funkyminds

Hey Dude, You Have a Dimple...

2009-12-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

There's never a dull moment at work.

If I need a break from my exhaustive workload, I can just step right outside of my office and walk ear-first into some of the most entertaining debates you can imagine. Two dudes in particular usually spar against one another. We'll call them Shawn and Dwight, two debaters who quickly go for the jugular whenever the other slips.

In any event, they both suggested that I write an entry about one of their latest battles. In the middle of a recent debate, Shawn thought it was a good idea to mention, "hey, you have a dimple" to Dwight. Needless to say Dwight seized the moment and tortured Shawn for his slip-up. He immediately gave him grief for telling another man about his dimple. Though the original debate took place two days ago, I just called them into my office so they can re-state their case for you guys. Here's how it went.

[Shawn and Dwight both step into my office]

Me: So, I'm bout to blog about this and I want to get it right. What's your take on the dimple thing?

Dwight: I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to bring notice, compliment, anything of another man’s dimple. Some things God invented for women to compliment and dimples are one of them.

Shawn: [Rolls his eyes] All I said, was, "Yo, you have a dimple. I pointed it out, because you have one. I didn’t say your dimple is cute, I said you got a dimple when you smile. It’s an observation I made.

Dwight: So if I got nice pearly white teeth, you gon tell me about it?

Shawn: Shit, if you got nice teeth, you got a nice smile, yea.

[Me and Dwight shake our heads in disagreement]

Shawn: Y’all niggas are so homophobic.

[Dwight walks out and closes the door behind him.]

Me: Yo, leave the door open.

Dwight: [Laughs]

Actually, I don't think there's anything homophobic about it. I don't really think Shawn's comment made Dwight uncomfortable. He was bustin' his balls, pause, because he could. It's the same reason we pause. It's for the sport, nothing else. If you slip up and say something that can be perceived as questionable in front of other men, be prepared to face the consequences. That's just how it is? And frankly, it usually makes for memorable comedy.

So, what do you guys think? Should Shawn have told Dwight about his dimple? Was Dwight too hard on Shawn, pause? Has pausing gone too far? Let's talk about it!

Did You Really Just Ask Me That On Facebook?

2009-12-22T17:11:00.000-08:00

I love facebook. Through it, I’ve been able to get in contact with a good number of folks I otherwise never would have been able to reconnect with—people I haven’t seen in roughly 10-13 years.

So yea, I love facebook. It’s an application on my phone, so when I’m out and about you may get one of my random updates. I don’t like twitter, so I usually use facebook to satisfy my urges for public randomness. Maybe it has to do with those damn updates, but there’s some definite inappropriateness going on on facebook.

I could be wrong, but I don’t remember myspace having the same problem. I noticed that people love asking personal questions on fb. Like, rather than send a message, they'll inquire, " are you dating anybody right now" or "got any kids yet" right on your freakin' wall for your 500 to 1000 friends to see. Needless to say, I always respond in an email. Now, I won’t make any excuses, but those long-lost friends are more focused on the fact that they haven't heard from you in years, not that their means of communication is questionable. In that sense, they almost (but not quite) get a pass. Now, I really have a bone to pick with people I communicate with often. Some will text me all day and then ask me a question on fb. Dude, why? You couldn’t send me one more text? What’s even worse is they’ll keep hitting you on facebook, not via text, if you ignore their question.

You see, I’m particular. “Looking forward to this weekend” is an acceptable wall post. You and the poster know exactly what it’s about, but it’s vague enough that no one else is in your business. Now, “you still coming to Marquee Tuesday?” is absolutely unacceptable. The post mentions a date and location. That's just too much information. It's probably isn't a big deal for some. I know a lot of you only accept people you know, so you don't mind any of that information going around. But for me, facebook isn't only family and friends. I accept everyone blindly, so some of fb friends don't know me from a can of paint.

Have you guys noticed the same thing? Has someone posted a personal question your wall before? If you don't mind sharing it, what was it?

The Blacker the Berry...

2009-12-21T18:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, but this never-ending conversation doesn't get old for me— perhaps 'cause it hits home.

Since I've already written about my alleged light skin preference on this blog, I thought I'd bring up an angle we haven't discussed before. Now, I'll say it again. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a complexion preference. I personally don't have one, but I typically can't blog or mention my appreciation for Paula Patton without being called out on it. But here's what I've noticed, at least in my circles. It seems like a lighter guy can mention his red bone penchant with little to no reproach. I, on the other hand, usually get crucified for being attracted to a woman who supposedly isn't dark enough. A person I've never met (I actually don't know who she is) once commented, "Funny, none of your examples even had your skin color...hmmmmm" when I posted images of Patton, Kim Kardashian, Amerie and Lauren London in an old post discussing beauty. So the fruck what? I've also heard, "I know Nia Long is your personal G.O.A.T., but she's not even that dark." So, you mean to tell me I should prefer women closer to my complexion? Isn't that discriminatory?

The thing that always gets me is that these allegations are never based on anything tangible. Most of the morons who've accused me of being a light skin lover are people who have never seen a single person I've dated. Now, I could try to dig up photos of ex girlfriends and past flings, but then I'd be as bad as white people who say they aren't racist because they have black friends.

Though I refuse to acknowledge a preference, I admit the ratio of women I've dated has been on the lighter side the past year or so. But it wasn't by design, just coincidental. The crazy thing is that once I realized it, I momentarily thought the next woman I date should be dark skinned in order to break the cycle. Nonsense! I seem to stumble on patterns. That's what I do. I'm pretty sure I had a darker streak at some point. How come no one said anything then? Isn't it prejudice if I only date dark skinned women? Or is it cool because I'm also dark? On another note, I always hear women, light and dark, say how they prefer darker men. I don't hear anybody complaining there, especially not me. This is clearly not a generalization, at least maybe not outside my circles.

Now, I'm really about to get in trouble. Sorry, but I don't hear too many pretty dark skin women complaining about this dark skin/light skin crap. Again, that's my personal experience, not a generalization. And don't y'all have the nerve to tell me Serena Williams is pretty. FOH! I wouldn't pick Tiny over Gabrielle Union and I shouldn't be expected to choose India Arie over Sanaa Lathan.

I'm not saying there are no complexion-related injustices out there. I'm not sure a candidate of my color would get too far in the presidential race. And there's no denying that the light/dark ratio for women is absurdly disproportionate in Hollywood. But it has nothing to do with my preference or lack thereof.

Free Wesley Snipes!

PS: Reading is fundamental.

The Garbage Man...

2009-12-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

You guys will have to excuse me if this entry comes off a bit cocky in the beginning, but it's needed to put things into perspective.

Simply put, I've never played a sport I wasn't good at. At 5, I was already playing soccer with my 15-year-old brother and my dad, both excellent soccer players in their own right. By the time I got to the little leagues, these kids didn't stand a chance. I remember just killing the tryouts one year. I must have been 7 or 8. My team was ahead by a few goals when the coaches had the brilliant idea to switch me over to the other team. Ppff! We came right back and beat my old team. My World Cup ambitions didn't last too long, though. Soon enough, I was obsessed with baseball. To this day, my brother Gary thinks I could have made the pros if I stuck with it. But then I started playing basketball.

Now, things got to a slower start with bball. The other kids were pretty experienced by the time I started balling so I had to play catch-up. I eventually did and became a pretty good player. Well, not NBA good, but good enough to compete with the best I've played against. But like soccer and baseball, my hoop dreams eventually came to an end. This time, it wasn't for lack of interest, I knew I wasn't draft material, so I TRIED (key word) focusing on school instead. I haven't played consistent ball since maybe 2001, so needless to say my skills have greatly deteriorated since then. It was slow road, though.

Once I stopped playing, I got into the bad habit of playing once or twice a year. I remember playing for the first time in about a year back in '02, '03. My cousins Diddy and Frantz are witnesses. "I haven't played in like a year," I disclaimed minutes before the game started. By the fourth or fifth possession, I got by my defender with a jab step, cradled the ball Stacey Augmon-style, and went up for a dunk over my cousin's neighbor. "You haven't played in a year my ass," the anonymous neighbor complained. I missed the dunk. But the point was, despite having been away from the game for so long, I could still play.

About two years ago, I had some memorable playground 2 on 2 games with my boys Ed, Fred and Guytwin. Though rusty, I clearly still had some ball left in me, pause. Feeling good at the time, I told myself (as I had a million times before) that I had to get back on the court before it was too late. I was still hopeful when I played a few games after work last summer. I was leaning towards the awful side, but nothing a few pick-up games wouldn't have fixed. As many times as my boy Hobbs invited me to play ball on Saturdays, I declined to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm all day. It's not like I hadn't seen the episodes before. I mean, I own the entire series on DVD for God's sake.

Anyway, my boy Jax hit me to join his basketball team last week. Hmmmmmmmmm! Why not? I figured I'd been putting the game off all those years, so it was finally time to get back to it before I reached the point of no return. Well, apparently it's too late. We had our first scrimmage this past Monday to determine what division we'll play in. Like I said, despite being on the suckier side, I had some moments the last few times I played ball. Well, there were no moments on Monday. Man, I sucked hard, pause! The funny thing is I observed the other team during the warm-ups and thought to myself, "these guys suck, (1) I probably won't look too bad." Please! I sucked against sucky players— the kind of guys I probably would have embarrassed back in the day. It was so bad! I had all these great moves in mind, but it's like my body wouldn't follow. And let's not even talk about my cardio. I was Allen Iverson out there, hitting the floor and stuff. Sure, my sneakers are done and the floor was slippery, but I didn't see anybody else take a dive. And I'm not talking Dennis Rodman hustle dives. I'm talking fall off my ass dives. Man, I'm garbage. Fittingly, I've become a garbage man— the type that has to settle for rebounds off good positioning and contribute with hustle plays 'cause he doesn't have the talent to keep up in other areas. What a mess! SMH!

I'm glad I'm able to poke fun, but it does hurt a bit. All those inactive years, basketball never left me. I'm at home shadow dribbling on my way to the kitchen on a daily basis. Either that, or I flick my wrist (pause) to motion jumpers at any random moment. Too bad those non-exercises didn't help preserve my game. I'll probably never be the same player, but I hope I can get back to a decent level.

What about you guys? Have you had similar experiences playing the sports you've played growing up? Maybe it was dancing, or something else. In any event, I'd like to know about it. If y'all suck too, it may just make me feel a bit better.

(1) I don't pause in my thoughts

I Quit!

2009-11-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

Obviously, blogging hasn't been easy for me these past few months.

It's not that my life's been so uneventful that I haven't had anything to write about, not exactly. As I've told you before, I prefer blogging when the entries write themselves. And whenever something blogworthy happened during the past few months, I've seemingly struggled to find the right words to bring new entries to life. It's usually much easier when recounting real life events, but even that hasn't been working. At one point, I was playing around with this Top 10 Overrated White Girls list, but I never quite got into the right rhythm to complete it.

While on hiatus, I occasionally bumped into people asking when my next blog was coming. I never had an answer. By the way, last week's entry, Told You I Was the G.O.A.T., almost never made it onto the site. I must have contemplated it for weeks before finally writing it. As always, when I finally decided to move forward, the entry wrote itself. I actually thought it was some of my best work. I felt great about it until I realized it only got five comments, including two from some anonymous person. Man, I bricked! I went triple wood!

Frankly, I'm a little confused... but I’m pretty sure I think you guys suck. I thought I had an instant classic on my hands, but instead of commenting, you punks hit me on AIM with some "lol, crazy" or asked me some unrelated questions like, "what's good for the weekend?" Assholes! I mostly make fun of poultry on this blog, but the one time I write an entry about a girl I like, you guys don’t have anything to say? Was it not goofy enough? Am I relegated to writing about pelicans, interior scarf wearing pricks, fasting bloggers, upsetting train rides and weird theories? You people disgust me. I guess you jerks didn’t miss me that much. I quit!

KIDDING!

But seriously, I'm still curious to know what you think about last week's entry, so if you haven't yet, click here and leave a comment. You can be anonymous.

[Blogger's Note: I'm sure someone somewhere thinks I'm dead serious]

Told You I Was the G.O.A.T...

2009-11-17T21:39:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me know I’m somewhat of a hoodrat.

I’m the type to do something stupid just so I can tell you about it later. For example, one of my boys got into a quasi-fight with a fa’nook (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and his homegirl earlier this year. I knew the fellers had it covered, so rather than jump in, I went across the street and got our "adversaries"' friend’s number just so I can tell my boys about it over drinks.

I haven’t had to make up too many stories lately, though. I’ve become sort of the G.O.A.T. Just last Wednesday my facebook status read, “Is tired of being the G.O.A.T.” Right on cue, my boy Ali, a Top 5 Carl ball buster right behind my punk ass cousin Farrah, commented, “Oh Carl, I'm so glad that you're still that same ole humble person.” Actually, I wasn’t referring to any prowess, but my unmatched ability to find myself in the most unlikely storylines—the type of stuff you just can’t make up.

Like, I was kinda sorta so to speak hanging out with this girl this summer. We’ll call her Tina. I can’t really remember how many dates we’d been on at the time, but we spoke via AIM fairly often and occasionally traded text messages. Anyway, one night, during one of our many IM conversations, we began toying with the idea of hooking up some of our friends. She apparently had this one girl in mind. We’ll call her Rachel. You know us guys always need visuals (even when it's not for us) before committing to a hook up. Thankfully, she told me providing photos wouldn’t be a problem ‘cause Rachel had a website. Imagine my surprise when I clicked the link. I'd actually gotten Rachel’s phone number at a bar in the city days before. TRUE STORY!

To make a long story even longer, I was standing near the front door, trying to see if this bench was dry enough to sit on when Rachel invited me to sit next to her. After chatting for a few minutes, she announced that she was leaving and suggested, “why don't you take my number down?” Mind you, I had no clue Tina and Rachel were friends; and Rachel didn’t know Tina and I were talking. It was all pure coincidence. WHAT…THE…FUCK!

Still in shock, I pondered my options. Should I tell her? What if I don’t and bump into Tina and Rachel at a later date? I hadn’t even made contact with Rachel, so how big a deal could it be? Thinking I had more to lose by keeping it a secret, I decided to tell her. Now, my cousin was against it. He said I should have avoided potential Rachel collisions for some time and then brush it off if I ever had to face the situation. Only me. I swear!!!

But wait, there’s more. Several weeks later, Tina so happened to be on my facebook page and noticed that I recently friended a girl named Tonya. She must have sensed that Tonya and I met earlier this summer. Not sure if it’s standard behavior when women like guys, but Tina decided to click through. Come to find out, Tonya had two friends in common, me and Tina's EX!!!!! Further research revealed that her ex contemplated talking to Tonya, but decided against it for reasons that are none of your nosy ass business.

SO, I typically conclude entries with one question, but I’ll use a mini questionnaire today. Did I make the right decision by telling Tina? Fellers, would you tell? Ladies, how would you respond if you were Tina? Was my cousin’s advice any good? Do you ever look through your mate, person-of-interest/secret crush’s facebook page to see what's going on? See you guys in four months.

My Inner Nerd...

2009-07-07T19:00:00.001-07:00

I've never been much of a nerd growing up.

I never looked the part and surely never had the grades to match. I did pretty good in college, but as I may have mentioned before, I managed to get good grades without buying any books and I hardly ever studied. Not too nerdy. But looking back now, I've always been into things associated with nerds...at least for grown ups.

I'm not much of a comic book collector. My last purchase was the Watchmen graphic novel I bought earlier this year. Before that I pretty much got my Marvel and D.C. Comics education through my older brother's immense collection. I may not buy new comics, but I turn into an absolute stan when superheroes hit the big screen. Well, there are exceptions. Hulk was pretty suckspect and I gave up on Daredevil the second I found out Ben Affleck was casted as Matt Murdock. But if I like them, I usually cop the DVD when they come out.

I've been having a hard time adding Transformers and G.I. Joe to my DVD collection, though. Not the movies, but the original cartoon series. I always found some questionnable versions on Amazon.com, but they never looked too official. It turns out the complete series will finally be available this month, Transformers next week and G.I. Joe on July 22. You already know my inner nerd came out and I pre-ordered them joints.

Video games are another thing associated with nerds but everybody but me has a recent system (I never got past PS2) so I'm not sure it counts. What about you guys? What are some of the "nerdy" things you're into? Does your room look like Steve Carrell's in The 40-year-old Virgin? Tell me about your inner nerd.

How Dare You Say That About Michael's Song?

2009-07-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

When Michael Jackson passed last Thursday, I called my older brother Gary— the main person responsible for me being an MJ stan growing up.

"Are you gonna blog about it?" he asked. I did try writing a little something, but just couldn't find the right words so I left it alone. Besides, what's another blurb on MJ these days. Like, pretty much anything comes off cliche at this point. Yes, I still can't believe he's gone. Yes, it feels like a family member died. Yes, I've never seen anything like this in my lifetime.

It's incredible to walk around and hear random cars bump cuts off Thriller or Off the Wall. The day after his death, most of us at the job expected MJ sales to go back up possibly even top the charts. Well, we looked at the numbers this morning and it turns out he actually has the top 3 albums in the country. His Number Ones CD sold 107, 800 copies, Essential Michael Jackson moved 102, 000 units and Thriller scanned 101, 000 CDs.

After sharing chart numbers, some of us at the office somehow ended up pitting Thriller against Off the Wall. While my boy Rob picked Off the Wall, my other co-worker, who shall remain anonymous, chose Thriller— citing that the album only had one "wack song." I don't know about you guys, but I thought that album was pretty much flawless, let alone featured a "wack song." The funny thing is, I was just listening to "The Lady In My Life" on my iPod moments earlier, so I showed it to him. "Yes! That song," he confirmed. "That song is horrible." Dude! That song is a CLASSIC and there's no debating it. If you think otherwise, I'm forced to question you as a human being. Basically, you're suckspect. Rob and I immediately told him he was bugging. If you can't remember the song off top, click here to listen.

Man, I borderline took it personal when he dissed the song. He said it was too soft. Duhhhhh! It's a freakin' love song. Anyway, should my co-worker have been stabbed, shot, or gotten the chair for blaspheming on MJ's classic? Anybody else think that song is "horrible" or "too soft?" If so, please delete me from your facebook. Thank you!

Have You Ever Been Blogged About?

2009-06-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

I've said it a while back and I'll say it again. Blogging is the new rapping.

Everybody's got a freakin' blog. Interestingly enough, my blog has become sort of a punchline for some of my friends. We'll be out, something totally random happens and they joke, "you gon blog about this?" In some instances, something they deem blogworthy happens and they suggest that I write about it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Some of my personal favorite blog entries have actually been inspired by my friends' suggestions. At times, they have dilemmas and ask me to blog about it so they can get some input from the comments. I usually run details by them before and make sure I do have their permission posting anything.

I didn't always do the same thing for some of my earlier blog topics. I admit, I've written an entry or three poking fun at some women I've dated. I should have known better. God knows I'd be pissed if I found out that some girl blogged about me. A few of my homies have been dissed in blogs in the past. They weren't too thrilled.

I still write from experience, but now the bulk of the content is based on convos I have with my friends. Still, sometimes I wonder if some people feel targeted whenever reading this blog. I hope not.

What about you guys? Have you ever been blogged about? If so, was it flattering? Was it upsetting? What'd you do about it? As far as I know I've never been blogged about. And since I don't blog about anybody in particular, I hope it stays that way. If not, you guys might witness some serious ether.

I Should Like You...But I Just Don't

2009-06-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

I still blog from time to time in case you were wondering.

I just haven't had much to talk about lately so I hit the streets and started messing with people for inspiration. Still nothing. But I was talking to this bel ti fi earlier today and thought of something. Some of my friends (hi Mark) tease me about being too picky every now and then. I must say, I can't totally disagree with them. I also tend to make a big deal out of small things, so I get turned off of women pretty easy.

I ran a few deal-breaking incidents by a few of my friends a while back. They all had a good laugh, but for the most part, they didn't think the infractions were that bad. Looking back, maybe they weren't. The thing is, in some cases, it's a build up. Once somebody has annoyed you one too many times, from that point, the slightest thing will get on your nerves from here on out.

Anyway, taking into consideration that I may have been bugging, I told myself I needed to loosen up a bit...you know, try to focus on women's qualities rather than fuss about them asking too many questions during movies. I did try to apply my new tude. The thing is, no matter how much the girls had going for themselves, it just wasn't enough. They were cute, intelligent, liked Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, but still...NOTHING! The girls were great on paper, but I didn't care. It's like... I forced myself to like somebody, but it obviously didn't work. Like, I should like you, but I just don't. Oh well, I'll probably fall for the biggest bitch instead.

Fellers, ever been in the same situation? Ladies, I know you have.

Chery Love: If I Had My Own VH1 Show

2009-05-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a sucker for those VH1 love shows. I religiously watched the first two seasons of Flavor Of Love, didn't miss a beat on Real Chance Of Love and really enjoyed For The Love Of Ray J.

Those of you who have been reading this blog know I've had a hard time meeting my match. Who knows, VH1 may be able to help. I'm no celebrity but I look at least better than Flavor Flav and I haven't been doing too bad for myself over the years, so I'd like to think I'd be able to attract a pretty decent stable. If anything, maybe they'd be excited about being seen on TV.

I'm a nobody, but you'd swear I was famous the way I'd be acting on the show. Here's the trick, I'd have to be involved in every single recruiting phase. We'd probably hit up Habana Outpost in Broolyn for some prospects. Some of these Love contestants be hurt so I'm not trying to waste my time or theirs for that matter. It's either that, or I eliminate roughly half the pack by the first episode. Once the cast is slimmed down to a few beauties, I probably wouldn't make cuts every episode. I'd take my time to get to know the girls.

I'm not big on PDA (Public Display Of Affection), so you wouldn't catch me tonguing down none of the chicks on camera. Flavor consulted with Big Rick, Real and Chance had each other and New York took advice from the wicked witch of Eastwick, so I'd have my own counsel comprised of some of my best buds, including Mark, Sam please say the Ed, Roni, my cousins Frantz and Ted and my 514 fam, Edcredible, Fred and Qwest, to help me make decision. You dunn know I'm tight with a bunch of Haitian vackquabonds, so there would probably be some extra goons hangin' around whatever Mansion Viacom gets for us. Here's the twist. Once elimininated, the girls wouldn't be kicked out the house, just removed from the competition. They'd still get to come whenever we go out, they just wouldn't be in contention to be the last girl. But since my boys are around anyway, I'd tell him to holler at any of the ex contestants if they felt one of them. The good thing is, since I wouldn't kiss any of them, it's not like my boys would get sloppy seconds or anything. We were just talking. It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none, right? I wouldn't be surprised if one of them assholes tried to holla at one of the girls I'm liking either.

I'm thinking I may wanna invite past contestants from other shows too. I saw Rabbit in the city a few times and she definitely lived up to my in-person expectations. I like me some Buckeey, but I don't do poultry, so I'd probably have to leave her on some Atlanta video set. Trust me, I run with a bunch of characters. There wouldn't be too much Sean Coonery, but there'd be jokes for days. Come to think about it, I probably wouldn't even be the real star of the show.

What about you, fellers? What would your show be like? Ladies, would you ever consider being a contestants for a person you like, or have say 20 men fight over you? Knowing myself, I'd probably give VH1 a headache then go crazy and quit the first day.

I Don't Look Like Dwight Howard...Do I?

2009-05-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

Dwight Howard...

People just love to tell me I look like so and so.

As I've mentioned before, I've been told I resemble everybody from Omar Epps to Mos Def. For a while, those two names always seemed to pop up. Lately, I've been told I look like Orlando Magic center, Dwight Howard. Not so much. It all started with the homie Toby a while back, maybe as far as two years ago. We all got pretty twisted and he mentioned that I looked light Dwight. At the time, I laughed it off and blamed it on the alcohol. I didn't hear it again until earlier this year. The homie Bonsu went as far as to say I should audition for his Lil' Penny, Lil' Dwight if you will.

Some Dude...

You know what the problem might be? I smile too damn much. I'm always showing teeth, all 31 of them to be exact. DH also smiles a lot so maybe that's it. Other than that, the only similarity between Dwight Howard and I, is superb leaping ability. Well, I can't dunk anymore, but I used to hurt the rim back in the day. Anyway, I was all ready to totally slam (no pun intended) the Dwight Howard resemblance until I stumbled on the following photo.

I still don't think he looks like me, but maybe the gummy smile is what makes people point to a resemblance. Now, I'm not mad. I hear the ladies are quite fond of Dwight, so it's not a bad look. I just think the comparison is off. Do I look like Dwight Howard? Absolutely not! But then again, maybe I'm buggin'. What do you guys think?

How Honest Are You With Yourself?

2009-05-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

I look at myself in the mirror every morning.

But, sometimes, I wish I could see myself move and interact with other people just to see what people see. That way, I may be able to better understand the next person's point of view. I don't think any of us wanna be perceived as delusional, but I think we all go through our moments. I like to think I'm able to recognize my faults rather than constantly deny and point fingers, but every now and then, it's good to have friends who pulls no punches and show you the ugly truth. Let's not get it twisted. I don't listen to just anybody. I know who has my best interests at heart, who's malicious, and who's absolutely incapable of reading properly, so I value some opinions and take others with a grain of salt.

As of late, I've been trying to take more responsability for anything negative I'm involved in. For instance, if someone starts an argument, it may still be my fault. Knowing the person, I should know if what I say has the potential to set them off, so I can either choose to speak or remain quiet accordingly.

The best example I can give you is probably in romance. I've been writing this blog for well over a year and I'm still single. Now, I've been meeting women at a decent rate, gone out on a decent number of dates, but still struggle someone I click with. On the other hand, I've been meeting all types of crazy chicks. Now, I could just charge it to all women being crazy, but if I keep meeting the same type of women, who's fault is it, really? I hear girls complaining about how there's no good men out there. True, there's a lot of scum. But if you keep bumping into them, you may wanna look at yourself too.

I tell people all the time, my biggest flaw is that I embrace my flaws too much. Like, I'm absolutely comfortable the way I am and don't plan on changing for the most part. Chances are if you point out something negative about me, I'll agree with you, but I still go into denial about certain things like everybody else. It's not too bad when you know you're lying to yourself, but when you're oblivious to it, it's just not a good look. I honestly don't think there's a single person out there who is 100 percent honest with themselves. Some are just more than others.
Public perception's just a bitch. Just remember one thing, the next time you aren't being honest with yourself, somebody's most likely seeing right through you.

5 Reasons Why I Refuse To See Obsessed...

2009-04-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

There are some movies I just refuse to see.

Not too long ago, I told you guys I've never seen allegedly classic movies like The Titanic, E.T. and Brokeback Mountain. I don't have anything against E.T., but it played on HBO On Demand earlier this year and for some reason I had absolutely no interest in seeing it. I have Netflix now, so I've been ordering all these classic flicks like Wall Street, Platoon and Terms Of Endearment, but you won't find E.T. In my queue. As for Brokeback Mountain, let's not even go there. I don't think I wanna see Titanic either. I mean, it's not like I don't know how the movie ends.

In any event, imagine my surprise when I saw that Obsessed, that God awful Fatal Attraction rip off starring Beyonce Knowles and the Black Brad Pitt aka Idris Elba, debuted at no.1 at the box office- generating $28 million in its opening weekend. It even topped Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr.'s The Soloist aka a movie I'm going to see this weekend. Aside from Beyonce stans, I suspect that people went to see it just so they can laugh at how bad it is. Me, not so much. I wouldn't even go if Paula Patton or some smoking hot chick invited me. Well, I might consider going, but if I did, I'd lie to ya'll about it. I won't even see it when it hits cable. As a matter of fact, here are five reasons why I'll never see Obsessed.

5. Beyonce Is In It: This chick's been acting for years now and she's hardly shown any improvement. I heard she did decent in Cadillac Records, but then again, that was a singing role. Trust, I likes Beyonce, just not when she's acting.

4. Idris Elba Has No Facial Hair In It: Idris usually rocks the goatee or even the mustache as he does as Charles Miner in NBC's The Office. But, for Obsessed, dude is clean shaven. It kinda gives him an air of douchism, which explains why he cheats on his wife in the damn movie.

3. The White Girl Ain't Hot Enough: Granted, according to the story line, this white girl is supposed to be a slut bag, but there's no way I'd cheat on Beyonce for that chick. It's just not believable. I love Jennifer Love Hewitt and I wouldn't even cheat on Beyonce with her. Maybe Alyssa Milano, though.

2. I Could Be Seeing/Doing Something Else: Dude, The Soloist is out and Wolverine (no, I didn't see the bootleg) comes out Friday. Why in the hell would I wanna see Obsessed over those? Then, next week, Star Trek comes out. If I'm not watching one of those three, I'd rather be home getting my Netflix on.

1. Beyonce Can't Act: I'm pretty sure you've seen the preview when Beyonce asks, "someone was in my house?" I don't really think she wanted to know. The way she said it, I was really waiting for her to be like, "oh, it's cool. I left the door open anyway." Plus she just doesn't look like a mother. She needs more people. Steven Seagal > Beyonce

What Are You Listening To These Days?

2009-04-27T19:23:00.001-07:00

I don't talk about music too much on this blog, but I thought I'd make an exception today.

People always ask me, "what are you listening to these days?" The funny thing is I've been unable to answer that question the past few years. Though I listen to a wide variety of genres, hip-hop's been the meat of my musical diet for well over a decade. But in the past few years, outside of every single Kanye West release and rap records here and there, I haven't really been feeling hip-hop too much. I didn't think hip-hop was dead, but it definitely needed to be resuscitated in my opinion.

I spent these past few years pretty much digging back in time to listen to the countless records I've never heard. There's so much music out there. As much of a Stevie Wonder stan as I am, there's no way I heard his entire catalog, so I'll usually look for old records and rediscover new ones. I'm a steady digger, but as of late, I've been balancing old tunes and rediscoveries with more recent material, rap included.

I've been bumping Drake's So Far Gone mixtape for a few months now. If you aren't hip to dude, I suggest you get familiar. And let's not get it twisted, I'm not part of the heavy bandwagonism currently going on in the Big Apple. My homie Abner put me onto Drake back in '06 when he put out his Room For Improvement mixtape. He sure did improve. So Far Gone is full of bangers. I hate to like the most popular song on any CD, but "Best I Ever Had" is absolute fire. "Successful," "Let's Call It Off," "Lust For Life," "Uptown," "Little Bit" and "Unstoppable" to name a few, are also undeniable bangers. I think dude is hip-hop's next superstar.

Rick Ross' Deeper Than Rap is pretty dope, so is Asher Roth's Asleep In The Bread Aisle. It just feels right to be a rap fan again. On a non hip-hop tip, I've also been bumping J* Davey a lot. If you have a second, peep "Slooow" and "No More" off their The Beauty In Distortion/The Land Of The Lost Double EP." The-Dream also has some heat out there. "Walkin On The Moon" is my joint. The Shaft soundtrack, Chopin's "Nocturne In E Flat Major" and Enya's entire catalog have also been in heavy rotation as of late.

What about you guys what's in your iPod, CD changer, iTunes?

Getting A Haircut=So Teh Ghey...

2009-04-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

I definitely think too much.

My mind be wandering in all types of unecessary places. If I don't have a particular issue on the mind, my brain's busy pondering on hipothetical scenarios, daydreaming about being in the NBA or coming up with some left field theory. Here's one for you: going to the barbeshop is just about the gayest thing ever.

I don't like to think about it when I'm on the chair myself, but I did take a few notes while waiting my turn at the barbershop this past Friday. First of all, the barber gotta be all up in your face, pretty freaking close. Dude just be grabbing your head, pause, gently, lifting up your chin and in some cases I've seen, even roam around your lips. Mind you, sometimes the customer's sitting on the chair with his eyes closed...Teh Ghey! I mean, it's called a cut for God's sake. We all know what cutting means down in Atlanta, the alleged fa'nook capital of the world according to the legendary Pimp C. Next time a dude says, "I'm bout to get a cut," I'm pausing him.

Any of you guys ever noticed how teh ghey getting a haircut is? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Nobody Wants To Be Black Or White Anymore...

2009-04-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

Me and some of my homies have had this conversation several times.

There was a time when being any type of immigrant just wasn't cool. And I'm Haitian, I should know. Back in the day, kids kept their nationalities or heritage secret. It just wasn't a good look. As far as Haitians are concerned, the tables have definitely turned. Being Haitian is actually kinda cool now. I guess we partly have Wyclef to thank for that. It's not unusual to see random Haitian flags in rap videos. And trust me, the ones doing the waving aren't always Haitian. I saw Young City (formerly known as Chopper) from Making Da Band wearing my flag on his head in Miami last year and asked him if he was Haitian. Dude had the nerve to say yes. His name is Rodney freaking Hill. No deal! Rappers also always brag about being cool with some Goon ass Haitians.

On another note, it sort of seems like black isn't enough. My homie Ruffian Roni was telling me how a good number of folks he's known for years started claiming a different heritage out of the woodwork. Nobody wants to be black anymore. It's the same thing with white people...at least in urban culture. I've heard plenty of ethnically ambiguous folks disclaim, "I'm not white, I'm not white. Maybe they aren't, but my money (no much) says they are.

What do you guys think? Similar stories to share? Beg to differ?

Excuse Me, Are You Being Helped?

2009-03-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

These salesmen never do what I want them to do.

I'd like to think I'm not the most suspect looking dude, but I get these "that guy is either scheming or a window shopper" looks fairly often when I'm out shopping. They usually deal with me two different ways: ignore me cause they don't expect me to buy anything or ask me if I'm being help in a "yo ass damn well know you ain't buying nothing anyway" kinda tone.

Take this weekend for example. I was at Best Buy looking at laptops and couldn't help but hear the salesman's pitch. It was energetic, friendly, informative, in all pretty solid. I'm not too impressionable when it comes to retail, but had I been on the fence about a purchase, dude may have convinced me to spend a few dollars. You should have seen his demeanor change when I called him over a few minutes later. Mind you, he stood close by twiddling his thumbs for a few minutes while I basically did jumping jacks to get his attention. It must be the scruffy beard.

In any event, dude came over and waited for questions rather than pitch away as he did with the previous customer. He would give me one-word answers and just seemed in a hurry to wrap up the conversation. On the flip side, I also stopped by Macy's looking for some new shoes. I didn't need to know how much disk space those Kenneth Coles or Steve Maddens had, so I didn't really feel like being bothered. Still, every other Macy's Sales Associate or whatever they're called, asked if I was helped. There was something about their tone, though. This polite and seemingly genuine gentleman eventually walked by so I asked him for help. Might as well give the commission or whatever it is they get out of making a sale to the nice guy, not one of them scum holes.

What about you guys? How do you feel about those salesmen? Are they too pushy? Do they tell you prices beforehand hinting that it's out of your price range? Do they watch you, or ignore you because you aren't likely to buy. I'm thinking it may be different for women, but I could be wrong. The funny thing is I seem to get harassed when I don't need any assistance and then can't find any when I really need it.

Do You Acknowledge Beggars, Or Ignore Them?

2009-03-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

I won't lie, I usually turn the volume up when I hear, "ladies and gentlemen, can I get your attention?" on the train.

I don't know why, but I usually don't support these kids supposedly raising money for their basketball team. Perhaps because I myself took my cut from the pot back in the day. Shhhhhhhh! Don't tell my coach. The same goes for these cats doing them dance routines. They're just not that good...at least those I've been seeing on the L train as of late. Every now and then, I feel like getting up and battling them, but you know I'm lazy like that so I usually stay seated.

It's an entirely different storywith homeless people, though. I mean, every now and then, I see one bumming around with fresher sneakers than me, so I don't do nothing. I should be asking his ass for change. I give money every now and then, but usually it's like a reflex to just shrug my shoulders or say I don't have anything. But I usually have at least a few quarters on me and God knows they could use it.

Some homeless lady asked me for money at the Deli near my job today. I initial shrugged my shoulders as usual, but then I started thinking. God knows I'd want a hand if I was in her shoes. She was a sistah too. You should have seen her. Nobody would give her anything. So right when I got to the register, I checked my pockets for change and gave her a $5. She was sooooo appreciative. I feel bad cause I was a bit grossed out when shaking her hand so my grip was a bit awkward. The good thing about giving money to homeless folks is that people start following your lead. It's like they're embarrassed by holding out or something. The lady ahead of me at the register also gave her doe a few seconds later. I wanted to give her whatever singles I got back from my change so I can shake her hand properly, but she left smiling- thrilled that she had found her lunch money.

I know it's only a couple of dollars, but helping others is so gratifying. I'm gonna try to do it more often. I mean, what's a couple of singles really? I spend on little debbie and vodka, so why not help the needy? Plus I can still fit it into my $20 per week plan. I got a bunch of clothes I don't wear no more. It's time for me to stop talking and send them to Haiti for real. What about you guys? Do you give some spare change? If so, why not.

What's Your Favorite Curse Word?

2009-03-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

Whenever hibernating, I usually spend my weekend catching up on all my DVR recordings.

I typically dedicate a few hours to one of my favorite shows, Inside The Actors Studio with James Lipton. For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, it features Dean Lipton conducting interviews with some of Hollywood's greatest actors, actresses and directors-covering everything from early childhood and thespian beginnings to the subject's biggest successes. Lipton is an ill dude. Can you believe he's 82?

In arguably the show's most popular segment, he interrogates his guests using the Proust questionnaire. Since I'll never sit across Dean Lipton on Pace University's stage, and get a kick out of the questionnaire, I thought I'd answer the questions and ask you guys to do the same. Here we go.

What's Your Favorite Word?: I have no clue what my favorite word is, but I've been saying "chuch" a lot lately. Chuuuch!

What's Your Least Favorite Word?: Rad. Saying rad is just not...well, rad.

What Turns You On?: Anything new. There's something about traveling somewhere for the first time, being the new guy at a job, dating a new girl, finding a new passion, etc, etc.

What Turns You Off: Gratuitous drama or people who say things just to say them, but can't explain why they said it.

What Sound Or Noise Do You Love?: Laughter.

What Sound Or Noise Do You Hate?: Pain. The sound of someone in pain, either from losing a loved one or physical pain is absolutely unbearable.

What Profession Other Than Your Own Would You Like To Attempt?: If I had the talent, I'd love to play in the NBA.

What Profession Would You Absolutely Not Like To Try?: A cop. F the police.

What's Your Favorite Curse Word?: I don't curse much in english, but I do curse with some regularity in other languages. Not sure why. I have to go with, "ket." It's creole. I guess it's used in a similar context as damn, but then again there's no such thing as an exact translation. But to me, profanity only becomes vulgar when it's too gratuitous. I appreciate it in the right context. So if I'm pissed, the F-word will cover it.

Your turn.

I Don't Like Strip Clubs...

2009-03-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

I’m probably the minority here, but I don’t like strip clubs, not big on porn and never bought a skin magazine in my life.

I have two issues of Playboy Magazine, the one with Stacey Dash on the cover and the one with Vida Guerra on the cover. I got them for free, though.

But as far as strip clubs, I guess I can’t shake the image of a loser type drooling at the sight of a pair of bare Cs he'd never come close to without tipping. I know there's more to it, I just can't shake the image. Plus, I'd rather be with a woman than looking or watching one for some kind of stimulation. I’ve roughly been to strip clubs a handful of times and it usually has to do with bachelor parties. If we’re out on the town and the fellers suggest a strip club as our next destination, I’ll probably decline. Needless to say I’m not the average strip club patron.

I think some of those guys really believe some of that crap the strippers tell them to get more singles out of them. Pfffttt! I remember this one particular strip club visit. Everybody was sitting there bored, so I just made some change and gave some to the fellers so they can go make it drizzle on the strippers. And since it’s fun to do bad things, I went over there and started messing with the strippers. They were all in my ear trying to butter me up thinking I’d start spending, but I just started talking trash. “You think I’m one of these dudes who believes all that ish,” I told one. Then, WAP, I smacked her bottom with the wad of singles I had. She actually started laughing. Those dudes were trying to rub on them and here I was cracking jokes.

So no, I don’t like strip clubs. I’ll go if it’s your bachelor party, but if not, I’m good. The occasional bangbus and celebrity sex tape never hurt nobody, but unless I’m it’s a hook up I’ll also pass. The same goes for Playboy. If I don’t care about the celebrity, I’m not reading it.

What about you fellers? Feel free to weigh in ladies.

Carl Chery Vs. Danny Tejada: Who Looks More Nervous?

2009-03-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

About two years ago I started doing on-camera interviews for SOHH.com.

I had absolutely no training, but since I was the site's main writer, the homie Rashaun sent me to the MTV Video Music Awards' Press Junkett. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I had a mic and a cameraman I never met before. Next thing you know, publicists started bringing celebrities around for me to interview them on camera. I just started talking to them like I do my friends. I felt really comfortable. I went off the top and asked these celebs questions for hours. The next day, I went to work and got great feedback from my co-workers. Next thing you know, we started publishing the interviews online and I got some more good feedback from people. I had a ball running from red carpet to red carpet. I kinda miss it sometimes so every now and then, I log onto SOHH.com and watch some of my favorites.

I was watching perhaps my personal G.O.A.T. the other night, an interview with Vida Guerra, and decided to share it with the homie Danny Tejada. Danny's response: "you look nervous." Weird, cause I definitely felt comfy at the time. Danny then proceeded to tell me how he felt comfortable when he interviewed Chuck D a while back, so I asked to see it. Dude, 27 seconds into the interview, Chuck D tells Danny he enjoyed the drive up to the venue and D responds by nervously laughing. Wasn't nothing funny about that. So me being me, I hit him back and told him he had some nerve to talk about my nerves when he came off pretty nervous. So I told him to put his clip where his mouth is. Below, you'll see the interview Danny conducted with Chuck. Watch it and compare it with mine to determine which one of us loos more nervous. I know it's petty, but it's fun. So suck my cabbab. Since my interview is 60 seconds, make sure you only watch the first minute of Danny's clip. Don't worry, you'll only need 27 seconds. Oh and by the way, I know this is supposed to be subjective, but there is such a thing as a wrong answer here. Say Danny wins and I'll just call you crazy. After all, he already admitted that he thinks he's gonna get ethered.

Carl "Chews Gum Like A Horse" Chery Interviews Vida...

Danny Interviews Chuck D...

Don't Hook Me Up With Your Friend If She's Busted...

2009-03-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

I can't lie. Every now and then, I start thinking I'm too damn picky for my own good.

Looks aren't the end all be all, but I won't get to know how dope your personality is if there's no attraction there. I've gone out on dates before where I tried convincing myself that the girls were as cute as I wanted them to be. They were nice, intelligent and sometimes actually kinda cute, but I guess they weren't cute enough...to me at least. And I'm not saying I'm a stud or anything, I love me some pretty faces that's all. I used to have this thing where I wanted my next girlfriend to look better than my last.

My friends apparently don't think looks are that important. My cousin Farrah will be mad at me for this, but a while back she offered to hook me up with a friend. I don't do blind dates, so I asked for a visual. I don't have a type, but let's just say the girl wasn't my cup of henny and I don't even like henny. She could have hooked me up with one of the cute friends I've seen before, but nooooooooo, I guess her damn cousin ain't good enough.

I had another "your friend ain't cute enough" episode today. A friend of mine was busting my balls about me being too picky and brought up a friend she tried hooking me up with a while back. I couldn't remember what she looked like, so I asked for a reminder. Pffftttt! Let's just say now I remember why I wasn't interested in the first place. I couldn't believe she even suggested that girl. She stood by her friend, though -arguing that she just "wasn't cute to you." I threatened to get second, third and fourth opinions and I felt like sharing visuals with you all, but that'd be pretty foul.

Truthfully, I'm a little hurt that she tried hooking me up with her. I feel like she should have known I wouldn't go for it. I mean, it wasn't even close. I would never do that to any of my friends. My fellers, I love ya'll to death, but some of ya'll wouldn't get hooked up. I may have mentioned this one before. A while back, one of my facially challenged friends asked to get hooked up while I was on the phone with a young lady. But rather than cosigning when he kept screaming, "I'm cute, I'm cute," I just gave him the phone and let him sell himself. On the flip side, fellers, I would never do you dirty. If some questionable chick wants to get hooked up, I'm gonna warn you beforehand.

This got me thinking, though. Are all girls biased when it comes to their friends? My friend wouldn't admit that her friend wasn't cute and I doubt I can find a girl who admits that her friend doesn't look as good as her competition. Ladies, are all your friends pretty? Are you biased, or do you keep it funky? Fellers, ever had a similar experience? What about you ladies? Remember, the moral of the story is, don't hook me up with your friend if she's busted.

PS: I promise I won't be nicer next time.

I Like Doing Hoodrat Stuff With My Friends...

2009-03-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

Latarian "Real Talk" Milton...

It's fun to do bad things. Those of you who've hung out with me know that I have a juvenile streak.

Never been a thug or anything, but I've always had vackquabond tendencies. Please don't tell my mom. Every now and then, I just feel the urge to do something niggorant. The good thing is I usually control my urges. The bad thing is I get pretty jerk-ish when provoked. I think I may have told you about the time I threw gum in that rude lady's hair when I was 16. Pretty bad, I know. I don't do that stuff anymore, but every now and then, I still do hoodrat stuff with or without my friends. Since a good portion of my stories are too incriminating, I decided to share the last two hoodrat things I did.

I tend to forget that women fear walking alone late at night. I understand it, but at the same time can't help but get offended when a woman steps aside to let me walk in front of her. I know she's being cautious, but again, I can't help but think this chick thinks I'm suspect. So I'm walking into my building around 7 P.M. last week when this girl in front of me turns around, slows down and then let's me walk in front of her. So I step inside, get my keys out and open the building's front door. It turns out that the chick didn't live there. She was probably just visiting a friend or something. So right when she was about to come in behind me, I closed the door on her and kept it moving. Sorry! I just had to do it.

On another note, I think I've told you guys that I'm the unofficial fastest man in the world when missing public transportation. As previously mentioned, put a MTA train or Bus at the finish line and I could probably beat Usain Bolt. It's true. I so happened to see Mr. Bolt at an NBA Live party late last year. So I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, gave him a dead ass look and told him, "I run faster than you." He gave me this "you crazy" look. Pffttt! Don't sleep.

Time to come clean now. What's the last hood rat thing you've done?

Do You Know When Somebody Likes You?

2009-03-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure you guys saw He's Not That Into You, but a good portion of the film's characters were pretty much illiterate when it came to reading the opposite sex.

But I can't really knock them, I'm personally clueless when it comes to women allegedly liking me. I've never been too good at coming out my face, so I usually make sure it's spelled out rather than assume. Unless the girl tells me I L-I-K-E Y-O-U, I'm thinking she must be a nice person, nothing else. If she smiles, she's prolly showing off her teeth. If she flirts, maybe she's practicing. If I smile at you, I may actually be laughing cause you have a booger dangling off your nose.

For the record, finding someone attractive and liking them are two entirely different things. If you hear me say, "shorty's bad," please refrain from offering any wingman/wingwoman assistance. It's probably just a compliment. If it's anything deeper, I'd rather take care of it myself anyway. I remember recent instances in which my female friends claimed, "that girl likes you." I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. My boy Mark said, "there's chicks that think they're ill with the subliminals, when they're blatant.Then there's chicks that are ill with the subliminals and there's blatant ass chicks." Signs aren't always successfully read or communicated.

Taking the last few years into consideration, I usually never suspect the women who turn out to show interest. It almost always blindsides me. Like, you like me? Really? One in particular comes to mind. I never would have known. Hey, I have an idea. Let's play a game. If you like somebody, just tell him/her for a change. Who knows, maybe they like you too? It's happened to me a lot in the past. Now imagine if neither of us said anything. They would have ended up with some interior scarf-wearing douche bags.

Do you guys know when someone likes you? If so, what are the signs? If they haven't verbally expressed it, how can you be certain? Now if you excuse me, I have to log off and not follow my own advice.

Fashionable People Can't Dress...

2009-02-26T19:08:00.000-08:00

Taz Arnold...

Most of you guys already know about my anti-fancy ways.

Here's some advice. If we're hanging out, don't waste your time pointing out this hot trendy [insert obscure supposed to be cool brand here] so so is wearing. I could give a fack! When it comes to clothes, I keeps it pretty simple. Jeans, sneakers, timbs, button down (or up) shirts, polos, sweaters and cardigans. No fur, no pink, no purple, no fuchsia, no turquoise, no lime green, no yellow, no extra zippers, strings or pockets. I like it nice and plain.

That probably doesn't make me too fashionable, let alone trendy, though. And that's just fine, cause so called "fashionable" people always seem to have some weird crap on to me. I remember back when Eve was considered somewhat of a fashionista. I never quite understood what the fuss was about. Look at Kanye. Dude pretty much looks like a moron nowadays and don't even get me started on Taz Arnold. That dude could be the absolute W.O.A.T (worst of all time) when it comes to clothes. He's at least bottom 5 dead or alive. I think everybody pretty much think they're fly, though. I guess they wouldn't wear the damn things if they didn't like them.

Taz Arnold...

But there are some good dressers out there. I won't be no homo-ing about this, but as much as he gets on my nerves, Puffy wears the hell out of a white T. He's a great dresser. Jamie Foxx and Will Smith are fly too. As for the fly women, there are just too many to name. I don't think one stands out in particular, though.

What do you guys think? Who are some of the flyest folks out there.

Here's The Sureshot Way To Win An Oscar...

2009-02-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

Phillipe Pettit...

I know many of you probably think the Oscars are long and boring, but I didn't mind last night's show for some reason.

I watched the entire event without touching the remote much and actually laughed a few times. Tina Fey and Steve Martin killed it, I loved Phillipe Pettit, the French guy balancing his Oscar on his chin and loved anything involving a Slumdog Millionaire win or performance. Mumbai stand up! I did notice three patterns, though. If some of you are aspiring thespians and hope to deliver an acceptance speech one day, I think I have a few suggestions.

Play Gay: Sean Penn won Best Actor for playing a fa'nook, not that there's anything wrong with that, last night. Heath Ledger and Jake Gylenhall were nominated for Brokeback Mountain, Greg Kinnear for As Good As It Gets and Tom Hanks won for playing a gay guy in Philadelphia a while back. I've never seen Capote, but judging from the clips I've seen I'm thinking he was gay and Phillipe Seymour Hoffman won for that. Play gay, you'll win, if not you'll get nominated.

Play Real: Folks also seem to win or get nominated for portraying real people. Sean Penn (Milk), Jamie Foxx (Ray), Will Smith (Ali & The Pursuit Of Happyness), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Forest Whitaker (The Last King Of Scotland), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line), etc, etc.

Don't Speak English: Or don't be American. At least in this day and age. Kate Winslet won Best Actress, she's from the UK. Penelope Cruz won Best Supporting Actress, she can't speak English. Ledger's Australian. Off the top, Sean Penn may have been the only American to win something last night. Don't even get me started on all the other winners. Most of them bordeline needed interpretors. Last year Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men), Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton) Marion Cottilard (Mome La) and Daniel Day Lewis (There Will Be Blood) won top honors. That's one Spaniard, a French and two Brits, respectively. By the way, the Brits are just killing the game right now.

I initially was gonna add "Don't Be Black," but it's been better for us the last few years. Taraji P. Henson and Viola Davis were nominated this year. I think they give us one or two nods here and there now just to shut us up. But we still have a shot if we play a real person like Jamie Foxx and Forest Whitaker did.

Dating In The Recession...Not A Good Look

2009-02-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

For some reason these layoffs never cease to shock me.

I mean, I always anticipate more blood, but then I hear about so and so getting let go and it's like, DAMN! It even happened today. I've kinda come to terms with the climate, though. At this point, the only thing we can do is do our jobs and save for rainy days. I myself have turned into Super Scrooge in the past month.

I've cut down on going out and I pretty much bring my lunch into work everyday. I'm no Top Chef, but I have been cooking rather than eating out. I also try to keep my fridge full, so there aren't any late night snack trips to the store anymore. Plus I have this thing where I go to the ATM every Sunday, take out $20 and force myself to live on the Andrew Jackson through the week. It's actually not that hard. But with all this cutting back, dating's hardly been a priority.

Me and the homie Ans over at nakedwithsockson.com were just talking about it earlier today. The thing is, I don't think any of us wanna stop dating just because the economy's in the crapper. I mean, catching a movie here and there ain't too costly, but then you don't really get to talk. And unless we're talking jump offs, ain't no way the first date's gonna take place at your crib. On one hand, I'm thinking the climate will force us to come up with more creative dates, which will surely please the romantic types. On the flip side, I'm sure some chicks don't give a flying fack about your pockets and will be expecting the customary dinner and a movie, movie and drinks, drinks and dinner or whatever guys do nowadays. I'm not saying dinner's out of the question, I'm saying it's just isn't a good look for it to happen too often. That stuff piles up, you know? I personally may have to start putting my job perks to use.

What about you fellers? Has the recession changed your dating habits? If so, how so? Ladies, what's your take on this. If things keep up any longer I may start posting less relationship-related content on here. I won't have anywhere to draw inspiration from.

You Can't Be That Busy...

2009-02-17T19:44:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty lazy in some regards, so one of my favorite things to do is absolutely nothing.

You guys will never understand the satisfaction I get by staying home and watch movies, surf the internet for hours or just stare at the walls. I just love it. I'd love to be able to respond, "nothing" whenever folks ask me what I'm doing, but I can't. For some reason, people think being busy is cool. I guess they think free time makes them look like losers or something, like they have no life.

Being busy is like a bragging right now, it's not even a complaint anymore. Well, let me be the first to tell some of you, ya'll can't be that busy. And this doesn't only apply to romantic rapports, I get the feeling some dudes purposely respond slowly to create the "I'm busy" effect, which is pretty gay if you ask me, not that there's anything wrong with that. Granted, the phone isn't always next to us and you could also be in the bathroom, on a plane, at the movies, sleeping, in class, at work, on the train, on the phone, reading my blog, etc, etc. They could also be multitexting. There are exceptions of course. But I've seen people just look through text messages, put the phone down and then start typing away later. Let's be clear, I'm talking after work hours here. I'll be the first ignore your ass if I'm overwhelmed with work. Then again, if I'm not busy there's a good chance I'm deliberately ignoring you too.

In my case, I'm pretty frequent distracted, so if I'm off and I don't quickly respond, just blame it on the ADD. Other than that, I don't care how it makes me look, if I see the text, I hit you right back. Now, I admit that I've gotten caught up in the game before. Some of my homies and I had similar experiences a while back. The girls we were talking to would take the longest to text back, so we'd play right along and take lengthy breaks between texts. Pretty lame I know. My gut tells me we simply weren't option no.1, but who knows. I'm the wrong one to play the game, though. I'll mess around and stop texting all together. The funny thing is, once you start ignoring slow texters, next thing you know they're double texting you like, "why are you ignoring me?" which proves they were playing a game in the first place. I snapped out of it, though. You hit me, I hit you back. No thirst involved, that's just how it should be. I wish I could plead for those kind of games to stop, but I'd be wasting keystrokes.

What about you guys? Ever been through a similar situation? And don't tell me I should just call instead of texting. I'm too busy for that. :)

I'm Kinda Antisocial

2009-02-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

You wouldn't be able to tell by seeing me interacting with people I already know, but I can be kind of antisocial.

It's not that I dislike people in general, sometimes I just don't wanna pause my iPod (especially not Erykah Badu) for an awkward conversation. I think it's a comfort thing. I don't feel like having to think about my next sentence. It isn't unusual for me to see someone I know and keep it moving cause I'm in the middle of listening to some Phill Collins. If we're cool, I'll probably go out of my way to speak to you, scream over commuters' heads to get your attention or sneak up on you to catch you off guard. Granted, I'm a space cadet, so I may have genuinely not seen you. But it's also likely that I've absolutely ignored you.

I actually go to work-related functions sometimes and take advantage of anybody who doesn't recognize me. Instead of re-introducing myself, I usually just lay low and chill. The bad thing about my antisocialism tendencies is that I've never been good at being at the receiving end of it. My thing is, I'm not asking for a full blown conversation, just acknowledge a brother, salute me, head nod or something.

There have been a few episodes in which a person, who so happens to be cool with a mutual friend of ours, totally ignores me. Since I recognized them, I expected to look familiar as well. Apparently not. My initial reaction was, man, he/she's hollywood. I get a bad vibe from that person. I do always give them the benefit of the doubt. I figured that if my peoples were their peoples, the alleged snob in question must be cool peoples. I remember asking my homie about a particular person one time. "Is he cool?" I asked. My boy actually made me realize: "Maybe he thinks you're ignoring him too." He had a point. After all, I forget faces from time to time to time to time. What's worse is that I try to act like I remember them- hoping that something will trigger my memory by the end of the conversation. So the next time I saw the person in question, I made a point to say what's up. It turns out, my greeting was welcomed. I later
eventually got cool with several other "antisocial" folks. I even had to come clean and tell them, "You know, I thought you may have been a bit funny style, but you're cool as hell. My apologies." I'll never make a fuss about being ignored ever again. Every now and then, I write something off the wall like profiling train riders and surprisingly find out some of you think the exact same way. I have a feeling, this isn't one of those blogs.

What about you guys? Do you have antisocial ways? Do you on occasion see someone and purposely ignore them. Well, I have. And I've learned my lesson. I'll probably keep ignoring people when I don't feel like interrupting my Ryan Leslie. I just won't get mad when they ignore me back.

Everybody's Haitian...Will Smith & LL Cool J Too...

2009-02-09T18:02:00.000-08:00

You "my family's not from here" people will surely appreciate this, especially Haitians.

I always tell people, there's literally a pre and post-Wyclef Haiti in the U.S. I can't stand that bloodclot Jafaikan accent of his, but at the end of the day the man wore the Haitian flag as a freaking cape at the American Music Awards...Or was it the Grammys. Forget Jean-Bertrand Aristide or Michele Pierre-Louis, Clef is our prime minister. See, before Clef Haitians used to keep their nationality on the low. Those who don't rep the flag usually get claimed anyway. Haitians are especially over the top with the draft. The second your name easily translates into french, you're one of us.

I grew up thinking all types of people were Haitian...like Big Daddy Kane. Come to find out his real name is Antonio Hardy...Not so much. To this day my brother says Ralph Tresvant is Haitian (well, he is from Boston) and you done know we claim Sydney Poitier, but he's actually bahamian. But here's the punchline. Not too long ago, I went to get a cut and my barber was babbling about Will Smith and Danny Glover being haitian. Listen, I'm an unapologetic Will Smith stan. I even have a separate Will Smith, Spike Lee and Eddie Murphy DVD section at the crib. But there's no way Will is Haitian. I appreciate everything Danny Glover has done for Haiti, but dude is American.

The funny thing is they don't always claim my ass. I usually get mistaken for being Trini or Jamaican. The OGs always know, though. They just run up on me and start speaking creole. This dude came up to me one time and started telling me all about how LL Cool J is Haitian. Another Haitian Smith? Usher is apparently one of us, but I don't claim him. Not until I hear it from the man himself. Here's a list of confirmed and alleged Haitians.

PS: Until I hear Usher acknowledge it with my own ears, his Haitian descent is just a rumor.

Confirmed: Wyclef Jean, Garcelle Beauvais, Dave from De La Soul, Chopper from Making The Band (Fack!), Pastor Troy, Jacki-O, Lela Rochon, Maxwell, W.E.B. Dubois, Jamie Hector, Tony Yayo, Gary Dourdan, DJ Whoo Kid, Mario Elie, Samuel Dalembert, etc.

Alleged Haitians: Rick Ross (Don't believe wikipedia. I asked him my damn self and he said no. YES!), Ralph Tresvant, Lauryn Hill, Usher, DJ Paul aka Paul Bauregard of Three Six Mafia, (I aksed him. He said no.) Sydney Poitier, Lil Wayne, Any Person With A French Sounding Name Or A First Name As A Last Name...

"25 Random Things I Don't Wanna Know About Yo Ass...

2009-02-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know who started this, but there's this new thing on facebook where people tag you in a note and tell you 25 things about themselves. Phillies won!

Apparently, whoever gets tagged is supposed to follow up with a list of their own. It's like one of them chain letters, minus the threatening repercussions like, "Your internets won't work for seven days" if you don't reply and tag the person who sent it to you. Dude, true story...I got home last night and my AIM wouldn't work. I initially thought, "Damn you facebook," but it turns out I had to install a mandatory update on my AIM. Phew!

But not seriously, I've had a hard time reading through those 25 things thingies. I only made it through two of them. Maybe it's the ADD. I couldn't help but think, "25?" Don't let the blog fool you, it's actually pretty surface, so my initial thinking was, "scratch that, I don't want them to know five things about me let alone 25." But since I'm on the economic plan, meaning I've been staying home watching marathons of Inside The Actors Studio which allowed me to spend only $20 last week and I don't want my cable to go out, I decide to hop on this facebook trend and list 25 Random Things I Want You To Know About Me.

25. I woke up this morning, took a piss and washed my hands...

24. I also brushed my teeth.

23. Colgate Whitening > Aquafresh

22. I'm Djimon Honson black...(Thanks a lot Mex)

21. I'm haitian and haitians are black. Take that you penguin ass looking Toccarra!

20. Wyclef is NOT my cousin

19. I like Paula Patton

18. I met Paula Patton

17. I took a picture with Paula Patton

16. I like Kim Kardashian

15.I met Kim Kardashian

14. I took a picture with Kim Kardashian

13. Lauren London too...

12. " "

11. " "

Lauren London & Djimon Honson...

10. If I can get Maia Campbell off crack and get her to move in with me, Mark can have Freida Pinto. NOT!

9. I could have saved Lauryn Hill.

8. [Scratches head looking for more items]

7. I'll karate kid kick your dragon fly jones ass!

6. I walk fast.

5. You probably walk slow.

4. R.I.P. Pimp C

3. "CHUCH! TABARNACLE, BETCH!"

2. I used to hate my name cause I thought it was too generic. Instead, I wanted to be called John, Joe or Mike. Go figure!

1. My name is Carl.

Hurry up and do yours before something bad happens.

Look Me In The Eye When I'm Talking To You...

2009-01-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

I always thought I was one of those folks who looked people in the eye when I talked to them.

I mean, depending on the situation of course. Guys, as homophobic as we are seem to have some kinda of defense mechanism when we talk to one another: three sentences, look away, two sentences, look up, one sentence look down, look in the eye, then stare away. Where else you think all that damn blinking comes from?

As far as I'm concerned, I tend to lock eyes longer when talking to women, especially if there's some sort of interest. I guess you're trying to read the person, so you look dead in their pupil. But locking eyes doesn't seem to be as important when the interest isn't there. There seems to be an on and off switch when it comes to grilling and I've seen it flipped many times. Like, I could be talking to a female about something and go a long stretch without breaking eye contact and then...Poof! They look away. It's like they can't look someone in the eye more than a few minutes without breaking.Some people just aren't too comfortable with eye contact. So my I've gotten into the habit of looking away periodically just make convos more comfortable. Then again, maybe I watch too much Seinfeld.

Get this, though. Me and my friend Aishah were talking the other day and she pointed out that I don't look her in the eyes when I talk to her. The thing is, she's comfortable with eye contact and isn't shy, so the periodical drift wasn't needed in this case. The thing is, I just couldn't stop looking during the conversation even when I tried to focus. It's like the look away has become a reflex...That or it's just another part of my alleged ADD. Let me beat you to the punch, here. At least one of you are thinking, "Carl is prolly just shy around her cause he likes her on the low." The thing is, she's chocolate and we all know I only mess with light skin girls right?

Sidebar: By the way, I'm highly upset. Your constant persecution has lead to my prosecution. I freakin' got subpoenad for complexion discrimination so I have to go to trial next week. Stay tuned!

But back to eye contact. Do you find that people usually can't look you in the eye, or maybe you're the drifter? I apparently can't...Sometimes.

The Beauty Scale: Beauty & the Busted

2009-01-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

Paula Patton Thicke Chery...

Men have contributed to women's delusions of beauty as much as their insecurities.

I vividly remember riding the F train back in the Jamaica Queens days and seeing some Micky D's After Dark dweller sweating this chick on the train. She was no looker, trust. In fact, she was pretty busted. Like, way below average. The thing is, she had A Phat Arssss! You swore I was watching a thriller the way I sat back, stared and refused to look away.

As busted as she was, shorty was feeling herself and totally ignored dude's "courting." Feeling rejected, the dude proceeded to, what else, insult her. "Damn, miss! I know I'm ugly, but you're ugly too." He was dead on. Momentarily breaking from my "I don't know you so I mind my business" ways, I offered some words of funkydom.

Carl: Dude, if you thought she was busted, you should have left her alone.

Dude: I know, son. I know.

Carl: Shorty's busted, but she's running around thinking she's bad cause dudes are gassing her up.

Dude: You right, son.

Pftttt! This douchehole probably tried the same thing with the next girl the second I got off the train. Now, I'm not saying women or men for that matter shouldn't be confident and have high self-esteem. But don't just tell a girl you don't think is pretty she is just because she got a bubble and all you really wanna do is grab it. That just ain't right.

I know I'm a killjoy, but it's fun for me. I'm pretty petty, picky and particular. [Blogger's Note: If anybody knows a gym where I can box against Mark, holler! We've been cyber feuding over Freida Pinto. Hey Mark, Shotgun!!!] But yeah, some folks refer to women they find attractive as cute no matter what. Me and Sam please say the Ed were just debating on this. A woman can be considered bad whether she's cute, pretty or gorgeous. Bad references the whole package, face, body, sex appeal, sense of style, etc. We did disagree on Keri Hilson, though. While I find her to be a low end cutie, Sam Ed considers her high-end— a bad one. I pretty much go by the quasi universal scale...Cute > Pretty > Beautiful...Sexiness not included, strictly faces.

New York...

Ugly/Busted/Hurt: Facially challenged. Rating: 0-4 Wifeability: 5%...Men are monsters. As previously mentioned, a donky goes a long way. Plus, Yeezy said it best: "Henny make girls look like Halle Berry to me." Under the wrong influence, dudes may do what they have to do and not tell their friends about it.

Michelle Williams...

Average/Aight/Cool/Ok: Ehhhhhh! Rating: 5-6 Wifeability: 50%...Beauty is subjective of course. Depending on the beholder, an average looking woman can be perceived as cute or ugly.

Amerie...

Cute: This is when grades get curved. Again, we all have different standards. One man's cutie is the next man's gorgeous. Pretty girls sometimes fall under cute when too young looking. Rating: 7-8 Wifeability: 80%...Must wife if she has it all together.

Lauren London...

Pretty: A certain je ne sais quoi sets them apart from the cuties. Teeth, eyes, skin tone, whatever. Rating: 8.5-9 Wifeability: 90%Unless she's crazy, you better wife it.

Beautiful/Gorgeous: Dime! Top of the food chain. Near flawlessness in some cases. Rating: 9.5 Wifeability: 95%...Wife it even if she's crazy. Well, maybe not. Still, gorgeous women get away with murder, mainly ditzism, imbecility and bitchiness.

Notice, even dimes don't get the 10. There's no such thing as perfection, but there is a penthouse. Every now and then you see a woman and just can't get over how good she looks. See Paula Patton Chery. She's like extra gorgeous— breath taking, but no need to add an additional marker. As far as sexiness, it doesn't always go hand in hand with good looks so I didn't bother. Go ahead and share your thoughts in the comment section. Now, I know better than to ask you ladies where you think you fall on the scale. You'll prolly pull a "Do You Think You're Funny" blog and all say you're gorgeous. Hey! I respect it! And compliments are great. Just know you don't need a damn man to make you feel that way.

PS: Don't take these blogs too seriously, 'cause I sure don't.

The Drunken Scale: Stages Of Intoxication...

2009-01-26T19:39:00.000-08:00

People never like to admit being drunk for some reason.

I don’t get it. If I'm plastered, I'm plastered. It’s not embarrassing until you dance on tables or puke on the dance floor. I swear, people be throwing up, wiping the dinner off their mouths and disclaiming, “I’m not drunk, I’m not drunk.” So, since I had nothing better to do, I thought I’d create a Drunken Scale complete with symptoms to determine when we can no longer claim sobriety. Here we go.

Buzzed: Senses aren’t impaired yet. Liquor has clearly infiltrated the system, but not enough to have completely breached sobriety. One or two drinks away from .08 blood/alcohol level depending on the weight. Symptoms: None: Throwupability: 1%...Unless, it’s indigestion-related, throwing up is practically impossible.

Tipsy/Nice/Right: Senses slightly impaired, yet intoxication still invisible to the naked eye. Symptoms: Gratuitous smile, courage. Carl Says: The tipsy may approach a woman with more ease or dance more than usual. Throwupability: 20%...Still pretty likely. See Buzzed.

Drunk/Bent/Blasted/Plastered/Faded/F*ckedUp/Twisted/Hammered/Crunk/Trashed//Lit/Wasted/Shitfaced: Senses highly impaired, especially sight. Likely to mistake busted to average looking women for dime pieces. Symptoms: Brutal honesty, emotionality, delusion, slurred speech, frequent speech, nonsensical speech, bad posture, narcolepsy (aka dozing off), shamelessness, homosexual tendencies (not that there's anything wrong with that). Carl Says: The Drunk just can't shut up. Whether spilling his guts, revealing supposed secrets, reminding his friends he/she loves them or telling a new acquaintance they're cool, the Drunk just can't shut up. Also prone to bad decision making, embarrassment and kiss girls (whether man or woman). Throwupability: 50%...Depending on the person's tolerance, the number of drinks and the span in which they were consumed, likely to throw up, be hung over, suffer from a headache, or all three.

Black Out/Gone: Code red. May end up in a bath thub, face down on the toilet or a stranger's bed. Symptoms: Memory loss, schizophrenia. Carl Says: The point at which the Drunk acts totally out of character and remembers nothing of it the next morning. Throwupability: 60%...The forecast predicts intestinal precipitations.

Incapacitated/Done: Senses critically impaired. May end up in the ER with a pumped stomach. Symptoms: Unresponsive (aka can't walk, can't talk, can't move). Throwupability: 90%

This scale is pretty loose of course. I've been everything from buzzed to drunk and even blacked out back in my teens, but I rarely throw up. Never been incapacitated either. Thank God! I'm done testing my limits. Tipsy is the way to go. Just enough of a buzz to have fun and wake up sober the next day. I'm sure I forgot plenty of symptoms. Any suggestions? What point on the scale do you usually reach?

It's Not My Fault, The Recession...

2009-01-25T17:05:00.000-08:00

The last time I wrote about the recession, some of my buddies hit me up like, "dude, that blog depressed the hell out of me."

Sorry, fellers. It sure wasn't my intention. But we all know folks are losing jobs left and right. Me and a few friends were talking about it just the other day. Something has to give. Pretty much everybody is expecting the economy to get worse before it gets better. Meanwhile, the cost of living is still sky high. I'm hearing the MTA is about to hike prices on their metro cards. Dude, why? There aren't any jobs out there, how we supposed to pay?

Let's be fair, here. If the economy is crumbling, the cost of living needs to be adjusted accordingly. One thing I've been saying for a little while is that landlords need to lower the rent. One of my co-workers mentioned that her lease is up this year and that the landlord already announced that he'll be raising the rent come signing time. It's not like someone else will be able to afford the darn place if your tenant opts to move. Nobody has money.

That's pretty much the tune we've been singing as of late. It's a recession! Whenever someone asks me what I'm doing for the weekend, I usually reply, "I'm staying in. It's a recession." It's actually turning into a great excuse. I figure I might as well turn the recession into something positive. It's now my new excuse for pretty much everything whether it's money related or not. For instance, if I choose not to drink during a night out, it's a recession. Sorry I didn't call you back, it's a recession. I'm still wearing the same white on white Air Force Ones I bought last summer, it's a recession. Sorry I'm late, I missed my train. The Phillies won, the Eagles lost. It's a recession. It's a recession. Seven Pounds sucked. It must be the recession.

How To Approach A Woman 101...

2009-01-21T18:37:00.000-08:00

Don't get it twisted, I'm not getting on here with the pretense of putting on a clinic or giving any pointers. To each his own, really.

Aside from inferior attempts like, "Damn, girl! You look good and shit," I'm thinking any mean of introduction is fair game. I'm also wondering how important the approach is. Per most women I know, good looking guys get away with a whole lot. Not to say they can just be reckless and still expect good results, but he isn't forced to keep his game in tip-top shape like the more average looking feller.

As I've mentioned before, I personally don't believe in game. I think any type of line is just about the corniest way to make a first impression...Unless you're a woman. Women just be so slick in their approach. We ought to learn a thing or three from them. But hey, that's just my take on lines. I'm sure the common poultry loves her some Dolomite, which is probably why I can't stand these pelicans and woodpeckers. I've noticed that I'm usually unable to recall my approach whenever I first meet women. It's like I black out or something. I may have said this before, but if I keep reminding my boy, "shorty is kinda bad" ten minutes after first noticing her, chances are it's not gonna happen. It means I'm thinking too much. I'm pretty likely to go over there and say something stupid, so I just call it a day.

If it's to go down, you're more likely to turn around and see me talking to a shorty. And don't ask me what I did, I couldn't even tell you. I just sleepwalk over there and talk. I don't believe in game, but I do believe in laughs. I usually get overly silly, so much so that I at times catch myself thinking, "what the f are you talking about?" I remember striking a conversation with this girl a while back. It all started with her complimenting the Polo.

The Girl: I like your shirt.

Carl: Thanks! I like your face.

The Girl: [Laughs]

I said it so fast I kinda caught myself off guard, like...What? And no Farrah, she wasn't laughing at, but with me. Don't try to jab on here and text me later, punk! :) My apologies if you guys had to witness a little family dispute just now. It will happen again. In any event, I always find it interesting to learn about other dudes' approach. Some of my homegirls have actually told me about my homies trying to kick it to them. Let's just say their tactics were interesting to say the least.

Fellers, I'm curious to know what you usually do when it's crunch time. Ladies, what about you? If you're not the type to step forward, what kind of introduction are you used to hearing?

Classic Movies I've Never Seen

2009-01-20T19:28:00.000-08:00

My friends and I watched the Steelers Vs. Ravens game at this spot in the city this past Sunday.

The funny thing is, we barely got to see any of the game, we were just too wrapped up in our conversations. Aside from discussing prime meeting locations, we talked about our favorite movies and sitcoms of all time. You already know mine: Seindfeld. Surprisingly, one of my boys told me he had never seen an episode of Seinfeld ever.

As much as I love the show, I can't really knock him. Everybody Loves Raymond isn't as popular, but it had a great run and I've never seen a complete episode. My big sis bought me the DVD for Christmas so I guess I'll soon be crossing Ray off my list. But it got me thinking about legendary shows and classic movies I've never seen before.

I've never seen Titanic. I actually did so purposely. I was still in my teens at the time of its theater release and it was advertised as pretty much the greatest love story ever. My macho side kicked in and I refused to see. It showed on TV years later, but I never bothered watching it. It's kinda crazy, cause I'm sort of a movie buff, but never bothered seeing some of the top grossing movies of all time. Aside from Titanic, I've never seen E.T., Jurrasic Park, any of the Shreks, any of the Lord of the Rings and all Harry Potters except the first ones. E.T. was recently on HBO on Demand and I just didn't feel like watching it for some reason. As for Lord and Harry, I just never got into it, but do want to see them. I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but that's about it off the top.

What about you guys? Any obvious TV shows of classic movies you've never seen?

Clubs Are The Best Places To Meet Women...

2009-01-19T19:22:00.001-08:00

My dating life's pretty much been the same the past few years.

I meet girls, but hardly ever become interested no matter what. Of course, I take full responsibility. I just seem to always find something wrong with the prospects. Not to say I'm God's gift to women, far from it. Compatibility just isn't something I take too lightly, so I get even more particular when it comes to romance. I initially didn't think I was to blame for meeting the same woman over and over. After all, I have absolutely no control over meeting Harlem women in both the city and Brooklyn. It just seemed to happen that way. But the thing is, I always seem to meet them at parties, bars or clubs whenever I do go. Frankly, I'm sick of it. But where else am I supposed to meet someone really?

Folks refuse to acknowlege the club as a legitimate meeting ground, but it makes our lives that much easier. At this point, most of us have it down to a science. We know what to do, what to say and when to say it. It just doesn't apply anywhere else. An overwhelming amount of women I've spoken to over the years have co-signed the train as an acceptable approach location. The first step doesn't seem like an easy one, though. Commuters are pretty anti-social to begin with, so it seems like any approach requires some kind of interruption, which just feels rude and just isn't a good look. Like, shorty is listening to her iPod and you cut in for a commercial break.

I've also heard of coffee shops and book stores. But again, what's the approach? Is that decaff? I heard this book sucks? Perhaps? As for work, it's out of the question for me. I mean, some of my co-workers have found love, married or have kids, but I just couldn't picture myself getting involved with a co-worker. It's sort of a rule of mine. Then again, if Freida Pinto was to be my new co-worker, I'd probably try to break it quick fast.

I actually think college was the best place and time to meet people. But seriously, I don't think the club is the best spot to meet women, I just think it's the easiest. The thing is, whether people admit it or not, a large part of going out is to meet people. It's part of the agenda. My friend also mentioned bars and lounges, but what makes them any better than clubs? I think clubs are dissmissed because if it works out, nobody wants to say, "Yea, I met my wife at Mansion. I seen her shaking her ass, so I jumped behind her. It was love at first hump." Plus the club is just more of a fooling around type of scene. The train or book stores just sound better. What I like about the book store is that the hook up has to just happen...At least in my opinion. Like, s0mething has to spark the conversation rather than one of the two, intentionally starting it.

Anyway, where do you guys usually meet people? Ladies, is there such a thing as a bad place? Fellers, how do you usually approach a woman? Now if you excuse me, I'm heading to Barnes & Noble.

My Girl Ain't Even Black, White Or Latina...

2009-01-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

Freida Pinto...

I've mentioned playing in the snow before, but it's never bee too serious.

Besides this one bunny I dated for two weeks back in the day, I've never had a white girlfriend. I've met all types of women, but always went black when it came to wifin' it up. Well, I love the sistahs, but I think I'm ready for something new...an Indian woman that is. Have any of you seen Slumdog Millionaire? By the way, Slumdog came out in '08 and I hadn't seen it when I wrote my movie of the year post. That being said Slumdog Millionaire >>>>>The Dark Knight.

But yeah...I went to see the flick with my homie Jesus and his wife last Friday. I don't want to spoil the movie, but I can understand Dev Patel's character (Jamal) being so enamored with lead actress Freida Pinto. Ask Jesus, I couldn't stop talking about her after the movie. Now that I think about it, that's why I lost all them Wii games and got my ass whooped at NBA Live, I just couldn't focus. Yeah, I think that's it.

I even called Reagan Gomez-Preston and told her it was over between us. Man, that Freida is kinds of beautifuls, plural. She isn't too curvy, but I'm a faceman and her visage is so gorgeous I could care less about her alleged 27-20-27 measurements. Since she's one of 2008's breakout stars, I'd have no problem being a stay home dad. After all, I got plenty of practice with Reagan's kid. But this time, we'd have babies of our own. Man, we'd make some beautiful little video girls...Maybe a quarter back too, the first Indian-Haitian professional football player perhaps?

Indian girls usually don't mess with us black negras, but the good thing is she probably hasn't been that Americanized growing up in Mumbai. Mark, stay away from her...That goes for you too, rappers!

If I Was On Twitter (Don't Twitter Just To Twitt, You Twit!)

2009-01-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I am on twitter...Finally! Better late than never.

I joined twitter roughly a month ago after succumbing to peer pressure. At first I didn't really know what to make of it, so I'd say stuff nobody gives a fart about like, "I'm taking a dump right now" while trying to figure it out. It seemed pretty dull at first, but I now find it to be a pretty fun tool. For those of you who aren't familiar with twitter, it's (displayed on the upper right corner) some sort of social networking thingy where you can follow people's every move, pretty similar to facebook's "What are you doing right now," but in an on going capacity. To follow someone is the myspace or facebook equivalent to being their friend. You can only be updated on people's moves if you follow them and people can't know what you're doing unless they follow you. So, as you can imagine, people who follow you may take offense that you aren't following them.

To keep it funky, I'm combing my "following" list as we speak to un-follow a few folks. My co-worker, Gang Starr Girl said it best. People on the internet think they're stars. Someone's left elbow could be featured in a clip and they'll twitter it (or is it tweet?) and try to get some attention off it. I'm just now starting to clock in more twittime, but was somehow listed among 100 people to follow on twitter in a recent The Rap-Up Entry. They had me listed among bloggers. First off, I'm not a blogger, I just post a lot. Secondly, big up to Rizoh. I appreciate the love, but I don't think congrats are in order or anything. That list was the last thing some of the featured twitterers needed.

I personally love twitter's web of conversations, or when folks post interesting links. It's one thing when celebrities like Shaq overtwitter. After all, we're obsessed with celebs. How else would you explain TMZ? But the average twitterer needs to stop acting like we care if he goes to the freakin' bathroom. Forgive me for being so anal, pause, I just can't help it. These non-important people acting importants are quickly turning me into a twitter bully. It's making me get on my own nerves. That's how much it's bothering me. Forgive me, but I'll have to take some of my pals for example. Earlier today, one of my boys twittered: "I'm in DMV Hell" to which I responded, "Shut up, dude! We don't care." Now, had Shaq been at the DMV, that would have made for an interesting twit. You and me, not so much. Going through twitter today, I saw people quote songs we've already heard(what's the point?), get their reverend run on with some baththub ass proverbs, details on what they had for lunch or sharing that they're brushing their teeth, scratching their asses or watching TV...Dude! Phillies won and the Eagles beat the Giant last week. Don't twitt just to twitt, you twit. Silence is underrated.

I know I'm no fun and being a ball buster here, but I can't help it, so stop acting important, cause your followers are laughing behind your back as we speak. And don't act like you don't care, we know you do.

Is It Cool To Date Your Boy's Ex?

2009-01-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none.

I can't front, I take pride in my wingman skills. If there's one thing I brag about, it's being the self-proclaimed wingman G.O.A.T. I've set most of my friends up on a platter at least once and I always complain about the lack of reciprocity (minus one exception). I even hooked up a close friend with a girl I briefly dated back in my teens. I know it may sound foul, but we only dated for two months and developped little to absolutely no feelings for one another. There was no history there. Plus, the hook up actually took place years later. Me and my boy weren't pals back when me and shorty dated, so it wasn't premeditated. He inquired about a shorty he met from around my way and it turns out I dated her briefly, so I offered my assistance.

That was then, though. I'd never do it now. I don't look at any chicks my dudes talk to and I'd appreciate it if they did the same. Now, some of my boys who shall remain nameless clearly feel different. They can see me talk to a girl one day, bump into her the next and ask for updates. If the rapport doesn't seem to be progressing fast enough for their taste, they ask for my blessing to pursue something. Vultures! I mean, we're human and some of my homies have been with some bad ones, but I just wouldn't allow myself to go there. Unless we somehow become rich and famous. I already told me friends. If Paula Patton dumps my friend and tells me she wants me a few months later, tough luck, Jack. I'm wifing that. The same goes for Mel B. and two handful of others. But seriously, I'm pretty strict about it, but where is the line drawn. How close of a friend do you have to be? Can exceptions be made?

A friend of mine recently came to me with an interesting dilemma. He was contemplating hooking up with this girl who had previously been intimate with his friend's friend. Mind you, friend circles collide every now and then, so they had definitely hung out together in the past. But it's not like the were buddy buddies. He also wasn't the aggressor. She approached him, but does that really make a difference.

What do you guys think? Is there a loophole? Or can't we talk to anybody who knows somebody we know, period?

Who's Going To D.C. For Inauguration

2009-01-07T18:38:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama's upcoming inauguration is likely to go down as the most contradictory day ever.

On one hand, it's the day many think black folks shall finally overcome- officially crowning a black man as the leader of the free world. It doesn't get much more progressive than that. On the flip side, loads of folks will be doing the stanky leg at unofficial inauguration after parties. Let's be clear, I love black people, but I can't stand niggers. And D.C. is likely to be a damn zoo on the days leading to inauguration- lots of poultry and folks acting a monkey...Picture Memorial Day in Miami, the Super Bowl and NBA All-Star Weekend². It will be niggorant. They're reportedly expecting 4 million people.

Word is Jay-Z will be performing and you already know Diddy's tap dancing ass will be there. I doubt they'll be part of any official festivities, but they'll be there. I'm not sure all of you are aware of it, but reports say Puff, Hov and other celebrities were told to stay away from Obama's election festivities in Chicago back in November. I'm thinking they didn't wanna take chances with any hip-hop affiliation after Ludacris' Hillary and McCain disses somehow came back to bite Barack during the presidential race. Let's face it, Obama owes a lot to the youth vote, which hip-hop is a big part of, but why can't it just be about exercising your right and doing something you should have done years ago. Frankly, I'm irritated at the thought of all these rappers trying to front like they're so cool with Barack. We don't have to hip-hopify everything. No need to call him a hip-hop president or nickname him Obeezy. That's the last thing he needs.

On another note, I just can't believe Martin Luther King Day fell a day before Inauguration Day. You just can't make that stuff up. Awwwww, man! Black folks will be calling in sick and coming in late that Wednesday. It may seem like it, but I'm not mad at folks heading to D.C. I understand their need to witness history- to be able to tell their kids they were close when the first black president was inaugurated. Shoot! Should the opportunity come my way at the 11th hour, I would ponder going. I'm just amazed at the irony- one giant step forward and perhaps some steps back.

So, who's going? Whatever you do, please just don't get arrested.

Was This Year Bad For You Too?

2008-12-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna sit here and bitch about '08. It's cold out there, but things could be way worse for me personally.

I've been there and I'm not trying to go back. I'm actually scouring my brain as we speak and can't really think of anything negative about '08 besides the economy, so I thought I'd list a few things and see where there's room for improvement in '09.

Health: I got unusually sick in '07, but '08 was much better. I pretty much feel like I'm gonna die whenever I have a stomach ache or need my inhaler, so I had a few scares, but nothing too scary.

FUN: Man, I've been having the time of my life these past few years. From partying to jusst having convos with the homies, it's been great. I'm hoping the new year brings more.

Love Life: I didn't date much this year, but had a lot of...errrrhhh, I guess female interaction would be appropriate. Obviously, I'm still single, so my love life wasn't all that great, but I got to hang with some quality gals for a change. Unfortunately, I have the wt.o.a.t (worst timing of all time) so I should be blogging about poultry for a while longer.

Financial/Job: The career and finances continued to upgrade this year. God willing I'll be good money for '09.

I can't think of anything else. If I'm healthy, having fun and have enough money to pay bills, then I'm happy. What about you guys? How was your year? Can't wait for it to be over?

Santa Claus Is A Douchebag...And A Pervert

2008-12-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

I wish you guys were with me Saturday afternoon, cause there's no way I'll ever be able to accurately describe what went down.

The L train has never been so rowdy. I was on there trying to write a little something via blackberry on the way home, but couldn't focus because some high school kids were louder than usual. I tried my best to ignore it at first, but then I noticed some old dude acting a monkey in front of the kids. The primate in question was some old dude wearing a Santa hat. The guy was walking around the train playing christmas carols with his hypeman taking requests. The craziest thing was that I don't even think he was playing for money. Dude was just being messy, playing way off key and mumbling some nonsense.

Just when I thought the circus closed and tried going back to my business, I heard some loud screams. Imagine my surprise when I saw Santa Douche pressing up on the kids -demanding a kiss from one of the girls. It was nuts! One in particular was borderline laughing and crying. The scene was a damn mess. Santa was going up and down the car playing Sax while his hypeman filmed him. At one point, he even gave this little girl his camera so she could film the scene. To top it all off, I asked this weirdo sitting next to me what was wrong with Santa and noticed that she had a gum ring. Yes! You've heard right, her gum, meaning the tissue that surrounds the necks of teeth and covers the alveolar parts of the jaws, had a freaking piercing in it.

Anyway, don't ever trust a grown man with a Santa hat and don't let your kids sit on their lap either. It's just too close to his saxophone.

What's The Best Movie Of 2008?

2008-12-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

The Dark Knight

Since the year's coming to an end, I thought I'd revisit some of its best and worse moments this week.

One of the year's worse moments, at least on an entertainment level, was the death of Heath Ledger back in February. I wrote a post at the time predicting that The Dark Knight would be the year's biggest film. Well, not only was it the year's top grossing film, for my money (not much), it's also the year's best.

One of my initial concerns upon hearing that Ledger was to incarnate the Joker was his lack of resemblance to the legendary DC Comics vilain. On the flip side, Jack Nicholson, who played the Joker in 1989's Batman, actually looked the part. I remember hearing early reports on Ledger's performance and thinking he couldn't possibly match Jack, but he arguably did an even better job. They may as well have killed the Joker off, because no actor on earth will ever be able to follow in Heath and Jack's footsteps. It'll be blasphemous if he doesn't nab the first Oscar nomination (and wins) for portraying a superhero.

Though he became the main draw, Ledger isn't solely responsible for Knight's success. The flick was pretty immaculate safe for two things: Batman's corny ass voice and Maggie Gylenhall. As much as I despise Kirsten Dunst, who thank the lord is rumored to not be featured in Spider-Man 4, Gynlenhall has to be the wackest superhero girlfriend ever. There's no way this chick would have two dudes, let alone a billionaire and successful lawyer, fighting over her. It's just un-believable. At least they killed her off. If Dunst makes it to Spidey 4, I hope she gets 86'd by Karnage or something.

As much as I loved Knight, Best Movie billing is always up for debate. I noticed something, though. My movie diet pretty much consisted of action flicks and comedies this year, no No Country For Old Men here. I dug Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Step Brothers, Iron Man, Hancock (do I need to pause that?) and Wanted just to name a few, nothing too deep. What do you guys think? What was your favorite flick of the year? I hear Slum Dog Millionaire is dope. Any suggestions?

Girly Guys: The Feminization Of Straight Men

2008-12-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how often chicks fall out with one another.

Every now and then, I bump into an old co-worker or college buddy and ask about their homegirl only to find out they're "not cool anymore." It's pretty common. To let some women tell it, other chicks are catty, trifling, sneaky and dishonest backstabbers so they'd rather hang with dudes. Not to say dudes never snake one another, it just doesn't happen as much...For now.

Hearing my homegirls vent on the guys they've been dating, girly dudes are becoming quite trendy. I'm not talking about wardrobe, like... wearing scarves inside, but behavior. So if this keeps up I doubt girls will wanna hang out with men who act like chicks if they can't stand estrogen in the first place. So, after consulting a few homegals, I thought I'd list several ways men are becoming girlier.

GOSSIP: There's a fine line between gossip and back talk. Let's face it, we all talk behind people's backs (minus my boys EP and Roberto), but gossipers are plain nosy. They run with information whether it's confirmed or not -often spreading rumors in the process. For instance, my girl (friend) went to a function with her platonic friend (who so happens to like her) not too long ago. To make a long story short, her friend's acquaintance tried to holler unsucessfully. Next thing you know, the platonic friend confronted my homegirl on some, "I heard you gave so and so your number." Sounds like a pathological gossiper to me. A) Dude wasn't even there when his boy tried to holler. B) He got his information from a third party. C) He chose to run with unconfirmed info rather than check with my homie first.

HE SAY, HE DID: This is definitely an extension of gossiping. It's like romantic snitching. A man should never tell another man's business to get out of the dog house or make himself look better. That's one of the foundations of the G Code (Guy Code). I myself got wind of some stiletto ass negros I barely know spreading my business earlier this year. If the gossip wasn't straight out fabricated, it undoubtedly was reported based on third party information. That is so high pitch!

SIDEBAR: Be on the lookout. Sam please say the Ed and I are currently working on a short film entitled, The G Code starring the original Bedford Boys, Dallas Penn, Mark Lelinwalla and others.

TMI: There comes a point in a relationship where girls don't wait for you to ask about their day and just go in. They'll talk about getting their nails done, going to the spa and a bunch of crap dudes don't give damn about. But we know better, so we listen. Guys ask each other about their day too. We say, what up, what's new, what's the latest, what's good, etc, etc. But I'll be darned if some dude just starts telling me about his day without me asking him the deal. Example:

[Guys walks up to me and shakes my hand]

Guy: Yeah, this morning I woke up, yawned then took a shower, ate breakfast, went to the bookstore...

[I look at Guy crazy]

Then I called my homegirl, she didn't pick up, so I called her again. She finally picked up, so we went to lunch, had a glass of wine, it wasn't good. Then I went to the movies, it was sold out...Dude, shut up!

SHE DIDN'T CALL: This one is hilarious. It's pretty bad on my part, but I guess I got too much pride to be that girly. If a chick I really like doesn't call me back, I'll just take the L. Ain't no way I'm gonna call her whining like, "Why didn't you call me back?"

One of my homegirls interestingly told me dudes acting like girls is nothing new. Maybe I've just been noticing it more lately. I'm not gonna type here and act like I'm not a culprit myself. I'm petty and that's pretty girly. Other than that, I'm pretty scruffy. So, did I forget anything? Ladies, care to share some girly things your dates or boyfriends tend to do? I would have mentioned starting arguments, but dudes will bring up the topic with no ill intentions and the girl will take it there. But I'm sure you ladies beg to differ.

Do You Think You're Funny?

2008-12-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

You know, LOL rules apply to real time comedy...At least in my opinion.

If I don't literally laugh out loud, it's not funny. Unfortunately, comedy is subjective, so there are folks out there who inexplicably think Seinfeld isn't any good, let alone consider it the G.O.A.T of sitcoms as I do. And then, there are folks who don't have a single funny bone, but annoyingly persist in cracking flat jokes. There's nothing worse than an unfunny person who laughs at their own jokes. FYI: If you have to remind me, 'I'm funny," you probably aren't that comical.

I hate to pull the gender card, but women especially like to claim comedian. Not to say dudes don't, but girls I know-with a few exceptions of course- always wanna claim funny. See, it comes down to percentages like anything else. Hit one out of three baseballs, you'll definitely make the majors. Hit two jumpers out of five, you might could make the NBA. But one or even two out of five good jokes, not funny.

I guess this is a trick question really. You ever seen Dave Chappelle or Eddie Murphy say, "I'm funny?" Dudes can have the hugest egos, or be straight divas, but they're interestingly pretty humble about calling themselves funny. So, with that said. Do you think you're funny?

Michelle Obama Vs. Jessica Biel...

2008-12-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

I usually have a specific point in mind when blogging, but bear with me here.
I'm still figuring this out as I go along, so it's moreso me searching for answers rather than taking a stance and then opening the floor like I usually do.

See, I always say I don't discriminate, but on second thought, I do. Sure, I've played in the snow before, but in retrospect, I always did because I had no other options. I won't go into specifics, but I remember having the option to "date" a black chick and a white chick at one time. The black chick was cute, but she wasn't screen saver material or anything. The white chick pretty much had her beat in every category (buttocks included), but I still leaned on the black girl just because.

Given the same scenario today, I'm not sure I'd come to the same conclusion. My boy Cash sent me photo of Jessica Biel (posted above) earlier today and it ruined my day. I found myself incapable of closing the window. Per our ASSymetric system, Biel is a 38. Special, but we may need to revise her caliber. Man, I'd love to take her to the gun range.

In any event, I got on AIM and started sharing God's work with a few of my friends. Then I sent it to a female friend of mine and joked that Jessica Biel was the future and that black women were in trouble if the average white chick started looking like her. Shoot! Professional athletes have been dating surf boards for years, if Biel became the norm, regular dudes may just start deffecting in increasing numbers. My friend had an interesting response, though. To let her tell it, black women shouldn't feel threatened because brothers were now looking for Michelle Obamas. Is that so?

I mean, pretty much every dude I know said they'd rather be nailing Sarah Palin than Obama, so I'm not convinced by my friend's claim. Sure, Palin's perceived as more of a jump off, but she's getting picked nonetheless. Barack's election is clearly gonna change the way black men are perceived. Allow me to be pedestrian once again. I'm thinking less black women are likely to contract jungle fever now. On the flip side, white women and any other ethnicities for that matter, probably have "birth mixed baby" in their one-year plans now.

But what about Michelle, what kind of impact is she making? I think an Essence editor recently wrote something about Michelle having a positive impact on the way black women will view themselves from now on. That's not the point my friend was making, though. She was saying that Michelle Obama types, (educated, intelligent, classy) are becoming more desirable to black men. Pardon the pessimism, but I don't think so. Dudes aren't about to switch from airheads to Michelles cause she's the first lady. Preferences will likely remain the same. Now, as much as I'd love to handle that 38., I honestly don't see myself going there. You know I just be talking junk. But let a NBA player get to pick between a Michelle and a Jessica Biel type? Do you think he's less likely to pick Jessica than he was before?

Black Friday Is Dangerous...

2008-11-30T19:09:00.000-08:00

Not to generalize, but some of us black folks' financial priorities are pretty screwed up.

I've always been an impulsive shopper. Back in college I had a 40 inch white gold chain, but no car and no money in the bank. That's as dumb as it gets. Though I'm still somewhat impulsive, minus my Nike ID obsession over the past summer, the impulse never reaches red. I just had a relapse, though.

I had no intention on taking part in Black Friday until I bumped into my boy O on the train a few days prior. Apparently, Modells was selling the classic tan Timberlands with 50% off between 5 A.M. And 12 P.M. I'm long overdue on a Timbo re-up, so I figured I'd go and cop two pairs. Unfortunately, they didn't have any size 16 left...All right, all right! That's not my size. But since I put a buck and change aside for the Timbs, I somehow convinced myself to spend the doe on something else.

So I wandered into Banana Republic and they had 40% on sweaters and outerwear, among other things. They didn't have anything I liked, though, so I went to J Crew right across the street. I picked out a few reduced items only to find out there was a 30% sale off the discounted price. So, if a sweater was initially $79.99 and was later dropped to $59.99, you ended up copping it for $42. Good deal!

Next thing you know I'm in Circuit City losing my damn brain. I saw NBA 2K9 for $6.99. I was so unstable, I almost bought it and I don't even have a Playstation. I almost escaped without spending a dime, but then I saw Superbad on sale for $6. I look left and see this bucket with a bunch of Entourage seasons for only $14. Mind you, the TV DVDs usually run $40 to $50 depending on the season. They didn't have too many left, though, so I got in position and started boxing this Asian chick out. My old basketball coaches would have been proud. Thankfully, I copped me a few seasons and left without going to Macy's. I just don't think I could have survived that trip.

In the end, I spend a few extra dollars, but didn't go overboard. It was a close call, though. What about you guys? Bought anything? Went overboard?

Can Barack Obama Hail A Cab For Me?

2008-11-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

Yes he can. I mean, I always send my light skinted friends to hail the cab, so I have no doubt Barack Obama can get one to stop.

Unless it's a tough area, my friends usually get a cab to stop within minutes. But I remember failing to get a cab for nearly an hour on a cold February or March night earlier this year. Obama had just come off an impressive primary win over Hillary Clinton and I couldn't help but think: "We may have a black president soon, but my black ass still can't catch no cab." Well, since it isn't cold yet. I'm bout to stand in the middle of Broadway and try to catch me a high yellow car just because. And I'll purposely do so when I have abso-freakin-lutely nowhere to go. And if a cabbie so happens to stop and asks me where I'm going, I'll simply reply, "Nowhere! I was just checking" before lifting my first up and adding, "OBAMA!"

But seriously, now that he's won, it's just gonna be interesting to see the dynamic between ethnicities, especially in a city as cosmopolitain as New York. As I've mentioned before, my neighborhood is mainly comprised of eastern europeans, a little bit of latinos (good looks on them votes, yo) and me, the black dude. So I'm trying to catch some shuteye last night and some drunken wigger kids are up playing sloppy basketball and screaming what else, "Obama!" This morning I drop my trash off and walk into what appears to be the tail end of a political conversation. This republiCAIN looking dude says something to the effect of, "It's a day like any other day" before getting his whispering on when he sees me. Minutes later, I come face-first with this older Russian dude who couldn't help but stare and give me the "I can't believe you niggers did it" look. I swear, dude looked like he wanted to Jesse Jackson my nuts, pause. Moments later, I'm on the train with my Obama newspapers and the vibe was different. Some just awkwardly looked away, others acted like I just graduated and gave me the "you must be proud" look.

What about you guys? What was the vibe like when you went to work this morning. I can live what happened today. It's no biggie. I just hope it doesn't get worse.

PS: It's no time for you negras to pull out folding chairs and start acting a monkey. It's really on now. And by the way, blaming the man is gonna be a tricky thing to do, so I suggest you get off your ass and do something. And don't think police ain't finna still shoot yo black ass neither.

What's The Big Deal About Dimples Anyway?

2008-11-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

There are a few things that really get me hooked on a woman's pretty face: eyes, lips and teeth.

As previously mentioned...brown eyes> every other color. There are exceptions, but for the most part, I don't care for green and blue joints much. It's just too fancy for me and ya'll know I ain't into no fancy stuff. I like for eyes to be slanted, lips to be full and shapely (not just two mattresses) and teeth to be well mannered (not stepping on one another).

I probably should, but I never really pay attention to eyebrows. Let's not get it twisted, though. I'm not with unibrows and baldibrows. You know what I don't care for, though? Dimples! It's like freakin' dents. Big deal! Like, I don't understand why someone would point dimples out on the same level they do nice eyes. Mind you, I should love them since they're appreciated. I allegedly have dimples. At least, so I'm told. Phillies won!

The thing is, I have cheeks, pause, but not dimples. Actually I'm starting to second guess whether I know what the damn things are. I think I would know if I had holes in my cheeks,PAUSE². The bottom line is, having or not having dimples doesn't make you look better or worse. It's not like crazy eyes or disrespectul teeth.

What do you guys think? Anybody likes dimples? If so, what is it about them? What's the appeal?

Is She Pregnant, Or Just Sloppy?

2008-11-02T17:56:00.000-08:00

I love how folks on the train are scared to look at one another.

We look at the promotional posters a million times over, look through the windows, stare at the floor, analyze somebody's sneakers, but we just won't look at one another. It's like an unwritten rule or something. So I'm on the train obeying the law earlier this week, being a space cadet when some chick's ass rudely brings me down to earth. You know I'm a face man, so I stretch my neck a bit to see who the ass belongs to. But before I even get to the face I notice this pouch just poking out of the girl's shirt.

The thing is, I couldn't figure out if she was pregnant, or sloppy. If she was preggers, I surely would have given her my seat. I mean, I would have waited a few minutes hoping somebody else gave it up first, but I would have given her my spot if necessary. I thought about just getting up and offering it to her just in case, but then again, why should I give up my seat cause this chick's Ballys membership expired? So like five minutes go by and nobody's budging, so I'm thinking this chick just likes to eat before going to bed a lot. The chick was also not wearing a jacket. I mean, she was holding it in her hand. I know we were indoors, but that jsut doesn't strike me ass preggers-ish.

The shape of her belly wasn't too prenant-like either. But what do me and a bunch of train commuters know? But here's what sealed the deal. There was a lady with a stroller right in front of her and she barely acknowleged it. Pregnant women, at least the ones who have accepted their conditions, just light up whenever they see babies. But this chick just glanced at it with a screw face and moved on. I'm thinking this chick is expecting nothing but food. Mind you she was standing up. Imagine how her joint would have looked sitting down. Damn it! I hope she was just sloppy.

The Phillies Owe Me Money...

2008-10-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

Phillies won!

No, really. I'm just not not giving a fruck about something. The Philadelphia Phillies are the world champions of Major League Baseball. And here's why they owe me money. If you read this blog, you may have noticed that I seem to say, "Phillies won" pretty randomly. As I explained earlier this summer, the saying is just another way to say you don't give a damn. Again, allow me to demonstrate.

Douche Bag: Carl, I get more girls than you.

Me: Phillies won!

The crazy thing is I probably couldn't have partook in the saying a few years back. Growing up, the Mets and the Expos were my teams. Shoot! I still remember going to my first game at Shae Stadium. It got rained out, though. But I fell out of love with baseball, so...Phillies won! I wish I could take credit for the saying, but Stewie from Family Guy is the originator. I wish I could take credit for introducing it to regular convos, but my boy Hobbs did. I sure will take credit for spreading the hell out of it, though. I also take partial credit for the Phillies winning the World Series.

I was looking at the standings earlier this summer and noticed that they were in first place. Me and the fellers used the saying so much, we were speaking it into existence for the Phillies. We were just putting great energy, Ruffian and a couple of my other homies be handsomely compensated. So next time one of ya'll see Jimmy Rollins tell him he better have my money.

Seriously, I better get a free hat or a Mike Schmidt jersey or something. And by the way, never ever try to counter Phillies won with the Mets lost, or Astros won. It just doesn't work.

Are Men Scared Of Short-Hair Women?

2008-10-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

I've never had a problem with short hair.

It's basically like anything else. Some women can pull it off and some can't. I've even seen some gorgeous women with very light ceasars. In their cases, though, their features were pretty flawless, so it worked. I wouldn't advise a woman with a rather large chin and nose to get a Julius. Then again, to each his/her own.

I actually prefer short hair on certain women. Halle Berry, as far as I'm concerned, looks that much better with the shorter do. And while Nia Long looked incredible with the long locks in Love Jones, I think I like her better with the shorter style. Still, us men sort of fear short hair. This girl I liked back in high school had hair down to her back. I remember her pondering on whether or not to drastically cut it. I supported her decision, but deep down I was worried that she may just not be able to pull it off. Sure enough, she did. Mind you, I like short hair, but I somehow wasn't too crazy about the short hair idea. I got sorta nervous.

On the flip side, some men just aren't attracted to short-hair women. I remember debating about this particular short-hair gal with one of my homies not too long ago. We both agreed that she had a cute face, was a great dresser and a great body. Still, my boy just couldn't get past the cut. "I just don't like her hair, though," he confessed.

I'm starting to think men are somewhat uncomfortable with havin longer hair then women, at least the brothers who don't have braids. Shoot! I pretty much had longer hair than all the women I dated during my cornrows stage, even the ones with long hair. My hair wasn't even that long. It was down to my shoulders. But I digress. A friend of mine recently told me that her guy pal strongly advised against cutting her hair. "Nooooo. Have you lost your mind," the guy friend said. Funny how some of us won't tolerate short hair, but then poke fun at the sistahs for having weaves.

Fellers, what do you say? Is my friend's friend a minority? Do we like short hair? If we don't, then why? I dare any man to tell me Halle isn't gorgeous with a short do.

I hope She Doesn't Pick Up...

2008-10-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

Everytime I think I'm revealing something a little off, you guys jump in the comment section to let me know you're experiencing something similar.

Well, I could be onto something else. You ever called someone and hope they didn't pick up? It doesn't even have to be a dating type of setting. I personally don't like to avoid people (I think I just lied), but I'm also too much of a punk to just say, "Listen, I really don't feel like talking to you right now and I probably won't feel like it tomorrow or the day after." I know. It's messed up. But I'm just being honest.

Here's a scenario. You haven't talked to this guy/girl in maybe a month and you bump into him/her at a party. Here's the thing, if you have to remind yourself to call somebody, you should probably just give up on the idea. And here's another thing. In this particular scenario, she/he always calls. You, never do. Sometimes it's hard to pin point why you aren't phone-friendly. You just aren't. So it goes a little something like this...

Carl's Friend: Ayo! There goes Vicky over there!

Me: Where? [ Dives behind couch]

***5 Minutes Later***

Vicky: [Taps on my shoulder]

Me: Hhheyyyyyy!

Vicky: How you been?

Me: [Looking all over the place] I've been good.

Vicky: You look nice.

Me: Thanks!

Vicky: What you been up to?

Me: Mostly work. It's been crazy.

Vicky: How long has it been?

Me: I don't know. A long time?

Vicky: Well, it's so nice to see you. We should hang out.

Me: Y...yeah!

What a punk! Since I hurt myself diving the first time, I make it my business to call. That way, the next time you see him/her, you can be like, "I called you." So you call and borderline have your fingers crossed for him/her not to pick up as the phone is ringing. If he/she doesn't, you're good. He/she can call back later, but it doesn't matter. You called once and can pretty much milk it. The next time you see him/her, you just turn the tables and be like, "I called you, but you didn't pick up."

So, am I finally off, or have you guys ever felt the same way?

I Love Black People, But I Can't Stand Niggers...

2008-10-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

I say this every now and then when I see black folks acting a monkey. And I do so unapolegetically.

Some of you may have noticed that I don't use the N-word. I may quote it, playfully say negro or negra, but I don't actually use it. I don't think I deserve a cookie or anything. That's just me. The thing is, I've been called that word in its integral context one too many times to consider it a term of endearment. I must have been 6 or 7 when it first happened. Mind you, I was insulted by my peers, which is pretty sad when you think about it. It's scary to think that kids know to use such a powerful slur at such an early age.

If it wasn't the N-word, I got asked some of the dumbest questions you couldn't imagine. This white girl once asked me if my Dick Johnson was also black like the rest of my body, numerous kids have asked me if I wish I was white. The list goes on. Some were genuinely racist, but others just didn't know any better. After all, some folks' only glimpse into the Black experience comes from rappers, black actors, athletes and the freaking news paper. Not always the best look. I'm telling you, if it's not one thing, it's another.This guy in High School used to ask me why I didn't walk with a limp. He was a pure wigger. At times, it's as if he thought he was blacker than me. His reference? Why, the TV and a couple of rap videos of course.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Young Afro-Americans depicted in the media are the black men's poster children worldwide. So there's a chance the only black kid in an Australian, Canadian or French (or even some parts of the U.S.) school is expected to walk with a limp, talk loud, carry a gun, dance well, speak badly, etc. etc. Hell! They expect you to do that in New York City. But having been through something similar, I despise stereotypes to this day. That may just be the only instance in which I'll use the N-word. To point out some niggeRs.

Before going any further, I must stress how beautiful my black folks are. There's nothing like being around black folks feeling it in church, or to see my people celebrating at a wedding. Perhaps one of the most incredible experience I had was college graduation. I remember walking and seeing every black person look at me and nod. They didn't know me from a hole in the wall, but the look on their face and the nod said it all. They were proud of me. It was an incredible feeling.

I love black people, but I can't stand niggers. There's this thing I have a hard time explaining. Ignorant niggers have this look in their eyes when they're talking shit. Notice I'm not censoring myself as I usually do. So these ignorant niggers be talking shit with a stare so blank you'd swear they're cross-eyed. My homie Jayson sent me a clip earlier today that had me shaking my head in shame. The clip could be old, but that's not the point. It features these dudes "battling" in what could be the projects. The lead niggorant character keeps referring to the area as Tha Carter (not the New Jack City building). Perhaps some of you are familiar with it. I don't know why they were trying to battle, cause they clearly weren't rappers. Here's an excerpt from the main dude.

"Fuck all the talkin', he's tryin' to do that nice guy shit/You come to The Carter, you gon leave with your life and shit/I keep a bad bitch sucking on my dick and shit/You got a problem, I will fuck you up, word to my momma and shit" -Niggorant Dude

What the hell is he talking about? First off, grouped together, "and shit" are the most two useless words in the english language. There's no need for me to say, "I'm writing a blog and shit." The point is already made by "blog," so no need to add "and shit." Anyway, take a look at the clip and watch how niggorant it gets.

I swear, I take this stuff personal. Like, it pisses me off. But let's be honest. There isn't much I can do. Still, I love black people, but I can't stand niggers.

I Keep Meeting The Same Girl Over And Over...

2008-10-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

I tend to meet the same type of women.

Unfortunately, it may say a lot about me and since I'm poultry prone, I guess I should be ashamed of myself. Good thing I always walk around with my inhaler. But there always seems to be a pattern with the women I meet. For instance, every single woman I've met in the past month has either been from Harlem or The Bronx. I won't give you a number, but it's enough to be an interesting coincidence. Mind you, I mostly hang out in Brooklyn, but I still meet chicks from up there. I guess it won't do me much good since I hate going past 60th street.

But I seem to always go through phases. At one point, every woman I met had a man. I went through two patterns during my College/Red Lobster days. At one point, I kept meeting girls from Long Island University. Before that, it was single Haitian mothers from Canarsie up in Brooklyn. That's a pretty specific pattern.

As a teenager, I went through a long ass Melanie phase. The encounters were pretty spaced out, but I met an insane amount of Melanies at the time. Actually, the ex I mentioned in last night's blog was a Melanie. And of course, I've met my share of pelicans, ostriches, doves, swans, ducks, canaries and woodpeckers over the years. Atchoo!

What about you guys? Do you seem to always run into a particular type? Any patterns? I'm waiting on my Paula Patton look-a-like phase. Fingers crossed.

I'm Over My Ex, But...

2008-10-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

This happened to me a while back, but my homie brought it up not too long ago.

"Has one of your exes ever gotten married?" he asked. "It messes with your head," I immediately replied. His thoughts exactly. A few years back, my sister told me one of my ex girlfriends stopped by her job and revealed her engagement to some dude. I was happy for her, but it felt a bit weird.

At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. It's not that I wasn't over her. I mean, looking back at the relationship, I made bad decisions, but my mindset has changed since then. I was the breaker, so it wasn't about feeling replaced by the next man. I think I was going through more of a "what if" moment. What if I didn't break up with her? We may have been married by now. Kids? Who knows. Maybe it's a reminder of a path you nearly escaped or missed out on depending on your current page. That feeling is long gone now.

On the flip side, another ex of mine told me some dude she was seeing for only a few months proposed, last year. Only this time, I didn't start pondering on lost possibilities. Perhaps because in this instance, the only bad decision I made was to not break up with her earlier. We weren't even on good terms when she broke the news. Still, I wished her the best and kept it moving. But women being women, she later shared her discontent with me being happy for her rather than jealous. Sidebar: They never got married.

Other than that, this girl I used to mess with now has a daughter. We never were in an actual relationship, but the time frame between her getting pregnant and us fooling around was somewhat close. So that kinda hit me. When they found out, my boys Ed and Fred started teasing me about the kid being mine. But before you jump on their bandwagon, know we never had any close calls so...

What about you guys? Ever learned about an ex getting married, having kids and being like, "Damn!" Why do we care what our 5, 7 year-old exes do?

That Barack Obama Got A Mean Jab...

2008-10-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

I just rushed home from the gym to catch the Final Presidential Debate on CNN.

Thankfully, there's still an hour to go. I know how critical this election is, but I can't help but analyze the interaction between Barack Obama and John McCain with a superficial eye. I must say, McCain is looking just horrible. I mean, not only does he look like a cheap Halloween mask, he's just a horrible debater in my opinion.

First off, why does he blink so much? I swear, I think his old ass is dozing off and keeps flapping them lashes to hide deadly fatigue. I'm waiting on his neck to lean sideways any minute. Secondly, why is McCain so mad? I mean, look at him. He's just standing there boiling, just about a question away from physically stepping to Obama. The pressure must be tremendous, but dude just isn't showing composure. He visibly gets frustrated at Obama's responses, tries to chime in out-of-turn and keeps...Oh shoot! I think he neck just sagged.

On the flip side, Obama is just so calm and collected. While McCain's blinking away, Obama is just sitting there calmly shaking his head, smiling and slowly waiting his turn. That's when the jab comes in. At one point, McCain kept complaining about his feelings being hurt about an allegation made by a Democratic Congressman. Obama subtly jabbed McCain, saying something like, "I don't think the country cares about our feelings being hurt, they're concerned about how we're gonna fix the economy." Slick! He played him. Sorry for breaking down politics to such a pedestrian level. I just couldn't help it.

Anyway, I need to get back. But it'll be over by the time you guys read this. What are you guys thinking? How did the two candidates look in the debates?

Is Anybody Else Scared?

2008-10-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start, man.

I just took a few days off from the job. I haven't taken a freakin' day off this whole year, so I needed some time to just chill. I went to my sister's house in La Terriere. It's a nice little quiet spot up in Quebec, Canada. Those of you who like nature would love it. It's pretty secluded from everything else, nothing around but trees and stuff. It's the perfect getaway spot. Well, almost. I'm allergic to something in the area. Apparently, my body only functions well where pollution and rodents are omnipresent. Anyway, her man built the freakin' house from scratch. Quite impressive! I just basically slept and played with my nieces and nephews the entire weekend.

I got away, but the blackberry always a reminder of what's waiting at home. I found out that one of my homies got laid off. Firings just seem to be happening at an alarming rate right now. I mean, it's to be expected. We apparently haven't seen the worst of the recession. You just can't help but feel horrible when it happens, though. It makes folks appreciate crappy jobs they complain about. At least you got a damn job.

Time off also means you usually eat a little less healthy. Well, I always eat a little less healthy. My lack of discipline doesn't help either, but I'm working on it. I came back home to a few wake-up calls. I bumped into my super this morning. He's in a wheelchair now. He's been in and out of the hospital for some time, but something happened with his right leg, so they had to cut it off. I'm watching Entourage earlier tonight and Allen, a reccuring character on the show, died of a heart attack. I logged online just about an hour ago to learn about a 19-year-old Ranger prospect dying of a heart attack. He was 19 freakin' years old.

I mean, deaths come in threes. We'll sadly be hearing about somebody else a few weeks from now. It just feels like scary times, though. Maybe it's just me, but I'll rather be safe than sorry. I gotta get back on that tredmill on a more consistent basis, even if it means running into liberated fa'nooks, not that there's anything wrong with that, in the gym locker room. On top of that, I gotta finish my veggies and leave that damn Ice Cream Sandwich Ice Cream from Edy's, alone. Hibernation season is upon me too. I'm going to Jackson's party this week. I'm sure I'll be wearing my Average Joe outfit somewhere for Hollyween, but now is a time for moderation. It's time to save some safety pennies and get familiar with my living room just in case. Hopefully, I'm not just talking junk. Is anybody else scared?

Don't Run Up On Me, You Might Get Kimbo Sliced....

2008-10-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me already know this. I pretty much live in my own world.

I stroll around walking into walls. Walk nose-deep into a magazine and actually stop at red lights and intersections with my head still down, pause. Every now and then I read about pedestrians being killed by curb-jumping cars and try to snap out of it. But a few days later, it's back to my old ways.

I remember being on the phone with my boy Mark while somebody got shot about 30 feet from me at the laundromat. I didn't panic. But that's actually a bad thing. I just stood there and actually started walking towards the victim. SMH! It loosely went a little something like this.

[Gunshots!]

[Screams!]

Me[To Mark]: Something is going on on the block. I see these two dudes running.

[Me [Slowly Walking]: Dude! I think somebody just got shot.

[Me [Walking closer to the action]: Oh shoot! Somebody did get shot. Let me call you back.

I stayed around the scene for a minute, reminded myself that I need to be more alert and again went back to my old habits a few days later. But I need to snap out of it once and for all. I need to be like this guy. The homie Maurice Garland just sent me this clip of this kid promptly decking some goof who tried to scare him by popping out of a dumpster. Dude! No hesitation. He punched him in the mask and immediately put his guard up. Incredible! See for yourself.

Never Suprise a Blackman - Comedy (Real Funny) - I dont know

I probably would have turned around, looked at him and then resumed the interview. How do you guys think you'd react to a similar scenario?

Songs I Love, But Can't Sing Along To...

2008-10-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hall & Oates...

I swear I must burn calories when I clean out my apartment.

I was scrubbing, dusting and sweeping earlier this week and had Hall & Oates, Michael McDonald, Phill Collins, Madonna, Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston blaring out the speakers. [Blogger's Note: I just realized Houston is the only non-white artist I just listed.] I really get into it when cleaning. I'm Sheryl Crow two-stepping, making up silly moves and singing out loud. I'm performing, man. At least until the wrong (right) song comes on.

Whitney Houston...

So my Whitney Houston segment is nearing its end when "I'm Every Woman" comes on. I loves that song. Much respect due to Chaka Khan, but I think it's one of the rare instances where the remake surpassed the original. It's an incredible song, an incredible song I can't sing along to. Well, at least the intro, the chorus and the outro. "I'm every woman, it's all in me." Picture me singing that.

But wait, there are many more. Remember Karyn White's "Superwoman?" Incredible! But it just wouldn't make sense coming from me.

Early every morning

I put breakfast on your table

And make sure that your coffee

Has its sugar and cream

So far, so good. I look like a woman's dream man cooking her breakfast and stuff.

Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly

Yeaaaah, girl! I cooks a mean omelette. I is nasty with spatula.

All that's missing is that morning kiss

That you used to greet me

Now you say the juice is sour
It used to be so sweet
And I can't help, but to wonder
If your talking about me

Ok! I think the juice part may need a pause coming from me, but the rest still works.

She then goes on, "I have my pride, I will no cry. But it's making me weak" before declaring, "I'm not your superwoman." That just doesn't work for me. I mean, it really isn't that serious. But it's kinda funny that I turn mute whenever that part comes on. I may skip gender specific lyrics, but I've shower sung along a few women empowerment singles. I remember hitting the Heart Of The City concert with Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige. MJB went into her classics and we just lost it. I'm looking around and every dude, me and my homies included, are singing along to "Not Gon Cry." It was nuts. The funny thing is we ended up reciting borderline male bashing songs. Oh well!

Maybe some of you girls think Khia's too nasty to sing along to "My Neck, My Back." Then again, maybe some of ya'll are trying to send a message. Is there any song you love, but just can't sing along to? It may not be for content reason. To this day, I can't remember CL Smooth's lyrics on "They Reminisce Over You." I don't know why. I love that song and heard it a million times, but I just know a little bit of it. What about you guys?

Can A Man Find Another Man Attractive (Pause)?

2008-10-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

Duh! That's why there's seemingly more fa'nooks than straight dudes nowadays. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Shoot! More girls for the rest of us.

But I'm talking about a straight man finding another man attractive. So, the same girl who asked me about the freakin Hills, asked me if I had any cute friends the other day."No clue," I responded shrugging my shoulders. "Girls say girls are pretty all the time, why can't you guys say it," she countered. "Well, actually guys say girls are pretty all the time too," I replied. I knew what she meant, though. Dude, I really think she was serious. Like, she was really waiting for an explanation. I think she still may be waiting as we speak.

As homophobic as some of us dudes can be, there are always settings in which we're more comfortable complimenting or receiving compliments from other men. For instance, it's no issue coming from our pops, uncles, brothers, cousins or even some close (gotta pause) friends, but that's just about where it stops. Like, you could be seeing your cousin for the first time in a while and tell him, "You're looking good, man." Like, it's appropriate in certain scenarios, but becomes questionable when it's a bit too random. It's not like running around calling dudes cute or anything. I went out for my boy Sam please say the Ed's birthday not too long ago and this dude at the bar told me, "Yo! I'm straight as fuck, but you a good looking dude." It kinda bothered me at first, but dude didn't seem too fa'nooky, (not that there's anything wrong with that) so that's probably why I stayed calm. He was clearly a humping-everything-that-moves hoe chasing type, so I just brushed it off. He started introducing me to all types of pelicans, so I think he wanted us to tag team on some fried chicken.

See, for the most part, men (me included) will never admit it, but we do know when another man's attractive, or not. We just won't say it. We'll call a friend a pretty boy. That's an indirect way of acknowledging his good looks. If a female friend brings up another man's good looks, we may say, "I can't front" or "yea, he's doing his thing." Mind you, how in the hell is a man doing his thing. We're discussing looks, here. But keeping it vague keeps us comfortable, so that's what we do. We'll call a man ugly, which means we must know what a good looking man is by default. For example, I remember being on the phone with this shorty one time and she asked me if I had any single friends. My boy, who is a cool dude, but so happens to be facially challenged, overheard the question and inquired about a potential hook-up. So when the "is he cute" question came up, I handed him the phone and let him sell himself. See, the Hills chick's friend wasn't cute, so I wasn't about to do one of my boys like that, pause. On the flip side, I'm realistic when it comes to my boys. If someone wants to get hooked up, I know which ones are likely to get the better response.That's another indicator.

Any of you fellers care to take the extreme route and disagree with my theory? What are the ladies thinking? Take it away...

Does Anybody Else Watch The Hills?

2008-10-05T17:35:00.000-07:00

Lauren Conrad(The Hills)

Some of these girly girls say the darndest things and I can't get over it.

Like, I wouldn't ask about last night's game or even bring up basketball to a girl who clearly isn't into sports. Yo! This chick recently asked me, "Do you watch The Hills?" Dude! Do I look like I watch the freakin' Hills? I mean, you never know. I'm just saying.

Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach)

Now, MTV is one of my default channels, and I admit I've unsuccessfully tried watching Laguna Beach, The Hills'predecessor, a few times. I just never made it past a few minutes. I just don't get it. Like, what the hell is going on? I mean, my sister got me hooked on Days Of Our Lives a while back and my ex hooked me on Desperate Housewives, which I still watch, but The Hills? Not so much. Sidebar: Kirsten Cavilari > Lauren Conrad.

Anyway, I've been absolutely intolerant of that show. It usually flip the channel within a few seconds. Get this, though. The chick (she was black in case you're wondering) didn't believe me when I said I didn't watch the show. ?????????????I'd understand her reasoning if I told her about my unusal TV habits beforehand, but for her to so stubbornly imply that I was a closet Hills follower was a bit odd. She also argued that The Hills wasn't a "girl" show. While I'm sure some dudes watch the show, I'm ready the bet its audience is primarily comprised of women.

For some reason, I've had a hard time escaping the show since that conversation. It seems to be on everytime I turn to MTV and it just seems like everybody and their baby mommas is talking about it. So, is the show that big? Any of you fellers watch that crap? Can somebody explain to me what the hell the show is about?

Yes! I Went Shoe Shopping At Macy*s...

2008-10-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

This blog has to be balanced. If I speak on my zero bird tolerance policy, I should also share times women had me acting way out of character.

See, I bring up Stacey Dash and Reagan Gomez jokingly, but most of you take it seriously. Sidebar: Everyday Women > Hollywood Celebrities. Anyway, there's this girl I really liked at one point. She was actually the first girl I liked in a minute. I'd go on longer lunch breaks just to meet her for a few minutes, but I liked her so it was worth it.

As macho as I can be, I'm not opposed to chick flicks. When Harry Met Sally is a freakin'classic. I may consider seeing a Tyler Perry flick for the right shorty. But shoe shopping? Uh huh! Pftttt! I don’t even go shoe shopping with my sisters. I surely would have laughed at dudes shoe shopping right until shorty asked me: "You wanna go to Macy*s with me?”

See, she said it half jokingly, and I don’t think she expected me to say yes. But I felt like seeing her, so I was with it. I won’t lie, I caught myself off guard and kinda thought, “Shoe shopping, really?” I think she knew it was out of character, so she gave me an opportunity to weasel out of it. But hey…I said I would go, so I went.

You should have seen me all paranoid and constantly scoping Macy*s' perimeter. I would purposely trail behind in case somebody saw me. That way, I could pretend I just conveniently got lost on the women’s shoes floor. I had it all covered. If I got caught, I’d just randomly yell out, “Can somebody please tell me where the freakin' Polo section is? Gosh! I can't get no help around here. Oh, what up, Mark?” I couldn’t focus when she asked for my opinion, ‘cause I was too busy looking out.

Sherri Shepperd (The View)

We even saw Sherri Shepperd from The View buying shoes there. Poor thing! She was just looking around waiting for people to recognize her. She must have known I was being paranoid. She gave me the, “What the fruck are you doing here?” look. And then it happened. I’m slowly trailing my lady friend when I suddenly see a former female co-worker. Dude, I plunged behind the couch ASAP. Ok, maybe not, but I spun around and kinda hid behind one.

Anyhow, I don’t expect the fellers to start sharing shoe shopping experiences, but I’ll ask anyway. You know, it’s not accurate to call it out of character, because if I got married or had a girlfriend, I’d definitely go shoe shopping with her (as little as possible). I mean, that’s what compromise is all about, right? You don’t necessarily go because you want to, but you want to because it makes her happy. Then when she asks you, "Did you have fun" you tell her you had a "fabulous" (pause) time. But, at the time, being that we weren’t on a Macy*s level, it was sort of out of character. So, any of you fellers gonna come clean about similar experiences? Ladies, has a guy you dated ever agreed to doing something that sort of surprised you?

Ok, now back to our regular bird ranting and pelican bashing program. :) I kid, I kid!

Decidation To The Suckers: To Trick Or Not To Trick?

2008-10-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

To trick or not to trick? That's not even a question. I don't love them hoes.

FYI. I don't call women the B-word, but I do throw H's up for a particular breed. If you go out with dudes you don't like just to get some free food, then you is an ostrich and might could be a prositute. See, this blog is all in fun, but I'm the victim of terrorist attacks in the comment section every now and then. Just last week, my friend Janee called me "cheap" for saying I'd let a woman who invited me on a "business" lunch pay for her own burger. Anslem over at Naked With Socks On, co-signed. But I recall all agreeing that whoever invites picks up the check, so I'm not sure how I ended up being criticized there. Let's be fair, here. I'm all for picking up tabs on dates and all, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. Are men supposed to pay for anything involving women regardless of the scenario? You know what. To some extent, I can't even be mad at women for expecting it. These suckers got some of ya'll spoiled.

Per my homegirls, the guys they hang out with, be it boyfriends, dates, side pieces, colleagues co-workers, or even platonic friends, always pick up the bill. But then my punk ass comes along and says no to everything suckers agree to. And that's the problem. Too many women can't stand when a man isn't sweating them, or doesn't do what she expects them to do, especially when these lollipop ass negros jump whenever a hop is requested, not required.

Marty Mcfly & Dr. Emmett Brown (Back To The Future)

My homie Kevin L. Clark always tells me "I'm too cool for school" when it comes to women. Earlier today, he told me, "You have game...You're just the Marty McFly of that shit." Sidebar: I don't believe in "game," but thanks Kev. In case some of you forgot Marty McFly is Michael J. Fox's character in the Back To The Future series. The ladies, including his moms, lovededed him, but he wasn't sweating it. Kev is onto something, though. It's not that I don't want to pay. But I'm sucker-free and never had a hard time meeting women, so why would I start dust-busting now just because? It just has to make sense to me.

I was curious to see what others thought, so I hit a few of my homies to see what their thoughts were. I would have asked Kev, but he asked a woman to pay for the tip on a date, soooooo... One of my homegirls said men pay for her everytime, even platonic friends. She explained that, while they're strictly friendly, men pay because they want "that leverage." I think I get it. It's like the guy you clearly tell you're not interested in, but he insists on taking you out. Dude is actually good company, so you guys keep hanging. And while you're on a platonic level, there is an attraction on his end, so if it was ever to go there, he has some leverage? No? The truth is, dude's intentions probably never changed. He's sticking around hoping you change your mind. He's kinda tricking actually, showing you he'll do what punks like Carl won't do for you. I personally am not looking for any leverage, so I strongly oppose the notion that I'm expected to pay for a platonic female friend. Here's a bit of the exchange my friend and I had.

Me: My boy said if me and my dude friend, pause, go bowling I'm not paying for his shoes.

My Friend: You're right.You wouldn't pay for your guy friend's shoes,
but your guy friend doesn't have boobs,doesn't smell good...

Me: So what, friend? We're friends.

My Friend: Isn't fun to just accidentally brush up against now and then
you're paying because of what a woman is.

Me: Oh hell no! Even when friends?

My friend: If u guys go out all the time, then maybe not.But if it's like someone you genuinely enjoy being around why not? It should make you feel like more of a man
to be able to pay.

Me: But we're frriiiiiiieeeeennnnnnndddddsssss!!

I then took the exchange to my dude Gooch and he just took me to church.

"We are friends. And if we so happen to fuck, then it's a friend fuck. Unless a chick has a hedge fund attached to her pussy, it ain't worth it." --Gooch

Meanwhile, my other female friend interestingly also disagreed with her counterpart. "What the fuck? You're friend is crazy...and cheap," she chimed in.

You know what? Who is being cheap, really? The dude who isn't paying for a platonic female friend who invited him to dinner, or the woman who expects him to pay? The guy who doesn't buy a perfect stranger a drink, or the girl who goes to clubs expecting men to pay for all her drinks? I’ve made no secret about my No Drinks policy. I won’t offer drinks to women I just met at a bar. I’ve actually never done it. I won’t believe a guy who tells me he has no ulterior motive for it either. Chances are, it’s their way of getting her attention, or feel she's most likely to give her number that way. You're doing to get some kind of result. Who knows? Not me. I do know some of my homegirls have gotten free drinks from dudes and then handed them to me. I got tipsy on many a sucker, pause.

What do you guys think? Careful now, fellers. You don't wanna come off as the sucker who buys dinner and drinks for a girl who doesn't like him and leaves the "date" to go to one of my boy's house. Speak on it!

Curly Hair Vs. Straight Hair...

2008-09-30T21:18:00.001-07:00

I've been meaning to do more of those. I blogged about Clean Cut Vs. Scruffy
and Short Vs. Tall Girls a while back. I was surprised at how many women preferred the scruffy look. Well, fellers, it's our turn to weigh in...sort of.

Word on the street (AKA the BET offices) was that I had a thing for light skinted girls with curly hair. I don't know where they got that from, but ask most of my curly-haired female friends and they'll tell you I prefer the straight look. I usually tell them they should straighten their hair more often. Now, don't none of you negras start giving me a hard time about being conditioned. I myself kept the curls in my long hair don't care days. I never could pull off an Ice-T look.

Anyway, most of my dude friends actually seem to love the curls, but per this article in Latina Magazine, which so happens to feature my homie Mariel and her twin sister, guys typically go for the straight locks. I personally feel like the curls just aren't for everybody. Some girls just don't rock it as well as others, be it natural curls or not. Sidebar: Girls like yesterday's topic, Reagan Gomez-Preston, just look good no matter how they rock their hair. She could be bald for all I care and still look good.

So, fellers, what's your preference? Straight hair? Curly hair? Phillies won? Ladies, for those of you who alternate between curly and straight locks. Does one particular look generate more attention?

I Don't Have A Type, But...

2008-09-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

Reagan Gomez-Preston...

I don't have a type, but this is as close as it gets. My homeboy B. Dot just sent me this and now I can't focus at work, so I just had to blog about it.

I often struggle to describe what I mean by "simple beauty," but I think this is "it." She is gorgeous, but it's not an over the top movie star beauty. She is sexy, but even with the shirt open and all, she doesn't look cheap or slutty. Plus I like short girls (she is like 5' 3") so she's right up my alley. In case some of you don't recognize Mrs. Gomez-Preston (tears), she is Zaria from The Parenthood. yup!

Forget Stacey Dash, I'll break all my rules for Reagan. I will hold her hand in public. When I told the modest bastard how fond I was of Reagan, he inquired, "even with the kid?" As I told him, I'd buy the kid a Christmas gift every month. I'll be a stay home step dad. Man, she is so bad. I would stay with her even if she's crazy. I may even consider letting her win when we go bowling. Ok, ok, my brain is fried. Take away the comment section, guys.

"Let's Do Lunch"

2008-09-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

[Blogger's note: This one is for all my industry folks, but I hope the rest of ya'll enjoy it too.]

I realized something while discussing industry dating with my homegirl earlier today. I have never we should do lunch-ed somebody. And I'm sure glad I haven't.

For the record, the following only applies to new industry acquaintances. Asking a woman you just met to lunch seems to be the new let's go out on a date (for losers). Just like let me get your business card is the old I got that girl's number (for losers). I personally don't date industry women. Some of them are pretty bad, I've had opportunities and I've been tempted, but I just don't wanna go there. It just seems like a freakin' headache. Could it be a coincidence that I don't date industry women and have yet to "innocently" tell an industry chick we should lunch? Me think not.

One one of my homegirls told me she never picked up the check after a lunch. Sounds like a dating rule to me. First they pick up the bill, next thing you know they're texting you at borderline booty call hours. And to think it all started under the pretense of a business meeting. What's wack is that some dudes seem to be purposely blurring the lines, so they can fall back and pull the business card (no pun intended) should the girl bring up boundaries. I ain't trying to holler, we just chopping it up. Something of that nature.

Take this writer I know for example. She met this DJ and eventually had lunch with him. He picked up the tab of course. Anyway, the DJ soon began texting her increasingly. It eventually got out of hand, so she told dude it was inappropriate for him to text so frequently because she was seeing somone. Now, the DJ did compliment her looks and all, bur he never made a clear play. He could easily pull a My bad, I thought we was cool. Even worse, the next time he's with the homies, he may just bad mouth shorty to save face, talking about, Yo, that girl came out her face and made it seem like I wanted to holler. We only had lunch and shit.

So ladies, have business lunches with men become dates of sorts? Take the writer for example. Having been in similar scenarios before, should she have known this case would be no different? If so, was she wrong for bringing up the relationship when she agreed to lunch that she knew may have been construed as a date in the first place? I can actually relate, though. If an industry girl invites me to lunch (her ass is definitely paying for that burger) or wants to hang out, I also won't assume she wants to date.

Well, I don't date in the industry, but I'm sure some of you do? If so, how was the experience? Would you do it again? Don't be scared. You can be anonymous. Feel free to discuss all of the above.

Nice Guys Are the Biggest Assholes (Pause)

2008-09-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm either a nice guy or an asshole, pause, depending who you ask.

The funny thing is, whoever thinks I'm a nice guy has a hard time picturing me as an asshole, pause, and vice versa. I'm actually both. I start out nice (almost) every time. But if the situation calls for it, the dickhead, pause, comes out.

Up until recently, I've been pretty quiet about it, but we've been trying to overcome a pretty tense situation at work. While most showed their frustrations, I remained poker face. With everybody seemingly having an attitude, somebody Interestingly referred to me as "bubbly." They clearly perceived me to be the nice guy. Maybe I need to stop smiling so damn much. What they didn't know is that I was about one meeting away from shoving a pencil sharpener up somebody's pooper, pause. Again, I don't show teeth when the situation calls for It. I'll be bigger penis, pause. Don't make this a piss test. I piss it out of the freakin' park.

Little do you know, I got a chance to briefly exercise my assholism at the gym last night. Well, I just did a few reps and called it a day. Me and Jesus got on two tredmills next to one another, but mine was broke. But since he only planned to warm up a bit before his session, he told me to just jump on his (pause) after he's done. Mind you, there wasn't a soul waiting for treadmills when we got there. I saw at least two machines open up while Jesus was warming up, but I just stayed put so I can chop it up with the homie. So he finally gets off and I see this alleged carpet muncher approach. "Excuse me, I was already waiting for this one," I revealed while stepping on the tred. The muncher initially didn't say anything, but quickly changed her tune when she noticed that no other machine was available.

Alleged Carpet Muncher: But people were waiting.

Me: I was waiting too. I was just standing on this tredmill.

ACM: The line is over there though. You just got here. It's common sense.

Me: Ok! This conversation is over. Mind your business.

ACM: [Charlie Brown Teacher Talks For 1 minute]

Me: Enjoy your work out.

ACM: The line was there. It's common sense.

Me: How would you know that? You don't have any common sense.

ACM: Why don't you mind your business?

Me: I've been trying to for the past five minutes, but you keep trying to talk to me.

At this point Jesus should have co-signed and told the muncher I had been waiting. But noooooooooooooo! He was too busy smirking at the exchange.

ACM: You bastard!

Me: ...

ACM: ...Motherfucka!

Me: [Sarcastically] Wow! You called me a motherfucka. Enjoy your workout. [Puts headphones in]

ACM: *@"¥€£¤{%!

Me: [Points at headphones]

ACM: [To Jesus] Tell him he's a dick wad.

I could have been a much bigger dick to her, pause, due to her adam's apple. I guess I didn't feel like really going in, pause. Then again, part of me wanted her to cross a line, so I could really cuss her out. All to say, don't sleep on nice guys. They're probably the biggest assholes.

She's Bad, But She's In A Wheelchair...

2008-09-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm mad Waiting came out before I had a chance to document my Red Lobster days in a film. I'm talking about the Red by Green Acres Mall in Valley Streams, LI by the way. It used to be world famous or something.

I've seen some things in there. I don't know what it is about shrimps and crab legs, but folks used to wait in line for up to two, three hours just to get a table during the good days. I've seen fights in the lobby, armed security guards get two-pieced and learned that one of the cooks got shot in the parking lot after his shift one night. But for all the drama, the best thing about the job was the shorties, the ones who worked there and the guests of course. It was like a freakin' club on Saturdays. The talent pool was so deep, I mostly met chicks while on the job at one point.

By the way, I was a host, not a waiter. There's no way I could have dealt with these asshole customers. I would have gotten fired quick. One of the most memorable guest I sat was actually this bad ass shorty in a wheelchair. It sounds silly, but I had never seen an attractive woman in a wheelchair before. I couldn't help but stare. She was that bad. She actually kept giving me a pretty inviting smile everytime I walked by, but I wasn't about to try and talk to her. I didn't have a car. Picture me telling her to meet me at the Jamaica Avenue train station. Besides, it just felt weird.

The funny thing is, she came back a few months later and one of the waiters claimed his man beat. Apparently, she was a jump and had been around the block a few times. Interesting! So here are the questions du jour. Every been attracted to someone in a wheelchair? Ever dated someone in a wheelchair? Would you date someone in a wheelchair, or a person with some type of handicap? True story, I remember dancing with a girl who had one hand a few years back. The thing is, I didn't notice until later. We were cracking jokes later in the evening when my hand brushed against hers. I momentarily froze, but then got right back to the jokes so she wouldn't feel bad. We actually became cool. That's just about the closest I came to dating someone with some sort of disability. I wonder what part of the block the Red Lobster shorty is on now.

If I Was Anslem Samuel...

2008-09-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Hungry "Anslem" Samuel...

First off, if Anslem looked like me, he'd prolly get a lot more hoes, so keeping up with his fast would be the least of his worries. I kid. I kid.

But seriously, if you're not familiar with Anslem, he's one of my co-workers at XXL Magazine. He's also featured in my Funky Blog Roll under nakedwithsockson.com. A little over two weeks ago, Ans announced he'd be fasting for 30 days. Phillies won! To make a long story even longer (Anslem loves to do that), the Naked one, pause, cannot eat, pause, drink water, chew gum or have sex as he fasts for an entire month. I may be getting the details screwed up, so [click here] for accuracy. To make the experience more "epic" as he likes to say, he challenged himself to write 90 blogs in 30 days.

Really? It just can't be that serious. I don't like blogging that freakin' much. I only post entries when they write themselves. So, posting three a day isn't likely. It's not that I don't care, it's that I just don't give a fruck! I thought I blogged about everything, but Ans got me beat, pause. See for yourself.

Day One:

Anslem: I woke up this morning, took a piss and washed my hands.

If I was Anslem: Phillies Won!

Day Six:

Anslem: It was the moment I feared. I haven't had food in days and my stomach is crying.

If I was Anslem[Not In A Blog]: Man, I'm starving. I'm bout to get me some Popeyes.

If I was Anslem, I wouldn't be fasting for no 30 days. I tried fasting for three days last year and cheated all over the freakin' place. Yogurts here, bananas, pause, there. By Day 2, I gave up because the M train stationed at the Myrtle/Broadway stop too long. I just couldn't take the greasy smell, so I got off the train and took my ass to Popeyes.

Speaking of food, I don't always like to share mine. But it's fun to do bad things, so I've been trying to get Anslem to cheat, pause, by offering him water, gum and even volunteering to pay for his lunch. Who knows if he's keeping it funky, though. Sure, he walks by my cubicle munching on some clove (ewwww, Ans, not Illll), but what does he do when nobody's around? Phillies won, but I'm just saying. By the way, by the time I'm done writing this sentence, I will have completed my own little challenge: 90 words in 30 seconds...96 to be exact.

So, when you're done laughing at one of my hilarious posts, go down (pause for the dudes) to my Funky Blog Roll and check out Ans' blog for some good ole mushy TMI action. But seriously, check him out. I'm sure you'll appreciate some of his posts. If you don't, offer him a sandwich or something. [SMILEY!]

I Just Don't Want To Like You...

2008-09-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

PS: My Palin entry was my 100th post, but I didn't do anything special for it cause I just didn't think it was that big a deal.

So I checked my email this morning and saw I had been tagged in yet another facebook note.

Nope! It wasn't Anslem's hungry ass writing about wanting to cheat his fast with a cheeseburger, but the homie Kevin L. Clark. I've been enjoying reading Kev's relationships stories over at Hello Beautiful, so I clicked through to see what his latest entry was about. Imagine my disgust when Kev referred to Tyler Perry as “the new king of black Hollywood” when reviewing his latest flick, The Family That Preys.

I immediately stopped reading and hit Kev on IM.

Me: Don't ever call Tyler Perry the new king of black Hollywood ever in your life.

Kev: LOL. Why not? It's true. Watch as he bodies the game with box office movies unlike predecessors - Spike Lee and Antoine Fuqua.

Me: You is blasphemous.

Kev: You is - what is this? The Antebellum South?

Me: Man! I can't respect them Madea pictures. Just can’t.

Kev: But you love Martin...

Me: Yup! Remember that blog, though. I realize that he was shucking and jiving as much as the next man [at the time]. The difference is he's funny. Perry is corny.

Kev: Go see The Family That Preys and tell me if it's corny...

Me: I don't wanna see it. I’m only curious [to see it] because of Sanaa Lathan.

Kev: Go see it.

Me: Sounds like u were impressed?

Kev: I was. Very much so. If he can successfully kill Madea, he can have a great career in Hollywood.

Me: I mean, he already does. He pumps out movies fastand generates lot of money. I just don't want to like him, ok.

I was just busting Kev's balls, pause, but he was right. If we're talking Box Office, the king of Hollywood, period, so happens to be a black man: Will Smith. But if we're talking about targeting the black demo, Tyler Perry flicks generate the most doe right now. Spike Lee and Fuqua's movies are more substantial and just flat out better, but they don't bring in as much mula. I'm not sure Fuqua ever had a hit by Blockbuster standards (100 mill +), but Lee's Inside Man (2006) was the first hit of his then 20-year career.

I remember vowing to never watch Diary Of A Mad Black Woman. But since I was in a relationship (yup, I've been in one of those) at the time, I compromised and saw it at the movies. It turns out, the flick wasn't as God awful as I expected it to be. I saw Why Did I Get Married last fall and enjoyed it. Still, I can't stand Tyler Perry for some reason. Maybe it's because of his horrible movie titles. Similarly, I don't wanna like Young Jeezy, but man... that Recession album is fire.

So my question is, is there something, or somebody you don't want to like? And if so, how do you really feel about it?

Sarah Palin > Michelle Obama

2008-09-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

Before accusing me of being a republican, bare with me.

Me and a few of the fellers, including Mark (proud Palin slugger) briefly discussed John McCain earlier today when the question came up. "Would you f Sarah Palin," one of the fellers asked. Interestingly, we all responded in unison. "Yup! Oh Yeah! Hell yeah!" Don't sleep. Governor Palin is a former beauty pageant contestant. The sisters won't like this one, but we also agreed that given the opportunity, we'd spend the night with Palin rather than Michelle Obama.

I know there's been much talk about Michelle Obama having a subtle bubble, but I personally haven't paid much attention to it. On the flip side, when Palin was announced as McCain's VP, I automatically thought, "she's a good looking lady." Palin isn't a dime or anything. There's just something about her. I doubt it's photoshopped, but I think a lot of cats dig her because of that phony photo circulating with her wearing a bikini.

Let's not get it twisted, I still want Barack Obama to win. So let me ask you guys? Fellers, would you beat Sarah Palin? Ladies, be gentle on us. Barack the vote!

Was Martin Shuckin' & Jivin?

2008-09-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've been building my DVD collection as of late.

I purchase at least one DVD every paycheck. You'd be surprised how fast it builds up your library. I recently copped some old classics, including The Karate Kid, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and the first three seasons of Martin. Actually, I've been OD-ing on Martin. I've watched one season and a half in roughly a month since buying the DVDs.

I must say, I don't recall it being so freakin' hilarious. It's always funny for me to look back at sitcoms years later. I always become much more analytical. I'm not sure I noticed it at the time, but Martin definitely relied more on physical comedy than dialogue to get laughs. But seeing Marty Mart excessively sing and dance, shout and dress up as Shananah, Mama Payne, Otis, Jerome, Dragon Fly Jones, Elroy Preston and Roscoe, among others, I can't help, but think..."Damn! Was Martin shucking and jiving?"

Dragon Fly Jones

Mama Payne

See, when Tyler Perry first pulled Madea out, I was among the first to call foul on the play. I'm not alone. Perry has been long criticized for caricaturing black folks on the big screen. If Martin faced similar criticism at the time, I definitely don't remember it. But, what really separates him from Martin? Shoot! Madea and Mamma Payne are basically cut from the same mold. Two no-nonsense elderly lady who will cut you if the situation calls for it. Actually, a case could be made for Mamma Payne being more over the top than Madea. But, besides Martin being way funnier, what makes Tyler a coon, and Martin, not?

I'm completely bias and will most likely find reasons to defend Martin at any cost, so I turn to you guys. Was Martin shucking and jiving? And why is Tyler Perry getting a bad rep when others get/got a pass?

Captain Carl Save A Hoe!

2008-08-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

I don't love these hoes, but I save them sometimes.

As selfish and indifferent as I can be, I sometimes turn into a good samaritan, even to hoes. I'ma mind your business and don't break up the fight type of dude, but some situations call for an intervention. I'm a part-time hoe savior, but I still need some work. I'm not too good at it. I remember venturing to some random party right after T-Pain's album release last summer. I was over there with my dudes Brent Woodie and Skye.

So at some point, I'm walking by the speakers when this chick sitting on it, grabs me with her legs and pulls me in closer. She hugs me, blurts out something totally incoherent and then tries to kiss me. WTF? You should have seen Brent and Skye's jaws drop. Mind you, I was twisted myself, but not that twisted. She looked pretty good, but I didn't know shorty from a hole in a wall. She was obviously plastered beyond belief and needed to leave the club before some douche got his hands on her. I asked her where her friends were and she clumsily pointed to some bird dancing on a speaker.

Me: Hey, you need to get your friend out of here. She's too wasted. She tried to kiss me just now. Some dudes will take advantage of her.

Bird: I don't even know her like that. She followed us here from the T-Pain party.

I spent the next five minutes trying to convince the girl to leave the club as vultures slowly gathered around waiting for me to finally leave her alone. Then some dude randomly walks over and grabs her hand on some "let's go" ish.

Me: What are you doing?

Douche: ...

Me: [Turns To Bird]

Bird: That's my homeboy. He knows her.

Me: [Turns to douche and grabs drunk girl's hand back] What's her name?

Douche: I know her.

Me: Then, what's her name?

Douche: I know her.

I knew he was lying, but for some reason I just stopped trying to save her. I wasn't about to karate kid kick this dude's ass over some chick I didn't know. Perhaps she didn't wanna be saved. Then again, she didn't look too enthused about her new friend. It wasn't surprising to see dude tonguing her by the downstairs bathroom minutes later while some other dude copped a feel. I confronted the bird on the way out, but she was too busy touching her toes for some dude. I failed miserably that one time, but at least I succeeded last night.

I ended up chatting these two chicks up on the way home from my boy J's birthday party. It turns out they lived in my neighbordhood. In this case, they weren't hoes, just very very friendly. So we get to Myrtle/Broadway station and this Jamaican dude asks me, "Can I join in?" It wasn't my place to say yes or no, so I just told dude we just met. Dude gladly stepped in and began his cooch mission. Mind you, he lived at the Myrtle stop, but got on the Ridgewood-bound train with us. The girls eventually got to their stop, hugged me goodbye and shook the other dude's hand. Get this! Dude still got off the train. Thankfully, I took both girls' information when dude started getting weird a few minutes prior. So I called one of them to make sure they were straight and dude was apparently following them home. I stayed on the phone with her until the slime ball left.

This is scary to me, so I can only imagine how you women feel. I guess these types are the reason women are afraid to walk home alone late at night. The bad thing is, these situations will probably never stop happening. The good thing is, it looks like I'm getting the hang of this hoe saving thing.

Tall Girls Vs. Short Girls

2008-08-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

Them chicks is like 6' 13"...

This one was inspired by the homie, Jesus.

He blogged about tall guys vs. short guys last week. If you knew me at 15, I would have sided with the shorties. Baggy jeans were in at the time and the shorter you were, the iller the jeans looked on you. But I eventually reached average height (5'9") and never looked back.

Anyway, since Jesus already spoke on the fellers, I thought I'd discuss women. I personally prefer short to (slightly above) average height (5'4") women. Forget them catwalk types. I'm only 6'1", what the hell am I gonna do with a chick my height or even 5'11". I wouldn't climb Lisa Leslie. I think the tallest girl I've dated was 5'10."

I really like short girls, but I wouldn't say it's a preference. I like them between 5'2" and 5'7". Let's not get it twisted. As always, exceptions can be made... like Saba. But I've never date a girl taller than me. I wonder if I'd be up to it if it came to it. Back in the Red Lobster day, this older shorty standing 6'2" and 200 plus pounds once approached the kid. The funny thing is she was a goon -type. I've seen her punk around many a dude. Pffttt! Picture her trying to punk me. I would have karate kid kicked her ass. I would never put my hands on a woman, but once they're taller, weigh more than me and then act like they can whoop my ass, I may have to left hook them.

Anyhow, what about you fellers? Ever dated a girl taller than you? Ladies, ever dated a shorter dude? Me not! I guess I'm siding with short-ish girls.

5 Reasons Why I Need To Stop Drinking...

2008-08-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

So I got plastered out of my common sense this past weekend.

Me, the Bedford Boys, Team Guerilla and a few other homies hit up this rooftop party in Brooklyn Saturday. The joint got shut down before 1 a.m., but by then, I was way past the breathelizer stage.

As much fun as we've had drinking this past year, sometimes I can't help but think I need to just hang the bottle. Why not? I'm sure I can come up with one or five valid reasons.

Money: I'm not sure I've said this before, but I drink with a purpose: to get tipsy. I don't drink during the day and never drink while eating. With that said, it's hardly ever open bar when we go out on weekends and the wallets thin out quickly. Thankfully, I'm sort of a lightweight. Still, it takes me abuot three drinks to get tipsy and depending on the night, between six to eight to get wasted. Depending on the spot, drinks usually cost anywhere between $6 to $12 dollars, so you do the math.

Ugly Girls: My vision is impaired when drinking. Add deceptive lighting and I can't tell Halle Berry from Eartha Kitt. Sometimes I know they're busted, but flirt with them just for the hell of it. That's just wrong.

Nonsense: Knowing how twisted I was on Saturday, the next morning I decided to check my phone to see if I sent any crazy text messages. I sure did. Peep this ridiculous exhange between me and one of my boys.

Me: Where u at? What's the word?

Friend: At the crib with this shorty I met at the party.

Me: Oh word? What's the next move?

SMH!!! I should have replied, "Oh cool. Do your thing," but obviously didn't. What a drunk blonde moment.

Throwing Up: Up until November 2007, I had never thrown up from drinking. I was so proud of that statistic. I had my share of close calls, blacked out and forgot portions of many nights, but always held my liquor. But then we went out for the homie Jesus' sister-in-law's birthday, and I let it all out. I have since thrown up two more times. Needless to say my flawless record is now tarnished.

Recklessness: Some folks brag about being good drunk drivers, but I clearly couldn't jump behind the wheel while intoxicated. As previously mentioned, my vision is impaired and so is my judgement and my senses. I've seen many a dude get they ass karate kid kicked while drunk. Just last week, I saw this dude, completely incapacitated, leaking heavily right outside of this pizzaria. Apparently some dudes ran in the spot as he was eating and just kicked his tail one time. It doesn't take much. A step on the shoe here, a spill on the shirt there. I value my 31 teeth.

What about you guys? What are some of the dumbest things you have done while inibriated?
FYI! Though this weekend's Rooftop Party was insane, it is null in void. Word is the folks who threw the party didn't even reside at the location and are now the focus of a police investigation for tresspassing or something. Unless someone tries to contend by September's end, the Bedford Boys have officially thrown the illest party of the summer.

I Can Beat Usain Bolt

2008-08-25T10:00:00.001-07:00

First off, Jamaica stand up!

After missing most of the Athens Olympics, I'm glad I've been able to catch some of this year's Olympiads. I got to see Michael Phelps win his eight medals, saw a little pole vault (pause) and even got to peep the tiny little Chinese gymnists do a few flips. But my favorite part of the games has aways been track and field, the 100 meter dash more specifically.

As Ron Mexico and I were discussing the other day, Jamaica always had the best sprinters. Ben Johnson and Donovan Bailey ran for Canada, but they were both Jamaican-born. I can't help but think us Haitians could also be a force in track and field, but we're too busy playing some other kind of games. Sigh!

Still, Haitians and Jamaicans of my generation have developed a respect and to a point... a camaraderie over the years, so I can't help but sort of feel proud of Usain Bolt's gold medals. I'll tell you what, though. I can beat him. Yup! And of course there's a trick to it. There has to be an MTA train ready to leave at the finish line. I've always been fast. Me and my sister Valerie used to win all race events at our school's Olympics growing up. But for some reason, I become lightning fast when trying to catch a train. I may be the G.O.A.T bus and train catcher. It's gotten to a point where I can hear the train outside, run up the stairs, race to the turnstile, swipe my metro card, run up more stairs and still catch the train.

I can do straight lanes with minor detours too. Back when I lived in Montreal, I was late for school one day and saw the bus drive by the second I opened the door. Mind you, the stop was close to 100 meters from the crib. So I ran to the intersection, turned left, ran a block, busted another left and caught the bus at the following stop. So yeah...Put a train at the finish line and I think I got Usain.

I can't out swim Phelps, though. I can't really swim. I go forward. It's not too aesthetic of a look either. I'm sure some of you are as allegedly delusional as I am? What world class athletes, singers, actors are you better than? LOL

Is The Light Skin Negra Really Making A Comeback?

2008-08-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

Don't tell me the light skin negra never left. That awful House Of Payne series is Allen Payne's first steady gig since the 90s. Diddy is raising Al B. Sure's kid and Shemar Moore is hands down the C.O.A.T (corniest of all time) all across the ethnicity board.

Thankfully, I never had to worry about complexion coming up. By the time I started worrying about the girlies, Wesley Snipes (Free Him!)and Michael Jordan were in their prime. We haven't looked back since. If a dark skin vs. light skin war ever popped off, you yellow negras wouldn't stand a chance. We'd just baton the hell out of you guys. It doesn't matter how you wanna play it.

Best Actor: Sure, Will Smith is the Box Office G.O.A.T, but he's 0 for 2 with Oscar. With the exception of Morgan Freeman, who would fall into the light skin team in a Complexion Draft, every Academy Award Winner is on our team. Denzel Washington (twice), Sydney Poitier (Dos), Forest Withaker and Jamie Foxx. Plus we got Darth Vader.

Best Rapper: Kanye West is the best rapper alive and Lil' Wayne is the hottest rapper alive. You dudes may wanna have a huttle over there. Jay-Z is washed up, Nelly can't buy a hit, T.I. is going to jail and Ludacris is messing up Barak's campaign.

Basketball: Kobe is the best player in the world and Michael Jordan is the G.O.A.T.

Sex Symbols: Morris Chestnut and Idris Elba are still favorites with the ladies.

Funny Men: Chris Tucker, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Foxx, etc, etc. You dudes never picked up after Red Fox and Richard Pryor. The Wayans brother don't count (they're caramel, but ya'll can have them).

I could list a bunch of other things, but you dudes are already trailing by too much, so there' no point in doing so. By the way, we'll let you guys have Michael Jackson. That individual clearly won't make any good contribution to our party.

Come on, homie. We major! But that's until recently. We just lost Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes (R.I.P) this weekend. Wesley Snipes is about to go to jail for tax evasion and his punk ass is still putting out straight-to-DVD flicks like The Art Of War 2. Michael Vik was not a good look. And last but not least, Rick Ross allegedly lied about being a correctional officer. We're hurting, man. On the flip side, that kid Chris Brown is leading the light skin negra revolution at the ground level. As previously mentioned, Will Smith, who is not even 40 yet, is doing his damn thing.

But there's one dude in particular who is really killing us: Barak Obama. Should he be elected president, we're in trouble. Next thing you know, you hang out with a light skin friend and never get any looks. Then again, I'll pull out a technicality on you bums and petition for light skin negras to only be responsible for half of Obama. Still, the president of the U.S.> anybody else, so half could still do the trick. Damn! Is the light skin negra really making a comeback?

I Got Jungle Fever, She Got Jungle Fever...

2008-08-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

I've played in the snow before. It's been years, though.

I guess I just don't find myself around white women anymore. And if I do, I'm not likely to pick them over sistahs. Interestingly, I had no options back in high school. I wanna say that's where my Wynona Rider appreciation comes from, but I found some old crushes on facebook and I was clearly bugging back then.

Just last week, my homie and I found ourselves looking at these two white girls at some event. They both clearly weren't "down" or "urban," but there was something about them. Then the question came up. Would you wife up a white girl? I quickly dismissed the possibility, but in retrospect, I have to reconsider. What If Alyssa Milano, my personal white chick G.O.A.T., was to holler? I've loved Jennifer Love Hewitt longtime (remember Party Of 5?). By the way, if I'm gonna go there, it gotta be a brunette or a redhead. I'm sure Edcredible will co-sign the redheads. So off top, I say absolutely not, but never say never.

I was watching Shooter with Mark Whalberg on HBO On Demand this weekend. The film co-starred this bad ass white girl, Kate Mara. Should a woman of her caliber approach me, I'd think twice.

Anyway, you'd be surprised how "deep" the party convos get. A few weeks back, another one of my homeboys (he's korean in case you care) asked me: If you could only be with one ethnicity (outside of yours) for the rest of your life, who would you pick? No brainer for me. Latinas! You know I'm a shallow dude, so by picking Latinas, I wouldn't feel restricted to one group on a visual level. They're the only ethnic group who can literally look like everybody (Indian, Asian, Arabic, White, Black, etc, etc). It's either that, or I'd pick whatever Kim Kardashian is. Montreal got some of the most beautiful Arab chicks, but they brothers and them will quickly karate kid kick yo ass and they're like the few people who aren't scared of haitians.

What about you guys? What ethnic group would you be with? And while we're at it, any of you got celebrity crushes from other ethnic groups? I think I have a G.O.A.T celebrity latina or indian. I'd rather find one in NY.

Ugh! This Is Such A Turn Off!

2008-08-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

I had been working on a turn off blog for a minute, but Army Ans beat me to it not too long ago.

Though I agree that sloppiness, selfishness, excessive make-up, underarm hair, being a cheap skate and smoking are turn offs, body odor and bad breath are the only items Ans and I both listed. You know I'm a particular bastard, so my list is...well, particular. So here it goes. Also, to balance out this entry with some positive, I thought I'd add some unusual turn ons as well.

Colored Contacts: Do I really need to repeat myself? If so, just revisit some of my old contact rants.

Boogers: As mentioned in the “First Date Deal-Breakers” entry. Not a good look.

Gum Poppin': Oh...My...God! I don't hear that noise as much these
days. I’m not talking about blowing Hubba Bubba bubbles, but making small bubbles in your mouth and making them pop. At times, chicks make consecutive pops. Like, pop,pop,pop, pop! Sadly, I’ve seen just as many grown ass women partake in this infraction as little teen rats. Horse gum chewing with your mouth open is also repugnant.

Delusion: I’m sure this one goes for the fellers too. There aren’t too many things more annoying than an ugly chick who swears she's fly. Or even a cute chick who thinks she's gorgeous and keeps bragging about it. There must not be mirrors in some of ya'lls crib. By the way, beauty has never been in the eye of the beholder. Whoever came up with that one must have
been bbbbbbusted! Pardon my niggorance, I just get that anal (pause) sometimes. Delusion just triggers my inner asshole, pause. It just makes me wanna be a jerk off, (no pause) to the (female) culprit.

Sailors: I don't mind cursing when it's occasional and can appreciate it when it's used to emphasize something. But excess is hardly ever cool. So, on that note, be a fucking lady!

Bad Dressers: This one only applies to bad chicks. Cause if you ain't one of them, there probably isn't anything to turn on in the first place. There’s nothing worst than a beautiful woman who can’t dress. I remember going out with this shorty and she kept wearing fur coats, weird shirts, shawls, blankets, table cloths and sorts of tapestry.

Demands: Don’t ask me for nothing. I’m not one of them trick ass suckers. Don’t ask me for drinks. Don’t ask me for gifts. Don't ask me what I drive (metro card). Don’t ask me for hook ups. I always pay for dates, but if you double check, I'm making yo ass go dutch. Wouldn’t you prefer I give you something rather than having to ask for it?

Bird Drawl: Chances are, if you wear contacts and pop your gum, you is a hoodrat and talk
in bird drawl. It's like...they kinda speak from the nose or something and their speech drags. It’s real slow.

Gratuitous Attitude: I've had girls switch they ass or give me the eye-roll like the kid was trying to holla. "Excuse me, I was trying to tell you there's toilet paper stuck on your shoe. Moron!”

Now, for my turn ons...

Slight Overbites: I like a woman with a slight overbite. It’s sexy as hell. Eve and Kelita Smith from The Bernie Mac Show are great examples. I'm not sure, the picture above captures it well, but I remember noticing Eve's overbite when I first met her. The slight overbite, not to be confused with Bug Bunny ass chicklets, usually pushes the upper lip a bit. Seeeeexxxxyy!

Head-To-Toe: I also love when women leave something to the imagination. Now, I’m not gonna cover my eyes if I see cleavage or anything. But if milk did your body good, chances are I’ll still be able to tell if you’re covered from head-to-toe. I’m talking no cleavage and minimal leg exposure.

Soledad O'Brien (CNN)

Business Suits: I see them every morning. Women going to work, looking great in their business attire. Again, it’s not showing much skin. I used to have this thing for Jackie Reid from BET News. I could have been the suit. I have a thing for Soledad O’Brien nowadays. Perhaps, also the suit.

What about you guys? What are your turn offs? What about unusal turn ons?

Let Go My Hand, Bitch!

2008-08-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

I kid. I kid. I would never say that...allegedly.

Anyway, it should come as no surprise that I don't hold hands (relationship or not). I just don't get it. I tried, but it just freakin' feels uncomfortably confined. I'll put my arm around your shoulder. We can walk arm in arm. But fingers locked? Not so much.

I'm assuming hand-holding has to do with two things. First, it's territorial. You're basically saying, "hands off, hoe." Second, it's a sign of affection or something like that. Well, I'm sure there are better ways to show your love. See arm around shouler. And as for marking your territory, it's not necessary. Anyone seeing a guy and a girl together is to assume they are together. I don't care if I'm walking around with one of my girl cousins. You are to assume we're a pair, keep walking or look at the freakin' floor. Anybody approaching without inquiring first could be subjected to a karate kid ass kicking.

By the way, fellers. Should someone ever approach the girl you're with without checking with you first, he thinks he can whoop your ass. I mean, I wouldn't try to pull that crap on Debo. But that's an entirely different blog. Anyway, the arm in arm is cool if you're welcomed. Otherwise, fellers like me are forced to develop escape tactics. I still haven't figured anything more subtle then the gradual arm slide. As far hand-holding, if a girl tries to hold mine, I just start thumb-wrestling.

As always, there are exceptions. Similar to my stingy seafood policies (me and Paula Patton can go to Red Lobster anytime), I'd hold Halle Berry's hand strictly for stuntin' purposes. Now, I may grab your hand if we're walking through a tight crowd, but it'll probably be brief. Also, I must say I'm not opposed to a little hand flirting, but I don't know about this crap.

That's likely to lead to some thumb-wrestling right there. Again, hand flirting is cool. The crowd walkthrough is cool. But continuously holding hands from Times Square to 34th St? Why? Tell me ladies. What is it about holding hands? Fellers, are you for it, against it, or indifferent?

Would You Give The Money Back?

2008-07-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

I never thought a 7-year-old would sum me up so well.

I'm no angel, but at the same time, I'm no scum. Aside from getting caught leaking on the street the night of my homie Jesus' bachelor party last year, I haven't gotten into much trouble since my teens. Still, to this day...it's fun to do bad things and I love doing hoodrat stuff with my friends. I definitely still have somewhat of a juvenile streak in me, but I usually keep it under control. I'm not sure I can recall the last time I did a hoodrat thing...well, maybe recently telling Farnsworth Bentley he had some nerve for putting out that "Everybody" video qualifies.

But the bottom line is, I'm never a hoodrat when it counts. If somebody drops something, I give it back. If the cashier gives me too much change, I give it back. I guess I've been piling up good karma points. This weekend, I was walking towards the turnstile at the Jamaica Van Wyck station in Queens, lost in my Amy Winehouse, when I pulled my blackberry out. Two steps later, some good samaritan, taps me on the shoulder and hands me $40. I'm assuming the doe fell out of my pocket when I pulled my phone out. And my reaction time was so slow, I don't even think my thank you was grateful enough. Shoot! As crappy as the economy is, I wouldn't mind finding 40 beans, unless I knew who it belonged to of course.

What about you guys? Do you usually keep the money, or give it back? Have you ever lost money somebody and had a good samaritan save your day?

Jail > War...

2008-07-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a punk about certain things. So there's no sense in me giving you that "never scared" bullcrap.

Off top, there are two things I wouldn't be caught dead doing: go to jail and serve in the army. I'm talking ducking grenades in combat and stuff. But given an option between the two, I'd Cassius Clay it and take my ass to jail. War just seems too nerve-racking, man. I saw this youtube clip with soldiers in shootouts just last week and dudes were stressed out of their brains. I tried finding the clip to post it here, but I couldn't find it and I'm sure you get the idea.

Not that jail is stress-free or anything, but maybe I could find a lane where the other inmates wouldn't bother me. Who knows? But let's keep it funky here. The main reason why regular dudes like me are scared of jail, is because Debo-types may wanna try and take it to the hole, pause.

That's a problem. I ain't going out like that. I'm only 6'1" and 185 lbs, so the odds aren't in my favor. Push comes to shove, though, I'm going out swinging. First off, I'd doo doo my pants and would refuse to shower, so I'd walk around stanking all day. Then, I'd smuggle a dumbell into my cell, take the weights off and tape the bar to my leg. Anybody setting it off, is getting they ass karate kid kicked. You too Fleece Johnson. See, Fleece is this inmate from the Kentucky State Penitentiary who enjoys crossing swords if you know what I mean. In part of a segment on MSNBC's Lock Up, good ole Fleece told the interviewer "booty was more important than water." See the clip for yourself.

Maaaaan, I will homerun Fleece's head with my dumbell. Since he's "a warrior too," I may die trying, but that sounds better than becoming one of his stories. So, given the option: jail, or Iraq? Which option would you take? War is out of the question for me, but God knows I'm not even thinking about stealing a lighter at a gas station.

Would You Get Off The Train Already?

2008-07-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

I don't like standing on the train, and I hate giving up my seat even more.

The thing is, anybody with gray hair thinks they're owed a seat. Pffttt! No cane, no seat. I know... I'm anal, pause. I'm working on it. I'm working on not letting anybody slide whenever my anal (pause) sense (pause) tingles (pause). During rush hour, if I'm really tired, I'll be that jerk off who contemplates sitting on a big-boned person's lap cause he/she is taking up two spots. Either that, or I'll squeeze in the tiny space and screw face them until they feel bad about taking up too much space. But when seats are up for grabs, I'm racing for one.

The train door opening is very similar to rebounding in basketball. As the train slows down (shot goes up), you step closer, anticipating where the door will stop (get good positioning) and then you box out (then you box out).

I'd be lying if I said I always get a seat. Sometimes, I just get to the scene too late, so I start profiling. I look around and start anticipating who is more likely to get off first. I just look at people thinking, "he can't possibly be getting off at my stop." Back in the Jamaica Queens days, it was white people. Now that I live in Ridgewood, it's black and Chinese people. It works on and off.But sometimes I can't help but think, "you know you live here. Would you get off the train already?" Imagine my surprise when a comedian talked about the same type of profiling during his stand-up routine this past weekend. So I get a feeling some of you do the same thing. Am I wrong?

Who The Hell Doesn't Like Kissing Anyway?

2008-07-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

My first kiss probably came a bit later than most.

Most of my patnas were tonguing chicks down by the end of elementary school, but me, not until I was 16. I had plenty of opportunities before, but I was just too shy to close the deal. Plus, I had this fear about not being good, cause God knows we all knew who the lousy kissers were in school.

Needless to say, I eventually got over it. Actually, I really like kissing now. Most people I know, men and women, do as well. But I do remember dating this girl who hated kissing about five years ago. It was so weird. Usually, if you're dating a girl and things click, you're gonna want to kiss her eventually. The funny thing is, she was actually a very good kisser. She just didn't like to do it.

Imagine my surprise when I found out she also didn't like her breast touched, sucked or any type of contact. But get this, she had this thing about not being able to have sex unless she got head first. Ya'll already know I don't eat seafood...well, I'm sure I'd make an exception for like Nia Long, Paula Patton, Lauren London, Kim Kardashian (I know she's a hoe, but she's a gorgeous hoe. I would Tommy Davidson in Booty Call her) or Stacey Dash.

My thing was, if you don't like to kiss and don't like your breast touched, what's left for me (don't even think about saying head) to do? It gets even more interesting. Things got a little physical on her bed one night, which is weird because I'm used to kisses being part of the deal. So at one point, this chick gets on top of me and starts licking me like a freakin' poodle. No lip contact, just her tonguing my face. WTF? I quit! Needless to say that's the only time it happened. This chick is now past tense blog material. But interestingly, I was talking to one of my homegirls recently, and she was telling me one of her friends, a dude, doesn't like to kiss. I hope they find each other.

What bout you guys? Any of you guys don't like kissing? If so, why not? Ever been with someone who didn't like kissing? I kinda have...

Movies By My Lonesome...

2008-07-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

I saw The Dark Knight earlier today.

I must say, it was dope as hell. Marvel and D.C. comic books were part of my diet growing up. So as far as movies, it doesn't get much better than seeing a superhero movie well executed. Heath Ledger (R.I.P) was incredible. His performance was well worth all the current hoopla, so I hope he grabs a posthumous Academy Award. I'm not saying his performance makes me wanna see Brokeback Mountain, but it was superior.

Guess who I went to the movies with, though. My damn self! I left work early, so I decided to catch it before hitting the gym. I never understood why people are so insecure about catching a flick for self. You watch movies at the crib, don't you? Granted, short dialogue and group-talking to the screen is part of the movie-going experience. But sometimes, I either don't wanna wait on anybody or don't wanna be bothered.

In my Red Lobster days, I remember guests asking me to seat them away from crowds so nobody would see them by themselves. There's nothing wrong with eating by yourself. I must say, I don't get what I'd get from actually sitting in the dining room by myself. I'd rather take it to the crib and watch TV or something. But if that's what you wanna do, it's cool.

I think it's healthy to spend time alone every now and then. Anybody who has spent an extended of time with me, will tell you I get quiet every now and then. It's not that I'm pissed or anything, I guess shut down and require some quality me time every now and then. The one thing I wouldn't do by myself, is go to a club. I think it's something to do with friends, not alone.

What about you guys? Any of you hit the flicks solo sometimes? Any of you don't understand why some people do it? Any of you do things by yourselves, like go to clubs?

My Bagging Rules

2008-07-16T19:19:00.001-07:00

Me and two of my homegirls have been playing this game as of late.

We went to a few sword fight parties (pause) recently and pickings were pretty slim on both ends. So my friend asked me, "if you had to talk to any girl in here, who would it be?" I was bored anywway, so we immediately combed the room looking for someone I wouldn't mind being in public with. They got mad, cause I ended up settling on a white girl. Hey, I love the sisters, but bad is bad and shorty was just that. I'll take Alyssa Milano over Tracee Ellis Ross, but I wouldn't pick her over Nia Long, Paula Patton or Mel B.

We played the game again last night at Nas' Album Release Party, but this time my friends thought they would add a spontaneous twist. " Ok, Carl. Now go talk to her," one of my friends said after picking a girl for me. Not a chance! I'm pretty moody and anal, pause, when it comes to approaching women. Ask the homie Kev Clark or Mark. They'll tell you that I just stand there like the Phillies won right after they tell me some cutie's been looking at me. They always call me lazy, but I'd say I'm more of a moody bagger. Sometimes I just don't feel like being bothered. Plus, I rarely move outside of my rules.

Rule No.1…Never Bag Unless The Girl Shows Interest: I mean, I’ve stepped to a girl without her looking my way before, but for the most part, I don’t budge unless I’m clearly invited.

Rule No.2…If You Don’t Have Anything To Say, Shut Up: If I tell one of my homies, “shorty is cute” one too many times, I have no business going over there. It should just happen. If I’m keep talking about it, chances are I’m overthinking and the convo could be forced or awkward when I finally approach. It should just be natural.

Pros: Slim margin for error. I usually make sure it’s painfully obvious the coast is clear, so rejection isn’t really an option. Sure, you have your flirts who aren’t looking for anything more than a little back and forth, but for the most part, the number is yours to lose when applying this rule.

Cons: Every now and then, I find out about a girl liking me, a girl who has never shown an ounce of interest. So by only following signs, you stand to lose tons of opportunities, perhaps even one of the good ones.

What about you guys? What makes you approach a woman? Any rules? Ladies, any of you approach the fellers? If not, what kind of signs do you give them when interested?

Sorry, Dude...I Don't Work Here

2008-07-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm at K-Mart earlier today and the second I walk in, this lady asks me for help.

"Ehhhh, como say, ehhh." I promtly set her straight. "I don't work here," I informed her. "Ohhhhh, you no work here?" she repeated all disappointed. I mean, don't department store workers usually wear uniforms?

Minutes later, I saw this lady rearranging shoes. She didn't have a uniform, just a red polo. I needed help with something, but rather than assume, I asked, "excuse me, do you work here?" It turns out she did. Barely two seconds later, some douche who was but two steps away when I asked my question started asking me for help. "Sorry, dude. I don't work here," I told him. Mind you, I had my red funkyminds t-shirt on. Why would a dude with a red shirt with a skull holding two mics be working at K-Mart?

Interestingly, the two people who mistook me for a K-Marter were latinos. But I'm not sure if that means anything. What about you guys? Any of you been mistaken for an employee rather than costumer before?

10 First Date Deal-Breakers...

2008-07-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty irritable.

I mean, it's all in fun, but how else do you explain my dismay for interior shades, scarves, contacts and self-proclaimed "cool people?" It's no different when it comes to poultry. I'm pretty anal, pause. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned being allergic to birds before. Extended bird exposure triggers my asthma and I start wheezing. I can't even wear snorkels, cause the coats are stuffed with feathers.

I ain't got time to pluck no chickens. And bird-brain behavior is definitely a deal-breaker. I remember going to the movies with this pelican a while back. You know I'm scatter brain, so I zoned out right around the time I got to the front of the ticket line. This cock sucking woodpecker (pun intended?) had the nerve to give me this, "what you waiting for, pay the man" look. Ohhhhh, it was over instantly. It was right around the first day of winter, so I told the pigeon she may as well migrate. Mind you, I was gonna pay. It was all in her attitude. I know some of you dudes may have stuck it out hoping for a kiss on the cheek. Me, not so moche. This wasn't a traditional deal-breaker, though. Matter fact, I took the time to explore potential first date deal-breakers.

Boogers: It's all timing with the boogie man. We all get them. So if one slides off your left nostril a few months into dating, you're probably good. First date, you're toast.

Trips & Falls: This is a tricky one. I probably wouldn't care if a girl fell on the date. The thing is, depending on how bad the chute was, the fallen may be too embarassed to face you again, so it may turn into a deal-breaker.

The Other Man/Woman: Apparently, looking at another woman during the first date is a deal -breaker. I mean, it is only the first date. It all depends on the look. But if you terminate the dater for trying to sneak a glance, I ain't mad at you. It may just be a pattern indicator.

Declined: I won't go out if I don't have any money, so this should never happen to me (fingers crossed). But if your card gets declined when the check comes, don't expect to hear from shorty again.

Spill It: This is a toss up (I think?) I don't know what I'd do if someone spilled something on me on the first rendez-vous. I think it depends on A) how much you're feeling the person B) How big the stain is.

The Ex Factor: It's normal for past relationships to come up, but they shouldn't be recurring themes throughout the date.

Let Me Get A Dollar: A friend of mine told me some dude spent his last on drinks and later asked her for a few bills so he can cop a hot dog. Wait! It gets better. Since homie ran out of money, he then asked her to swipe him in, so he can take the train home. All that on the first date. True story.

Dumb Movie Questions: Don't ask me what just happened. I'm seeing the movie for the first time just like you. Rather than ask me questions, look for clues and figure it out. That's what I do.

Get Off The Phone: It's one thing if your phone is your watch, but being glued to your device for most of the night probably isn't a good look. That being said, I confess to being a repeat offender. Oh well, Phillies won.

Ewwwwwww!: It's the first date, so we shouldn't be close enough for me to know you have racoon breath. Similarly, I heard MUESS has this new Skunk body spray some of these orioles have been using. Not a good look.

*Lateness?: Me and my dates never seem to be on time and for the most part, it has never really mattered. Perhaps some of you feel different.

What do ya'll think? What are your personal first date deal-breakers?

*Bonus

I Found The G.O.A.T Of Douche Bags

2008-07-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

Actually, me and this girl at work keep competing in finding funny videos and she sent this my way.

I often refer to douche bags on this here blog. Truth be told, it's hard to describe what a d-bag is. You just know when you see them. Well, this dude epitomizes douchbagism. This is superior douchbaggery. Listen for yourself.

Douchebag Phone Message - Watch more free videos

Tell me this isn't incredible.

I Hate Cool People (Ways To Know You're Not Cool)

2008-07-01T20:46:00.001-07:00

I doubt this is a news flash, but we’re going to be stuck in high school for the rest of our lives.

There will always be cool/popular kids, jocks, nerds, bullies, cheerleaders and the in between people (everybody else). Just look at your job. There’s most likely one person who is the man (cool kid), a person sucking the man’s knee caps (cheerleader), some douche bag pushing his/her weight around (bully), some quiet weirdo(nerd) who won’t bother blending in and everybody else.

Not that I think I deserve a cookie for this (if so, chocolate chip, please), but I never cared about that crap. I allegedly fell into the cool pool back in high school, but it never stopped me from talking to whoever. I’ll always remember one of my friends asking me: “why do you talk to them, they’re not cool?” Phillies won! It’s funny, I haven’t changed a bit and neither have “cool” people. I think I may have mentioned it before, but my friend Janee nailed it. After Nas’ Hip-Hop Is Dead listening session a while back, she said she noticed that writers mingled based on other writers' looks or the outlets they worked for. But since Chase Utley always hits homeruns to put the Phillies on top, I apparently talked to everybody.

Just yesterday, I wondered if wack people knew they sucked penis. Not so much! But interestingly, I don’t think self-proclaimed “cool people” know they’re corny. Here's a little something to help them out.

5. You’re Not Cool… If You Write Blogs About People Not Being Cool: Crrrap! I guess I didn’t make the cut. *Furiously throws mouse at screen*

4.You're Not Cool...If You're Out Of High School And Try To Herb People For Not Being Cool: ...Bitch!

3. You’re Not Cool…If You Wear Colored Contacts, Shades/Scarves Inside Or Scarves With T-Shirts: Those people are criminals as far as I'm concerned. Death to them. Give them the chair.

2. You're Not Cool...If You Brush Your Nose With Your Fingers: I think pimps and cunt muffins do it. They usually slightly brush their nose with their thumb and index right after bragging like it's an exclamation point or something. Like, "you know. I'm doing my thang." [Nose brush] If you ask me, that maneuver is too close to an unorthodox nose pick to be cool.

1.You’re Not Cool If…We Didn’t Tell You: See, Lowkey and Kev Clark always complain, “Carl, you’re too cool.” But they don’t say it because I wear ugly sneakers, they do because I act like the Phillies never lose. I don’t wanna be cool anyway. I brag about being regular all the time. (no cookies please) If you claim cool, you’re a cornball by default. Don't try telling us otherwise, we’ll be the judge.

You know what to do… Oh, and which kid were you in high school?

I Love Wack People...

2008-06-30T19:43:00.001-07:00

It took me a minute to complete this club blog.

I was heading to the gym, trying to write it on my bberry, but this latina next to me was talking some serious doo doo on her phone, so I couldn't focus. From what I gathered, she had just gotten into a fist fight with "some bitch" and was heading back to Brownsville, BK for some reinforcements.

She was kinda cute (I know you assholes were wondering). Despite a few bloody scratches on her face, she made it seem like she beat "the bitch" ass (No Pause). She simply wanted to go home, so she can "put sneakers on, wrap her hair" and return to inflict some more bodily harm to "that Biiiiiittcchhh!" She was talking so much ass that this 50-something white man next to me cowardly whispered: "would you shut the fuck up?"

Anyway, we got off at the same stop. Right when she stood by the train doors to make her exit, some corn bucket started trying to holler. It went a little something like this.

Corn Bucket: Where you going?

Pissy Chick: To Brownsville, so I can wrap my hair, get my sneakers and beat this bitch ass.

Corn Bucket: Let me get your number.

Pissy Chick: I don't have no phone on me. [Blogger's Note: Mind you the pissy chick was talking some serious horse ish on the phone minutes earlier.]

Corn Bucket: You wanna take mine?

Pissy Chick: I'll be around.

What a cunt muffin!!! Pardon the eavesdropping, but I blame the chick for first disturbing my blogging and then hooking me to her convo. Besides, this 24.6 (seconds) exchange was just too golden for me to mind my business this particular time. I'm no expert or anything, but why would you ask for the number so quickly? Bump that! Why would you try to get with a chick with a bloody face? You may as well try to bag a pregnant woman.

That being said, I'm not too mad at the corn bucket. Lames like him make us regular dudes look good. All that dumb stuff only works with poultry. I mean, I love doing hood rat stuff with my friends and all, but I'm allergic to birds. I love wack people, though. Thanks for making me look better. But here's my question. Do you think wack people know they suck? Most of the ones I know, don't. By the way, the Phillies are on a winning streak.

Why Do We Go To Clubs Anyway?

2008-06-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

I’ll tell you one thing. I don’t go to clubs to listen to music. I got plenty of that at the crib.

I don't dance with girls that often, but let's keep it funky here, fellers. We've all been told: "No thanks. I like to dance by myself." Pffttt! I thought that was bullcrap until I ended up talking to this girl. She liked the kid, but it turns out that she really didn't like dancing with dudes.

Per most of my homegirls, women go to the club to have fun, dance and listen to music. Me,not so much. When I first started going out, it was all about the ladies. I went out in hope to get me some new digits. And you dunn know the joint better not be a sword fight. Then I went through a phase where I never went out. I mean, you go out, spend a bunch of money on drinks, but for what? I just didn't see the point.

I'm back in party mode these days. The funny thing is, I don’t care whether I meet new girls or not. If it happens, it happens. I just wanna have some fun. Still, the joint better not be no freakin’ sword fight. As anal (pause) as I am about the men/women ratio, it almost doesn’t matter at the end of the day.

Me and the homie Jesus went to Pink Rabbit (no strip club) with the fam on Friday. What a dump! There wasn’t even one almost cute shorty in there. Thankfully, we still had fun. We cracked plenty of jokes and danced to some old school. Fun times! Sure, it’s always cool to meet someone new, but it won’t make or break my evening. What about you guys? Why do you go to clubs? Oh, and just in case one of you douches get any idea, Phillies won. 13-0.

The Bitch Wasn't There...

2008-06-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

Isahia Carrey is back.

Just last week, I posted an hilarious clip of this news reported cussing up a storm after fly dove into his mouth in the middle of news brief. Well, it turns out that the "roving reporter" has one or five funny clips on youtube. Actually, I'm starting to question whether he's real or not. Bottom line, he's the funniest dude in America this week. Peep for yourself.

"The Bitch Wasn't There"

"I Ain't Got No Prompter"

Tell me you just didn't pee your freakin' pants. I cried earlier at work today and I'm still busting out laughing now. My fortune (not much) for anybody who can find this guy's myspace.

Please Don't Die, Amy Winehouse...

2008-06-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

I don't usually use the word "bitch," but considering how much of a douche Amy Winehouse is, I may drop it here and there in this entry.

I need an intervention, but I don't I want one. I've been addicted to Amy Winehouse's Back To Black for just about a week now. I know it's old. Shoot! I've had it for over a year, but I inexplicably didn't spend much time listening to it until recently. I liked her singles, but somehow couldn't focus when I tried absorbing the entire CD.

Though she's obviously talented, I first noticed there was something about Amy when I heard "Valerie" off Mark Ronson's Version last year. And then there was her Grammy speech where she bigged up her man in jail. Still, at that point my liking her had little to do with her music. I just liked her like that. But I recently heard "Tears Dry On Their Own" while shopping for DVDs at Union Square's Virgin Mega Store and I think it did it for me. "Is that Amy," I asked my friend. It was. The trip lead to me revisiting Back To Black and I've been hooked ever since.

There's a feeling I struggle to describe when it comes to music. I usually say that I get lost in certain recordings. That's exactly what Amy does. Like, I forget where I am when I listen to her. I got it bad, man. I loves her. If she keeps it up, I may have to put her up there with my booty boo, Erykah Badu.That's saying a lot.

I already can't wait for the next album, but I'm concerned. I mean, this cock sucker is so reckless she may just not make it. And damn it, as much as I've been oding on Amy in the past week, life without her just seems unbearable right now. I need some fresh material. I'm sure she's offended one or three people in the past year, but I don't care as long as she keeps making dope music. So listen here, Amy. You can keep using dope. You can even smoke crack on youtube. You can punch your punk ass boyfriend, drive drunk, get arrested, spit on fans, skip your own shows, make allegedly racist videos, faint and get hospitalized, but don't you die on me bitch, you hear me? Don’t you dare kick the bucket. You owe me a couple of albums before you do.

It's Gonna Be A Hot Summer...

2008-06-15T16:33:00.001-07:00

Tiff, Anna, Hobbs & Kim...

"It's a great night in New York City" --Hobbs.

Chuch! The heatwave is technically over, but things are just starting
to warm up in NYC.

When I heard the Bedford Boys (Roni, Hobbs & Chad) were throwing a Rooftop Party (where the hell is Dre?) this weekend, I knew it was on. I mean, I can't remember the last time we had an off night. We have fun whenever we regroup. But I can't even front, the party exceeded my expectations.

There are four keys to a classic party. Good music, good vibe, a favorable girl/guy ratio (no sword fight) and former SOHH On The Scene model,Sam Ed. If Sam Ed ain't at your party, your joint probably sucks, b.The Rooftop Jump Off was just that...classic!

I played doorman, escorting people to the rooftop for most of the night, but still had a ball. The joint got so live, 5-0 had to shut it down.Shoot! Technically, the party didn't stop until Sunday morning. If this weekend is an indication of things to come, it's gonna be a hot summer for real, Cam.

To B. Dot and Mark, ya'll missed a good one. Shouts to everybody I chilled with this weekend: Roni, Chad, Hobbs, Anna, Tiff, Kim, Papa Hobbs, Rod, Joe, Chris (ATL), Al, Dallas, Jesus, Yvette, Sam Ed, Cash, Damian,Chris (beautiful egyptian-haitian. She's a girl...no pause), Brian, Kevin, Jen,Candace, Jess, Kev Clark, Chris (the DJ), Lande, Lenny, Anslem, Travis, Rondell, Hyun, Ricky, James, Nadege, Erik P, Patrice...if I missed anybody, I'll get you next time.

I Can't Stop Laughing... Again

2008-06-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

I had another one of them long ass laughs yesterday.

My co-worker IM'd me this clip where a fly goes into a news correspondent's mouth while he's reporting. The funny thing is dude talked all extra proper, putting on his Bryant Gumble voice, but he switched up the second the fly caught him. Dude was cussing all over the place. Me, I was laughing all over the place. I would laugh, stop for a few minutes and then laugh again.See for yourself

Now tell me you still ain't laughing.