Monday, July 28, 2008

Would You Give The Money Back?

I never thought a 7-year-old would sum me up so well.

I'm no angel, but at the same time, I'm no scum. Aside from getting caught leaking on the street the night of my homie Jesus' bachelor party last year, I haven't gotten into much trouble since my teens. Still, to this's fun to do bad things and I love doing hoodrat stuff with my friends. I definitely still have somewhat of a juvenile streak in me, but I usually keep it under control. I'm not sure I can recall the last time I did a hoodrat thing...well, maybe recently telling Farnsworth Bentley he had some nerve for putting out that "Everybody" video qualifies.

But the bottom line is, I'm never a hoodrat when it counts. If somebody drops something, I give it back. If the cashier gives me too much change, I give it back. I guess I've been piling up good karma points. This weekend, I was walking towards the turnstile at the Jamaica Van Wyck station in Queens, lost in my Amy Winehouse, when I pulled my blackberry out. Two steps later, some good samaritan, taps me on the shoulder and hands me $40. I'm assuming the doe fell out of my pocket when I pulled my phone out. And my reaction time was so slow, I don't even think my thank you was grateful enough. Shoot! As crappy as the economy is, I wouldn't mind finding 40 beans, unless I knew who it belonged to of course.

What about you guys? Do you usually keep the money, or give it back? Have you ever lost money somebody and had a good samaritan save your day?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Jail > War...

I'm a punk about certain things. So there's no sense in me giving you that "never scared" bullcrap.

Off top, there are two things I wouldn't be caught dead doing: go to jail and serve in the army. I'm talking ducking grenades in combat and stuff. But given an option between the two, I'd Cassius Clay it and take my ass to jail. War just seems too nerve-racking, man. I saw this youtube clip with soldiers in shootouts just last week and dudes were stressed out of their brains. I tried finding the clip to post it here, but I couldn't find it and I'm sure you get the idea.

Not that jail is stress-free or anything, but maybe I could find a lane where the other inmates wouldn't bother me. Who knows? But let's keep it funky here. The main reason why regular dudes like me are scared of jail, is because Debo-types may wanna try and take it to the hole, pause.

That's a problem. I ain't going out like that. I'm only 6'1" and 185 lbs, so the odds aren't in my favor. Push comes to shove, though, I'm going out swinging. First off, I'd doo doo my pants and would refuse to shower, so I'd walk around stanking all day. Then, I'd smuggle a dumbell into my cell, take the weights off and tape the bar to my leg. Anybody setting it off, is getting they ass karate kid kicked. You too Fleece Johnson. See, Fleece is this inmate from the Kentucky State Penitentiary who enjoys crossing swords if you know what I mean. In part of a segment on MSNBC's Lock Up, good ole Fleece told the interviewer "booty was more important than water." See the clip for yourself.

Maaaaan, I will homerun Fleece's head with my dumbell. Since he's "a warrior too," I may die trying, but that sounds better than becoming one of his stories. So, given the option: jail, or Iraq? Which option would you take? War is out of the question for me, but God knows I'm not even thinking about stealing a lighter at a gas station.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Would You Get Off The Train Already?

I don't like standing on the train, and I hate giving up my seat even more.

The thing is, anybody with gray hair thinks they're owed a seat. Pffttt! No cane, no seat. I know... I'm anal, pause. I'm working on it. I'm working on not letting anybody slide whenever my anal (pause) sense (pause) tingles (pause). During rush hour, if I'm really tired, I'll be that jerk off who contemplates sitting on a big-boned person's lap cause he/she is taking up two spots. Either that, or I'll squeeze in the tiny space and screw face them until they feel bad about taking up too much space. But when seats are up for grabs, I'm racing for one.

The train door opening is very similar to rebounding in basketball. As the train slows down (shot goes up), you step closer, anticipating where the door will stop (get good positioning) and then you box out (then you box out).

I'd be lying if I said I always get a seat. Sometimes, I just get to the scene too late, so I start profiling. I look around and start anticipating who is more likely to get off first. I just look at people thinking, "he can't possibly be getting off at my stop." Back in the Jamaica Queens days, it was white people. Now that I live in Ridgewood, it's black and Chinese people. It works on and off.But sometimes I can't help but think, "you know you live here. Would you get off the train already?" Imagine my surprise when a comedian talked about the same type of profiling during his stand-up routine this past weekend. So I get a feeling some of you do the same thing. Am I wrong?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Who The Hell Doesn't Like Kissing Anyway?

My first kiss probably came a bit later than most.

Most of my patnas were tonguing chicks down by the end of elementary school, but me, not until I was 16. I had plenty of opportunities before, but I was just too shy to close the deal. Plus, I had this fear about not being good, cause God knows we all knew who the lousy kissers were in school.

Needless to say, I eventually got over it. Actually, I really like kissing now. Most people I know, men and women, do as well. But I do remember dating this girl who hated kissing about five years ago. It was so weird. Usually, if you're dating a girl and things click, you're gonna want to kiss her eventually. The funny thing is, she was actually a very good kisser. She just didn't like to do it.

Imagine my surprise when I found out she also didn't like her breast touched, sucked or any type of contact. But get this, she had this thing about not being able to have sex unless she got head first. Ya'll already know I don't eat seafood...well, I'm sure I'd make an exception for like Nia Long, Paula Patton, Lauren London, Kim Kardashian (I know she's a hoe, but she's a gorgeous hoe. I would Tommy Davidson in Booty Call her) or Stacey Dash.

My thing was, if you don't like to kiss and don't like your breast touched, what's left for me (don't even think about saying head) to do? It gets even more interesting. Things got a little physical on her bed one night, which is weird because I'm used to kisses being part of the deal. So at one point, this chick gets on top of me and starts licking me like a freakin' poodle. No lip contact, just her tonguing my face. WTF? I quit! Needless to say that's the only time it happened. This chick is now past tense blog material. But interestingly, I was talking to one of my homegirls recently, and she was telling me one of her friends, a dude, doesn't like to kiss. I hope they find each other.

What bout you guys? Any of you guys don't like kissing? If so, why not? Ever been with someone who didn't like kissing? I kinda have...

Monday, July 21, 2008

Movies By My Lonesome...

I saw The Dark Knight earlier today.

I must say, it was dope as hell. Marvel and D.C. comic books were part of my diet growing up. So as far as movies, it doesn't get much better than seeing a superhero movie well executed. Heath Ledger (R.I.P) was incredible. His performance was well worth all the current hoopla, so I hope he grabs a posthumous Academy Award. I'm not saying his performance makes me wanna see Brokeback Mountain, but it was superior.

Guess who I went to the movies with, though. My damn self! I left work early, so I decided to catch it before hitting the gym. I never understood why people are so insecure about catching a flick for self. You watch movies at the crib, don't you? Granted, short dialogue and group-talking to the screen is part of the movie-going experience. But sometimes, I either don't wanna wait on anybody or don't wanna be bothered.

In my Red Lobster days, I remember guests asking me to seat them away from crowds so nobody would see them by themselves. There's nothing wrong with eating by yourself. I must say, I don't get what I'd get from actually sitting in the dining room by myself. I'd rather take it to the crib and watch TV or something. But if that's what you wanna do, it's cool.

I think it's healthy to spend time alone every now and then. Anybody who has spent an extended of time with me, will tell you I get quiet every now and then. It's not that I'm pissed or anything, I guess shut down and require some quality me time every now and then. The one thing I wouldn't do by myself, is go to a club. I think it's something to do with friends, not alone.

What about you guys? Any of you hit the flicks solo sometimes? Any of you don't understand why some people do it? Any of you do things by yourselves, like go to clubs?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My Bagging Rules

Me and two of my homegirls have been playing this game as of late.

We went to a few sword fight parties (pause) recently and pickings were pretty slim on both ends. So my friend asked me, "if you had to talk to any girl in here, who would it be?" I was bored anywway, so we immediately combed the room looking for someone I wouldn't mind being in public with. They got mad, cause I ended up settling on a white girl. Hey, I love the sisters, but bad is bad and shorty was just that. I'll take Alyssa Milano over Tracee Ellis Ross, but I wouldn't pick her over Nia Long, Paula Patton or Mel B.

We played the game again last night at Nas' Album Release Party, but this time my friends thought they would add a spontaneous twist. " Ok, Carl. Now go talk to her," one of my friends said after picking a girl for me. Not a chance! I'm pretty moody and anal, pause, when it comes to approaching women. Ask the homie Kev Clark or Mark. They'll tell you that I just stand there like the Phillies won right after they tell me some cutie's been looking at me. They always call me lazy, but I'd say I'm more of a moody bagger. Sometimes I just don't feel like being bothered. Plus, I rarely move outside of my rules.

Rule No.1…Never Bag Unless The Girl Shows Interest: I mean, I’ve stepped to a girl without her looking my way before, but for the most part, I don’t budge unless I’m clearly invited.

Rule No.2…If You Don’t Have Anything To Say, Shut Up: If I tell one of my homies, “shorty is cute” one too many times, I have no business going over there. It should just happen. If I’m keep talking about it, chances are I’m overthinking and the convo could be forced or awkward when I finally approach. It should just be natural.

Pros: Slim margin for error. I usually make sure it’s painfully obvious the coast is clear, so rejection isn’t really an option. Sure, you have your flirts who aren’t looking for anything more than a little back and forth, but for the most part, the number is yours to lose when applying this rule.

Cons: Every now and then, I find out about a girl liking me, a girl who has never shown an ounce of interest. So by only following signs, you stand to lose tons of opportunities, perhaps even one of the good ones.

What about you guys? What makes you approach a woman? Any rules? Ladies, any of you approach the fellers? If not, what kind of signs do you give them when interested?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sorry, Dude...I Don't Work Here

So I'm at K-Mart earlier today and the second I walk in, this lady asks me for help.

"Ehhhh, como say, ehhh." I promtly set her straight. "I don't work here," I informed her. "Ohhhhh, you no work here?" she repeated all disappointed. I mean, don't department store workers usually wear uniforms?

Minutes later, I saw this lady rearranging shoes. She didn't have a uniform, just a red polo. I needed help with something, but rather than assume, I asked, "excuse me, do you work here?" It turns out she did. Barely two seconds later, some douche who was but two steps away when I asked my question started asking me for help. "Sorry, dude. I don't work here," I told him. Mind you, I had my red funkyminds t-shirt on. Why would a dude with a red shirt with a skull holding two mics be working at K-Mart?

Interestingly, the two people who mistook me for a K-Marter were latinos. But I'm not sure if that means anything. What about you guys? Any of you been mistaken for an employee rather than costumer before?

Sunday, July 6, 2008

10 First Date Deal-Breakers...

In case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty irritable.

I mean, it's all in fun, but how else do you explain my dismay for interior shades, scarves, contacts and self-proclaimed "cool people?" It's no different when it comes to poultry. I'm pretty anal, pause. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned being allergic to birds before. Extended bird exposure triggers my asthma and I start wheezing. I can't even wear snorkels, cause the coats are stuffed with feathers.

I ain't got time to pluck no chickens. And bird-brain behavior is definitely a deal-breaker. I remember going to the movies with this pelican a while back. You know I'm scatter brain, so I zoned out right around the time I got to the front of the ticket line. This cock sucking woodpecker (pun intended?) had the nerve to give me this, "what you waiting for, pay the man" look. Ohhhhh, it was over instantly. It was right around the first day of winter, so I told the pigeon she may as well migrate. Mind you, I was gonna pay. It was all in her attitude. I know some of you dudes may have stuck it out hoping for a kiss on the cheek. Me, not so moche. This wasn't a traditional deal-breaker, though. Matter fact, I took the time to explore potential first date deal-breakers.

Boogers: It's all timing with the boogie man. We all get them. So if one slides off your left nostril a few months into dating, you're probably good. First date, you're toast.

Trips & Falls: This is a tricky one. I probably wouldn't care if a girl fell on the date. The thing is, depending on how bad the chute was, the fallen may be too embarassed to face you again, so it may turn into a deal-breaker.

The Other Man/Woman: Apparently, looking at another woman during the first date is a deal -breaker. I mean, it is only the first date. It all depends on the look. But if you terminate the dater for trying to sneak a glance, I ain't mad at you. It may just be a pattern indicator.

Declined: I won't go out if I don't have any money, so this should never happen to me (fingers crossed). But if your card gets declined when the check comes, don't expect to hear from shorty again.

Spill It: This is a toss up (I think?) I don't know what I'd do if someone spilled something on me on the first rendez-vous. I think it depends on A) how much you're feeling the person B) How big the stain is.

The Ex Factor: It's normal for past relationships to come up, but they shouldn't be recurring themes throughout the date.

Let Me Get A Dollar: A friend of mine told me some dude spent his last on drinks and later asked her for a few bills so he can cop a hot dog. Wait! It gets better. Since homie ran out of money, he then asked her to swipe him in, so he can take the train home. All that on the first date. True story.

Dumb Movie Questions: Don't ask me what just happened. I'm seeing the movie for the first time just like you. Rather than ask me questions, look for clues and figure it out. That's what I do.

Get Off The Phone: It's one thing if your phone is your watch, but being glued to your device for most of the night probably isn't a good look. That being said, I confess to being a repeat offender. Oh well, Phillies won.

Ewwwwwww!: It's the first date, so we shouldn't be close enough for me to know you have racoon breath. Similarly, I heard MUESS has this new Skunk body spray some of these orioles have been using. Not a good look.

*Lateness?: Me and my dates never seem to be on time and for the most part, it has never really mattered. Perhaps some of you feel different.

What do ya'll think? What are your personal first date deal-breakers?


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I Found The G.O.A.T Of Douche Bags

Actually, me and this girl at work keep competing in finding funny videos and she sent this my way.

I often refer to douche bags on this here blog. Truth be told, it's hard to describe what a d-bag is. You just know when you see them. Well, this dude epitomizes douchbagism. This is superior douchbaggery. Listen for yourself.

Douchebag Phone Message - Watch more free videos

Tell me this isn't incredible.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I Hate Cool People (Ways To Know You're Not Cool)

I doubt this is a news flash, but we’re going to be stuck in high school for the rest of our lives.

There will always be cool/popular kids, jocks, nerds, bullies, cheerleaders and the in between people (everybody else). Just look at your job. There’s most likely one person who is the man (cool kid), a person sucking the man’s knee caps (cheerleader), some douche bag pushing his/her weight around (bully), some quiet weirdo(nerd) who won’t bother blending in and everybody else.

Not that I think I deserve a cookie for this (if so, chocolate chip, please), but I never cared about that crap. I allegedly fell into the cool pool back in high school, but it never stopped me from talking to whoever. I’ll always remember one of my friends asking me: “why do you talk to them, they’re not cool?” Phillies won! It’s funny, I haven’t changed a bit and neither have “cool” people. I think I may have mentioned it before, but my friend Janee nailed it. After Nas’ Hip-Hop Is Dead listening session a while back, she said she noticed that writers mingled based on other writers' looks or the outlets they worked for. But since Chase Utley always hits homeruns to put the Phillies on top, I apparently talked to everybody.

Just yesterday, I wondered if wack people knew they sucked penis. Not so much! But interestingly, I don’t think self-proclaimed “cool people” know they’re corny. Here's a little something to help them out.

5. You’re Not Cool… If You Write Blogs About People Not Being Cool: Crrrap! I guess I didn’t make the cut. *Furiously throws mouse at screen*

4.You're Not Cool...If You're Out Of High School And Try To Herb People For Not Being Cool: ...Bitch!

3. You’re Not Cool…If You Wear Colored Contacts, Shades/Scarves Inside Or Scarves With T-Shirts: Those people are criminals as far as I'm concerned. Death to them. Give them the chair.

2. You're Not Cool...If You Brush Your Nose With Your Fingers: I think pimps and cunt muffins do it. They usually slightly brush their nose with their thumb and index right after bragging like it's an exclamation point or something. Like, "you know. I'm doing my thang." [Nose brush] If you ask me, that maneuver is too close to an unorthodox nose pick to be cool.

1.You’re Not Cool If…We Didn’t Tell You: See, Lowkey and Kev Clark always complain, “Carl, you’re too cool.” But they don’t say it because I wear ugly sneakers, they do because I act like the Phillies never lose. I don’t wanna be cool anyway. I brag about being regular all the time. (no cookies please) If you claim cool, you’re a cornball by default. Don't try telling us otherwise, we’ll be the judge.

You know what to do… Oh, and which kid were you in high school?