Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Hey Dude, You Have a Dimple...

There's never a dull moment at work.

If I need a break from my exhaustive workload, I can just step right outside of my office and walk ear-first into some of the most entertaining debates you can imagine. Two dudes in particular usually spar against one another. We'll call them Shawn and Dwight, two debaters who quickly go for the jugular whenever the other slips.

In any event, they both suggested that I write an entry about one of their latest battles. In the middle of a recent debate, Shawn thought it was a good idea to mention, "hey, you have a dimple" to Dwight. Needless to say Dwight seized the moment and tortured Shawn for his slip-up. He immediately gave him grief for telling another man about his dimple. Though the original debate took place two days ago, I just called them into my office so they can re-state their case for you guys. Here's how it went.

[Shawn and Dwight both step into my office]

Me: So, I'm bout to blog about this and I want to get it right. What's your take on the dimple thing?

Dwight: I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to bring notice, compliment, anything of another man’s dimple. Some things God invented for women to compliment and dimples are one of them.

Shawn: [Rolls his eyes] All I said, was, "Yo, you have a dimple. I pointed it out, because you have one. I didn’t say your dimple is cute, I said you got a dimple when you smile. It’s an observation I made.

Dwight: So if I got nice pearly white teeth, you gon tell me about it?

Shawn: Shit, if you got nice teeth, you got a nice smile, yea.

[Me and Dwight shake our heads in disagreement]

Shawn: Y’all niggas are so homophobic.

[Dwight walks out and closes the door behind him.]

Me: Yo, leave the door open.

Dwight: [Laughs]

Actually, I don't think there's anything homophobic about it. I don't really think Shawn's comment made Dwight uncomfortable. He was bustin' his balls, pause, because he could. It's the same reason we pause. It's for the sport, nothing else. If you slip up and say something that can be perceived as questionable in front of other men, be prepared to face the consequences. That's just how it is? And frankly, it usually makes for memorable comedy.

So, what do you guys think? Should Shawn have told Dwight about his dimple? Was Dwight too hard on Shawn, pause? Has pausing gone too far? Let's talk about it!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Did You Really Just Ask Me That On Facebook?



I love facebook. Through it, I’ve been able to get in contact with a good number of folks I otherwise never would have been able to reconnect with—people I haven’t seen in roughly 10-13 years.

So yea, I love facebook. It’s an application on my phone, so when I’m out and about you may get one of my random updates. I don’t like twitter, so I usually use facebook to satisfy my urges for public randomness. Maybe it has to do with those damn updates, but there’s some definite inappropriateness going on on facebook.

I could be wrong, but I don’t remember myspace having the same problem. I noticed that people love asking personal questions on fb. Like, rather than send a message, they'll inquire, " are you dating anybody right now" or "got any kids yet" right on your freakin' wall for your 500 to 1000 friends to see. Needless to say, I always respond in an email. Now, I won’t make any excuses, but those long-lost friends are more focused on the fact that they haven't heard from you in years, not that their means of communication is questionable. In that sense, they almost (but not quite) get a pass. Now, I really have a bone to pick with people I communicate with often. Some will text me all day and then ask me a question on fb. Dude, why? You couldn’t send me one more text? What’s even worse is they’ll keep hitting you on facebook, not via text, if you ignore their question.

You see, I’m particular. “Looking forward to this weekend” is an acceptable wall post. You and the poster know exactly what it’s about, but it’s vague enough that no one else is in your business. Now, “you still coming to Marquee Tuesday?” is absolutely unacceptable. The post mentions a date and location. That's just too much information. It's probably isn't a big deal for some. I know a lot of you only accept people you know, so you don't mind any of that information going around. But for me, facebook isn't only family and friends. I accept everyone blindly, so some of fb friends don't know me from a can of paint.

Have you guys noticed the same thing? Has someone posted a personal question your wall before? If you don't mind sharing it, what was it?

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Blacker the Berry...



I'm sorry, but this never-ending conversation doesn't get old for me— perhaps 'cause it hits home.

Since I've already written about my alleged light skin preference on this blog, I thought I'd bring up an angle we haven't discussed before. Now, I'll say it again. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a complexion preference. I personally don't have one, but I typically can't blog or mention my appreciation for Paula Patton without being called out on it. But here's what I've noticed, at least in my circles. It seems like a lighter guy can mention his red bone penchant with little to no reproach. I, on the other hand, usually get crucified for being attracted to a woman who supposedly isn't dark enough. A person I've never met (I actually don't know who she is) once commented, "Funny, none of your examples even had your skin color...hmmmmm" when I posted images of Patton, Kim Kardashian, Amerie and Lauren London in an old post discussing beauty. So the fruck what? I've also heard, "I know Nia Long is your personal G.O.A.T., but she's not even that dark." So, you mean to tell me I should prefer women closer to my complexion? Isn't that discriminatory?

The thing that always gets me is that these allegations are never based on anything tangible. Most of the morons who've accused me of being a light skin lover are people who have never seen a single person I've dated. Now, I could try to dig up photos of ex girlfriends and past flings, but then I'd be as bad as white people who say they aren't racist because they have black friends.

Though I refuse to acknowledge a preference, I admit the ratio of women I've dated has been on the lighter side the past year or so. But it wasn't by design, just coincidental. The crazy thing is that once I realized it, I momentarily thought the next woman I date should be dark skinned in order to break the cycle. Nonsense! I seem to stumble on patterns. That's what I do. I'm pretty sure I had a darker streak at some point. How come no one said anything then? Isn't it prejudice if I only date dark skinned women? Or is it cool because I'm also dark? On another note, I always hear women, light and dark, say how they prefer darker men. I don't hear anybody complaining there, especially not me. This is clearly not a generalization, at least maybe not outside my circles.

Now, I'm really about to get in trouble. Sorry, but I don't hear too many pretty dark skin women complaining about this dark skin/light skin crap. Again, that's my personal experience, not a generalization. And don't y'all have the nerve to tell me Serena Williams is pretty. FOH! I wouldn't pick Tiny over Gabrielle Union and I shouldn't be expected to choose India Arie over Sanaa Lathan.

I'm not saying there are no complexion-related injustices out there. I'm not sure a candidate of my color would get too far in the presidential race. And there's no denying that the light/dark ratio for women is absurdly disproportionate in Hollywood. But it has nothing to do with my preference or lack thereof.

Free Wesley Snipes!

PS: Reading is fundamental.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Garbage Man...


You guys will have to excuse me if this entry comes off a bit cocky in the beginning, but it's needed to put things into perspective.

Simply put, I've never played a sport I wasn't good at. At 5, I was already playing soccer with my 15-year-old brother and my dad, both excellent soccer players in their own right. By the time I got to the little leagues, these kids didn't stand a chance. I remember just killing the tryouts one year. I must have been 7 or 8. My team was ahead by a few goals when the coaches had the brilliant idea to switch me over to the other team. Ppff! We came right back and beat my old team. My World Cup ambitions didn't last too long, though. Soon enough, I was obsessed with baseball. To this day, my brother Gary thinks I could have made the pros if I stuck with it. But then I started playing basketball.

Now, things got to a slower start with bball. The other kids were pretty experienced by the time I started balling so I had to play catch-up. I eventually did and became a pretty good player. Well, not NBA good, but good enough to compete with the best I've played against. But like soccer and baseball, my hoop dreams eventually came to an end. This time, it wasn't for lack of interest, I knew I wasn't draft material, so I TRIED (key word) focusing on school instead. I haven't played consistent ball since maybe 2001, so needless to say my skills have greatly deteriorated since then. It was slow road, though.

Once I stopped playing, I got into the bad habit of playing once or twice a year. I remember playing for the first time in about a year back in '02, '03. My cousins Diddy and Frantz are witnesses. "I haven't played in like a year," I disclaimed minutes before the game started. By the fourth or fifth possession, I got by my defender with a jab step, cradled the ball Stacey Augmon-style, and went up for a dunk over my cousin's neighbor. "You haven't played in a year my ass," the anonymous neighbor complained. I missed the dunk. But the point was, despite having been away from the game for so long, I could still play.

About two years ago, I had some memorable playground 2 on 2 games with my boys Ed, Fred and Guytwin. Though rusty, I clearly still had some ball left in me, pause. Feeling good at the time, I told myself (as I had a million times before) that I had to get back on the court before it was too late. I was still hopeful when I played a few games after work last summer. I was leaning towards the awful side, but nothing a few pick-up games wouldn't have fixed. As many times as my boy Hobbs invited me to play ball on Saturdays, I declined to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm all day. It's not like I hadn't seen the episodes before. I mean, I own the entire series on DVD for God's sake.

Anyway, my boy Jax hit me to join his basketball team last week. Hmmmmmmmmm! Why not? I figured I'd been putting the game off all those years, so it was finally time to get back to it before I reached the point of no return. Well, apparently it's too late. We had our first scrimmage this past Monday to determine what division we'll play in. Like I said, despite being on the suckier side, I had some moments the last few times I played ball. Well, there were no moments on Monday. Man, I sucked hard, pause! The funny thing is I observed the other team during the warm-ups and thought to myself, "these guys suck, (1) I probably won't look too bad." Please! I sucked against sucky players— the kind of guys I probably would have embarrassed back in the day. It was so bad! I had all these great moves in mind, but it's like my body wouldn't follow. And let's not even talk about my cardio. I was Allen Iverson out there, hitting the floor and stuff. Sure, my sneakers are done and the floor was slippery, but I didn't see anybody else take a dive. And I'm not talking Dennis Rodman hustle dives. I'm talking fall off my ass dives. Man, I'm garbage. Fittingly, I've become a garbage man— the type that has to settle for rebounds off good positioning and contribute with hustle plays 'cause he doesn't have the talent to keep up in other areas. What a mess! SMH!

I'm glad I'm able to poke fun, but it does hurt a bit. All those inactive years, basketball never left me. I'm at home shadow dribbling on my way to the kitchen on a daily basis. Either that, or I flick my wrist (pause) to motion jumpers at any random moment. Too bad those non-exercises didn't help preserve my game. I'll probably never be the same player, but I hope I can get back to a decent level.

What about you guys? Have you had similar experiences playing the sports you've played growing up? Maybe it was dancing, or something else. In any event, I'd like to know about it. If y'all suck too, it may just make me feel a bit better.

(1) I don't pause in my thoughts

Monday, November 23, 2009

I Quit!




Obviously, blogging hasn't been easy for me these past few months.

It's not that my life's been so uneventful that I haven't had anything to write about, not exactly. As I've told you before, I prefer blogging when the entries write themselves. And whenever something blogworthy happened during the past few months, I've seemingly struggled to find the right words to bring new entries to life. It's usually much easier when recounting real life events, but even that hasn't been working. At one point, I was playing around with this Top 10 Overrated White Girls list, but I never quite got into the right rhythm to complete it.

While on hiatus, I occasionally bumped into people asking when my next blog was coming. I never had an answer. By the way, last week's entry, Told You I Was the G.O.A.T., almost never made it onto the site. I must have contemplated it for weeks before finally writing it. As always, when I finally decided to move forward, the entry wrote itself. I actually thought it was some of my best work. I felt great about it until I realized it only got five comments, including two from some anonymous person. Man, I bricked! I went triple wood!

Frankly, I'm a little confused... but I’m pretty sure I think you guys suck. I thought I had an instant classic on my hands, but instead of commenting, you punks hit me on AIM with some "lol, crazy" or asked me some unrelated questions like, "what's good for the weekend?" Assholes! I mostly make fun of poultry on this blog, but the one time I write an entry about a girl I like, you guys don’t have anything to say? Was it not goofy enough? Am I relegated to writing about pelicans, interior scarf wearing pricks, fasting bloggers, upsetting train rides and weird theories? You people disgust me. I guess you jerks didn’t miss me that much. I quit!

KIDDING!

But seriously, I'm still curious to know what you think about last week's entry, so if you haven't yet, click here and leave a comment. You can be anonymous.

[Blogger's Note: I'm sure someone somewhere thinks I'm dead serious]

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Told You I Was the G.O.A.T...

Those of you who know me know I’m somewhat of a hoodrat.

I’m the type to do something stupid just so I can tell you about it later. For example, one of my boys got into a quasi-fight with a fa’nook (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and his homegirl earlier this year. I knew the fellers had it covered, so rather than jump in, I went across the street and got our "adversaries"' friend’s number just so I can tell my boys about it over drinks.

I haven’t had to make up too many stories lately, though. I’ve become sort of the G.O.A.T. Just last Wednesday my facebook status read, “Is tired of being the G.O.A.T.” Right on cue, my boy Ali, a Top 5 Carl ball buster right behind my punk ass cousin Farrah, commented, “Oh Carl, I'm so glad that you're still that same ole humble person.” Actually, I wasn’t referring to any prowess, but my unmatched ability to find myself in the most unlikely storylines—the type of stuff you just can’t make up.

Like, I was kinda sorta so to speak hanging out with this girl this summer. We’ll call her Tina. I can’t really remember how many dates we’d been on at the time, but we spoke via AIM fairly often and occasionally traded text messages. Anyway, one night, during one of our many IM conversations, we began toying with the idea of hooking up some of our friends. She apparently had this one girl in mind. We’ll call her Rachel. You know us guys always need visuals (even when it's not for us) before committing to a hook up. Thankfully, she told me providing photos wouldn’t be a problem ‘cause Rachel had a website. Imagine my surprise when I clicked the link. I'd actually gotten Rachel’s phone number at a bar in the city days before. TRUE STORY!

To make a long story even longer, I was standing near the front door, trying to see if this bench was dry enough to sit on when Rachel invited me to sit next to her. After chatting for a few minutes, she announced that she was leaving and suggested, “why don't you take my number down?” Mind you, I had no clue Tina and Rachel were friends; and Rachel didn’t know Tina and I were talking. It was all pure coincidence. WHAT…THE…FUCK!

Still in shock, I pondered my options. Should I tell her? What if I don’t and bump into Tina and Rachel at a later date? I hadn’t even made contact with Rachel, so how big a deal could it be? Thinking I had more to lose by keeping it a secret, I decided to tell her. Now, my cousin was against it. He said I should have avoided potential Rachel collisions for some time and then brush it off if I ever had to face the situation. Only me. I swear!!!

But wait, there’s more. Several weeks later, Tina so happened to be on my facebook page and noticed that I recently friended a girl named Tonya. She must have sensed that Tonya and I met earlier this summer. Not sure if it’s standard behavior when women like guys, but Tina decided to click through. Come to find out, Tonya had two friends in common, me and Tina's EX!!!!! Further research revealed that her ex contemplated talking to Tonya, but decided against it for reasons that are none of your nosy ass business.

SO, I typically conclude entries with one question, but I’ll use a mini questionnaire today. Did I make the right decision by telling Tina? Fellers, would you tell? Ladies, how would you respond if you were Tina? Was my cousin’s advice any good? Do you ever look through your mate, person-of-interest/secret crush’s facebook page to see what's going on? See you guys in four months.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My Inner Nerd...



I've never been much of a nerd growing up.

I never looked the part and surely never had the grades to match. I did pretty good in college, but as I may have mentioned before, I managed to get good grades without buying any books and I hardly ever studied. Not too nerdy. But looking back now, I've always been into things associated with nerds...at least for grown ups.

I'm not much of a comic book collector. My last purchase was the Watchmen graphic novel I bought earlier this year. Before that I pretty much got my Marvel and D.C. Comics education through my older brother's immense collection. I may not buy new comics, but I turn into an absolute stan when superheroes hit the big screen. Well, there are exceptions. Hulk was pretty suckspect and I gave up on Daredevil the second I found out Ben Affleck was casted as Matt Murdock. But if I like them, I usually cop the DVD when they come out.

I've been having a hard time adding Transformers and G.I. Joe to my DVD collection, though. Not the movies, but the original cartoon series. I always found some questionnable versions on Amazon.com, but they never looked too official. It turns out the complete series will finally be available this month, Transformers next week and G.I. Joe on July 22. You already know my inner nerd came out and I pre-ordered them joints.

Video games are another thing associated with nerds but everybody but me has a recent system (I never got past PS2) so I'm not sure it counts. What about you guys? What are some of the "nerdy" things you're into? Does your room look like Steve Carrell's in The 40-year-old Virgin? Tell me about your inner nerd.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

How Dare You Say That About Michael's Song?



When Michael Jackson passed last Thursday, I called my older brother Gary— the main person responsible for me being an MJ stan growing up.

"Are you gonna blog about it?" he asked. I did try writing a little something, but just couldn't find the right words so I left it alone. Besides, what's another blurb on MJ these days. Like, pretty much anything comes off cliche at this point. Yes, I still can't believe he's gone. Yes, it feels like a family member died. Yes, I've never seen anything like this in my lifetime. 

It's incredible to walk around and hear random cars bump cuts off Thriller or Off the Wall. The day after his death, most of us at the job expected MJ sales to go back up possibly even top the charts. Well, we looked at the numbers this morning and it turns out he actually has the top 3 albums in the country. His Number Ones CD sold 107, 800 copies, Essential Michael Jackson moved 102, 000 units and Thriller scanned 101, 000 CDs. 

After sharing chart numbers, some of us at the office somehow ended up pitting Thriller against Off the Wall. While my boy Rob picked Off the Wall, my other co-worker, who shall remain anonymous, chose Thriller— citing that the album only had one "wack song." I don't know about you guys, but I thought that album was pretty much flawless, let alone featured a "wack song." The funny thing is, I was just listening to "The Lady In My Life" on my iPod moments earlier, so I showed it to him. "Yes! That song," he confirmed. "That song is horrible." Dude! That song is a CLASSIC and there's no debating it. If you think otherwise, I'm forced to question you as a human being. Basically, you're suckspect. Rob and I immediately told him he was bugging. If you can't remember the song off top, click here to listen. 

Man, I borderline took it personal when he dissed the song. He said it was too soft. Duhhhhh! It's a freakin' love song. Anyway, should my co-worker have been stabbed, shot, or gotten the chair for blaspheming on MJ's classic? Anybody else think that song is "horrible" or "too soft?" If so, please delete me from your facebook. Thank you!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Have You Ever Been Blogged About?

I've said it a while back and I'll say it again. Blogging is the new rapping.

Everybody's got a freakin' blog. Interestingly enough, my blog has become sort of a punchline for some of my friends. We'll be out, something totally random happens and they joke, "you gon blog about this?" In some instances, something they deem blogworthy happens and they suggest that I write about it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Some of my personal favorite blog entries have actually been inspired by my friends' suggestions. At times, they have dilemmas and ask me to blog about it so they can get some input from the comments. I usually run details by them before and make sure I do have their permission posting anything. 

I didn't always do the same thing for some of my earlier blog topics. I admit, I've written an entry or three poking fun at some women I've dated. I should have known better. God knows I'd be pissed if I found out that some girl blogged about me. A few of my homies have been dissed in blogs in the past. They weren't too thrilled. 

I still write from experience, but now the bulk of the content is based on convos I have with my friends. Still, sometimes I wonder if some people feel targeted whenever reading this blog. I hope not. 

What about you guys? Have you ever been blogged about? If so, was it flattering? Was it upsetting? What'd you do about it? As far as I know I've never been blogged about. And since I don't blog about anybody in particular, I hope it stays that way. If not, you guys might witness some serious ether.  


Monday, June 1, 2009

I Should Like You...But I Just Don't

I still blog from time to time in case you were wondering.

I just haven't had much to talk about lately so I hit the streets and started messing with people for inspiration. Still nothing. But I was talking to this bel ti fi earlier today and thought of something. Some of my friends (hi Mark) tease me about being too picky every now and then. I must say, I can't totally disagree with them. I also tend to make a big deal out of small things, so I get turned off of women pretty easy.

I ran a few deal-breaking incidents by a few of my friends a while back. They all had a good laugh, but for the most part, they didn't think the infractions were that bad. Looking back, maybe they weren't. The thing is, in some cases, it's a build up. Once somebody has annoyed you one too many times, from that point, the slightest thing will get on your nerves from here on out.

Anyway, taking into consideration that I may have been bugging, I told myself I needed to loosen up a bit...you know, try to focus on women's qualities rather than fuss about them asking too many questions during movies. I did try to apply my new tude. The thing is, no matter how much the girls had going for themselves, it just wasn't enough. They were cute, intelligent, liked Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, but still...NOTHING! The girls were great on paper, but I didn't care. It's like... I forced myself to like somebody, but it obviously didn't work. Like, I should like you, but I just don't. Oh well, I'll probably fall for the biggest bitch instead. 

Fellers, ever been in the same situation? Ladies, I know you have.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Chery Love: If I Had My Own VH1 Show



I'm not gonna lie, I'm a sucker for those VH1 love shows. I religiously watched the first two seasons of Flavor Of Love, didn't miss a beat on Real Chance Of Love and really enjoyed For The Love Of Ray J.

Those of you who have been reading this blog know I've had a hard time meeting my match. Who knows, VH1 may be able to help. I'm no celebrity but I look at least better than Flavor Flav and I haven't been doing too bad for myself over the years, so I'd like to think I'd be able to attract a pretty decent stable. If anything, maybe they'd be excited about being seen on TV.

I'm a nobody, but you'd swear I was famous the way I'd be acting on the show. Here's the trick, I'd have to be involved in every single recruiting phase. We'd probably hit up Habana Outpost in Broolyn for some prospects. Some of these Love contestants be hurt so I'm not trying to waste my time or theirs for that matter. It's either that, or I eliminate roughly half the pack by the first episode. Once the cast is slimmed down to a few beauties, I probably wouldn't make cuts every episode. I'd take my time to get to know the girls.

I'm not big on PDA (Public Display Of Affection), so you wouldn't catch me tonguing down none of the chicks on camera. Flavor consulted with Big Rick, Real and Chance had each other and New York took advice from the wicked witch of Eastwick, so I'd have my own counsel comprised of some of my best buds, including Mark, Sam please say the Ed, Roni, my cousins Frantz and Ted and my 514 fam, Edcredible, Fred and Qwest, to help me make decision. You dunn know I'm tight with a bunch of Haitian vackquabonds, so there would probably be some  extra goons hangin' around whatever Mansion Viacom gets for us. Here's the twist. Once elimininated, the girls wouldn't be kicked out the house, just removed from the competition. They'd still get to come whenever we go out, they just wouldn't be in contention to be the last girl. But since my boys are around anyway, I'd tell him to holler at any of the ex contestants if they felt one of them. The good thing is, since I wouldn't kiss any of them, it's not like my boys would get sloppy seconds or anything. We were just talking. It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none, right? I wouldn't be surprised if one of them assholes tried to holla at one of the girls I'm liking either. 

I'm thinking I may wanna invite past contestants from other shows too. I saw Rabbit in the city a few times and she definitely lived up to my in-person expectations. I like me some Buckeey, but I don't do poultry, so I'd probably have to leave her on some Atlanta video set. Trust me, I run with a bunch of characters. There wouldn't be too much Sean Coonery, but there'd be jokes for days. Come to think about it, I probably wouldn't even be the real star of the show.

What about you, fellers? What would your show be like? Ladies, would you ever consider being a contestants for a person you like, or have say 20 men fight over you? Knowing myself, I'd probably give VH1 a headache then go crazy and quit the first day.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I Don't Look Like Dwight Howard...Do I?


Dwight Howard...

People just love to tell me I look like so and so.

As I've mentioned before, I've been told I resemble everybody from Omar Epps to Mos Def. For a while, those two names always seemed to pop up. Lately, I've been told I look like Orlando Magic center, Dwight Howard. Not so much. It all started with the homie Toby a while back, maybe as far as two years ago. We all got pretty twisted and he mentioned that I looked light Dwight. At the time, I laughed it off and blamed it on the alcohol. I didn't hear it again until earlier this year. The homie Bonsu went as far as to say I should audition for his Lil' Penny, Lil' Dwight if you will.



Some Dude...

You know what the problem might be? I smile too damn much. I'm always showing teeth, all 31 of them to be exact. DH also smiles a lot so maybe that's it. Other than that, the only similarity between Dwight Howard and I, is superb leaping ability. Well, I can't dunk anymore, but I used to hurt the rim back in the day. Anyway, I was all ready to totally slam (no pun intended) the Dwight Howard resemblance until I stumbled on the following photo.





I still don't think he looks like me, but maybe the gummy smile is what makes people point to a resemblance. Now, I'm not mad. I hear the ladies are quite fond of Dwight, so it's not a bad look. I just think the comparison is off. Do I look like Dwight Howard? Absolutely not! But then again, maybe I'm buggin'. What do you guys think?

Monday, May 4, 2009

How Honest Are You With Yourself?

I look at myself in the mirror every morning.

But, sometimes, I wish I could see myself move and interact with other people just to see what people see. That way, I may be able to better understand the next person's point of view. I don't think any of us wanna be perceived as delusional, but I think we all go through our moments. I like to think I'm able to recognize my faults rather than constantly deny and point fingers, but every now and then, it's good to have friends who pulls no punches and show you the ugly truth. Let's not get it twisted. I don't listen to just anybody. I know who has my best interests at heart, who's malicious, and who's absolutely incapable of reading properly, so I value some opinions and take others with a grain of salt. 

As of late, I've been trying to take more responsability for anything negative I'm involved in. For instance, if someone starts an argument, it may still be my fault. Knowing the person, I should know if what I say has the potential to set them off, so I can either choose to speak or remain quiet accordingly.  

The best example I can give you is probably in romance. I've been writing this blog for well over a year and I'm still single. Now, I've been meeting women at a decent rate, gone out on a decent number of dates, but still struggle someone I click with. On the other hand, I've been meeting all types of crazy chicks. Now, I could just charge it to all women being crazy, but if I keep meeting the same type of women, who's fault is it, really? I hear girls complaining about how there's no good men out there. True, there's a lot of scum. But if you keep bumping into them, you may wanna look at yourself too.

I tell people all the time, my biggest flaw is that I embrace my flaws too much. Like, I'm absolutely comfortable the way I am and don't plan on changing for the most part. Chances are if you point out something negative about me, I'll agree with you, but I still go into denial about certain things like everybody else. It's not too bad when you know you're lying to yourself, but when you're oblivious to it, it's just not a good look. I honestly don't think there's a single person out there who is 100 percent honest with themselves. Some are just more than others. 
Public perception's just a bitch. Just remember one thing, the next time you aren't being honest with yourself, somebody's most likely seeing right through you.


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

5 Reasons Why I Refuse To See Obsessed...



There are some movies I just refuse to see.

Not too long ago, I told you guys I've never seen allegedly classic movies like The Titanic, E.T. and Brokeback Mountain. I don't have anything against E.T., but it played on HBO On Demand earlier this year and for some reason I had absolutely no interest in seeing it. I have Netflix now, so I've been ordering all these classic flicks like Wall Street, Platoon and Terms Of Endearment, but you won't find E.T. In my queue. As for Brokeback Mountain, let's not even go there. I don't think I wanna see Titanic either. I mean, it's not like I don't know how the movie ends.

In any event, imagine my surprise when I saw that Obsessed, that God awful Fatal Attraction rip off starring Beyonce Knowles and the Black Brad Pitt aka Idris Elba, debuted at no.1 at the box office- generating $28 million in its opening weekend. It even topped Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr.'s The Soloist aka a movie I'm going to see this weekend. Aside from Beyonce stans, I suspect that people went to see it just so they can laugh at how bad it is. Me, not so much. I wouldn't even go if Paula Patton or some smoking hot chick invited me. Well, I might consider going, but if I did, I'd lie to ya'll about it. I won't even see it when it hits cable. As a matter of fact, here are five reasons why I'll never see Obsessed.

5. Beyonce Is In It: This chick's been acting for years now and she's hardly shown any improvement. I heard she did decent in Cadillac Records, but then again, that was a singing role. Trust, I likes Beyonce, just not when she's acting.

4. Idris Elba Has No Facial Hair In It: Idris usually rocks the goatee or even the mustache as he does as Charles Miner in NBC's The Office. But, for Obsessed, dude is clean shaven. It kinda gives him an air of douchism, which explains why he cheats on his wife in the damn movie.

3. The White Girl Ain't Hot Enough: Granted, according to the story line, this white girl is supposed to be a slut bag, but there's no way I'd cheat on Beyonce for that chick. It's just not believable. I love Jennifer Love Hewitt and I wouldn't even cheat on Beyonce with her. Maybe Alyssa Milano, though.

2. I Could Be Seeing/Doing Something Else: Dude, The Soloist is out and Wolverine (no, I didn't see the bootleg) comes out Friday. Why in the hell would I wanna see Obsessed over those? Then, next week, Star Trek comes out. If I'm not watching one of those three, I'd rather be home getting my Netflix on.

1. Beyonce Can't Act: I'm pretty sure you've seen the preview when Beyonce asks, "someone was in my house?" I don't really think she wanted to know. The way she said it, I was really waiting for her to be like, "oh, it's cool. I left the door open anyway." Plus she just doesn't look like a mother. She needs more people. Steven Seagal > Beyonce

Monday, April 27, 2009

What Are You Listening To These Days?



I don't talk about music too much on this blog, but I thought I'd make an exception today.

People always ask me, "what are you listening to these days?" The funny thing is I've been unable to answer that question the past few years. Though I listen to a wide variety of genres, hip-hop's been the meat of my musical diet for well over a decade. But in the past few years, outside of every single Kanye West release and rap records here and there, I haven't really been feeling hip-hop too much. I didn't think hip-hop was dead, but it definitely needed to be resuscitated in my opinion.

I spent these past few years pretty much digging back in time to listen to the countless records I've never heard. There's so much music out there. As much of a Stevie Wonder stan as I am, there's no way I heard his entire catalog, so I'll usually look for old records and rediscover new ones. I'm a steady digger, but as of late, I've been balancing old tunes and rediscoveries with more recent material, rap included.

I've been bumping Drake's So Far Gone mixtape for a few months now. If you aren't hip to dude, I suggest you get familiar. And let's not get it twisted, I'm not part of the heavy bandwagonism currently going on in the Big Apple. My homie Abner put me onto Drake back in '06 when he put out his Room For Improvement mixtape. He sure did improve. So Far Gone is full of bangers. I hate to like the most popular song on any CD, but "Best I Ever Had" is absolute fire. "Successful," "Let's Call It Off," "Lust For Life," "Uptown," "Little Bit" and "Unstoppable" to name a few, are also undeniable bangers. I think dude is hip-hop's next superstar. 

Rick Ross' Deeper Than Rap is pretty dope, so is Asher Roth's Asleep In The Bread Aisle. It just feels right to be a rap fan again. On a non hip-hop tip, I've also been bumping J* Davey a lot. If you have a second, peep "Slooow" and "No More" off their The Beauty In Distortion/The Land Of The Lost Double EP." The-Dream also has some heat out there. "Walkin On The Moon" is my joint. The Shaft soundtrack, Chopin's "Nocturne In E Flat Major" and Enya's entire catalog have also been in heavy rotation as of late.

What about you guys what's in your iPod, CD changer, iTunes?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Getting A Haircut=So Teh Ghey...



I definitely think too much.

My mind be wandering in all types of unecessary places. If I don't have a particular issue on the mind, my brain's busy pondering on hipothetical scenarios, daydreaming about being in the NBA or coming up with some left field theory. Here's one for you: going to the barbeshop is just about the gayest thing ever.

I don't like to think about it when I'm on the chair myself, but I did take a few notes while waiting my turn at the barbershop this past Friday. First of all, the barber gotta be all up in your face, pretty freaking close. Dude just be grabbing your head, pause, gently, lifting up your chin and in some cases I've seen, even roam around your lips. Mind you, sometimes the customer's sitting on the chair with his eyes closed...Teh Ghey! I mean, it's called a cut for God's sake. We all know what cutting means down in Atlanta, the alleged fa'nook capital of the world according to the legendary Pimp C. Next time a dude says, "I'm bout to get a cut," I'm pausing him.

Any of you guys ever noticed how teh ghey getting a haircut is? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Nobody Wants To Be Black Or White Anymore...

Me and some of my homies have had this conversation several times. 

There was a time when being any type of immigrant just wasn't cool. And I'm Haitian, I should know. Back in the day, kids kept their nationalities or heritage secret. It just wasn't a good look. As far as Haitians are concerned, the tables have definitely turned. Being Haitian is actually kinda cool now. I guess we partly have Wyclef to thank for that. It's not unusual to see random Haitian flags in rap videos. And trust me, the ones doing the waving aren't always Haitian. I saw Young City (formerly known as Chopper) from Making Da Band wearing my flag on his head in Miami last year and asked him if he was Haitian. Dude had the nerve to say yes. His name is Rodney freaking Hill. No deal! Rappers also always brag about being cool with some Goon ass Haitians. 

On another note, it sort of seems like black isn't enough. My homie Ruffian Roni was telling me how a good number of folks he's known for years started claiming a different heritage out of the woodwork. Nobody wants to be black anymore. It's the same thing with white people...at least in urban culture. I've heard plenty of ethnically ambiguous folks disclaim, "I'm not white, I'm not white. Maybe they aren't, but my money (no much) says they are. 

What do you guys think? Similar stories to share? Beg to differ?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Excuse Me, Are You Being Helped?

These salesmen never do what I want them to do.

I'd like to think I'm not the most suspect looking dude, but I get these "that guy is either scheming or a window shopper" looks fairly often when I'm out shopping. They usually deal with me two different ways: ignore me cause they don't expect me to buy anything or ask me if I'm being help in a "yo ass damn well know you ain't buying nothing anyway" kinda tone.

Take this weekend for example. I was at Best Buy looking at laptops and couldn't help but hear the salesman's pitch. It was energetic, friendly, informative, in all pretty solid. I'm not too impressionable when it comes to retail, but had I been on the fence about a purchase, dude may have convinced me to spend a few dollars. You should have seen his demeanor change when I called him over a few minutes later. Mind you, he stood close by twiddling his thumbs for a few minutes while I basically did jumping jacks to get his attention. It must be the scruffy beard.

In any event, dude came over and waited for questions rather than pitch away as he did with the previous customer. He would give me one-word answers and just seemed in a hurry to wrap up the conversation. On the flip side, I also stopped by Macy's looking for some new shoes. I didn't need to know how much disk space those Kenneth Coles or Steve Maddens had, so I didn't really feel like being bothered. Still, every other Macy's Sales Associate or whatever they're called, asked if I was helped. There was something about their tone, though. This polite and seemingly genuine gentleman eventually walked by so I asked him for help. Might as well give the commission or whatever it is they get out of making a sale to the nice guy, not one of them scum holes.

What about you guys? How do you feel about those salesmen? Are they too pushy? Do they tell you prices beforehand hinting that it's out of your price range? Do they watch you, or ignore you because you aren't likely to buy. I'm thinking it may be different for women, but I could be wrong. The funny thing is I seem to get harassed when I don't need any assistance and then can't find any when I really need it.



Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Do You Acknowledge Beggars, Or Ignore Them?



I won't lie, I usually turn the volume up when I hear, "ladies and gentlemen, can I get your attention?" on the train.

I don't know why, but I usually don't support these kids supposedly raising money for their basketball team. Perhaps because I myself took my cut from the pot back in the day. Shhhhhhhh! Don't tell my coach. The same goes for these cats doing them dance routines. They're just not that good...at least those I've been seeing on the L train as of late. Every now and then, I feel like getting up and battling them, but you know I'm lazy like that so I usually stay seated.

It's an entirely different storywith homeless people, though. I mean, every now and then, I see one bumming around with fresher sneakers than me, so I don't do nothing. I should be asking his ass for change. I give money every now and then, but usually it's like a reflex to just shrug my shoulders or say I don't have anything. But I usually have at least a few quarters on me and God knows they could use it.

Some homeless lady asked me for money at the Deli near my job today. I initial shrugged my shoulders as usual, but then I started thinking. God knows I'd want a hand if I was in her shoes. She was a sistah too. You should have seen her. Nobody would give her anything. So right when I got to the register, I checked my pockets for change and gave her a $5. She was sooooo appreciative. I feel bad cause I was a bit grossed out when shaking her hand so my grip was a bit awkward. The good thing about giving money to homeless folks is that people start following your lead. It's like they're embarrassed by holding out or something. The lady ahead of me at the register also gave her doe a few seconds later. I wanted to give her whatever singles I got back from my change so I can shake her hand properly, but she left smiling- thrilled that she had found her lunch money.

I know it's only a couple of dollars, but helping others is so gratifying. I'm gonna try to do it more often. I mean, what's a couple of singles really? I spend on little debbie and vodka, so why not help the needy? Plus I can still fit it into my $20 per week plan. I got a bunch of clothes I don't wear no more. It's time for me to stop talking and send them to Haiti for real. What about you guys? Do you give some spare change? If so, why not.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

What's Your Favorite Curse Word?



Whenever hibernating, I usually spend my weekend catching up on all my DVR recordings.

I typically dedicate a few hours to one of my favorite shows, Inside The Actors Studio with James Lipton. For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, it features Dean Lipton conducting interviews with some of Hollywood's greatest actors, actresses and directors-covering everything from early childhood and thespian beginnings to the subject's biggest successes. Lipton is an ill dude. Can you believe he's 82?

In arguably the show's most popular segment, he interrogates his guests using the Proust questionnaire. Since I'll never sit across Dean Lipton on Pace University's stage, and get a kick out of the questionnaire, I thought I'd answer the questions and ask you guys to do the same. Here we go.

What's Your Favorite Word?: I have no clue what my favorite word is, but I've been saying "chuch" a lot lately. Chuuuch!

What's Your Least Favorite Word?: Rad. Saying rad is just not...well, rad.

What Turns You On?: Anything new. There's something about traveling somewhere for the first time, being the new guy at a job, dating a new girl, finding a new passion, etc, etc.

What Turns You Off: Gratuitous drama or people who say things just to say them, but can't explain why they said it.

What Sound Or Noise Do You Love?: Laughter.

What Sound Or Noise Do You Hate?: Pain. The sound of someone in pain, either from losing a loved one or physical pain is absolutely unbearable.

What Profession Other Than Your Own Would You Like To Attempt?: If I had the talent, I'd love to play in the NBA.

What Profession Would You Absolutely Not Like To Try?: A cop. F the police.

What's Your Favorite Curse Word?: I don't curse much in english, but I do curse with some regularity in other languages. Not sure why. I have to go with, "ket." It's creole. I guess it's used in a similar context as damn, but then again there's no such thing as an exact translation. But to me, profanity only becomes vulgar when it's too gratuitous. I appreciate it in the right context. So if I'm pissed, the F-word will cover it.

Your turn.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I Don't Like Strip Clubs...




I’m probably the minority here, but I don’t like strip clubs, not big on porn and never bought a skin magazine in my life.

I have two issues of Playboy Magazine, the one with Stacey Dash on the cover and the one with Vida Guerra on the cover. I got them for free, though.

But as far as strip clubs, I guess I can’t shake the image of a loser type drooling at the sight of a pair of bare Cs he'd never come close to without tipping. I know there's more to it, I just can't shake the image. Plus, I'd rather be with a woman than looking or watching one for some kind of stimulation. I’ve roughly been to strip clubs a handful of times and it usually has to do with bachelor parties. If we’re out on the town and the fellers suggest a strip club as our next destination, I’ll probably decline. Needless to say I’m not the average strip club patron.

I think some of those guys really believe some of that crap the strippers tell them to get more singles out of them. Pfffttt! I remember this one particular strip club visit. Everybody was sitting there bored, so I just made some change and gave some to the fellers so they can go make it drizzle on the strippers. And since it’s fun to do bad things, I went over there and started messing with the strippers. They were all in my ear trying to butter me up thinking I’d start spending, but I just started talking trash. “You think I’m one of these dudes who believes all that ish,” I told one. Then, WAP, I smacked her bottom with the wad of singles I had. She actually started laughing. Those dudes were trying to rub on them and here I was cracking jokes.

So no, I don’t like strip clubs. I’ll go if it’s your bachelor party, but if not, I’m good. The occasional bangbus and celebrity sex tape never hurt nobody, but unless I’m it’s a hook up I’ll also pass. The same goes for Playboy. If I don’t care about the celebrity, I’m not reading it.

What about you fellers? Feel free to weigh in ladies.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Carl Chery Vs. Danny Tejada: Who Looks More Nervous?



About two years ago I started doing on-camera interviews for SOHH.com.

I had absolutely no training, but since I was the site's main writer, the homie Rashaun sent me to the MTV Video Music Awards' Press Junkett. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I had a mic and a cameraman I never met before. Next thing you know, publicists started bringing celebrities around for me to interview them on camera. I just started talking to them like I do my friends. I felt really comfortable. I went off the top and asked these celebs questions for hours. The next day, I went to work and got great feedback from my co-workers. Next thing you know, we started publishing the interviews online and I got some more good feedback from people. I had a ball running from red carpet to red carpet. I kinda miss it sometimes so every now and then, I log onto SOHH.com and watch some of my favorites.

I was watching perhaps my personal G.O.A.T. the other night, an interview with Vida Guerra, and decided to share it with the homie Danny Tejada. Danny's response: "you look nervous." Weird, cause I definitely felt comfy at the time. Danny then proceeded to tell me how he felt comfortable when he interviewed Chuck D a while back, so I asked to see it. Dude, 27 seconds into the interview, Chuck D tells Danny he enjoyed the drive up to the venue and D responds by nervously laughing. Wasn't nothing funny about that. So me being me, I hit him back and told him he had some nerve to talk about my nerves when he came off pretty nervous. So I told him to put his clip where his mouth is. Below, you'll see the interview Danny conducted with Chuck. Watch it and compare it with mine to determine which one of us loos more nervous. I know it's petty, but it's fun. So suck my cabbab. Since my interview is 60 seconds, make sure you only watch the first minute of Danny's clip. Don't worry, you'll only need 27 seconds. Oh and by the way, I know this is supposed to be subjective, but there is such a thing as a wrong answer here. Say Danny wins and I'll just call you crazy. After all, he already admitted that he thinks he's gonna get ethered.

Carl "Chews Gum Like A Horse" Chery Interviews Vida...


Danny Interviews Chuck D...



Don't Hook Me Up With Your Friend If She's Busted...



I can't lie. Every now and then, I start thinking I'm too damn picky for my own good.

Looks aren't the end all be all, but I won't get to know how dope your personality is if there's no attraction there. I've gone out on dates before where I tried convincing myself that the girls were as cute as I wanted them to be. They were nice, intelligent and sometimes actually kinda cute, but I guess they weren't cute enough...to me at least. And I'm not saying I'm a stud or anything, I love me some pretty faces that's all. I used to have this thing where I wanted my next girlfriend to look better than my last.

My friends apparently don't think looks are that important. My cousin Farrah will be mad at me for this, but a while back she offered to hook me up with a friend. I don't do blind dates, so I asked for a visual. I don't have a type, but let's just say the girl wasn't my cup of henny and I don't even like henny. She could have hooked me up with one of the cute friends I've seen before, but nooooooooo, I guess her damn cousin ain't good enough.

I had another "your friend ain't cute enough" episode today. A friend of mine was busting my balls about me being too picky and brought up a friend she tried hooking me up with a while back. I couldn't remember what she looked like, so I asked for a reminder. Pffftttt! Let's just say now I remember why I wasn't interested in the first place. I couldn't believe she even suggested that girl. She stood by her friend, though -arguing that she just "wasn't cute to you." I threatened to get second, third and fourth opinions and I felt like sharing visuals with you all, but that'd be pretty foul.

Truthfully, I'm a little hurt that she tried hooking me up with her. I feel like she should have known I wouldn't go for it. I mean, it wasn't even close. I would never do that to any of my friends. My fellers, I love ya'll to death, but some of ya'll wouldn't get hooked up. I may have mentioned this one before. A while back, one of my facially challenged friends asked to get hooked up while I was on the phone with a young lady. But rather than cosigning when he kept screaming, "I'm cute, I'm cute," I just gave him the phone and let him sell himself. On the flip side, fellers, I would never do you dirty. If some questionable chick wants to get hooked up, I'm gonna warn you beforehand.

This got me thinking, though. Are all girls biased when it comes to their friends? My friend wouldn't admit that her friend wasn't cute and I doubt I can find a girl who admits that her friend doesn't look as good as her competition. Ladies, are all your friends pretty? Are you biased, or do you keep it funky? Fellers, ever had a similar experience? What about you ladies? Remember, the moral of the story is, don't hook me up with your friend if she's busted.

PS: I promise I won't be nicer next time.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Like Doing Hoodrat Stuff With My Friends...


Latarian "Real Talk" Milton...

It's fun to do bad things. Those of you who've hung out with me know that I have a juvenile streak.

Never been a thug or anything, but I've always had vackquabond tendencies. Please don't tell my mom. Every now and then, I just feel the urge to do something niggorant. The good thing is I usually control my urges. The bad thing is I get pretty jerk-ish when provoked. I think I may have told you about the time I threw gum in that rude lady's hair when I was 16. Pretty bad, I know. I don't do that stuff anymore, but every now and then, I still do hoodrat stuff with or without my friends. Since a good portion of my stories are too incriminating, I decided to share the last two hoodrat things I did.

I tend to forget that women fear walking alone late at night. I understand it, but at the same time can't help but get offended when a woman steps aside to let me walk in front of her. I know she's being cautious, but again, I can't help but think this chick thinks I'm suspect. So I'm walking into my building around 7 P.M. last week when this girl in front of me turns around, slows down and then let's me walk in front of her. So I step inside, get my keys out and open the building's front door. It turns out that the chick didn't live there. She was probably just visiting a friend or something. So right when she was about to come in behind me, I closed the door on her and kept it moving. Sorry! I just had to do it.

On another note, I think I've told you guys that I'm the unofficial fastest man in the world when missing public transportation. As previously mentioned, put a MTA train or Bus at the finish line and I could probably beat Usain Bolt. It's true. I so happened to see Mr. Bolt at an NBA Live party late last year. So I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, gave him a dead ass look and told him, "I run faster than you." He gave me this "you crazy" look. Pffttt! Don't sleep.

Time to come clean now. What's the last hood rat thing you've done?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Do You Know When Somebody Likes You?

I'm not sure you guys saw He's Not That Into You, but a good portion of the film's characters were pretty much illiterate when it came to reading the opposite sex.

But I can't really knock them, I'm personally clueless when it comes to women allegedly liking me. I've never been too good at coming out my face, so I usually make sure it's spelled out rather than assume. Unless the girl tells me I L-I-K-E Y-O-U, I'm thinking she must be a nice person, nothing else. If she smiles, she's prolly showing off her teeth. If she flirts, maybe she's practicing. If I smile at you, I may actually be laughing cause you have a booger dangling off your nose.

For the record, finding someone attractive and liking them are two entirely different things. If you hear me say, "shorty's bad," please refrain from offering any wingman/wingwoman assistance. It's probably just a compliment. If it's anything deeper, I'd rather take care of it myself anyway. I remember recent instances in which my female friends claimed, "that girl likes you." I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. My boy Mark said, "there's chicks that think they're ill with the subliminals, when they're blatant.Then there's chicks that are ill with the subliminals and there's blatant ass chicks." Signs aren't always successfully read or communicated.

Taking the last few years into consideration, I usually never suspect the women who turn out to show interest. It almost always blindsides me. Like, you like me? Really? One in particular comes to mind. I never would have known. Hey, I have an idea. Let's play a game. If you like somebody, just tell him/her for a change. Who knows, maybe they like you too? It's happened to me a lot in the past. Now imagine if neither of us said anything. They would have ended up with some interior scarf-wearing douche bags.

Do you guys know when someone likes you? If so, what are the signs? If they haven't verbally expressed it, how can you be certain? Now if you excuse me, I have to log off and not follow my own advice.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Fashionable People Can't Dress...


Taz Arnold...

Most of you guys already know about my anti-fancy ways.

Here's some advice. If we're hanging out, don't waste your time pointing out this hot trendy [insert obscure supposed to be cool brand here] so so is wearing. I could give a fack! When it comes to clothes, I keeps it pretty simple. Jeans, sneakers, timbs, button down (or up) shirts, polos, sweaters and cardigans. No fur, no pink, no purple, no fuchsia, no turquoise, no lime green, no yellow, no extra zippers, strings or pockets. I like it nice and plain.

That probably doesn't make me too fashionable, let alone trendy, though. And that's just fine, cause so called "fashionable" people always seem to have some weird crap on to me. I remember back when Eve was considered somewhat of a fashionista. I never quite understood what the fuss was about. Look at Kanye. Dude pretty much looks like a moron nowadays and don't even get me started on Taz Arnold. That dude could be the absolute W.O.A.T (worst of all time) when it comes to clothes. He's at least bottom 5 dead or alive. I think everybody pretty much think they're fly, though. I guess they wouldn't wear the damn things if they didn't like them.


Taz Arnold...

But there are some good dressers out there. I won't be no homo-ing about this, but as much as he gets on my nerves, Puffy wears the hell out of a white T. He's a great dresser. Jamie Foxx and Will Smith are fly too. As for the fly women, there are just too many to name. I don't think one stands out in particular, though.

What do you guys think? Who are some of the flyest folks out there.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Here's The Sureshot Way To Win An Oscar...


Phillipe Pettit...

I know many of you probably think the Oscars are long and boring, but I didn't mind last night's show for some reason.

I watched the entire event without touching the remote much and actually laughed a few times. Tina Fey and Steve Martin killed it, I loved Phillipe Pettit, the French guy balancing his Oscar on his chin and loved anything involving a Slumdog Millionaire win or performance. Mumbai stand up! I did notice three patterns, though. If some of you are aspiring thespians and hope to deliver an acceptance speech one day, I think I have a few suggestions.

Play Gay: Sean Penn won Best Actor for playing a fa'nook, not that there's anything wrong with that, last night. Heath Ledger and Jake Gylenhall were nominated for Brokeback Mountain, Greg Kinnear for As Good As It Gets and Tom Hanks won for playing a gay guy in Philadelphia a while back. I've never seen Capote, but judging from the clips I've seen I'm thinking he was gay and Phillipe Seymour Hoffman won for that. Play gay, you'll win, if not you'll get nominated.

Play Real: Folks also seem to win or get nominated for portraying real people. Sean Penn (Milk), Jamie Foxx (Ray), Will Smith (Ali & The Pursuit Of Happyness), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Forest Whitaker (The Last King Of Scotland), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line), etc, etc.

Don't Speak English: Or don't be American. At least in this day and age. Kate Winslet won Best Actress, she's from the UK. Penelope Cruz won Best Supporting Actress, she can't speak English. Ledger's Australian. Off the top, Sean Penn may have been the only American to win something last night. Don't even get me started on all the other winners. Most of them bordeline needed interpretors. Last year Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men), Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton) Marion Cottilard (Mome La) and Daniel Day Lewis (There Will Be Blood) won top honors. That's one Spaniard, a French and two Brits, respectively. By the way, the Brits are just killing the game right now.

I initially was gonna add "Don't Be Black," but it's been better for us the last few years. Taraji P. Henson and Viola Davis were nominated this year. I think they give us one or two nods here and there now just to shut us up. But we still have a shot if we play a real person like Jamie Foxx and Forest Whitaker did.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dating In The Recession...Not A Good Look



For some reason these layoffs never cease to shock me.

I mean, I always anticipate more blood, but then I hear about so and so getting let go and it's like, DAMN! It even happened today. I've kinda come to terms with the climate, though. At this point, the only thing we can do is do our jobs and save for rainy days. I myself have turned into Super Scrooge in the past month.

I've cut down on going out and I pretty much bring my lunch into work everyday. I'm no Top Chef, but I have been cooking rather than eating out. I also try to keep my fridge full, so there aren't any late night snack trips to the store anymore. Plus I have this thing where I go to the ATM every Sunday, take out $20 and force myself to live on the Andrew Jackson through the week. It's actually not that hard. But with all this cutting back, dating's hardly been a priority.

Me and the homie Ans over at nakedwithsockson.com were just talking about it earlier today. The thing is, I don't think any of us wanna stop dating just because the economy's in the crapper. I mean, catching a movie here and there ain't too costly, but then you don't really get to talk. And unless we're talking jump offs, ain't no way the first date's gonna take place at your crib. On one hand, I'm thinking the climate will force us to come up with more creative dates, which will surely please the romantic types. On the flip side, I'm sure some chicks don't give a flying fack about your pockets and will be expecting the customary dinner and a movie, movie and drinks, drinks and dinner or whatever guys do nowadays. I'm not saying dinner's out of the question, I'm saying it's just isn't a good look for it to happen too often. That stuff piles up, you know? I personally may have to start putting my job perks to use.

What about you fellers? Has the recession changed your dating habits? If so, how so? Ladies, what's your take on this. If things keep up any longer I may start posting less relationship-related content on here. I won't have anywhere to draw inspiration from.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

You Can't Be That Busy...




I'm pretty lazy in some regards, so one of my favorite things to do is absolutely nothing.


You guys will never understand the satisfaction I get by staying home and watch movies, surf the internet for hours or just stare at the walls. I just love it. I'd love to be able to respond, "nothing" whenever folks ask me what I'm doing, but I can't. For some reason, people think being busy is cool. I guess they think free time makes them look like losers or something, like they have no life.


Being busy is like a bragging right now, it's not even a complaint anymore. Well, let me be the first to tell some of you, ya'll can't be that busy. And this doesn't only apply to romantic rapports, I get the feeling some dudes purposely respond slowly to create the "I'm busy" effect, which is pretty gay if you ask me, not that there's anything wrong with that. Granted, the phone isn't always next to us and you could also be in the bathroom, on a plane, at the movies, sleeping, in class, at work, on the train, on the phone, reading my blog, etc, etc. They could also be multitexting. There are exceptions of course. But I've seen people just look through text messages, put the phone down and then start typing away later. Let's be clear, I'm talking after work hours here. I'll be the first ignore your ass if I'm overwhelmed with work. Then again, if I'm not busy there's a good chance I'm deliberately ignoring you too.

In my case, I'm pretty frequent distracted, so if I'm off and I don't quickly respond, just blame it on the ADD. Other than that, I don't care how it makes me look, if I see the text, I hit you right back. Now, I admit that I've gotten caught up in the game before. Some of my homies and I had similar experiences a while back. The girls we were talking to would take the longest to text back, so we'd play right along and take lengthy breaks between texts. Pretty lame I know. My gut tells me we simply weren't option no.1, but who knows. I'm the wrong one to play the game, though. I'll mess around and stop texting all together. The funny thing is, once you start ignoring slow texters, next thing you know they're double texting you like, "why are you ignoring me?" which proves they were playing a game in the first place. I snapped out of it, though. You hit me, I hit you back. No thirst involved, that's just how it should be. I wish I could plead for those kind of games to stop, but I'd be wasting keystrokes.


What about you guys? Ever been through a similar situation? And don't tell me I should just call instead of texting. I'm too busy for that. :)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'm Kinda Antisocial

You wouldn't be able to tell by seeing me interacting with people I already know, but I can be kind of antisocial.

It's not that I dislike people in general, sometimes I just don't wanna pause my iPod (especially not Erykah Badu) for an awkward conversation. I think it's a comfort thing. I don't feel like having to think about my next sentence. It isn't unusual for me to see someone I know and keep it moving cause I'm in the middle of listening to some Phill Collins. If we're cool, I'll probably go out of my way to speak to you, scream over commuters' heads to get your attention or sneak up on you to catch you off guard. Granted, I'm a space cadet, so I may have genuinely not seen you. But it's also likely that I've absolutely ignored you.

I actually go to work-related functions sometimes and take advantage of anybody who doesn't recognize me. Instead of re-introducing myself, I usually just lay low and chill. The bad thing about my antisocialism tendencies is that I've never been good at being at the receiving end of it. My thing is, I'm not asking for a full blown conversation, just acknowledge a brother, salute me, head nod or something.

There have been a few episodes in which a person, who so happens to be cool with a mutual friend of ours, totally ignores me. Since I recognized them, I expected to look familiar as well. Apparently not. My initial reaction was, man, he/she's hollywood. I get a bad vibe from that person. I do always give them the benefit of the doubt. I figured that if my peoples were their peoples, the alleged snob in question must be cool peoples. I remember asking my homie about a particular person one time. "Is he cool?" I asked. My boy actually made me realize: "Maybe he thinks you're ignoring him too." He had a point. After all, I forget faces from time to time to time to time. What's worse is that I try to act like I remember them- hoping that something will trigger my memory by the end of the conversation. So the next time I saw the person in question, I made a point to say what's up. It turns out, my greeting was welcomed. I later
eventually got cool with several other "antisocial" folks. I even had to come clean and tell them, "You know, I thought you may have been a bit funny style, but you're cool as hell. My apologies." I'll never make a fuss about being ignored ever again. Every now and then, I write something off the wall like profiling train riders and surprisingly find out some of you think the exact same way. I have a feeling, this isn't one of those blogs.

What about you guys? Do you have antisocial ways? Do you on occasion see someone and purposely ignore them. Well, I have. And I've learned my lesson. I'll probably keep ignoring people when I don't feel like interrupting my Ryan Leslie. I just won't get mad when they ignore me back.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Everybody's Haitian...Will Smith & LL Cool J Too...



You "my family's not from here" people will surely appreciate this, especially Haitians.

I always tell people, there's literally a pre and post-Wyclef Haiti in the U.S. I can't stand that bloodclot Jafaikan accent of his, but at the end of the day the man wore the Haitian flag as a freaking cape at the American Music Awards...Or was it the Grammys. Forget Jean-Bertrand Aristide or Michele Pierre-Louis, Clef is our prime minister. See, before Clef Haitians used to keep their nationality on the low. Those who don't rep the flag usually get claimed anyway. Haitians are especially over the top with the draft. The second your name easily translates into french, you're one of us.

I grew up thinking all types of people were Haitian...like Big Daddy Kane. Come to find out his real name is Antonio Hardy...Not so much. To this day my brother says Ralph Tresvant is Haitian (well, he is from Boston) and you done know we claim Sydney Poitier, but he's actually bahamian. But here's the punchline. Not too long ago, I went to get a cut and my barber was babbling about Will Smith and Danny Glover being haitian. Listen, I'm an unapologetic Will Smith stan. I even have a separate Will Smith, Spike Lee and Eddie Murphy DVD section at the crib. But there's no way Will is Haitian. I appreciate everything Danny Glover has done for Haiti, but dude is American.

The funny thing is they don't always claim my ass. I usually get mistaken for being Trini or Jamaican. The OGs always know, though. They just run up on me and start speaking creole. This dude came up to me one time and started telling me all about how LL Cool J is Haitian. Another Haitian Smith? Usher is apparently one of us, but I don't claim him. Not until I hear it from the man himself. Here's a list of confirmed and alleged Haitians.

PS: Until I hear Usher acknowledge it with my own ears, his Haitian descent is just a rumor.

Confirmed: Wyclef Jean, Garcelle Beauvais, Dave from De La Soul, Chopper from Making The Band (Fack!), Pastor Troy, Jacki-O, Lela Rochon, Maxwell, W.E.B. Dubois, Jamie Hector, Tony Yayo, Gary Dourdan, DJ Whoo Kid, Mario Elie, Samuel Dalembert, etc.

Alleged Haitians: Rick Ross (Don't believe wikipedia. I asked him my damn self and he said no. YES!), Ralph Tresvant, Lauryn Hill, Usher, DJ Paul aka Paul Bauregard of Three Six Mafia, (I aksed him. He said no.) Sydney Poitier, Lil Wayne, Any Person With A French Sounding Name Or A First Name As A Last Name...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"25 Random Things I Don't Wanna Know About Yo Ass...



I don't know who started this, but there's this new thing on facebook where people tag you in a note and tell you 25 things about themselves. Phillies won!

Apparently, whoever gets tagged is supposed to follow up with a list of their own. It's like one of them chain letters, minus the threatening repercussions like, "Your internets won't work for seven days" if you don't reply and tag the person who sent it to you. Dude, true story...I got home last night and my AIM wouldn't work. I initially thought, "Damn you facebook," but it turns out I had to install a mandatory update on my AIM. Phew!

But not seriously, I've had a hard time reading through those 25 things thingies. I only made it through two of them. Maybe it's the ADD. I couldn't help but think, "25?" Don't let the blog fool you, it's actually pretty surface, so my initial thinking was, "scratch that, I don't want them to know five things about me let alone 25." But since I'm on the economic plan, meaning I've been staying home watching marathons of Inside The Actors Studio which allowed me to spend only $20 last week and I don't want my cable to go out, I decide to hop on this facebook trend and list 25 Random Things I Want You To Know About Me.

25. I woke up this morning, took a piss and washed my hands...

24. I also brushed my teeth.

23. Colgate Whitening > Aquafresh

22. I'm Djimon Honson black...(Thanks a lot Mex)

21. I'm haitian and haitians are black. Take that you penguin ass looking Toccarra!

20. Wyclef is NOT my cousin

19. I like Paula Patton

18. I met Paula Patton

17. I took a picture with Paula Patton

16. I like Kim Kardashian

15.I met Kim Kardashian

14. I took a picture with Kim Kardashian

13. Lauren London too...

12. " "

11. " "


Lauren London & Djimon Honson...

10. If I can get Maia Campbell off crack and get her to move in with me, Mark can have Freida Pinto. NOT!

9. I could have saved Lauryn Hill.

8. [Scratches head looking for more items]

7. I'll karate kid kick your dragon fly jones ass!

6. I walk fast.

5. You probably walk slow.

4. R.I.P. Pimp C

3. "CHUCH! TABARNACLE, BETCH!"

2. I used to hate my name cause I thought it was too generic. Instead, I wanted to be called John, Joe or Mike. Go figure!

1. My name is Carl.

Hurry up and do yours before something bad happens.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Look Me In The Eye When I'm Talking To You...



I always thought I was one of those folks who looked people in the eye when I talked to them.

I mean, depending on the situation of course. Guys, as homophobic as we are seem to have some kinda of defense mechanism when we talk to one another: three sentences, look away, two sentences, look up, one sentence look down, look in the eye, then stare away. Where else you think all that damn blinking comes from?

As far as I'm concerned, I tend to lock eyes longer when talking to women, especially if there's some sort of interest. I guess you're trying to read the person, so you look dead in their pupil. But locking eyes doesn't seem to be as important when the interest isn't there. There seems to be an on and off switch when it comes to grilling and I've seen it flipped many times. Like, I could be talking to a female about something and go a long stretch without breaking eye contact and then...Poof! They look away. It's like they can't look someone in the eye more than a few minutes without breaking.Some people just aren't too comfortable with eye contact. So my I've gotten into the habit of looking away periodically just make convos more comfortable. Then again, maybe I watch too much Seinfeld.

Get this, though. Me and my friend Aishah were talking the other day and she pointed out that I don't look her in the eyes when I talk to her. The thing is, she's comfortable with eye contact and isn't shy, so the periodical drift wasn't needed in this case. The thing is, I just couldn't stop looking during the conversation even when I tried to focus. It's like the look away has become a reflex...That or it's just another part of my alleged ADD. Let me beat you to the punch, here. At least one of you are thinking, "Carl is prolly just shy around her cause he likes her on the low." The thing is, she's chocolate and we all know I only mess with light skin girls right?

Sidebar: By the way, I'm highly upset. Your constant persecution has lead to my prosecution. I freakin' got subpoenad for complexion discrimination so I have to go to trial next week. Stay tuned!

But back to eye contact. Do you find that people usually can't look you in the eye, or maybe you're the drifter? I apparently can't...Sometimes.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Beauty Scale: Beauty & the Busted


Paula Patton Thicke Chery...

Men have contributed to women's delusions of beauty as much as their insecurities.

I vividly remember riding the F train back in the Jamaica Queens days and seeing some Micky D's After Dark dweller sweating this chick on the train. She was no looker, trust. In fact, she was pretty busted. Like, way below average. The thing is, she had A Phat Arssss! You swore I was watching a thriller the way I sat back, stared and refused to look away.

As busted as she was, shorty was feeling herself and totally ignored dude's "courting." Feeling rejected, the dude proceeded to, what else, insult her. "Damn, miss! I know I'm ugly, but you're ugly too." He was dead on. Momentarily breaking from my "I don't know you so I mind my business" ways, I offered some words of funkydom.

Carl: Dude, if you thought she was busted, you should have left her alone.

Dude: I know, son. I know.

Carl: Shorty's busted, but she's running around thinking she's bad cause dudes are gassing her up.

Dude: You right, son.

Pftttt! This douchehole probably tried the same thing with the next girl the second I got off the train. Now, I'm not saying women or men for that matter shouldn't be confident and have high self-esteem. But don't just tell a girl you don't think is pretty she is just because she got a bubble and all you really wanna do is grab it. That just ain't right.

I know I'm a killjoy, but it's fun for me. I'm pretty petty, picky and particular. [Blogger's Note: If anybody knows a gym where I can box against Mark, holler! We've been cyber feuding over Freida Pinto. Hey Mark, Shotgun!!!] But yeah, some folks refer to women they find attractive as cute no matter what. Me and Sam please say the Ed were just debating on this. A woman can be considered bad whether she's cute, pretty or gorgeous. Bad references the whole package, face, body, sex appeal, sense of style, etc. We did disagree on Keri Hilson, though. While I find her to be a low end cutie, Sam Ed considers her high-end— a bad one. I pretty much go by the quasi universal scale...Cute > Pretty > Beautiful...Sexiness not included, strictly faces.


New York...

Ugly/Busted/Hurt: Facially challenged. Rating: 0-4 Wifeability: 5%...Men are monsters. As previously mentioned, a donky goes a long way. Plus, Yeezy said it best: "Henny make girls look like Halle Berry to me." Under the wrong influence, dudes may do what they have to do and not tell their friends about it.


Michelle Williams...

Average/Aight/Cool/Ok: Ehhhhhh! Rating: 5-6 Wifeability: 50%...Beauty is subjective of course. Depending on the beholder, an average looking woman can be perceived as cute or ugly.


Amerie...

Cute: This is when grades get curved. Again, we all have different standards. One man's cutie is the next man's gorgeous. Pretty girls sometimes fall under cute when too young looking. Rating: 7-8 Wifeability: 80%...Must wife if she has it all together.


Lauren London...

Pretty: A certain je ne sais quoi sets them apart from the cuties. Teeth, eyes, skin tone, whatever. Rating: 8.5-9 Wifeability: 90%Unless she's crazy, you better wife it.



Beautiful/Gorgeous: Dime! Top of the food chain. Near flawlessness in some cases. Rating: 9.5 Wifeability: 95%...Wife it even if she's crazy. Well, maybe not. Still, gorgeous women get away with murder, mainly ditzism, imbecility and bitchiness.

Notice, even dimes don't get the 10. There's no such thing as perfection, but there is a penthouse. Every now and then you see a woman and just can't get over how good she looks. See Paula Patton Chery. She's like extra gorgeous— breath taking, but no need to add an additional marker. As far as sexiness, it doesn't always go hand in hand with good looks so I didn't bother. Go ahead and share your thoughts in the comment section. Now, I know better than to ask you ladies where you think you fall on the scale. You'll prolly pull a "Do You Think You're Funny" blog and all say you're gorgeous. Hey! I respect it! And compliments are great. Just know you don't need a damn man to make you feel that way.

PS: Don't take these blogs too seriously, 'cause I sure don't.