Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Was This Year Bad For You Too?

I'm not gonna sit here and bitch about '08. It's cold out there, but things could be way worse for me personally.

I've been there and I'm not trying to go back. I'm actually scouring my brain as we speak and can't really think of anything negative about '08 besides the economy, so I thought I'd list a few things and see where there's room for improvement in '09.

Health: I got unusually sick in '07, but '08 was much better. I pretty much feel like I'm gonna die whenever I have a stomach ache or need my inhaler, so I had a few scares, but nothing too scary.

FUN: Man, I've been having the time of my life these past few years. From partying to jusst having convos with the homies, it's been great. I'm hoping the new year brings more.

Love Life: I didn't date much this year, but had a lot of...errrrhhh, I guess female interaction would be appropriate. Obviously, I'm still single, so my love life wasn't all that great, but I got to hang with some quality gals for a change. Unfortunately, I have the wt.o.a.t (worst timing of all time) so I should be blogging about poultry for a while longer.

Financial/Job: The career and finances continued to upgrade this year. God willing I'll be good money for '09.

I can't think of anything else. If I'm healthy, having fun and have enough money to pay bills, then I'm happy. What about you guys? How was your year? Can't wait for it to be over?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Santa Claus Is A Douchebag...And A Pervert

I wish you guys were with me Saturday afternoon, cause there's no way I'll ever be able to accurately describe what went down.

The L train has never been so rowdy. I was on there trying to write a little something via blackberry on the way home, but couldn't focus because some high school kids were louder than usual. I tried my best to ignore it at first, but then I noticed some old dude acting a monkey in front of the kids. The primate in question was some old dude wearing a Santa hat. The guy was walking around the train playing christmas carols with his hypeman taking requests. The craziest thing was that I don't even think he was playing for money. Dude was just being messy, playing way off key and mumbling some nonsense.

Just when I thought the circus closed and tried going back to my business, I heard some loud screams. Imagine my surprise when I saw Santa Douche pressing up on the kids -demanding a kiss from one of the girls. It was nuts! One in particular was borderline laughing and crying. The scene was a damn mess. Santa was going up and down the car playing Sax while his hypeman filmed him. At one point, he even gave this little girl his camera so she could film the scene. To top it all off, I asked this weirdo sitting next to me what was wrong with Santa and noticed that she had a gum ring. Yes! You've heard right, her gum, meaning the tissue that surrounds the necks of teeth and covers the alveolar parts of the jaws, had a freaking piercing in it.

Anyway, don't ever trust a grown man with a Santa hat and don't let your kids sit on their lap either. It's just too close to his saxophone.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

What's The Best Movie Of 2008?

The Dark Knight

Since the year's coming to an end, I thought I'd revisit some of its best and worse moments this week.

One of the year's worse moments, at least on an entertainment level, was the death of Heath Ledger back in February. I wrote a post at the time predicting that The Dark Knight would be the year's biggest film. Well, not only was it the year's top grossing film, for my money (not much), it's also the year's best.

One of my initial concerns upon hearing that Ledger was to incarnate the Joker was his lack of resemblance to the legendary DC Comics vilain. On the flip side, Jack Nicholson, who played the Joker in 1989's Batman, actually looked the part. I remember hearing early reports on Ledger's performance and thinking he couldn't possibly match Jack, but he arguably did an even better job. They may as well have killed the Joker off, because no actor on earth will ever be able to follow in Heath and Jack's footsteps. It'll be blasphemous if he doesn't nab the first Oscar nomination (and wins) for portraying a superhero.

Though he became the main draw, Ledger isn't solely responsible for Knight's success. The flick was pretty immaculate safe for two things: Batman's corny ass voice and Maggie Gylenhall. As much as I despise Kirsten Dunst, who thank the lord is rumored to not be featured in Spider-Man 4, Gynlenhall has to be the wackest superhero girlfriend ever. There's no way this chick would have two dudes, let alone a billionaire and successful lawyer, fighting over her. It's just un-believable. At least they killed her off. If Dunst makes it to Spidey 4, I hope she gets 86'd by Karnage or something.

As much as I loved Knight, Best Movie billing is always up for debate. I noticed something, though. My movie diet pretty much consisted of action flicks and comedies this year, no No Country For Old Men here. I dug Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Step Brothers, Iron Man, Hancock (do I need to pause that?) and Wanted just to name a few, nothing too deep. What do you guys think? What was your favorite flick of the year? I hear Slum Dog Millionaire is dope. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Girly Guys: The Feminization Of Straight Men

It never ceases to amaze me how often chicks fall out with one another.

Every now and then, I bump into an old co-worker or college buddy and ask about their homegirl only to find out they're "not cool anymore." It's pretty common. To let some women tell it, other chicks are catty, trifling, sneaky and dishonest backstabbers so they'd rather hang with dudes. Not to say dudes never snake one another, it just doesn't happen as much...For now.

Hearing my homegirls vent on the guys they've been dating, girly dudes are becoming quite trendy. I'm not talking about wardrobe, like... wearing scarves inside, but behavior. So if this keeps up I doubt girls will wanna hang out with men who act like chicks if they can't stand estrogen in the first place. So, after consulting a few homegals, I thought I'd list several ways men are becoming girlier.

GOSSIP: There's a fine line between gossip and back talk. Let's face it, we all talk behind people's backs (minus my boys EP and Roberto), but gossipers are plain nosy. They run with information whether it's confirmed or not -often spreading rumors in the process. For instance, my girl (friend) went to a function with her platonic friend (who so happens to like her) not too long ago. To make a long story short, her friend's acquaintance tried to holler unsucessfully. Next thing you know, the platonic friend confronted my homegirl on some, "I heard you gave so and so your number." Sounds like a pathological gossiper to me. A) Dude wasn't even there when his boy tried to holler. B) He got his information from a third party. C) He chose to run with unconfirmed info rather than check with my homie first.

HE SAY, HE DID: This is definitely an extension of gossiping. It's like romantic snitching. A man should never tell another man's business to get out of the dog house or make himself look better. That's one of the foundations of the G Code (Guy Code). I myself got wind of some stiletto ass negros I barely know spreading my business earlier this year. If the gossip wasn't straight out fabricated, it undoubtedly was reported based on third party information. That is so high pitch!

SIDEBAR: Be on the lookout. Sam please say the Ed and I are currently working on a short film entitled, The G Code starring the original Bedford Boys, Dallas Penn, Mark Lelinwalla and others.

TMI: There comes a point in a relationship where girls don't wait for you to ask about their day and just go in. They'll talk about getting their nails done, going to the spa and a bunch of crap dudes don't give damn about. But we know better, so we listen. Guys ask each other about their day too. We say, what up, what's new, what's the latest, what's good, etc, etc. But I'll be darned if some dude just starts telling me about his day without me asking him the deal. Example:

[Guys walks up to me and shakes my hand]

Guy: Yeah, this morning I woke up, yawned then took a shower, ate breakfast, went to the bookstore...

[I look at Guy crazy]

Then I called my homegirl, she didn't pick up, so I called her again. She finally picked up, so we went to lunch, had a glass of wine, it wasn't good. Then I went to the movies, it was sold out...Dude, shut up!

SHE DIDN'T CALL: This one is hilarious. It's pretty bad on my part, but I guess I got too much pride to be that girly. If a chick I really like doesn't call me back, I'll just take the L. Ain't no way I'm gonna call her whining like, "Why didn't you call me back?"

One of my homegirls interestingly told me dudes acting like girls is nothing new. Maybe I've just been noticing it more lately. I'm not gonna type here and act like I'm not a culprit myself. I'm petty and that's pretty girly. Other than that, I'm pretty scruffy. So, did I forget anything? Ladies, care to share some girly things your dates or boyfriends tend to do? I would have mentioned starting arguments, but dudes will bring up the topic with no ill intentions and the girl will take it there. But I'm sure you ladies beg to differ.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Do You Think You're Funny?

You know, LOL rules apply to real time comedy...At least in my opinion.

If I don't literally laugh out loud, it's not funny. Unfortunately, comedy is subjective, so there are folks out there who inexplicably think Seinfeld isn't any good, let alone consider it the G.O.A.T of sitcoms as I do. And then, there are folks who don't have a single funny bone, but annoyingly persist in cracking flat jokes. There's nothing worse than an unfunny person who laughs at their own jokes. FYI: If you have to remind me, 'I'm funny," you probably aren't that comical.

I hate to pull the gender card, but women especially like to claim comedian. Not to say dudes don't, but girls I know-with a few exceptions of course- always wanna claim funny. See, it comes down to percentages like anything else. Hit one out of three baseballs, you'll definitely make the majors. Hit two jumpers out of five, you might could make the NBA. But one or even two out of five good jokes, not funny.

I guess this is a trick question really. You ever seen Dave Chappelle or Eddie Murphy say, "I'm funny?" Dudes can have the hugest egos, or be straight divas, but they're interestingly pretty humble about calling themselves funny. So, with that said. Do you think you're funny?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Michelle Obama Vs. Jessica Biel...

I usually have a specific point in mind when blogging, but bear with me here.
I'm still figuring this out as I go along, so it's moreso me searching for answers rather than taking a stance and then opening the floor like I usually do.

See, I always say I don't discriminate, but on second thought, I do. Sure, I've played in the snow before, but in retrospect, I always did because I had no other options. I won't go into specifics, but I remember having the option to "date" a black chick and a white chick at one time. The black chick was cute, but she wasn't screen saver material or anything. The white chick pretty much had her beat in every category (buttocks included), but I still leaned on the black girl just because.

Given the same scenario today, I'm not sure I'd come to the same conclusion. My boy Cash sent me photo of Jessica Biel (posted above) earlier today and it ruined my day. I found myself incapable of closing the window. Per our ASSymetric system, Biel is a 38. Special, but we may need to revise her caliber. Man, I'd love to take her to the gun range.

In any event, I got on AIM and started sharing God's work with a few of my friends. Then I sent it to a female friend of mine and joked that Jessica Biel was the future and that black women were in trouble if the average white chick started looking like her. Shoot! Professional athletes have been dating surf boards for years, if Biel became the norm, regular dudes may just start deffecting in increasing numbers. My friend had an interesting response, though. To let her tell it, black women shouldn't feel threatened because brothers were now looking for Michelle Obamas. Is that so?

I mean, pretty much every dude I know said they'd rather be nailing Sarah Palin than Obama, so I'm not convinced by my friend's claim. Sure, Palin's perceived as more of a jump off, but she's getting picked nonetheless. Barack's election is clearly gonna change the way black men are perceived. Allow me to be pedestrian once again. I'm thinking less black women are likely to contract jungle fever now. On the flip side, white women and any other ethnicities for that matter, probably have "birth mixed baby" in their one-year plans now.

But what about Michelle, what kind of impact is she making? I think an Essence editor recently wrote something about Michelle having a positive impact on the way black women will view themselves from now on. That's not the point my friend was making, though. She was saying that Michelle Obama types, (educated, intelligent, classy) are becoming more desirable to black men. Pardon the pessimism, but I don't think so. Dudes aren't about to switch from airheads to Michelles cause she's the first lady. Preferences will likely remain the same. Now, as much as I'd love to handle that 38., I honestly don't see myself going there. You know I just be talking junk. But let a NBA player get to pick between a Michelle and a Jessica Biel type? Do you think he's less likely to pick Jessica than he was before?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Black Friday Is Dangerous...

Not to generalize, but some of us black folks' financial priorities are pretty screwed up.

I've always been an impulsive shopper. Back in college I had a 40 inch white gold chain, but no car and no money in the bank. That's as dumb as it gets. Though I'm still somewhat impulsive, minus my Nike ID obsession over the past summer, the impulse never reaches red. I just had a relapse, though.

I had no intention on taking part in Black Friday until I bumped into my boy O on the train a few days prior. Apparently, Modells was selling the classic tan Timberlands with 50% off between 5 A.M. And 12 P.M. I'm long overdue on a Timbo re-up, so I figured I'd go and cop two pairs. Unfortunately, they didn't have any size 16 left...All right, all right! That's not my size. But since I put a buck and change aside for the Timbs, I somehow convinced myself to spend the doe on something else.

So I wandered into Banana Republic and they had 40% on sweaters and outerwear, among other things. They didn't have anything I liked, though, so I went to J Crew right across the street. I picked out a few reduced items only to find out there was a 30% sale off the discounted price. So, if a sweater was initially $79.99 and was later dropped to $59.99, you ended up copping it for $42. Good deal!

Next thing you know I'm in Circuit City losing my damn brain. I saw NBA 2K9 for $6.99. I was so unstable, I almost bought it and I don't even have a Playstation. I almost escaped without spending a dime, but then I saw Superbad on sale for $6. I look left and see this bucket with a bunch of Entourage seasons for only $14. Mind you, the TV DVDs usually run $40 to $50 depending on the season. They didn't have too many left, though, so I got in position and started boxing this Asian chick out. My old basketball coaches would have been proud. Thankfully, I copped me a few seasons and left without going to Macy's. I just don't think I could have survived that trip.

In the end, I spend a few extra dollars, but didn't go overboard. It was a close call, though. What about you guys? Bought anything? Went overboard?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Can Barack Obama Hail A Cab For Me?

Yes he can. I mean, I always send my light skinted friends to hail the cab, so I have no doubt Barack Obama can get one to stop.

Unless it's a tough area, my friends usually get a cab to stop within minutes. But I remember failing to get a cab for nearly an hour on a cold February or March night earlier this year. Obama had just come off an impressive primary win over Hillary Clinton and I couldn't help but think: "We may have a black president soon, but my black ass still can't catch no cab." Well, since it isn't cold yet. I'm bout to stand in the middle of Broadway and try to catch me a high yellow car just because. And I'll purposely do so when I have abso-freakin-lutely nowhere to go. And if a cabbie so happens to stop and asks me where I'm going, I'll simply reply, "Nowhere! I was just checking" before lifting my first up and adding, "OBAMA!"

But seriously, now that he's won, it's just gonna be interesting to see the dynamic between ethnicities, especially in a city as cosmopolitain as New York. As I've mentioned before, my neighborhood is mainly comprised of eastern europeans, a little bit of latinos (good looks on them votes, yo) and me, the black dude. So I'm trying to catch some shuteye last night and some drunken wigger kids are up playing sloppy basketball and screaming what else, "Obama!" This morning I drop my trash off and walk into what appears to be the tail end of a political conversation. This republiCAIN looking dude says something to the effect of, "It's a day like any other day" before getting his whispering on when he sees me. Minutes later, I come face-first with this older Russian dude who couldn't help but stare and give me the "I can't believe you niggers did it" look. I swear, dude looked like he wanted to Jesse Jackson my nuts, pause. Moments later, I'm on the train with my Obama newspapers and the vibe was different. Some just awkwardly looked away, others acted like I just graduated and gave me the "you must be proud" look.

What about you guys? What was the vibe like when you went to work this morning. I can live what happened today. It's no biggie. I just hope it doesn't get worse.

PS: It's no time for you negras to pull out folding chairs and start acting a monkey. It's really on now. And by the way, blaming the man is gonna be a tricky thing to do, so I suggest you get off your ass and do something. And don't think police ain't finna still shoot yo black ass neither.

Monday, November 3, 2008

What's The Big Deal About Dimples Anyway?

There are a few things that really get me hooked on a woman's pretty face: eyes, lips and teeth.

As previously mentioned...brown eyes> every other color. There are exceptions, but for the most part, I don't care for green and blue joints much. It's just too fancy for me and ya'll know I ain't into no fancy stuff. I like for eyes to be slanted, lips to be full and shapely (not just two mattresses) and teeth to be well mannered (not stepping on one another).

I probably should, but I never really pay attention to eyebrows. Let's not get it twisted, though. I'm not with unibrows and baldibrows. You know what I don't care for, though? Dimples! It's like freakin' dents. Big deal! Like, I don't understand why someone would point dimples out on the same level they do nice eyes. Mind you, I should love them since they're appreciated. I allegedly have dimples. At least, so I'm told. Phillies won!

The thing is, I have cheeks, pause, but not dimples. Actually I'm starting to second guess whether I know what the damn things are. I think I would know if I had holes in my cheeks,PAUSE². The bottom line is, having or not having dimples doesn't make you look better or worse. It's not like crazy eyes or disrespectul teeth.

What do you guys think? Anybody likes dimples? If so, what is it about them? What's the appeal?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Is She Pregnant, Or Just Sloppy?

I love how folks on the train are scared to look at one another.

We look at the promotional posters a million times over, look through the windows, stare at the floor, analyze somebody's sneakers, but we just won't look at one another. It's like an unwritten rule or something. So I'm on the train obeying the law earlier this week, being a space cadet when some chick's ass rudely brings me down to earth. You know I'm a face man, so I stretch my neck a bit to see who the ass belongs to. But before I even get to the face I notice this pouch just poking out of the girl's shirt.

The thing is, I couldn't figure out if she was pregnant, or sloppy. If she was preggers, I surely would have given her my seat. I mean, I would have waited a few minutes hoping somebody else gave it up first, but I would have given her my spot if necessary. I thought about just getting up and offering it to her just in case, but then again, why should I give up my seat cause this chick's Ballys membership expired? So like five minutes go by and nobody's budging, so I'm thinking this chick just likes to eat before going to bed a lot. The chick was also not wearing a jacket. I mean, she was holding it in her hand. I know we were indoors, but that jsut doesn't strike me ass preggers-ish.

The shape of her belly wasn't too prenant-like either. But what do me and a bunch of train commuters know? But here's what sealed the deal. There was a lady with a stroller right in front of her and she barely acknowleged it. Pregnant women, at least the ones who have accepted their conditions, just light up whenever they see babies. But this chick just glanced at it with a screw face and moved on. I'm thinking this chick is expecting nothing but food. Mind you she was standing up. Imagine how her joint would have looked sitting down. Damn it! I hope she was just sloppy.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Phillies Owe Me Money...

Phillies won!

No, really. I'm just not not giving a fruck about something. The Philadelphia Phillies are the world champions of Major League Baseball. And here's why they owe me money. If you read this blog, you may have noticed that I seem to say, "Phillies won" pretty randomly. As I explained earlier this summer, the saying is just another way to say you don't give a damn. Again, allow me to demonstrate.

Douche Bag: Carl, I get more girls than you.

Me: Phillies won!

The crazy thing is I probably couldn't have partook in the saying a few years back. Growing up, the Mets and the Expos were my teams. Shoot! I still remember going to my first game at Shae Stadium. It got rained out, though. But I fell out of love with baseball, so...Phillies won! I wish I could take credit for the saying, but Stewie from Family Guy is the originator. I wish I could take credit for introducing it to regular convos, but my boy Hobbs did. I sure will take credit for spreading the hell out of it, though. I also take partial credit for the Phillies winning the World Series.

I was looking at the standings earlier this summer and noticed that they were in first place. Me and the fellers used the saying so much, we were speaking it into existence for the Phillies. We were just putting great energy, Ruffian and a couple of my other homies be handsomely compensated. So next time one of ya'll see Jimmy Rollins tell him he better have my money.

Seriously, I better get a free hat or a Mike Schmidt jersey or something. And by the way, never ever try to counter Phillies won with the Mets lost, or Astros won. It just doesn't work.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Are Men Scared Of Short-Hair Women?

I've never had a problem with short hair.

It's basically like anything else. Some women can pull it off and some can't. I've even seen some gorgeous women with very light ceasars. In their cases, though, their features were pretty flawless, so it worked. I wouldn't advise a woman with a rather large chin and nose to get a Julius. Then again, to each his/her own.

I actually prefer short hair on certain women. Halle Berry, as far as I'm concerned, looks that much better with the shorter do. And while Nia Long looked incredible with the long locks in Love Jones, I think I like her better with the shorter style. Still, us men sort of fear short hair. This girl I liked back in high school had hair down to her back. I remember her pondering on whether or not to drastically cut it. I supported her decision, but deep down I was worried that she may just not be able to pull it off. Sure enough, she did. Mind you, I like short hair, but I somehow wasn't too crazy about the short hair idea. I got sorta nervous.

On the flip side, some men just aren't attracted to short-hair women. I remember debating about this particular short-hair gal with one of my homies not too long ago. We both agreed that she had a cute face, was a great dresser and a great body. Still, my boy just couldn't get past the cut. "I just don't like her hair, though," he confessed.

I'm starting to think men are somewhat uncomfortable with havin longer hair then women, at least the brothers who don't have braids. Shoot! I pretty much had longer hair than all the women I dated during my cornrows stage, even the ones with long hair. My hair wasn't even that long. It was down to my shoulders. But I digress. A friend of mine recently told me that her guy pal strongly advised against cutting her hair. "Nooooo. Have you lost your mind," the guy friend said. Funny how some of us won't tolerate short hair, but then poke fun at the sistahs for having weaves.

Fellers, what do you say? Is my friend's friend a minority? Do we like short hair? If we don't, then why? I dare any man to tell me Halle isn't gorgeous with a short do.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I hope She Doesn't Pick Up...

Everytime I think I'm revealing something a little off, you guys jump in the comment section to let me know you're experiencing something similar.

Well, I could be onto something else. You ever called someone and hope they didn't pick up? It doesn't even have to be a dating type of setting. I personally don't like to avoid people (I think I just lied), but I'm also too much of a punk to just say, "Listen, I really don't feel like talking to you right now and I probably won't feel like it tomorrow or the day after." I know. It's messed up. But I'm just being honest.

Here's a scenario. You haven't talked to this guy/girl in maybe a month and you bump into him/her at a party. Here's the thing, if you have to remind yourself to call somebody, you should probably just give up on the idea. And here's another thing. In this particular scenario, she/he always calls. You, never do. Sometimes it's hard to pin point why you aren't phone-friendly. You just aren't. So it goes a little something like this...

Carl's Friend: Ayo! There goes Vicky over there!

Me: Where? [ Dives behind couch]

***5 Minutes Later***

Vicky: [Taps on my shoulder]

Me: Hhheyyyyyy!

Vicky: How you been?

Me: [Looking all over the place] I've been good.

Vicky: You look nice.

Me: Thanks!

Vicky: What you been up to?

Me: Mostly work. It's been crazy.

Vicky: How long has it been?

Me: I don't know. A long time?

Vicky: Well, it's so nice to see you. We should hang out.

Me: Y...yeah!

What a punk! Since I hurt myself diving the first time, I make it my business to call. That way, the next time you see him/her, you can be like, "I called you." So you call and borderline have your fingers crossed for him/her not to pick up as the phone is ringing. If he/she doesn't, you're good. He/she can call back later, but it doesn't matter. You called once and can pretty much milk it. The next time you see him/her, you just turn the tables and be like, "I called you, but you didn't pick up."

So, am I finally off, or have you guys ever felt the same way?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Love Black People, But I Can't Stand Niggers...

I say this every now and then when I see black folks acting a monkey. And I do so unapolegetically.

Some of you may have noticed that I don't use the N-word. I may quote it, playfully say negro or negra, but I don't actually use it. I don't think I deserve a cookie or anything. That's just me. The thing is, I've been called that word in its integral context one too many times to consider it a term of endearment. I must have been 6 or 7 when it first happened. Mind you, I was insulted by my peers, which is pretty sad when you think about it. It's scary to think that kids know to use such a powerful slur at such an early age.

If it wasn't the N-word, I got asked some of the dumbest questions you couldn't imagine. This white girl once asked me if my Dick Johnson was also black like the rest of my body, numerous kids have asked me if I wish I was white. The list goes on. Some were genuinely racist, but others just didn't know any better. After all, some folks' only glimpse into the Black experience comes from rappers, black actors, athletes and the freaking news paper. Not always the best look. I'm telling you, if it's not one thing, it's another.This guy in High School used to ask me why I didn't walk with a limp. He was a pure wigger. At times, it's as if he thought he was blacker than me. His reference? Why, the TV and a couple of rap videos of course.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Young Afro-Americans depicted in the media are the black men's poster children worldwide. So there's a chance the only black kid in an Australian, Canadian or French (or even some parts of the U.S.) school is expected to walk with a limp, talk loud, carry a gun, dance well, speak badly, etc. etc. Hell! They expect you to do that in New York City. But having been through something similar, I despise stereotypes to this day. That may just be the only instance in which I'll use the N-word. To point out some niggeRs.

Before going any further, I must stress how beautiful my black folks are. There's nothing like being around black folks feeling it in church, or to see my people celebrating at a wedding. Perhaps one of the most incredible experience I had was college graduation. I remember walking and seeing every black person look at me and nod. They didn't know me from a hole in the wall, but the look on their face and the nod said it all. They were proud of me. It was an incredible feeling.

I love black people, but I can't stand niggers. There's this thing I have a hard time explaining. Ignorant niggers have this look in their eyes when they're talking shit. Notice I'm not censoring myself as I usually do. So these ignorant niggers be talking shit with a stare so blank you'd swear they're cross-eyed. My homie Jayson sent me a clip earlier today that had me shaking my head in shame. The clip could be old, but that's not the point. It features these dudes "battling" in what could be the projects. The lead niggorant character keeps referring to the area as Tha Carter (not the New Jack City building). Perhaps some of you are familiar with it. I don't know why they were trying to battle, cause they clearly weren't rappers. Here's an excerpt from the main dude.

"Fuck all the talkin', he's tryin' to do that nice guy shit/You come to The Carter, you gon leave with your life and shit/I keep a bad bitch sucking on my dick and shit/You got a problem, I will fuck you up, word to my momma and shit" -Niggorant Dude

What the hell is he talking about? First off, grouped together, "and shit" are the most two useless words in the english language. There's no need for me to say, "I'm writing a blog and shit." The point is already made by "blog," so no need to add "and shit." Anyway, take a look at the clip and watch how niggorant it gets.

I swear, I take this stuff personal. Like, it pisses me off. But let's be honest. There isn't much I can do. Still, I love black people, but I can't stand niggers.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Keep Meeting The Same Girl Over And Over...

I tend to meet the same type of women.

Unfortunately, it may say a lot about me and since I'm poultry prone, I guess I should be ashamed of myself. Good thing I always walk around with my inhaler. But there always seems to be a pattern with the women I meet. For instance, every single woman I've met in the past month has either been from Harlem or The Bronx. I won't give you a number, but it's enough to be an interesting coincidence. Mind you, I mostly hang out in Brooklyn, but I still meet chicks from up there. I guess it won't do me much good since I hate going past 60th street.

But I seem to always go through phases. At one point, every woman I met had a man. I went through two patterns during my College/Red Lobster days. At one point, I kept meeting girls from Long Island University. Before that, it was single Haitian mothers from Canarsie up in Brooklyn. That's a pretty specific pattern.

As a teenager, I went through a long ass Melanie phase. The encounters were pretty spaced out, but I met an insane amount of Melanies at the time. Actually, the ex I mentioned in last night's blog was a Melanie. And of course, I've met my share of pelicans, ostriches, doves, swans, ducks, canaries and woodpeckers over the years. Atchoo!

What about you guys? Do you seem to always run into a particular type? Any patterns? I'm waiting on my Paula Patton look-a-like phase. Fingers crossed.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I'm Over My Ex, But...

This happened to me a while back, but my homie brought it up not too long ago.

"Has one of your exes ever gotten married?" he asked. "It messes with your head," I immediately replied. His thoughts exactly. A few years back, my sister told me one of my ex girlfriends stopped by her job and revealed her engagement to some dude. I was happy for her, but it felt a bit weird.

At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. It's not that I wasn't over her. I mean, looking back at the relationship, I made bad decisions, but my mindset has changed since then. I was the breaker, so it wasn't about feeling replaced by the next man. I think I was going through more of a "what if" moment. What if I didn't break up with her? We may have been married by now. Kids? Who knows. Maybe it's a reminder of a path you nearly escaped or missed out on depending on your current page. That feeling is long gone now.

On the flip side, another ex of mine told me some dude she was seeing for only a few months proposed, last year. Only this time, I didn't start pondering on lost possibilities. Perhaps because in this instance, the only bad decision I made was to not break up with her earlier. We weren't even on good terms when she broke the news. Still, I wished her the best and kept it moving. But women being women, she later shared her discontent with me being happy for her rather than jealous. Sidebar: They never got married.

Other than that, this girl I used to mess with now has a daughter. We never were in an actual relationship, but the time frame between her getting pregnant and us fooling around was somewhat close. So that kinda hit me. When they found out, my boys Ed and Fred started teasing me about the kid being mine. But before you jump on their bandwagon, know we never had any close calls so...

What about you guys? Ever learned about an ex getting married, having kids and being like, "Damn!" Why do we care what our 5, 7 year-old exes do?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That Barack Obama Got A Mean Jab...

I just rushed home from the gym to catch the Final Presidential Debate on CNN.

Thankfully, there's still an hour to go. I know how critical this election is, but I can't help but analyze the interaction between Barack Obama and John McCain with a superficial eye. I must say, McCain is looking just horrible. I mean, not only does he look like a cheap Halloween mask, he's just a horrible debater in my opinion.

First off, why does he blink so much? I swear, I think his old ass is dozing off and keeps flapping them lashes to hide deadly fatigue. I'm waiting on his neck to lean sideways any minute. Secondly, why is McCain so mad? I mean, look at him. He's just standing there boiling, just about a question away from physically stepping to Obama. The pressure must be tremendous, but dude just isn't showing composure. He visibly gets frustrated at Obama's responses, tries to chime in out-of-turn and keeps...Oh shoot! I think he neck just sagged.

On the flip side, Obama is just so calm and collected. While McCain's blinking away, Obama is just sitting there calmly shaking his head, smiling and slowly waiting his turn. That's when the jab comes in. At one point, McCain kept complaining about his feelings being hurt about an allegation made by a Democratic Congressman. Obama subtly jabbed McCain, saying something like, "I don't think the country cares about our feelings being hurt, they're concerned about how we're gonna fix the economy." Slick! He played him. Sorry for breaking down politics to such a pedestrian level. I just couldn't help it.

Anyway, I need to get back. But it'll be over by the time you guys read this. What are you guys thinking? How did the two candidates look in the debates?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Is Anybody Else Scared?

I don't even know where to start, man.

I just took a few days off from the job. I haven't taken a freakin' day off this whole year, so I needed some time to just chill. I went to my sister's house in La Terriere. It's a nice little quiet spot up in Quebec, Canada. Those of you who like nature would love it. It's pretty secluded from everything else, nothing around but trees and stuff. It's the perfect getaway spot. Well, almost. I'm allergic to something in the area. Apparently, my body only functions well where pollution and rodents are omnipresent. Anyway, her man built the freakin' house from scratch. Quite impressive! I just basically slept and played with my nieces and nephews the entire weekend.

I got away, but the blackberry always a reminder of what's waiting at home. I found out that one of my homies got laid off. Firings just seem to be happening at an alarming rate right now. I mean, it's to be expected. We apparently haven't seen the worst of the recession. You just can't help but feel horrible when it happens, though. It makes folks appreciate crappy jobs they complain about. At least you got a damn job.

Time off also means you usually eat a little less healthy. Well, I always eat a little less healthy. My lack of discipline doesn't help either, but I'm working on it. I came back home to a few wake-up calls. I bumped into my super this morning. He's in a wheelchair now. He's been in and out of the hospital for some time, but something happened with his right leg, so they had to cut it off. I'm watching Entourage earlier tonight and Allen, a reccuring character on the show, died of a heart attack. I logged online just about an hour ago to learn about a 19-year-old Ranger prospect dying of a heart attack. He was 19 freakin' years old.

I mean, deaths come in threes. We'll sadly be hearing about somebody else a few weeks from now. It just feels like scary times, though. Maybe it's just me, but I'll rather be safe than sorry. I gotta get back on that tredmill on a more consistent basis, even if it means running into liberated fa'nooks, not that there's anything wrong with that, in the gym locker room. On top of that, I gotta finish my veggies and leave that damn Ice Cream Sandwich Ice Cream from Edy's, alone. Hibernation season is upon me too. I'm going to Jackson's party this week. I'm sure I'll be wearing my Average Joe outfit somewhere for Hollyween, but now is a time for moderation. It's time to save some safety pennies and get familiar with my living room just in case. Hopefully, I'm not just talking junk. Is anybody else scared?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Don't Run Up On Me, You Might Get Kimbo Sliced....

Those of you who know me already know this. I pretty much live in my own world.

I stroll around walking into walls. Walk nose-deep into a magazine and actually stop at red lights and intersections with my head still down, pause. Every now and then I read about pedestrians being killed by curb-jumping cars and try to snap out of it. But a few days later, it's back to my old ways.

I remember being on the phone with my boy Mark while somebody got shot about 30 feet from me at the laundromat. I didn't panic. But that's actually a bad thing. I just stood there and actually started walking towards the victim. SMH! It loosely went a little something like this.



Me[To Mark]: Something is going on on the block. I see these two dudes running.

[Me [Slowly Walking]: Dude! I think somebody just got shot.

[Me [Walking closer to the action]: Oh shoot! Somebody did get shot. Let me call you back.

I stayed around the scene for a minute, reminded myself that I need to be more alert and again went back to my old habits a few days later. But I need to snap out of it once and for all. I need to be like this guy. The homie Maurice Garland just sent me this clip of this kid promptly decking some goof who tried to scare him by popping out of a dumpster. Dude! No hesitation. He punched him in the mask and immediately put his guard up. Incredible! See for yourself.

Never Suprise a Blackman - Comedy (Real Funny) - I dont know

I probably would have turned around, looked at him and then resumed the interview. How do you guys think you'd react to a similar scenario?

Songs I Love, But Can't Sing Along To...

Hall & Oates...

I swear I must burn calories when I clean out my apartment.

I was scrubbing, dusting and sweeping earlier this week and had Hall & Oates, Michael McDonald, Phill Collins, Madonna, Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston blaring out the speakers. [Blogger's Note: I just realized Houston is the only non-white artist I just listed.] I really get into it when cleaning. I'm Sheryl Crow two-stepping, making up silly moves and singing out loud. I'm performing, man. At least until the wrong (right) song comes on.

Whitney Houston...

So my Whitney Houston segment is nearing its end when "I'm Every Woman" comes on. I loves that song. Much respect due to Chaka Khan, but I think it's one of the rare instances where the remake surpassed the original. It's an incredible song, an incredible song I can't sing along to. Well, at least the intro, the chorus and the outro. "I'm every woman, it's all in me." Picture me singing that.

But wait, there are many more. Remember Karyn White's "Superwoman?" Incredible! But it just wouldn't make sense coming from me.

Early every morning
I put breakfast on your table
And make sure that your coffee
Has its sugar and cream
So far, so good. I look like a woman's dream man cooking her breakfast and stuff.

Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly

Yeaaaah, girl! I cooks a mean omelette. I is nasty with spatula.

All that's missing is that morning kiss
That you used to greet me

Now you say the juice is sour
It used to be so sweet
And I can't help, but to wonder
If your talking about me

Ok! I think the juice part may need a pause coming from me, but the rest still works.

She then goes on, "I have my pride, I will no cry. But it's making me weak" before declaring, "I'm not your superwoman." That just doesn't work for me. I mean, it really isn't that serious. But it's kinda funny that I turn mute whenever that part comes on. I may skip gender specific lyrics, but I've shower sung along a few women empowerment singles. I remember hitting the Heart Of The City concert with Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige. MJB went into her classics and we just lost it. I'm looking around and every dude, me and my homies included, are singing along to "Not Gon Cry." It was nuts. The funny thing is we ended up reciting borderline male bashing songs. Oh well!

Maybe some of you girls think Khia's too nasty to sing along to "My Neck, My Back." Then again, maybe some of ya'll are trying to send a message. Is there any song you love, but just can't sing along to? It may not be for content reason. To this day, I can't remember CL Smooth's lyrics on "They Reminisce Over You." I don't know why. I love that song and heard it a million times, but I just know a little bit of it. What about you guys?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Can A Man Find Another Man Attractive (Pause)?

Duh! That's why there's seemingly more fa'nooks than straight dudes nowadays. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Shoot! More girls for the rest of us.

But I'm talking about a straight man finding another man attractive. So, the same girl who asked me about the freakin Hills, asked me if I had any cute friends the other day."No clue," I responded shrugging my shoulders. "Girls say girls are pretty all the time, why can't you guys say it," she countered. "Well, actually guys say girls are pretty all the time too," I replied. I knew what she meant, though. Dude, I really think she was serious. Like, she was really waiting for an explanation. I think she still may be waiting as we speak.

As homophobic as some of us dudes can be, there are always settings in which we're more comfortable complimenting or receiving compliments from other men. For instance, it's no issue coming from our pops, uncles, brothers, cousins or even some close (gotta pause) friends, but that's just about where it stops. Like, you could be seeing your cousin for the first time in a while and tell him, "You're looking good, man." Like, it's appropriate in certain scenarios, but becomes questionable when it's a bit too random. It's not like running around calling dudes cute or anything. I went out for my boy Sam please say the Ed's birthday not too long ago and this dude at the bar told me, "Yo! I'm straight as fuck, but you a good looking dude." It kinda bothered me at first, but dude didn't seem too fa'nooky, (not that there's anything wrong with that) so that's probably why I stayed calm. He was clearly a humping-everything-that-moves hoe chasing type, so I just brushed it off. He started introducing me to all types of pelicans, so I think he wanted us to tag team on some fried chicken.

See, for the most part, men (me included) will never admit it, but we do know when another man's attractive, or not. We just won't say it. We'll call a friend a pretty boy. That's an indirect way of acknowledging his good looks. If a female friend brings up another man's good looks, we may say, "I can't front" or "yea, he's doing his thing." Mind you, how in the hell is a man doing his thing. We're discussing looks, here. But keeping it vague keeps us comfortable, so that's what we do. We'll call a man ugly, which means we must know what a good looking man is by default. For example, I remember being on the phone with this shorty one time and she asked me if I had any single friends. My boy, who is a cool dude, but so happens to be facially challenged, overheard the question and inquired about a potential hook-up. So when the "is he cute" question came up, I handed him the phone and let him sell himself. See, the Hills chick's friend wasn't cute, so I wasn't about to do one of my boys like that, pause. On the flip side, I'm realistic when it comes to my boys. If someone wants to get hooked up, I know which ones are likely to get the better response.That's another indicator.

Any of you fellers care to take the extreme route and disagree with my theory? What are the ladies thinking? Take it away...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Does Anybody Else Watch The Hills?

Lauren Conrad(The Hills)

Some of these girly girls say the darndest things and I can't get over it.

Like, I wouldn't ask about last night's game or even bring up basketball to a girl who clearly isn't into sports. Yo! This chick recently asked me, "Do you watch The Hills?" Dude! Do I look like I watch the freakin' Hills? I mean, you never know. I'm just saying.

Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach)

Now, MTV is one of my default channels, and I admit I've unsuccessfully tried watching Laguna Beach, The Hills'predecessor, a few times. I just never made it past a few minutes. I just don't get it. Like, what the hell is going on? I mean, my sister got me hooked on Days Of Our Lives a while back and my ex hooked me on Desperate Housewives, which I still watch, but The Hills? Not so much. Sidebar: Kirsten Cavilari > Lauren Conrad.

Anyway, I've been absolutely intolerant of that show. It usually flip the channel within a few seconds. Get this, though. The chick (she was black in case you're wondering) didn't believe me when I said I didn't watch the show. ?????????????I'd understand her reasoning if I told her about my unusal TV habits beforehand, but for her to so stubbornly imply that I was a closet Hills follower was a bit odd. She also argued that The Hills wasn't a "girl" show. While I'm sure some dudes watch the show, I'm ready the bet its audience is primarily comprised of women.

For some reason, I've had a hard time escaping the show since that conversation. It seems to be on everytime I turn to MTV and it just seems like everybody and their baby mommas is talking about it. So, is the show that big? Any of you fellers watch that crap? Can somebody explain to me what the hell the show is about?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Yes! I Went Shoe Shopping At Macy*s...

This blog has to be balanced. If I speak on my zero bird tolerance policy, I should also share times women had me acting way out of character.

See, I bring up Stacey Dash and Reagan Gomez jokingly, but most of you take it seriously. Sidebar: Everyday Women > Hollywood Celebrities. Anyway, there's this girl I really liked at one point. She was actually the first girl I liked in a minute. I'd go on longer lunch breaks just to meet her for a few minutes, but I liked her so it was worth it.

As macho as I can be, I'm not opposed to chick flicks. When Harry Met Sally is a freakin'classic. I may consider seeing a Tyler Perry flick for the right shorty. But shoe shopping? Uh huh! Pftttt! I don’t even go shoe shopping with my sisters. I surely would have laughed at dudes shoe shopping right until shorty asked me: "You wanna go to Macy*s with me?”

See, she said it half jokingly, and I don’t think she expected me to say yes. But I felt like seeing her, so I was with it. I won’t lie, I caught myself off guard and kinda thought, “Shoe shopping, really?” I think she knew it was out of character, so she gave me an opportunity to weasel out of it. But hey…I said I would go, so I went.

You should have seen me all paranoid and constantly scoping Macy*s' perimeter. I would purposely trail behind in case somebody saw me. That way, I could pretend I just conveniently got lost on the women’s shoes floor. I had it all covered. If I got caught, I’d just randomly yell out, “Can somebody please tell me where the freakin' Polo section is? Gosh! I can't get no help around here. Oh, what up, Mark?” I couldn’t focus when she asked for my opinion, ‘cause I was too busy looking out.

Sherri Shepperd (The View)

We even saw Sherri Shepperd from The View buying shoes there. Poor thing! She was just looking around waiting for people to recognize her. She must have known I was being paranoid. She gave me the, “What the fruck are you doing here?” look. And then it happened. I’m slowly trailing my lady friend when I suddenly see a former female co-worker. Dude, I plunged behind the couch ASAP. Ok, maybe not, but I spun around and kinda hid behind one.

Anyhow, I don’t expect the fellers to start sharing shoe shopping experiences, but I’ll ask anyway. You know, it’s not accurate to call it out of character, because if I got married or had a girlfriend, I’d definitely go shoe shopping with her (as little as possible). I mean, that’s what compromise is all about, right? You don’t necessarily go because you want to, but you want to because it makes her happy. Then when she asks you, "Did you have fun" you tell her you had a "fabulous" (pause) time. But, at the time, being that we weren’t on a Macy*s level, it was sort of out of character. So, any of you fellers gonna come clean about similar experiences? Ladies, has a guy you dated ever agreed to doing something that sort of surprised you?

Ok, now back to our regular bird ranting and pelican bashing program. :) I kid, I kid!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Decidation To The Suckers: To Trick Or Not To Trick?

To trick or not to trick? That's not even a question. I don't love them hoes.

FYI. I don't call women the B-word, but I do throw H's up for a particular breed. If you go out with dudes you don't like just to get some free food, then you is an ostrich and might could be a prositute. See, this blog is all in fun, but I'm the victim of terrorist attacks in the comment section every now and then. Just last week, my friend Janee called me "cheap" for saying I'd let a woman who invited me on a "business" lunch pay for her own burger. Anslem over at Naked With Socks On, co-signed. But I recall all agreeing that whoever invites picks up the check, so I'm not sure how I ended up being criticized there. Let's be fair, here. I'm all for picking up tabs on dates and all, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. Are men supposed to pay for anything involving women regardless of the scenario? You know what. To some extent, I can't even be mad at women for expecting it. These suckers got some of ya'll spoiled.

Per my homegirls, the guys they hang out with, be it boyfriends, dates, side pieces, colleagues co-workers, or even platonic friends, always pick up the bill. But then my punk ass comes along and says no to everything suckers agree to. And that's the problem. Too many women can't stand when a man isn't sweating them, or doesn't do what she expects them to do, especially when these lollipop ass negros jump whenever a hop is requested, not required.

Marty Mcfly & Dr. Emmett Brown (Back To The Future)

My homie Kevin L. Clark always tells me "I'm too cool for school" when it comes to women. Earlier today, he told me, "You have game...You're just the Marty McFly of that shit." Sidebar: I don't believe in "game," but thanks Kev. In case some of you forgot Marty McFly is Michael J. Fox's character in the Back To The Future series. The ladies, including his moms, lovededed him, but he wasn't sweating it. Kev is onto something, though. It's not that I don't want to pay. But I'm sucker-free and never had a hard time meeting women, so why would I start dust-busting now just because? It just has to make sense to me.

I was curious to see what others thought, so I hit a few of my homies to see what their thoughts were. I would have asked Kev, but he asked a woman to pay for the tip on a date, soooooo... One of my homegirls said men pay for her everytime, even platonic friends. She explained that, while they're strictly friendly, men pay because they want "that leverage." I think I get it. It's like the guy you clearly tell you're not interested in, but he insists on taking you out. Dude is actually good company, so you guys keep hanging. And while you're on a platonic level, there is an attraction on his end, so if it was ever to go there, he has some leverage? No? The truth is, dude's intentions probably never changed. He's sticking around hoping you change your mind. He's kinda tricking actually, showing you he'll do what punks like Carl won't do for you. I personally am not looking for any leverage, so I strongly oppose the notion that I'm expected to pay for a platonic female friend. Here's a bit of the exchange my friend and I had.

Me: My boy said if me and my dude friend, pause, go bowling I'm not paying for his shoes.

My Friend: You're right.You wouldn't pay for your guy friend's shoes,
but your guy friend doesn't have boobs,doesn't smell good...

Me: So what, friend? We're friends.

My Friend: Isn't fun to just accidentally brush up against now and then
you're paying because of what a woman is.

Me: Oh hell no! Even when friends?

My friend: If u guys go out all the time, then maybe not.But if it's like someone you genuinely enjoy being around why not? It should make you feel like more of a man
to be able to pay.

Me: But we're frriiiiiiieeeeennnnnnndddddsssss!!

I then took the exchange to my dude Gooch and he just took me to church.

"We are friends. And if we so happen to fuck, then it's a friend fuck. Unless a chick has a hedge fund attached to her pussy, it ain't worth it." --Gooch

Meanwhile, my other female friend interestingly also disagreed with her counterpart. "What the fuck? You're friend is crazy...and cheap," she chimed in.

You know what? Who is being cheap, really? The dude who isn't paying for a platonic female friend who invited him to dinner, or the woman who expects him to pay? The guy who doesn't buy a perfect stranger a drink, or the girl who goes to clubs expecting men to pay for all her drinks? I’ve made no secret about my No Drinks policy. I won’t offer drinks to women I just met at a bar. I’ve actually never done it. I won’t believe a guy who tells me he has no ulterior motive for it either. Chances are, it’s their way of getting her attention, or feel she's most likely to give her number that way. You're doing to get some kind of result. Who knows? Not me. I do know some of my homegirls have gotten free drinks from dudes and then handed them to me. I got tipsy on many a sucker, pause.

What do you guys think? Careful now, fellers. You don't wanna come off as the sucker who buys dinner and drinks for a girl who doesn't like him and leaves the "date" to go to one of my boy's house. Speak on it!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Curly Hair Vs. Straight Hair...

I've been meaning to do more of those. I blogged about Clean Cut Vs. Scruffy
and Short Vs. Tall Girls a while back. I was surprised at how many women preferred the scruffy look. Well, fellers, it's our turn to weigh in...sort of.

Word on the street (AKA the BET offices) was that I had a thing for light skinted girls with curly hair. I don't know where they got that from, but ask most of my curly-haired female friends and they'll tell you I prefer the straight look. I usually tell them they should straighten their hair more often. Now, don't none of you negras start giving me a hard time about being conditioned. I myself kept the curls in my long hair don't care days. I never could pull off an Ice-T look.

Anyway, most of my dude friends actually seem to love the curls, but per this article in Latina Magazine, which so happens to feature my homie Mariel and her twin sister, guys typically go for the straight locks. I personally feel like the curls just aren't for everybody. Some girls just don't rock it as well as others, be it natural curls or not. Sidebar: Girls like yesterday's topic, Reagan Gomez-Preston, just look good no matter how they rock their hair. She could be bald for all I care and still look good.

So, fellers, what's your preference? Straight hair? Curly hair? Phillies won? Ladies, for those of you who alternate between curly and straight locks. Does one particular look generate more attention?

Monday, September 29, 2008

I Don't Have A Type, But...

Reagan Gomez-Preston...

I don't have a type, but this is as close as it gets. My homeboy B. Dot just sent me this and now I can't focus at work, so I just had to blog about it.

I often struggle to describe what I mean by "simple beauty," but I think this is "it." She is gorgeous, but it's not an over the top movie star beauty. She is sexy, but even with the shirt open and all, she doesn't look cheap or slutty. Plus I like short girls (she is like 5' 3") so she's right up my alley. In case some of you don't recognize Mrs. Gomez-Preston (tears), she is Zaria from The Parenthood. yup!

Forget Stacey Dash, I'll break all my rules for Reagan. I will hold her hand in public. When I told the modest bastard how fond I was of Reagan, he inquired, "even with the kid?" As I told him, I'd buy the kid a Christmas gift every month. I'll be a stay home step dad. Man, she is so bad. I would stay with her even if she's crazy. I may even consider letting her win when we go bowling. Ok, ok, my brain is fried. Take away the comment section, guys.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

"Let's Do Lunch"

[Blogger's note: This one is for all my industry folks, but I hope the rest of ya'll enjoy it too.]

I realized something while discussing industry dating with my homegirl earlier today. I have never we should do lunch-ed somebody. And I'm sure glad I haven't.

For the record, the following only applies to new industry acquaintances. Asking a woman you just met to lunch seems to be the new let's go out on a date (for losers). Just like let me get your business card is the old I got that girl's number (for losers). I personally don't date industry women. Some of them are pretty bad, I've had opportunities and I've been tempted, but I just don't wanna go there. It just seems like a freakin' headache. Could it be a coincidence that I don't date industry women and have yet to "innocently" tell an industry chick we should lunch? Me think not.

One one of my homegirls told me she never picked up the check after a lunch. Sounds like a dating rule to me. First they pick up the bill, next thing you know they're texting you at borderline booty call hours. And to think it all started under the pretense of a business meeting. What's wack is that some dudes seem to be purposely blurring the lines, so they can fall back and pull the business card (no pun intended) should the girl bring up boundaries. I ain't trying to holler, we just chopping it up. Something of that nature.

Take this writer I know for example. She met this DJ and eventually had lunch with him. He picked up the tab of course. Anyway, the DJ soon began texting her increasingly. It eventually got out of hand, so she told dude it was inappropriate for him to text so frequently because she was seeing somone. Now, the DJ did compliment her looks and all, bur he never made a clear play. He could easily pull a My bad, I thought we was cool. Even worse, the next time he's with the homies, he may just bad mouth shorty to save face, talking about, Yo, that girl came out her face and made it seem like I wanted to holler. We only had lunch and shit.

So ladies, have business lunches with men become dates of sorts? Take the writer for example. Having been in similar scenarios before, should she have known this case would be no different? If so, was she wrong for bringing up the relationship when she agreed to lunch that she knew may have been construed as a date in the first place? I can actually relate, though. If an industry girl invites me to lunch (her ass is definitely paying for that burger) or wants to hang out, I also won't assume she wants to date.

Well, I don't date in the industry, but I'm sure some of you do? If so, how was the experience? Would you do it again? Don't be scared. You can be anonymous. Feel free to discuss all of the above.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Nice Guys Are the Biggest Assholes (Pause)

I'm either a nice guy or an asshole, pause, depending who you ask.

The funny thing is, whoever thinks I'm a nice guy has a hard time picturing me as an asshole, pause, and vice versa. I'm actually both. I start out nice (almost) every time. But if the situation calls for it, the dickhead, pause, comes out.

Up until recently, I've been pretty quiet about it, but we've been trying to overcome a pretty tense situation at work. While most showed their frustrations, I remained poker face. With everybody seemingly having an attitude, somebody Interestingly referred to me as "bubbly." They clearly perceived me to be the nice guy. Maybe I need to stop smiling so damn much. What they didn't know is that I was about one meeting away from shoving a pencil sharpener up somebody's pooper, pause. Again, I don't show teeth when the situation calls for It. I'll be bigger penis, pause. Don't make this a piss test. I piss it out of the freakin' park.

Little do you know, I got a chance to briefly exercise my assholism at the gym last night. Well, I just did a few reps and called it a day. Me and Jesus got on two tredmills next to one another, but mine was broke. But since he only planned to warm up a bit before his session, he told me to just jump on his (pause) after he's done. Mind you, there wasn't a soul waiting for treadmills when we got there. I saw at least two machines open up while Jesus was warming up, but I just stayed put so I can chop it up with the homie. So he finally gets off and I see this alleged carpet muncher approach. "Excuse me, I was already waiting for this one," I revealed while stepping on the tred. The muncher initially didn't say anything, but quickly changed her tune when she noticed that no other machine was available.

Alleged Carpet Muncher: But people were waiting.

Me: I was waiting too. I was just standing on this tredmill.

ACM: The line is over there though. You just got here. It's common sense.

Me: Ok! This conversation is over. Mind your business.

ACM: [Charlie Brown Teacher Talks For 1 minute]

Me: Enjoy your work out.

ACM: The line was there. It's common sense.

Me: How would you know that? You don't have any common sense.

ACM: Why don't you mind your business?

Me: I've been trying to for the past five minutes, but you keep trying to talk to me.

At this point Jesus should have co-signed and told the muncher I had been waiting. But noooooooooooooo! He was too busy smirking at the exchange.

ACM: You bastard!

Me: ...

ACM: ...Motherfucka!

Me: [Sarcastically] Wow! You called me a motherfucka. Enjoy your workout. [Puts headphones in]

ACM: *@"¥€£¤{%!

Me: [Points at headphones]

ACM: [To Jesus] Tell him he's a dick wad.

I could have been a much bigger dick to her, pause, due to her adam's apple. I guess I didn't feel like really going in, pause. Then again, part of me wanted her to cross a line, so I could really cuss her out. All to say, don't sleep on nice guys. They're probably the biggest assholes.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

She's Bad, But She's In A Wheelchair...

I'm mad Waiting came out before I had a chance to document my Red Lobster days in a film. I'm talking about the Red by Green Acres Mall in Valley Streams, LI by the way. It used to be world famous or something.

I've seen some things in there. I don't know what it is about shrimps and crab legs, but folks used to wait in line for up to two, three hours just to get a table during the good days. I've seen fights in the lobby, armed security guards get two-pieced and learned that one of the cooks got shot in the parking lot after his shift one night. But for all the drama, the best thing about the job was the shorties, the ones who worked there and the guests of course. It was like a freakin' club on Saturdays. The talent pool was so deep, I mostly met chicks while on the job at one point.

By the way, I was a host, not a waiter. There's no way I could have dealt with these asshole customers. I would have gotten fired quick. One of the most memorable guest I sat was actually this bad ass shorty in a wheelchair. It sounds silly, but I had never seen an attractive woman in a wheelchair before. I couldn't help but stare. She was that bad. She actually kept giving me a pretty inviting smile everytime I walked by, but I wasn't about to try and talk to her. I didn't have a car. Picture me telling her to meet me at the Jamaica Avenue train station. Besides, it just felt weird.

The funny thing is, she came back a few months later and one of the waiters claimed his man beat. Apparently, she was a jump and had been around the block a few times. Interesting! So here are the questions du jour. Every been attracted to someone in a wheelchair? Ever dated someone in a wheelchair? Would you date someone in a wheelchair, or a person with some type of handicap? True story, I remember dancing with a girl who had one hand a few years back. The thing is, I didn't notice until later. We were cracking jokes later in the evening when my hand brushed against hers. I momentarily froze, but then got right back to the jokes so she wouldn't feel bad. We actually became cool. That's just about the closest I came to dating someone with some sort of disability. I wonder what part of the block the Red Lobster shorty is on now.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

If I Was Anslem Samuel...

Hungry "Anslem" Samuel...

First off, if Anslem looked like me, he'd prolly get a lot more hoes, so keeping up with his fast would be the least of his worries. I kid. I kid.

But seriously, if you're not familiar with Anslem, he's one of my co-workers at XXL Magazine. He's also featured in my Funky Blog Roll under A little over two weeks ago, Ans announced he'd be fasting for 30 days. Phillies won! To make a long story even longer (Anslem loves to do that), the Naked one, pause, cannot eat, pause, drink water, chew gum or have sex as he fasts for an entire month. I may be getting the details screwed up, so [click here] for accuracy. To make the experience more "epic" as he likes to say, he challenged himself to write 90 blogs in 30 days.

Really? It just can't be that serious. I don't like blogging that freakin' much. I only post entries when they write themselves. So, posting three a day isn't likely. It's not that I don't care, it's that I just don't give a fruck! I thought I blogged about everything, but Ans got me beat, pause. See for yourself.

Day One:

Anslem: I woke up this morning, took a piss and washed my hands.

If I was Anslem: Phillies Won!

Day Six:

Anslem: It was the moment I feared. I haven't had food in days and my stomach is crying.

If I was Anslem[Not In A Blog]: Man, I'm starving. I'm bout to get me some Popeyes.

If I was Anslem, I wouldn't be fasting for no 30 days. I tried fasting for three days last year and cheated all over the freakin' place. Yogurts here, bananas, pause, there. By Day 2, I gave up because the M train stationed at the Myrtle/Broadway stop too long. I just couldn't take the greasy smell, so I got off the train and took my ass to Popeyes.

Speaking of food, I don't always like to share mine. But it's fun to do bad things, so I've been trying to get Anslem to cheat, pause, by offering him water, gum and even volunteering to pay for his lunch. Who knows if he's keeping it funky, though. Sure, he walks by my cubicle munching on some clove (ewwww, Ans, not Illll), but what does he do when nobody's around? Phillies won, but I'm just saying. By the way, by the time I'm done writing this sentence, I will have completed my own little challenge: 90 words in 30 seconds...96 to be exact.

So, when you're done laughing at one of my hilarious posts, go down (pause for the dudes) to my Funky Blog Roll and check out Ans' blog for some good ole mushy TMI action. But seriously, check him out. I'm sure you'll appreciate some of his posts. If you don't, offer him a sandwich or something. [SMILEY!]

Monday, September 15, 2008

I Just Don't Want To Like You...

PS: My Palin entry was my 100th post, but I didn't do anything special for it cause I just didn't think it was that big a deal.

So I checked my email this morning and saw I had been tagged in yet another facebook note.

Nope! It wasn't Anslem's hungry ass writing about wanting to cheat his fast with a cheeseburger, but the homie Kevin L. Clark. I've been enjoying reading Kev's relationships stories over at Hello Beautiful, so I clicked through to see what his latest entry was about. Imagine my disgust when Kev referred to Tyler Perry as “the new king of black Hollywood” when reviewing his latest flick, The Family That Preys.

I immediately stopped reading and hit Kev on IM.

Me: Don't ever call Tyler Perry the new king of black Hollywood ever in your life.

Kev: LOL. Why not? It's true. Watch as he bodies the game with box office movies unlike predecessors - Spike Lee and Antoine Fuqua.

Me: You is blasphemous.

Kev: You is - what is this? The Antebellum South?

Me: Man! I can't respect them Madea pictures. Just can’t.

Kev: But you love Martin...

Me: Yup! Remember that blog, though. I realize that he was shucking and jiving as much as the next man [at the time]. The difference is he's funny. Perry is corny.

Kev: Go see The Family That Preys and tell me if it's corny...

Me: I don't wanna see it. I’m only curious [to see it] because of Sanaa Lathan.

Kev: Go see it.

Me: Sounds like u were impressed?

Kev: I was. Very much so. If he can successfully kill Madea, he can have a great career in Hollywood.

Me: I mean, he already does. He pumps out movies fastand generates lot of money. I just don't want to like him, ok.

I was just busting Kev's balls, pause, but he was right. If we're talking Box Office, the king of Hollywood, period, so happens to be a black man: Will Smith. But if we're talking about targeting the black demo, Tyler Perry flicks generate the most doe right now. Spike Lee and Fuqua's movies are more substantial and just flat out better, but they don't bring in as much mula. I'm not sure Fuqua ever had a hit by Blockbuster standards (100 mill +), but Lee's Inside Man (2006) was the first hit of his then 20-year career.

I remember vowing to never watch Diary Of A Mad Black Woman. But since I was in a relationship (yup, I've been in one of those) at the time, I compromised and saw it at the movies. It turns out, the flick wasn't as God awful as I expected it to be. I saw Why Did I Get Married last fall and enjoyed it. Still, I can't stand Tyler Perry for some reason. Maybe it's because of his horrible movie titles. Similarly, I don't wanna like Young Jeezy, but man... that Recession album is fire.

So my question is, is there something, or somebody you don't want to like? And if so, how do you really feel about it?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sarah Palin > Michelle Obama

Before accusing me of being a republican, bare with me.

Me and a few of the fellers, including Mark (proud Palin slugger) briefly discussed John McCain earlier today when the question came up. "Would you f Sarah Palin," one of the fellers asked. Interestingly, we all responded in unison. "Yup! Oh Yeah! Hell yeah!" Don't sleep. Governor Palin is a former beauty pageant contestant. The sisters won't like this one, but we also agreed that given the opportunity, we'd spend the night with Palin rather than Michelle Obama.

I know there's been much talk about Michelle Obama having a subtle bubble, but I personally haven't paid much attention to it. On the flip side, when Palin was announced as McCain's VP, I automatically thought, "she's a good looking lady." Palin isn't a dime or anything. There's just something about her. I doubt it's photoshopped, but I think a lot of cats dig her because of that phony photo circulating with her wearing a bikini.

Let's not get it twisted, I still want Barack Obama to win. So let me ask you guys? Fellers, would you beat Sarah Palin? Ladies, be gentle on us. Barack the vote!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Was Martin Shuckin' & Jivin?

I've been building my DVD collection as of late.

I purchase at least one DVD every paycheck. You'd be surprised how fast it builds up your library. I recently copped some old classics, including The Karate Kid, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and the first three seasons of Martin. Actually, I've been OD-ing on Martin. I've watched one season and a half in roughly a month since buying the DVDs.

I must say, I don't recall it being so freakin' hilarious. It's always funny for me to look back at sitcoms years later. I always become much more analytical. I'm not sure I noticed it at the time, but Martin definitely relied more on physical comedy than dialogue to get laughs. But seeing Marty Mart excessively sing and dance, shout and dress up as Shananah, Mama Payne, Otis, Jerome, Dragon Fly Jones, Elroy Preston and Roscoe, among others, I can't help, but think..."Damn! Was Martin shucking and jiving?"

Dragon Fly Jones

Mama Payne

See, when Tyler Perry first pulled Madea out, I was among the first to call foul on the play. I'm not alone. Perry has been long criticized for caricaturing black folks on the big screen. If Martin faced similar criticism at the time, I definitely don't remember it. But, what really separates him from Martin? Shoot! Madea and Mamma Payne are basically cut from the same mold. Two no-nonsense elderly lady who will cut you if the situation calls for it. Actually, a case could be made for Mamma Payne being more over the top than Madea. But, besides Martin being way funnier, what makes Tyler a coon, and Martin, not?

I'm completely bias and will most likely find reasons to defend Martin at any cost, so I turn to you guys. Was Martin shucking and jiving? And why is Tyler Perry getting a bad rep when others get/got a pass?

Friday, August 29, 2008

Captain Carl Save A Hoe!

I don't love these hoes, but I save them sometimes.

As selfish and indifferent as I can be, I sometimes turn into a good samaritan, even to hoes. I'ma mind your business and don't break up the fight type of dude, but some situations call for an intervention. I'm a part-time hoe savior, but I still need some work. I'm not too good at it. I remember venturing to some random party right after T-Pain's album release last summer. I was over there with my dudes Brent Woodie and Skye.

So at some point, I'm walking by the speakers when this chick sitting on it, grabs me with her legs and pulls me in closer. She hugs me, blurts out something totally incoherent and then tries to kiss me. WTF? You should have seen Brent and Skye's jaws drop. Mind you, I was twisted myself, but not that twisted. She looked pretty good, but I didn't know shorty from a hole in a wall. She was obviously plastered beyond belief and needed to leave the club before some douche got his hands on her. I asked her where her friends were and she clumsily pointed to some bird dancing on a speaker.

Me: Hey, you need to get your friend out of here. She's too wasted. She tried to kiss me just now. Some dudes will take advantage of her.

Bird: I don't even know her like that. She followed us here from the T-Pain party.

I spent the next five minutes trying to convince the girl to leave the club as vultures slowly gathered around waiting for me to finally leave her alone. Then some dude randomly walks over and grabs her hand on some "let's go" ish.

Me: What are you doing?

Douche: ...

Me: [Turns To Bird]

Bird: That's my homeboy. He knows her.

Me: [Turns to douche and grabs drunk girl's hand back] What's her name?

Douche: I know her.

Me: Then, what's her name?

Douche: I know her.

I knew he was lying, but for some reason I just stopped trying to save her. I wasn't about to karate kid kick this dude's ass over some chick I didn't know. Perhaps she didn't wanna be saved. Then again, she didn't look too enthused about her new friend. It wasn't surprising to see dude tonguing her by the downstairs bathroom minutes later while some other dude copped a feel. I confronted the bird on the way out, but she was too busy touching her toes for some dude. I failed miserably that one time, but at least I succeeded last night.

I ended up chatting these two chicks up on the way home from my boy J's birthday party. It turns out they lived in my neighbordhood. In this case, they weren't hoes, just very very friendly. So we get to Myrtle/Broadway station and this Jamaican dude asks me, "Can I join in?" It wasn't my place to say yes or no, so I just told dude we just met. Dude gladly stepped in and began his cooch mission. Mind you, he lived at the Myrtle stop, but got on the Ridgewood-bound train with us. The girls eventually got to their stop, hugged me goodbye and shook the other dude's hand. Get this! Dude still got off the train. Thankfully, I took both girls' information when dude started getting weird a few minutes prior. So I called one of them to make sure they were straight and dude was apparently following them home. I stayed on the phone with her until the slime ball left.

This is scary to me, so I can only imagine how you women feel. I guess these types are the reason women are afraid to walk home alone late at night. The bad thing is, these situations will probably never stop happening. The good thing is, it looks like I'm getting the hang of this hoe saving thing.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tall Girls Vs. Short Girls

Them chicks is like 6' 13"...

This one was inspired by the homie, Jesus.

He blogged about tall guys vs. short guys last week. If you knew me at 15, I would have sided with the shorties. Baggy jeans were in at the time and the shorter you were, the iller the jeans looked on you. But I eventually reached average height (5'9") and never looked back.

Anyway, since Jesus already spoke on the fellers, I thought I'd discuss women. I personally prefer short to (slightly above) average height (5'4") women. Forget them catwalk types. I'm only 6'1", what the hell am I gonna do with a chick my height or even 5'11". I wouldn't climb Lisa Leslie. I think the tallest girl I've dated was 5'10."

I really like short girls, but I wouldn't say it's a preference. I like them between 5'2" and 5'7". Let's not get it twisted. As always, exceptions can be made... like Saba. But I've never date a girl taller than me. I wonder if I'd be up to it if it came to it. Back in the Red Lobster day, this older shorty standing 6'2" and 200 plus pounds once approached the kid. The funny thing is she was a goon -type. I've seen her punk around many a dude. Pffttt! Picture her trying to punk me. I would have karate kid kicked her ass. I would never put my hands on a woman, but once they're taller, weigh more than me and then act like they can whoop my ass, I may have to left hook them.

Anyhow, what about you fellers? Ever dated a girl taller than you? Ladies, ever dated a shorter dude? Me not! I guess I'm siding with short-ish girls.