Friday, August 29, 2008

Captain Carl Save A Hoe!

I don't love these hoes, but I save them sometimes.

As selfish and indifferent as I can be, I sometimes turn into a good samaritan, even to hoes. I'ma mind your business and don't break up the fight type of dude, but some situations call for an intervention. I'm a part-time hoe savior, but I still need some work. I'm not too good at it. I remember venturing to some random party right after T-Pain's album release last summer. I was over there with my dudes Brent Woodie and Skye.

So at some point, I'm walking by the speakers when this chick sitting on it, grabs me with her legs and pulls me in closer. She hugs me, blurts out something totally incoherent and then tries to kiss me. WTF? You should have seen Brent and Skye's jaws drop. Mind you, I was twisted myself, but not that twisted. She looked pretty good, but I didn't know shorty from a hole in a wall. She was obviously plastered beyond belief and needed to leave the club before some douche got his hands on her. I asked her where her friends were and she clumsily pointed to some bird dancing on a speaker.

Me: Hey, you need to get your friend out of here. She's too wasted. She tried to kiss me just now. Some dudes will take advantage of her.

Bird: I don't even know her like that. She followed us here from the T-Pain party.

I spent the next five minutes trying to convince the girl to leave the club as vultures slowly gathered around waiting for me to finally leave her alone. Then some dude randomly walks over and grabs her hand on some "let's go" ish.

Me: What are you doing?

Douche: ...

Me: [Turns To Bird]

Bird: That's my homeboy. He knows her.

Me: [Turns to douche and grabs drunk girl's hand back] What's her name?

Douche: I know her.

Me: Then, what's her name?

Douche: I know her.

I knew he was lying, but for some reason I just stopped trying to save her. I wasn't about to karate kid kick this dude's ass over some chick I didn't know. Perhaps she didn't wanna be saved. Then again, she didn't look too enthused about her new friend. It wasn't surprising to see dude tonguing her by the downstairs bathroom minutes later while some other dude copped a feel. I confronted the bird on the way out, but she was too busy touching her toes for some dude. I failed miserably that one time, but at least I succeeded last night.

I ended up chatting these two chicks up on the way home from my boy J's birthday party. It turns out they lived in my neighbordhood. In this case, they weren't hoes, just very very friendly. So we get to Myrtle/Broadway station and this Jamaican dude asks me, "Can I join in?" It wasn't my place to say yes or no, so I just told dude we just met. Dude gladly stepped in and began his cooch mission. Mind you, he lived at the Myrtle stop, but got on the Ridgewood-bound train with us. The girls eventually got to their stop, hugged me goodbye and shook the other dude's hand. Get this! Dude still got off the train. Thankfully, I took both girls' information when dude started getting weird a few minutes prior. So I called one of them to make sure they were straight and dude was apparently following them home. I stayed on the phone with her until the slime ball left.

This is scary to me, so I can only imagine how you women feel. I guess these types are the reason women are afraid to walk home alone late at night. The bad thing is, these situations will probably never stop happening. The good thing is, it looks like I'm getting the hang of this hoe saving thing.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tall Girls Vs. Short Girls

Them chicks is like 6' 13"...

This one was inspired by the homie, Jesus.

He blogged about tall guys vs. short guys last week. If you knew me at 15, I would have sided with the shorties. Baggy jeans were in at the time and the shorter you were, the iller the jeans looked on you. But I eventually reached average height (5'9") and never looked back.

Anyway, since Jesus already spoke on the fellers, I thought I'd discuss women. I personally prefer short to (slightly above) average height (5'4") women. Forget them catwalk types. I'm only 6'1", what the hell am I gonna do with a chick my height or even 5'11". I wouldn't climb Lisa Leslie. I think the tallest girl I've dated was 5'10."

I really like short girls, but I wouldn't say it's a preference. I like them between 5'2" and 5'7". Let's not get it twisted. As always, exceptions can be made... like Saba. But I've never date a girl taller than me. I wonder if I'd be up to it if it came to it. Back in the Red Lobster day, this older shorty standing 6'2" and 200 plus pounds once approached the kid. The funny thing is she was a goon -type. I've seen her punk around many a dude. Pffttt! Picture her trying to punk me. I would have karate kid kicked her ass. I would never put my hands on a woman, but once they're taller, weigh more than me and then act like they can whoop my ass, I may have to left hook them.

Anyhow, what about you fellers? Ever dated a girl taller than you? Ladies, ever dated a shorter dude? Me not! I guess I'm siding with short-ish girls.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

5 Reasons Why I Need To Stop Drinking...

So I got plastered out of my common sense this past weekend.

Me, the Bedford Boys, Team Guerilla and a few other homies hit up this rooftop party in Brooklyn Saturday. The joint got shut down before 1 a.m., but by then, I was way past the breathelizer stage.

As much fun as we've had drinking this past year, sometimes I can't help but think I need to just hang the bottle. Why not? I'm sure I can come up with one or five valid reasons.

Money: I'm not sure I've said this before, but I drink with a purpose: to get tipsy. I don't drink during the day and never drink while eating. With that said, it's hardly ever open bar when we go out on weekends and the wallets thin out quickly. Thankfully, I'm sort of a lightweight. Still, it takes me abuot three drinks to get tipsy and depending on the night, between six to eight to get wasted. Depending on the spot, drinks usually cost anywhere between $6 to $12 dollars, so you do the math.

Ugly Girls: My vision is impaired when drinking. Add deceptive lighting and I can't tell Halle Berry from Eartha Kitt. Sometimes I know they're busted, but flirt with them just for the hell of it. That's just wrong.

Nonsense: Knowing how twisted I was on Saturday, the next morning I decided to check my phone to see if I sent any crazy text messages. I sure did. Peep this ridiculous exhange between me and one of my boys.

Me: Where u at? What's the word?

Friend: At the crib with this shorty I met at the party.

Me: Oh word? What's the next move?

SMH!!! I should have replied, "Oh cool. Do your thing," but obviously didn't. What a drunk blonde moment.

Throwing Up: Up until November 2007, I had never thrown up from drinking. I was so proud of that statistic. I had my share of close calls, blacked out and forgot portions of many nights, but always held my liquor. But then we went out for the homie Jesus' sister-in-law's birthday, and I let it all out. I have since thrown up two more times. Needless to say my flawless record is now tarnished.

Recklessness: Some folks brag about being good drunk drivers, but I clearly couldn't jump behind the wheel while intoxicated. As previously mentioned, my vision is impaired and so is my judgement and my senses. I've seen many a dude get they ass karate kid kicked while drunk. Just last week, I saw this dude, completely incapacitated, leaking heavily right outside of this pizzaria. Apparently some dudes ran in the spot as he was eating and just kicked his tail one time. It doesn't take much. A step on the shoe here, a spill on the shirt there. I value my 31 teeth.

What about you guys? What are some of the dumbest things you have done while inibriated?
FYI! Though this weekend's Rooftop Party was insane, it is null in void. Word is the folks who threw the party didn't even reside at the location and are now the focus of a police investigation for tresspassing or something. Unless someone tries to contend by September's end, the Bedford Boys have officially thrown the illest party of the summer.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I Can Beat Usain Bolt

First off, Jamaica stand up!

After missing most of the Athens Olympics, I'm glad I've been able to catch some of this year's Olympiads. I got to see Michael Phelps win his eight medals, saw a little pole vault (pause) and even got to peep the tiny little Chinese gymnists do a few flips. But my favorite part of the games has aways been track and field, the 100 meter dash more specifically.

As Ron Mexico and I were discussing the other day, Jamaica always had the best sprinters. Ben Johnson and Donovan Bailey ran for Canada, but they were both Jamaican-born. I can't help but think us Haitians could also be a force in track and field, but we're too busy playing some other kind of games. Sigh!

Still, Haitians and Jamaicans of my generation have developed a respect and to a point... a camaraderie over the years, so I can't help but sort of feel proud of Usain Bolt's gold medals. I'll tell you what, though. I can beat him. Yup! And of course there's a trick to it. There has to be an MTA train ready to leave at the finish line. I've always been fast. Me and my sister Valerie used to win all race events at our school's Olympics growing up. But for some reason, I become lightning fast when trying to catch a train. I may be the G.O.A.T bus and train catcher. It's gotten to a point where I can hear the train outside, run up the stairs, race to the turnstile, swipe my metro card, run up more stairs and still catch the train.

I can do straight lanes with minor detours too. Back when I lived in Montreal, I was late for school one day and saw the bus drive by the second I opened the door. Mind you, the stop was close to 100 meters from the crib. So I ran to the intersection, turned left, ran a block, busted another left and caught the bus at the following stop. So yeah...Put a train at the finish line and I think I got Usain.

I can't out swim Phelps, though. I can't really swim. I go forward. It's not too aesthetic of a look either. I'm sure some of you are as allegedly delusional as I am? What world class athletes, singers, actors are you better than? LOL

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Is The Light Skin Negra Really Making A Comeback?

Don't tell me the light skin negra never left. That awful House Of Payne series is Allen Payne's first steady gig since the 90s. Diddy is raising Al B. Sure's kid and Shemar Moore is hands down the C.O.A.T (corniest of all time) all across the ethnicity board.

Thankfully, I never had to worry about complexion coming up. By the time I started worrying about the girlies, Wesley Snipes (Free Him!)and Michael Jordan were in their prime. We haven't looked back since. If a dark skin vs. light skin war ever popped off, you yellow negras wouldn't stand a chance. We'd just baton the hell out of you guys. It doesn't matter how you wanna play it.

Best Actor: Sure, Will Smith is the Box Office G.O.A.T, but he's 0 for 2 with Oscar. With the exception of Morgan Freeman, who would fall into the light skin team in a Complexion Draft, every Academy Award Winner is on our team. Denzel Washington (twice), Sydney Poitier (Dos), Forest Withaker and Jamie Foxx. Plus we got Darth Vader.

Best Rapper: Kanye West is the best rapper alive and Lil' Wayne is the hottest rapper alive. You dudes may wanna have a huttle over there. Jay-Z is washed up, Nelly can't buy a hit, T.I. is going to jail and Ludacris is messing up Barak's campaign.

Basketball: Kobe is the best player in the world and Michael Jordan is the G.O.A.T.

Sex Symbols: Morris Chestnut and Idris Elba are still favorites with the ladies.

Funny Men: Chris Tucker, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Foxx, etc, etc. You dudes never picked up after Red Fox and Richard Pryor. The Wayans brother don't count (they're caramel, but ya'll can have them).

I could list a bunch of other things, but you dudes are already trailing by too much, so there' no point in doing so. By the way, we'll let you guys have Michael Jackson. That individual clearly won't make any good contribution to our party.

Come on, homie. We major! But that's until recently. We just lost Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes (R.I.P) this weekend. Wesley Snipes is about to go to jail for tax evasion and his punk ass is still putting out straight-to-DVD flicks like The Art Of War 2. Michael Vik was not a good look. And last but not least, Rick Ross allegedly lied about being a correctional officer. We're hurting, man. On the flip side, that kid Chris Brown is leading the light skin negra revolution at the ground level. As previously mentioned, Will Smith, who is not even 40 yet, is doing his damn thing.

But there's one dude in particular who is really killing us: Barak Obama. Should he be elected president, we're in trouble. Next thing you know, you hang out with a light skin friend and never get any looks. Then again, I'll pull out a technicality on you bums and petition for light skin negras to only be responsible for half of Obama. Still, the president of the U.S.> anybody else, so half could still do the trick. Damn! Is the light skin negra really making a comeback?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I Got Jungle Fever, She Got Jungle Fever...

I've played in the snow before. It's been years, though.

I guess I just don't find myself around white women anymore. And if I do, I'm not likely to pick them over sistahs. Interestingly, I had no options back in high school. I wanna say that's where my Wynona Rider appreciation comes from, but I found some old crushes on facebook and I was clearly bugging back then.

Just last week, my homie and I found ourselves looking at these two white girls at some event. They both clearly weren't "down" or "urban," but there was something about them. Then the question came up. Would you wife up a white girl? I quickly dismissed the possibility, but in retrospect, I have to reconsider. What If Alyssa Milano, my personal white chick G.O.A.T., was to holler? I've loved Jennifer Love Hewitt longtime (remember Party Of 5?). By the way, if I'm gonna go there, it gotta be a brunette or a redhead. I'm sure Edcredible will co-sign the redheads. So off top, I say absolutely not, but never say never.

I was watching Shooter with Mark Whalberg on HBO On Demand this weekend. The film co-starred this bad ass white girl, Kate Mara. Should a woman of her caliber approach me, I'd think twice.

Anyway, you'd be surprised how "deep" the party convos get. A few weeks back, another one of my homeboys (he's korean in case you care) asked me: If you could only be with one ethnicity (outside of yours) for the rest of your life, who would you pick? No brainer for me. Latinas! You know I'm a shallow dude, so by picking Latinas, I wouldn't feel restricted to one group on a visual level. They're the only ethnic group who can literally look like everybody (Indian, Asian, Arabic, White, Black, etc, etc). It's either that, or I'd pick whatever Kim Kardashian is. Montreal got some of the most beautiful Arab chicks, but they brothers and them will quickly karate kid kick yo ass and they're like the few people who aren't scared of haitians.

What about you guys? What ethnic group would you be with? And while we're at it, any of you got celebrity crushes from other ethnic groups? I think I have a G.O.A.T celebrity latina or indian. I'd rather find one in NY.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Ugh! This Is Such A Turn Off!

I had been working on a turn off blog for a minute, but Army Ans beat me to it not too long ago.

Though I agree that sloppiness, selfishness, excessive make-up, underarm hair, being a cheap skate and smoking are turn offs, body odor and bad breath are the only items Ans and I both listed. You know I'm a particular bastard, so my list is...well, particular. So here it goes. Also, to balance out this entry with some positive, I thought I'd add some unusual turn ons as well.

Colored Contacts: Do I really need to repeat myself? If so, just revisit some of my old contact rants.

Boogers: As mentioned in the “First Date Deal-Breakers” entry. Not a good look.

Gum Poppin': Oh...My...God! I don't hear that noise as much these
days. I’m not talking about blowing Hubba Bubba bubbles, but making small bubbles in your mouth and making them pop. At times, chicks make consecutive pops. Like, pop,pop,pop, pop! Sadly, I’ve seen just as many grown ass women partake in this infraction as little teen rats. Horse gum chewing with your mouth open is also repugnant.

Delusion: I’m sure this one goes for the fellers too. There aren’t too many things more annoying than an ugly chick who swears she's fly. Or even a cute chick who thinks she's gorgeous and keeps bragging about it. There must not be mirrors in some of ya'lls crib. By the way, beauty has never been in the eye of the beholder. Whoever came up with that one must have
been bbbbbbusted! Pardon my niggorance, I just get that anal (pause) sometimes. Delusion just triggers my inner asshole, pause. It just makes me wanna be a jerk off, (no pause) to the (female) culprit.

Sailors: I don't mind cursing when it's occasional and can appreciate it when it's used to emphasize something. But excess is hardly ever cool. So, on that note, be a fucking lady!

Bad Dressers: This one only applies to bad chicks. Cause if you ain't one of them, there probably isn't anything to turn on in the first place. There’s nothing worst than a beautiful woman who can’t dress. I remember going out with this shorty and she kept wearing fur coats, weird shirts, shawls, blankets, table cloths and sorts of tapestry.

Demands: Don’t ask me for nothing. I’m not one of them trick ass suckers. Don’t ask me for drinks. Don’t ask me for gifts. Don't ask me what I drive (metro card). Don’t ask me for hook ups. I always pay for dates, but if you double check, I'm making yo ass go dutch. Wouldn’t you prefer I give you something rather than having to ask for it?

Bird Drawl: Chances are, if you wear contacts and pop your gum, you is a hoodrat and talk
in bird drawl. It's like...they kinda speak from the nose or something and their speech drags. It’s real slow.

Gratuitous Attitude: I've had girls switch they ass or give me the eye-roll like the kid was trying to holla. "Excuse me, I was trying to tell you there's toilet paper stuck on your shoe. Moron!”

Now, for my turn ons...

Slight Overbites: I like a woman with a slight overbite. It’s sexy as hell. Eve and Kelita Smith from The Bernie Mac Show are great examples. I'm not sure, the picture above captures it well, but I remember noticing Eve's overbite when I first met her. The slight overbite, not to be confused with Bug Bunny ass chicklets, usually pushes the upper lip a bit. Seeeeexxxxyy!

Head-To-Toe: I also love when women leave something to the imagination. Now, I’m not gonna cover my eyes if I see cleavage or anything. But if milk did your body good, chances are I’ll still be able to tell if you’re covered from head-to-toe. I’m talking no cleavage and minimal leg exposure.

Soledad O'Brien (CNN)

Business Suits: I see them every morning. Women going to work, looking great in their business attire. Again, it’s not showing much skin. I used to have this thing for Jackie Reid from BET News. I could have been the suit. I have a thing for Soledad O’Brien nowadays. Perhaps, also the suit.

What about you guys? What are your turn offs? What about unusal turn ons?

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Let Go My Hand, Bitch!

I kid. I kid. I would never say that...allegedly.

Anyway, it should come as no surprise that I don't hold hands (relationship or not). I just don't get it. I tried, but it just freakin' feels uncomfortably confined. I'll put my arm around your shoulder. We can walk arm in arm. But fingers locked? Not so much.

I'm assuming hand-holding has to do with two things. First, it's territorial. You're basically saying, "hands off, hoe." Second, it's a sign of affection or something like that. Well, I'm sure there are better ways to show your love. See arm around shouler. And as for marking your territory, it's not necessary. Anyone seeing a guy and a girl together is to assume they are together. I don't care if I'm walking around with one of my girl cousins. You are to assume we're a pair, keep walking or look at the freakin' floor. Anybody approaching without inquiring first could be subjected to a karate kid ass kicking.

By the way, fellers. Should someone ever approach the girl you're with without checking with you first, he thinks he can whoop your ass. I mean, I wouldn't try to pull that crap on Debo. But that's an entirely different blog. Anyway, the arm in arm is cool if you're welcomed. Otherwise, fellers like me are forced to develop escape tactics. I still haven't figured anything more subtle then the gradual arm slide. As far hand-holding, if a girl tries to hold mine, I just start thumb-wrestling.

As always, there are exceptions. Similar to my stingy seafood policies (me and Paula Patton can go to Red Lobster anytime), I'd hold Halle Berry's hand strictly for stuntin' purposes. Now, I may grab your hand if we're walking through a tight crowd, but it'll probably be brief. Also, I must say I'm not opposed to a little hand flirting, but I don't know about this crap.

That's likely to lead to some thumb-wrestling right there. Again, hand flirting is cool. The crowd walkthrough is cool. But continuously holding hands from Times Square to 34th St? Why? Tell me ladies. What is it about holding hands? Fellers, are you for it, against it, or indifferent?