Likely to mistake busted to average looking women for dime pieces. Symptoms: Brutal honesty, emotionality, delusion, slurred speech, frequent speech, nonsensical speech, bad posture, narcolepsy (aka dozing off), shamelessness, homosexual tendencies (not that there's anything wrong with that). Carl Says: The Drunk just can't shut up. Whether spilling his guts, revealing supposed secrets, reminding his friends he/she loves them or telling a new acquaintance they're cool, the Drunk just can't shut up. Also prone to bad decision making, embarrassment and kiss girls (whether man or woman). Throwupability: 50%...Depending on the person's tolerance, the number of drinks and the span in which they were consumed, likely to throw up, be hung over, suffer from a headache, or all three.
Black Out/Gone: Code red. May end up in a bath thub, face down on the toilet or a stranger's bed. Symptoms: Memory loss, schizophrenia. Carl Says: The point at which the Drunk acts totally out of character and remembers nothing of it the next morning. Throwupability: 60%...The forecast predicts intestinal precipitations.
Incapacitated/Done: Senses critically impaired. May end up in the ER with a pumped stomach. Symptoms: Unresponsive (aka can't walk, can't talk, can't move). Throwupability: 90%
This scale is pretty loose of course. I've been everything from buzzed to drunk and even blacked out back in my teens, but I rarely throw up. Never been incapacitated either. Thank God! I'm done testing my limits. Tipsy is the way to go. Just enough of a buzz to have fun and wake up sober the next day. I'm sure I forgot plenty of symptoms. Any suggestions? What point on the scale do you usually reach?