Thursday, February 28, 2008

Wouldn't Me And Lauren London Look Good Together?


I Think I Found Lauren...

Pardon my abscence. My work load has been kinda crazy lately, so I haven't found much time to post anything new.

Now, before any of you Farrahs jump at the opportunity to merk my self-esteem, let me assure you that I'm not being serious. In case you didn't know, Lauren London recently hosted BET's Rip The Runway alongside Nelly. So, my supervisor Kim Osorio thought it'd be a good idea to promote the show with a blog entitled , "Lookin 4 Lauren London." I just posted the first of three entries a few minutes ago.

Sorry to dissapoint you, I don't think I have a shot with Lauren. lol Let's not get it twisted, she's in my Top 5. But come on, dude! Why would I seriously try to get with her? I mean, WTF? But do peep the blog when you get a few minutes and of course, speak on it.

Friday, February 22, 2008

What's The Worst Spot For A Pimple?


Pimple Poppin...


I have this ittty-bitty pimple on the right side of my mouth right now...like right on the border. It's getting on my freaking nerves.


It's one of them self-conscious pimples. Too small for people to care about it, but big enough for you to obsess over it. You see, I could give a fart about a pimple if it's not on my nose, forehead (depending on the size) or near my mouth. I hardly sweat other areas.


The nose has to be my least favorite pimple spot though. I oxy clean my schnozz religiously. I remember my cousin Tone coming over to my parents' house in Montreal over a million years ago. He only had a few days to party, but I refused to go out because I had a huge hump right in the middle of my pinnocio. I know ya'll got some horror pimple stories to share. Speak on it.








Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Looked Erykah Badu Dead In The Eye, Son!


Me and Erykah Badu...


By now I'm on like...my 3rd Erykah Badu mention on this blog, so you guys should know how I feel about her. And you dun know I was looking forward to interviewing her earlier today. So much so that I waited two hours for her ass. Just minutes before the interview, people at the job started testing me. There's a rumor that you're not supposed to look in Badu's eyes and she had apparently just dared any dude to do so during a 106 & Park taping. Ppppfffttt!


Ya'll already know I like my eyes doo doo brown, so what the hell are green eyes gonna do for me? I must say though. She's quite intimidating and her voice is very soothing. The funny thing is I asked her to look at me rather than the camera when answering questions, but she focused on the lens throughout the interview. I wonder if she thought she was doing me a favor.


Anyway, in the end, I thanked her for her time and she asked, "what's your name brother" while looking me straight in the eye. "Carl," I replied, looking her dead in the pupil. Shoot! Can't no chick make me fall after one look. Now if you excuse me, I gotta go. I just saw this dope pair of crochet pants online. Speak on it!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Just When I Buy It, It's Like Everyboday Has It...




Have you ever eyed something for a minute and felt like everybody else had it the second you bought it?

Let me explain. I bought my first blackberry (Sprint 8830) late last year. So in the weeks leading to my purchase, I was obsessed with phones. You couldn't pull your phone out without me asking to see it. For some reason, I can't recall seeing anybody with it prior to buying it. But now, it's like everybody has it. I swear everybody I gave my info to at this event last night had my freaking phone. If you know what I'm talking about speak on it!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Why You Touching Me, Son?

You ladies should be familiar with this one.

You're at the club and dude pulls you by the hand. Or once you grant him a conversation, you notice that his hand has magically slid down to your waste.

Now, I've noticed that women respond to touching in two ways. Some only mind when it's someone they're not feeling. On the flipside, some are very into their personal space, so you best to back off no matter who you is. Like, when walking through a tight space, some women will just let their chest rub on you while others make an effort to avoid any contact.

Us dudes, we don't give a fart. If you're cute, you could probably just meet me, put your hand on my d*ck johnson and I'd just stay there and show off my 31 teeth.

Yup! We don't care. Unless it's a bleeping dude. You know, them touchy-feely types. The best example is them dudes who tap or poke your collar bone with their index while telling a story. Either that, or one hand on your shoulder. Why? Physical contact won't help you prove a point or make your story better. Plus, I was already listening, so unhand me...punk! Speak on it!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

"Take The Contact Out Your Eye, You're Far From Looking Fly"



She looks stupid...

Today's subject line is being brought to you courtesy of Phife Dawg on A Tribe Called Quest's "Butter" (The Low End Theory).

You ain't never lie, Phife! My boy Mark texts me the other day and suggested to guest blog on colored contacts, an issue I was already slated to tackle in my upcoming "Turn Offs" entry. Issue? Yes, issue! It's that deep. Being a longtime natural eye color activist, I immediately accepted.


Considering that our women are the worst colored contact offenders, who better than a Black guy and an Indian dude to weigh in on the topic? I'll cut straight to the chase. You morons look like idiots! Your genetics obviously don't allow for your iris to be grey or purple, so knock it off. Other than the fact that my family (on my mother's side) has long suspected that there could be Chinese in our ancestry, I'm black. I'm healthy doo doo complected, so I like my eyes dark brown. Even when it's natural, I'm not a fan of light eyes. Maybe cause I'm allergic to cats. On that note, I'll let Mark speak his piece.

Back in the day one summer, my boy Toby and I hit Rum Jungle (Guyanese/West Indian Club in Queens). Everything's cool, we're having a good time, but before leaving Toby asks management the best night to hit the club. Out comes this Indian chick to answer his question.

Chick had four different colors up in her eyeballs. I'm talking hazel, green with tints of orange, red. It was like looking at a talking kaleidoscope. WTF. Damn color contact jerk! What are you hiding, baby? Brown eyes? I got 'em. Most of us in this world do. Naah, but you'd rather rock 1/4 of the shades of a Crayola 64 crayon box up in your eyes. Jesus.

To all the ladies, I plead with y'all: Be normal. No more color contacts! You don't see me walking around with blue eyes on Monday, green eyes on Tuesday, and blue-green on Wednesday. Nah, it's brown all the time! Be yourself!

Speak on it!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Awkward Valentines...


Valentine's Day...

We're screwed, fellers. Valentine's Day is set to fall on weekends for two straight years starting in 2009. Thank God for the leap year. The extra day is somehow making us skip a Friday.

But seriously, as previously mentioned, I'm not opposed to V'Day. My only gripe is that it has become a woman-centric holiday when word is that it was named after two dudes (not that there's anything wrong with that).

But here's the question du jour. What's the V'Day procedure in the dating's early stages? For instance, you met a girl three weeks ago, went out with her three times and V'Day pops up. What's appropriate? What if your first freaking date falls on V'Day? My friend Aishah suggested that a card is appropriate. Cool, but is the dude getting something? And if the guy treats the date like any other date before that, is he a scumbag? Speak on it!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Who Should They Kill Off The Wire?


Me, Michael K.Williams,
Felicia "Lil' Snoop" Pearson & Jamie Hector (The Wire)


Not my ass! I'm not on the show.

You see, I started watching The Wire here and there during the first season. Then after completely abandoning the show, I started tuning back in towards the second half of the third season.

So for the past three years, all I heard was, "The Wire this, The Wire that." I just didn't get it at the time. I had unsuccessfully tried watching the show twice and never got hooked, so how good could it be right? I also grew annoyed with black people expected me to be familiar with the show. It nearly made me shun the show on purpose.

But after speaking with folks like Sam Ed and Erik Parker and reading Ron Mexico's 4th season recaps, I decided to give it one last go. Thankfully, as a prequel to the current season, On Demand re-aired the entire series starting with Episode 1. Great writing! I was hooked
instantly. So hooked that I kept going over my 12 O'Clock curfew to catch a few extra episodes.

I appreciated meeting the three aforementioned cast members earlier this week. Dudes was mad cool. Where do you guys stand on The Wire? How are you liking this season? What's your favorite season to date? What character do you wanna see killed and what character do you want to see spared?

I just want Omar to make it. If he does, everybody else can go. Oh, I want Bubs to make it too. On the flip side, I don't really hate of the characters, but Marlo gotta fall. He's just wrong. Speak on it!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

"Shit" Just Doesn't Make Sense!


"Sheeiitttt!" --Senator Clay Davis (The Wire)

By now, I'm sure you've noticed that I'm not too big on curses. I usually curse for the sake of comedy, when I'm pissed or tipsy. Other than that, I say stuff, thing or ish, rather than shit. But not today. Ironically, it just wouldn't make sense.

I've noticed that "shit" is the most worthless curse in the english language. It just holds no weight. Now, I appreciate when cursing is used to punctuate a statement. "Fuck" usually does the job. "Shit?" Not so much. Let me explain.

I was chillin with Jesus and shit: No need to add "and shit." "I was chillin with Jesus" already made the point. The extra vulgarity just makes you sound like you failed kindergarten.

Ron Mexico is cool as shit: "As" implies that there's an analogy there, so why isn't it cool as ice or cool as a cucumber. [Blogger's Note: Those were corny, I know.] Still, the last time I hadn't checked, doo doo wasn't cold.

When Shit hits the fan...This one isn't as bad. But I like my adages to be realistic. Has anyone ever seen doo doo literally hit the fan? Thought so.

Speak on it!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Scarves Are The New Shades



So I'm at work earlier today when I suddenly peep this cat on his phone, posing hard like it was a Macys Male Catalog Photoshoot. Mind you, we were inside, but my man had a Pea Coat and scarf on.

"I see you got the scarf on," I remarked.

Thinking that I was complimenting the wardrobe, dude just starting grinning uncontrollably.

"Well, you know..."

Huh? No I don't! But anybody who knows me, knows I ain't with all that fancy crap. I mean, these are clearly rules of assholism and I see more and more dudes violating them. My boys Jesus and Mark always say, "only two kinds of people wear shades inside. Blind people and assholes." Chuch! And you can't tell me this dude don't look like an asshole.

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Shades On The Train?

I bumped into him on my way to work this morning and couldn't resist. I thought about the blog, pulled the camera out and shot his ass. Had he been wearing a scarf, he would have been a certified douche. On that note,pardon my nearsighted niggorance, but only two people wear scarves inside. Gay people
(not that there's anything wrong with that) and assholes." [Blogger's Note: The Scarf rule only applies to dudes. Girls can do whatever the hell they want.]

Again, I'm not with the fancy crap. I don't give a feuk! It ain't cool or fashionable. I wish a dude would try to fight me with a scarf on. I'd hang his ass with it. Unfortunately, I'm cool with one or three scarf rockers, so it's all good. I'll still talk to you the next time I see you in public. But I'll have to call you an asshole or ask you to "take that napkin off."

Speak on it!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Who Needs Bouncers Anyway?




So we're leaving Club Element after celebrating my boy Mark's birthday when all hell broke loose.

First, these two birds had to be separated and five minutes later, a bunch of dudes got into it in the club's lobby. There seemed to be a lot of dudes involved, so it was hard to tell what the freak was going on. But at one point, this light skin brother just grabbed a bouncer by the collar and just threw him into the wall. The crazy thing is, rather than retaliate, the bouncer just stood there petrified and none of his co-workers came to his aid. Not that it matters, but to add color to the story, pun intended, I feel the need to say that the bouncer was white.

"Any of you bouncers come outside, I'm whooping that ass," dude said. Damn! Dude wasn't even that big, but he was so convincing. It's like Jim Jones. How good of a fighter can he be? But he talks such good doo doo that you start thinking, "damn, maybe he can karate kid kick my ass."

Thankfully dude was a gentleman and waited for the bouncers outside instead of setting it off in there. I was trapped in a corner, so if it got live, I would have had to pull out my nail clipper and start poking people. Speak on it! And make sure to wish Mark a Happy B'Day.


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Ricky, Sam Ed, Mark and Fred

Friday, February 1, 2008

Obama Stutters Too Much...




Barack Obama

Shoot! I have my stuttering John moments, so I'm not knocking the man. But I was watching the CNN Democratic Debates last night and I couldn't get over Barack Obama's speech.

It's funny, because the early buzz on Obama was that he was "smart and articulate." Smart? Oh yes! But articulate? Not so much! Forget anything I've written on this blog before. I'm rooting for the guy. And if everything goes according to plan, come November, I will be taking my
ass to the booth for the first time ever.

But frequently hearing "ehhhh" and seing Obama repeatedly hesitate during the debates, I couldn't help but wonder if his speech lowered his appeal at all. I mean, he's hands down the most charismatic and funniest candidate on either side, but Hillary, John Edwards and even them fart ass republicans seem to have more of a smooth cadence when they speak. See for yourself.



What do you guys think? Has anyone else noticed that Barack's speech could be smoother? And if so, does it even matter? Speak on it!