Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Curly Hair Vs. Straight Hair...

I've been meaning to do more of those. I blogged about Clean Cut Vs. Scruffy
and Short Vs. Tall Girls a while back. I was surprised at how many women preferred the scruffy look. Well, fellers, it's our turn to weigh in...sort of.

Word on the street (AKA the BET offices) was that I had a thing for light skinted girls with curly hair. I don't know where they got that from, but ask most of my curly-haired female friends and they'll tell you I prefer the straight look. I usually tell them they should straighten their hair more often. Now, don't none of you negras start giving me a hard time about being conditioned. I myself kept the curls in my long hair don't care days. I never could pull off an Ice-T look.

Anyway, most of my dude friends actually seem to love the curls, but per this article in Latina Magazine, which so happens to feature my homie Mariel and her twin sister, guys typically go for the straight locks. I personally feel like the curls just aren't for everybody. Some girls just don't rock it as well as others, be it natural curls or not. Sidebar: Girls like yesterday's topic, Reagan Gomez-Preston, just look good no matter how they rock their hair. She could be bald for all I care and still look good.

So, fellers, what's your preference? Straight hair? Curly hair? Phillies won? Ladies, for those of you who alternate between curly and straight locks. Does one particular look generate more attention?

Monday, September 29, 2008

I Don't Have A Type, But...

Reagan Gomez-Preston...

I don't have a type, but this is as close as it gets. My homeboy B. Dot just sent me this and now I can't focus at work, so I just had to blog about it.

I often struggle to describe what I mean by "simple beauty," but I think this is "it." She is gorgeous, but it's not an over the top movie star beauty. She is sexy, but even with the shirt open and all, she doesn't look cheap or slutty. Plus I like short girls (she is like 5' 3") so she's right up my alley. In case some of you don't recognize Mrs. Gomez-Preston (tears), she is Zaria from The Parenthood. yup!

Forget Stacey Dash, I'll break all my rules for Reagan. I will hold her hand in public. When I told the modest bastard how fond I was of Reagan, he inquired, "even with the kid?" As I told him, I'd buy the kid a Christmas gift every month. I'll be a stay home step dad. Man, she is so bad. I would stay with her even if she's crazy. I may even consider letting her win when we go bowling. Ok, ok, my brain is fried. Take away the comment section, guys.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

"Let's Do Lunch"

[Blogger's note: This one is for all my industry folks, but I hope the rest of ya'll enjoy it too.]

I realized something while discussing industry dating with my homegirl earlier today. I have never we should do lunch-ed somebody. And I'm sure glad I haven't.

For the record, the following only applies to new industry acquaintances. Asking a woman you just met to lunch seems to be the new let's go out on a date (for losers). Just like let me get your business card is the old I got that girl's number (for losers). I personally don't date industry women. Some of them are pretty bad, I've had opportunities and I've been tempted, but I just don't wanna go there. It just seems like a freakin' headache. Could it be a coincidence that I don't date industry women and have yet to "innocently" tell an industry chick we should lunch? Me think not.

One one of my homegirls told me she never picked up the check after a lunch. Sounds like a dating rule to me. First they pick up the bill, next thing you know they're texting you at borderline booty call hours. And to think it all started under the pretense of a business meeting. What's wack is that some dudes seem to be purposely blurring the lines, so they can fall back and pull the business card (no pun intended) should the girl bring up boundaries. I ain't trying to holler, we just chopping it up. Something of that nature.

Take this writer I know for example. She met this DJ and eventually had lunch with him. He picked up the tab of course. Anyway, the DJ soon began texting her increasingly. It eventually got out of hand, so she told dude it was inappropriate for him to text so frequently because she was seeing somone. Now, the DJ did compliment her looks and all, bur he never made a clear play. He could easily pull a My bad, I thought we was cool. Even worse, the next time he's with the homies, he may just bad mouth shorty to save face, talking about, Yo, that girl came out her face and made it seem like I wanted to holler. We only had lunch and shit.

So ladies, have business lunches with men become dates of sorts? Take the writer for example. Having been in similar scenarios before, should she have known this case would be no different? If so, was she wrong for bringing up the relationship when she agreed to lunch that she knew may have been construed as a date in the first place? I can actually relate, though. If an industry girl invites me to lunch (her ass is definitely paying for that burger) or wants to hang out, I also won't assume she wants to date.

Well, I don't date in the industry, but I'm sure some of you do? If so, how was the experience? Would you do it again? Don't be scared. You can be anonymous. Feel free to discuss all of the above.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Nice Guys Are the Biggest Assholes (Pause)

I'm either a nice guy or an asshole, pause, depending who you ask.

The funny thing is, whoever thinks I'm a nice guy has a hard time picturing me as an asshole, pause, and vice versa. I'm actually both. I start out nice (almost) every time. But if the situation calls for it, the dickhead, pause, comes out.

Up until recently, I've been pretty quiet about it, but we've been trying to overcome a pretty tense situation at work. While most showed their frustrations, I remained poker face. With everybody seemingly having an attitude, somebody Interestingly referred to me as "bubbly." They clearly perceived me to be the nice guy. Maybe I need to stop smiling so damn much. What they didn't know is that I was about one meeting away from shoving a pencil sharpener up somebody's pooper, pause. Again, I don't show teeth when the situation calls for It. I'll be bigger penis, pause. Don't make this a piss test. I piss it out of the freakin' park.

Little do you know, I got a chance to briefly exercise my assholism at the gym last night. Well, I just did a few reps and called it a day. Me and Jesus got on two tredmills next to one another, but mine was broke. But since he only planned to warm up a bit before his session, he told me to just jump on his (pause) after he's done. Mind you, there wasn't a soul waiting for treadmills when we got there. I saw at least two machines open up while Jesus was warming up, but I just stayed put so I can chop it up with the homie. So he finally gets off and I see this alleged carpet muncher approach. "Excuse me, I was already waiting for this one," I revealed while stepping on the tred. The muncher initially didn't say anything, but quickly changed her tune when she noticed that no other machine was available.

Alleged Carpet Muncher: But people were waiting.

Me: I was waiting too. I was just standing on this tredmill.

ACM: The line is over there though. You just got here. It's common sense.

Me: Ok! This conversation is over. Mind your business.

ACM: [Charlie Brown Teacher Talks For 1 minute]

Me: Enjoy your work out.

ACM: The line was there. It's common sense.

Me: How would you know that? You don't have any common sense.

ACM: Why don't you mind your business?

Me: I've been trying to for the past five minutes, but you keep trying to talk to me.

At this point Jesus should have co-signed and told the muncher I had been waiting. But noooooooooooooo! He was too busy smirking at the exchange.

ACM: You bastard!

Me: ...

ACM: ...Motherfucka!

Me: [Sarcastically] Wow! You called me a motherfucka. Enjoy your workout. [Puts headphones in]

ACM: *@"¥€£¤{%!

Me: [Points at headphones]

ACM: [To Jesus] Tell him he's a dick wad.

I could have been a much bigger dick to her, pause, due to her adam's apple. I guess I didn't feel like really going in, pause. Then again, part of me wanted her to cross a line, so I could really cuss her out. All to say, don't sleep on nice guys. They're probably the biggest assholes.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

She's Bad, But She's In A Wheelchair...

I'm mad Waiting came out before I had a chance to document my Red Lobster days in a film. I'm talking about the Red by Green Acres Mall in Valley Streams, LI by the way. It used to be world famous or something.

I've seen some things in there. I don't know what it is about shrimps and crab legs, but folks used to wait in line for up to two, three hours just to get a table during the good days. I've seen fights in the lobby, armed security guards get two-pieced and learned that one of the cooks got shot in the parking lot after his shift one night. But for all the drama, the best thing about the job was the shorties, the ones who worked there and the guests of course. It was like a freakin' club on Saturdays. The talent pool was so deep, I mostly met chicks while on the job at one point.

By the way, I was a host, not a waiter. There's no way I could have dealt with these asshole customers. I would have gotten fired quick. One of the most memorable guest I sat was actually this bad ass shorty in a wheelchair. It sounds silly, but I had never seen an attractive woman in a wheelchair before. I couldn't help but stare. She was that bad. She actually kept giving me a pretty inviting smile everytime I walked by, but I wasn't about to try and talk to her. I didn't have a car. Picture me telling her to meet me at the Jamaica Avenue train station. Besides, it just felt weird.

The funny thing is, she came back a few months later and one of the waiters claimed his man beat. Apparently, she was a jump and had been around the block a few times. Interesting! So here are the questions du jour. Every been attracted to someone in a wheelchair? Ever dated someone in a wheelchair? Would you date someone in a wheelchair, or a person with some type of handicap? True story, I remember dancing with a girl who had one hand a few years back. The thing is, I didn't notice until later. We were cracking jokes later in the evening when my hand brushed against hers. I momentarily froze, but then got right back to the jokes so she wouldn't feel bad. We actually became cool. That's just about the closest I came to dating someone with some sort of disability. I wonder what part of the block the Red Lobster shorty is on now.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

If I Was Anslem Samuel...

Hungry "Anslem" Samuel...

First off, if Anslem looked like me, he'd prolly get a lot more hoes, so keeping up with his fast would be the least of his worries. I kid. I kid.

But seriously, if you're not familiar with Anslem, he's one of my co-workers at XXL Magazine. He's also featured in my Funky Blog Roll under nakedwithsockson.com. A little over two weeks ago, Ans announced he'd be fasting for 30 days. Phillies won! To make a long story even longer (Anslem loves to do that), the Naked one, pause, cannot eat, pause, drink water, chew gum or have sex as he fasts for an entire month. I may be getting the details screwed up, so [click here] for accuracy. To make the experience more "epic" as he likes to say, he challenged himself to write 90 blogs in 30 days.

Really? It just can't be that serious. I don't like blogging that freakin' much. I only post entries when they write themselves. So, posting three a day isn't likely. It's not that I don't care, it's that I just don't give a fruck! I thought I blogged about everything, but Ans got me beat, pause. See for yourself.

Day One:

Anslem: I woke up this morning, took a piss and washed my hands.

If I was Anslem: Phillies Won!

Day Six:

Anslem: It was the moment I feared. I haven't had food in days and my stomach is crying.

If I was Anslem[Not In A Blog]: Man, I'm starving. I'm bout to get me some Popeyes.

If I was Anslem, I wouldn't be fasting for no 30 days. I tried fasting for three days last year and cheated all over the freakin' place. Yogurts here, bananas, pause, there. By Day 2, I gave up because the M train stationed at the Myrtle/Broadway stop too long. I just couldn't take the greasy smell, so I got off the train and took my ass to Popeyes.

Speaking of food, I don't always like to share mine. But it's fun to do bad things, so I've been trying to get Anslem to cheat, pause, by offering him water, gum and even volunteering to pay for his lunch. Who knows if he's keeping it funky, though. Sure, he walks by my cubicle munching on some clove (ewwww, Ans, not Illll), but what does he do when nobody's around? Phillies won, but I'm just saying. By the way, by the time I'm done writing this sentence, I will have completed my own little challenge: 90 words in 30 seconds...96 to be exact.

So, when you're done laughing at one of my hilarious posts, go down (pause for the dudes) to my Funky Blog Roll and check out Ans' blog for some good ole mushy TMI action. But seriously, check him out. I'm sure you'll appreciate some of his posts. If you don't, offer him a sandwich or something. [SMILEY!]

Monday, September 15, 2008

I Just Don't Want To Like You...

PS: My Palin entry was my 100th post, but I didn't do anything special for it cause I just didn't think it was that big a deal.

So I checked my email this morning and saw I had been tagged in yet another facebook note.

Nope! It wasn't Anslem's hungry ass writing about wanting to cheat his fast with a cheeseburger, but the homie Kevin L. Clark. I've been enjoying reading Kev's relationships stories over at Hello Beautiful, so I clicked through to see what his latest entry was about. Imagine my disgust when Kev referred to Tyler Perry as “the new king of black Hollywood” when reviewing his latest flick, The Family That Preys.

I immediately stopped reading and hit Kev on IM.

Me: Don't ever call Tyler Perry the new king of black Hollywood ever in your life.

Kev: LOL. Why not? It's true. Watch as he bodies the game with box office movies unlike predecessors - Spike Lee and Antoine Fuqua.

Me: You is blasphemous.

Kev: You is - what is this? The Antebellum South?

Me: Man! I can't respect them Madea pictures. Just can’t.

Kev: But you love Martin...

Me: Yup! Remember that blog, though. I realize that he was shucking and jiving as much as the next man [at the time]. The difference is he's funny. Perry is corny.

Kev: Go see The Family That Preys and tell me if it's corny...

Me: I don't wanna see it. I’m only curious [to see it] because of Sanaa Lathan.

Kev: Go see it.

Me: Sounds like u were impressed?

Kev: I was. Very much so. If he can successfully kill Madea, he can have a great career in Hollywood.

Me: I mean, he already does. He pumps out movies fastand generates lot of money. I just don't want to like him, ok.

I was just busting Kev's balls, pause, but he was right. If we're talking Box Office, the king of Hollywood, period, so happens to be a black man: Will Smith. But if we're talking about targeting the black demo, Tyler Perry flicks generate the most doe right now. Spike Lee and Fuqua's movies are more substantial and just flat out better, but they don't bring in as much mula. I'm not sure Fuqua ever had a hit by Blockbuster standards (100 mill +), but Lee's Inside Man (2006) was the first hit of his then 20-year career.

I remember vowing to never watch Diary Of A Mad Black Woman. But since I was in a relationship (yup, I've been in one of those) at the time, I compromised and saw it at the movies. It turns out, the flick wasn't as God awful as I expected it to be. I saw Why Did I Get Married last fall and enjoyed it. Still, I can't stand Tyler Perry for some reason. Maybe it's because of his horrible movie titles. Similarly, I don't wanna like Young Jeezy, but man... that Recession album is fire.

So my question is, is there something, or somebody you don't want to like? And if so, how do you really feel about it?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sarah Palin > Michelle Obama

Before accusing me of being a republican, bare with me.

Me and a few of the fellers, including Mark (proud Palin slugger) briefly discussed John McCain earlier today when the question came up. "Would you f Sarah Palin," one of the fellers asked. Interestingly, we all responded in unison. "Yup! Oh Yeah! Hell yeah!" Don't sleep. Governor Palin is a former beauty pageant contestant. The sisters won't like this one, but we also agreed that given the opportunity, we'd spend the night with Palin rather than Michelle Obama.

I know there's been much talk about Michelle Obama having a subtle bubble, but I personally haven't paid much attention to it. On the flip side, when Palin was announced as McCain's VP, I automatically thought, "she's a good looking lady." Palin isn't a dime or anything. There's just something about her. I doubt it's photoshopped, but I think a lot of cats dig her because of that phony photo circulating with her wearing a bikini.

Let's not get it twisted, I still want Barack Obama to win. So let me ask you guys? Fellers, would you beat Sarah Palin? Ladies, be gentle on us. Barack the vote!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Was Martin Shuckin' & Jivin?

I've been building my DVD collection as of late.

I purchase at least one DVD every paycheck. You'd be surprised how fast it builds up your library. I recently copped some old classics, including The Karate Kid, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and the first three seasons of Martin. Actually, I've been OD-ing on Martin. I've watched one season and a half in roughly a month since buying the DVDs.

I must say, I don't recall it being so freakin' hilarious. It's always funny for me to look back at sitcoms years later. I always become much more analytical. I'm not sure I noticed it at the time, but Martin definitely relied more on physical comedy than dialogue to get laughs. But seeing Marty Mart excessively sing and dance, shout and dress up as Shananah, Mama Payne, Otis, Jerome, Dragon Fly Jones, Elroy Preston and Roscoe, among others, I can't help, but think..."Damn! Was Martin shucking and jiving?"

Dragon Fly Jones

Mama Payne

See, when Tyler Perry first pulled Madea out, I was among the first to call foul on the play. I'm not alone. Perry has been long criticized for caricaturing black folks on the big screen. If Martin faced similar criticism at the time, I definitely don't remember it. But, what really separates him from Martin? Shoot! Madea and Mamma Payne are basically cut from the same mold. Two no-nonsense elderly lady who will cut you if the situation calls for it. Actually, a case could be made for Mamma Payne being more over the top than Madea. But, besides Martin being way funnier, what makes Tyler a coon, and Martin, not?

I'm completely bias and will most likely find reasons to defend Martin at any cost, so I turn to you guys. Was Martin shucking and jiving? And why is Tyler Perry getting a bad rep when others get/got a pass?