Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Look Me In The Eye When I'm Talking To You...

I always thought I was one of those folks who looked people in the eye when I talked to them.

I mean, depending on the situation of course. Guys, as homophobic as we are seem to have some kinda of defense mechanism when we talk to one another: three sentences, look away, two sentences, look up, one sentence look down, look in the eye, then stare away. Where else you think all that damn blinking comes from?

As far as I'm concerned, I tend to lock eyes longer when talking to women, especially if there's some sort of interest. I guess you're trying to read the person, so you look dead in their pupil. But locking eyes doesn't seem to be as important when the interest isn't there. There seems to be an on and off switch when it comes to grilling and I've seen it flipped many times. Like, I could be talking to a female about something and go a long stretch without breaking eye contact and then...Poof! They look away. It's like they can't look someone in the eye more than a few minutes without breaking.Some people just aren't too comfortable with eye contact. So my I've gotten into the habit of looking away periodically just make convos more comfortable. Then again, maybe I watch too much Seinfeld.

Get this, though. Me and my friend Aishah were talking the other day and she pointed out that I don't look her in the eyes when I talk to her. The thing is, she's comfortable with eye contact and isn't shy, so the periodical drift wasn't needed in this case. The thing is, I just couldn't stop looking during the conversation even when I tried to focus. It's like the look away has become a reflex...That or it's just another part of my alleged ADD. Let me beat you to the punch, here. At least one of you are thinking, "Carl is prolly just shy around her cause he likes her on the low." The thing is, she's chocolate and we all know I only mess with light skin girls right?

Sidebar: By the way, I'm highly upset. Your constant persecution has lead to my prosecution. I freakin' got subpoenad for complexion discrimination so I have to go to trial next week. Stay tuned!

But back to eye contact. Do you find that people usually can't look you in the eye, or maybe you're the drifter? I apparently can't...Sometimes.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Beauty Scale: Beauty & the Busted

Paula Patton Thicke Chery...

Men have contributed to women's delusions of beauty as much as their insecurities.

I vividly remember riding the F train back in the Jamaica Queens days and seeing some Micky D's After Dark dweller sweating this chick on the train. She was no looker, trust. In fact, she was pretty busted. Like, way below average. The thing is, she had A Phat Arssss! You swore I was watching a thriller the way I sat back, stared and refused to look away.

As busted as she was, shorty was feeling herself and totally ignored dude's "courting." Feeling rejected, the dude proceeded to, what else, insult her. "Damn, miss! I know I'm ugly, but you're ugly too." He was dead on. Momentarily breaking from my "I don't know you so I mind my business" ways, I offered some words of funkydom.

Carl: Dude, if you thought she was busted, you should have left her alone.

Dude: I know, son. I know.

Carl: Shorty's busted, but she's running around thinking she's bad cause dudes are gassing her up.

Dude: You right, son.

Pftttt! This douchehole probably tried the same thing with the next girl the second I got off the train. Now, I'm not saying women or men for that matter shouldn't be confident and have high self-esteem. But don't just tell a girl you don't think is pretty she is just because she got a bubble and all you really wanna do is grab it. That just ain't right.

I know I'm a killjoy, but it's fun for me. I'm pretty petty, picky and particular. [Blogger's Note: If anybody knows a gym where I can box against Mark, holler! We've been cyber feuding over Freida Pinto. Hey Mark, Shotgun!!!] But yeah, some folks refer to women they find attractive as cute no matter what. Me and Sam please say the Ed were just debating on this. A woman can be considered bad whether she's cute, pretty or gorgeous. Bad references the whole package, face, body, sex appeal, sense of style, etc. We did disagree on Keri Hilson, though. While I find her to be a low end cutie, Sam Ed considers her high-end— a bad one. I pretty much go by the quasi universal scale...Cute > Pretty > Beautiful...Sexiness not included, strictly faces.

New York...

Ugly/Busted/Hurt: Facially challenged. Rating: 0-4 Wifeability: 5%...Men are monsters. As previously mentioned, a donky goes a long way. Plus, Yeezy said it best: "Henny make girls look like Halle Berry to me." Under the wrong influence, dudes may do what they have to do and not tell their friends about it.

Michelle Williams...

Average/Aight/Cool/Ok: Ehhhhhh! Rating: 5-6 Wifeability: 50%...Beauty is subjective of course. Depending on the beholder, an average looking woman can be perceived as cute or ugly.


Cute: This is when grades get curved. Again, we all have different standards. One man's cutie is the next man's gorgeous. Pretty girls sometimes fall under cute when too young looking. Rating: 7-8 Wifeability: 80%...Must wife if she has it all together.

Lauren London...

Pretty: A certain je ne sais quoi sets them apart from the cuties. Teeth, eyes, skin tone, whatever. Rating: 8.5-9 Wifeability: 90%Unless she's crazy, you better wife it.

Beautiful/Gorgeous: Dime! Top of the food chain. Near flawlessness in some cases. Rating: 9.5 Wifeability: 95%...Wife it even if she's crazy. Well, maybe not. Still, gorgeous women get away with murder, mainly ditzism, imbecility and bitchiness.

Notice, even dimes don't get the 10. There's no such thing as perfection, but there is a penthouse. Every now and then you see a woman and just can't get over how good she looks. See Paula Patton Chery. She's like extra gorgeous— breath taking, but no need to add an additional marker. As far as sexiness, it doesn't always go hand in hand with good looks so I didn't bother. Go ahead and share your thoughts in the comment section. Now, I know better than to ask you ladies where you think you fall on the scale. You'll prolly pull a "Do You Think You're Funny" blog and all say you're gorgeous. Hey! I respect it! And compliments are great. Just know you don't need a damn man to make you feel that way.

PS: Don't take these blogs too seriously, 'cause I sure don't.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Drunken Scale: Stages Of Intoxication...

People never like to admit being drunk for some reason.

I don’t get it. If I'm plastered, I'm plastered. It’s not embarrassing until you dance on tables or puke on the dance floor. I swear, people be throwing up, wiping the dinner off their mouths and disclaiming, “I’m not drunk, I’m not drunk.” So, since I had nothing better to do, I thought I’d create a Drunken Scale complete with symptoms to determine when we can no longer claim sobriety. Here we go.

Buzzed: Senses aren’t impaired yet. Liquor has clearly infiltrated the system, but not enough to have completely breached sobriety. One or two drinks away from .08 blood/alcohol level depending on the weight. Symptoms: None: Throwupability: 1%...Unless, it’s indigestion-related, throwing up is practically impossible.

Tipsy/Nice/Right: Senses slightly impaired, yet intoxication still invisible to the naked eye. Symptoms: Gratuitous smile, courage. Carl Says: The tipsy may approach a woman with more ease or dance more than usual. Throwupability: 20%...Still pretty likely. See Buzzed.

Drunk/Bent/Blasted/Plastered/Faded/F*ckedUp/Twisted/Hammered/Crunk/Trashed//Lit/Wasted/Shitfaced: Senses highly impaired, especially sight. Likely to mistake busted to average looking women for dime pieces. Symptoms: Brutal honesty, emotionality, delusion, slurred speech, frequent speech, nonsensical speech, bad posture, narcolepsy (aka dozing off), shamelessness, homosexual tendencies (not that there's anything wrong with that). Carl Says: The Drunk just can't shut up. Whether spilling his guts, revealing supposed secrets, reminding his friends he/she loves them or telling a new acquaintance they're cool, the Drunk just can't shut up. Also prone to bad decision making, embarrassment and kiss girls (whether man or woman). Throwupability: 50%...Depending on the person's tolerance, the number of drinks and the span in which they were consumed, likely to throw up, be hung over, suffer from a headache, or all three.

Black Out/Gone: Code red. May end up in a bath thub, face down on the toilet or a stranger's bed. Symptoms: Memory loss, schizophrenia. Carl Says: The point at which the Drunk acts totally out of character and remembers nothing of it the next morning. Throwupability: 60%...The forecast predicts intestinal precipitations.

Incapacitated/Done: Senses critically impaired. May end up in the ER with a pumped stomach. Symptoms: Unresponsive (aka can't walk, can't talk, can't move). Throwupability: 90%

This scale is pretty loose of course. I've been everything from buzzed to drunk and even blacked out back in my teens, but I rarely throw up. Never been incapacitated either. Thank God! I'm done testing my limits. Tipsy is the way to go. Just enough of a buzz to have fun and wake up sober the next day. I'm sure I forgot plenty of symptoms. Any suggestions? What point on the scale do you usually reach?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

It's Not My Fault, The Recession...

The last time I wrote about the recession, some of my buddies hit me up like, "dude, that blog depressed the hell out of me."

Sorry, fellers. It sure wasn't my intention. But we all know folks are losing jobs left and right. Me and a few friends were talking about it just the other day. Something has to give. Pretty much everybody is expecting the economy to get worse before it gets better. Meanwhile, the cost of living is still sky high. I'm hearing the MTA is about to hike prices on their metro cards. Dude, why? There aren't any jobs out there, how we supposed to pay?

Let's be fair, here. If the economy is crumbling, the cost of living needs to be adjusted accordingly. One thing I've been saying for a little while is that landlords need to lower the rent. One of my co-workers mentioned that her lease is up this year and that the landlord already announced that he'll be raising the rent come signing time. It's not like someone else will be able to afford the darn place if your tenant opts to move. Nobody has money.

That's pretty much the tune we've been singing as of late. It's a recession! Whenever someone asks me what I'm doing for the weekend, I usually reply, "I'm staying in. It's a recession." It's actually turning into a great excuse. I figure I might as well turn the recession into something positive. It's now my new excuse for pretty much everything whether it's money related or not. For instance, if I choose not to drink during a night out, it's a recession. Sorry I didn't call you back, it's a recession. I'm still wearing the same white on white Air Force Ones I bought last summer, it's a recession. Sorry I'm late, I missed my train. The Phillies won, the Eagles lost. It's a recession. It's a recession. Seven Pounds sucked. It must be the recession.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

How To Approach A Woman 101...

Don't get it twisted, I'm not getting on here with the pretense of putting on a clinic or giving any pointers. To each his own, really.

Aside from inferior attempts like, "Damn, girl! You look good and shit," I'm thinking any mean of introduction is fair game. I'm also wondering how important the approach is. Per most women I know, good looking guys get away with a whole lot. Not to say they can just be reckless and still expect good results, but he isn't forced to keep his game in tip-top shape like the more average looking feller.

As I've mentioned before, I personally don't believe in game. I think any type of line is just about the corniest way to make a first impression...Unless you're a woman. Women just be so slick in their approach. We ought to learn a thing or three from them. But hey, that's just my take on lines. I'm sure the common poultry loves her some Dolomite, which is probably why I can't stand these pelicans and woodpeckers. I've noticed that I'm usually unable to recall my approach whenever I first meet women. It's like I black out or something. I may have said this before, but if I keep reminding my boy, "shorty is kinda bad" ten minutes after first noticing her, chances are it's not gonna happen. It means I'm thinking too much. I'm pretty likely to go over there and say something stupid, so I just call it a day.

If it's to go down, you're more likely to turn around and see me talking to a shorty. And don't ask me what I did, I couldn't even tell you. I just sleepwalk over there and talk. I don't believe in game, but I do believe in laughs. I usually get overly silly, so much so that I at times catch myself thinking, "what the f are you talking about?" I remember striking a conversation with this girl a while back. It all started with her complimenting the Polo.

The Girl: I like your shirt.

Carl: Thanks! I like your face.

The Girl: [Laughs]

I said it so fast I kinda caught myself off guard, like...What? And no Farrah, she wasn't laughing at, but with me. Don't try to jab on here and text me later, punk! :) My apologies if you guys had to witness a little family dispute just now. It will happen again. In any event, I always find it interesting to learn about other dudes' approach. Some of my homegirls have actually told me about my homies trying to kick it to them. Let's just say their tactics were interesting to say the least.

Fellers, I'm curious to know what you usually do when it's crunch time. Ladies, what about you? If you're not the type to step forward, what kind of introduction are you used to hearing?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Classic Movies I've Never Seen

My friends and I watched the Steelers Vs. Ravens game at this spot in the city this past Sunday.

The funny thing is, we barely got to see any of the game, we were just too wrapped up in our conversations. Aside from discussing prime meeting locations, we talked about our favorite movies and sitcoms of all time. You already know mine: Seindfeld. Surprisingly, one of my boys told me he had never seen an episode of Seinfeld ever.

As much as I love the show, I can't really knock him. Everybody Loves Raymond isn't as popular, but it had a great run and I've never seen a complete episode. My big sis bought me the DVD for Christmas so I guess I'll soon be crossing Ray off my list. But it got me thinking about legendary shows and classic movies I've never seen before.

I've never seen Titanic. I actually did so purposely. I was still in my teens at the time of its theater release and it was advertised as pretty much the greatest love story ever. My macho side kicked in and I refused to see. It showed on TV years later, but I never bothered watching it. It's kinda crazy, cause I'm sort of a movie buff, but never bothered seeing some of the top grossing movies of all time. Aside from Titanic, I've never seen E.T., Jurrasic Park, any of the Shreks, any of the Lord of the Rings and all Harry Potters except the first ones. E.T. was recently on HBO on Demand and I just didn't feel like watching it for some reason. As for Lord and Harry, I just never got into it, but do want to see them. I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but that's about it off the top.

What about you guys? Any obvious TV shows of classic movies you've never seen?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Clubs Are The Best Places To Meet Women...

My dating life's pretty much been the same the past few years.

I meet girls, but hardly ever become interested no matter what. Of course, I take full responsibility. I just seem to always find something wrong with the prospects. Not to say I'm God's gift to women, far from it. Compatibility just isn't something I take too lightly, so I get even more particular when it comes to romance. I initially didn't think I was to blame for meeting the same woman over and over. After all, I have absolutely no control over meeting Harlem women in both the city and Brooklyn. It just seemed to happen that way. But the thing is, I always seem to meet them at parties, bars or clubs whenever I do go. Frankly, I'm sick of it. But where else am I supposed to meet someone really?

Folks refuse to acknowlege the club as a legitimate meeting ground, but it makes our lives that much easier. At this point, most of us have it down to a science. We know what to do, what to say and when to say it. It just doesn't apply anywhere else. An overwhelming amount of women I've spoken to over the years have co-signed the train as an acceptable approach location. The first step doesn't seem like an easy one, though. Commuters are pretty anti-social to begin with, so it seems like any approach requires some kind of interruption, which just feels rude and just isn't a good look. Like, shorty is listening to her iPod and you cut in for a commercial break.

I've also heard of coffee shops and book stores. But again, what's the approach? Is that decaff? I heard this book sucks? Perhaps? As for work, it's out of the question for me. I mean, some of my co-workers have found love, married or have kids, but I just couldn't picture myself getting involved with a co-worker. It's sort of a rule of mine. Then again, if Freida Pinto was to be my new co-worker, I'd probably try to break it quick fast.

I actually think college was the best place and time to meet people. But seriously, I don't think the club is the best spot to meet women, I just think it's the easiest. The thing is, whether people admit it or not, a large part of going out is to meet people. It's part of the agenda. My friend also mentioned bars and lounges, but what makes them any better than clubs? I think clubs are dissmissed because if it works out, nobody wants to say, "Yea, I met my wife at Mansion. I seen her shaking her ass, so I jumped behind her. It was love at first hump." Plus the club is just more of a fooling around type of scene. The train or book stores just sound better. What I like about the book store is that the hook up has to just happen...At least in my opinion. Like, s0mething has to spark the conversation rather than one of the two, intentionally starting it.
Anyway, where do you guys usually meet people? Ladies, is there such a thing as a bad place? Fellers, how do you usually approach a woman? Now if you excuse me, I'm heading to Barnes & Noble.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Girl Ain't Even Black, White Or Latina...

Freida Pinto...

I've mentioned playing in the snow before, but it's never bee too serious.

Besides this one bunny I dated for two weeks back in the day, I've never had a white girlfriend. I've met all types of women, but always went black when it came to wifin' it up. Well, I love the sistahs, but I think I'm ready for something Indian woman that is. Have any of you seen Slumdog Millionaire? By the way, Slumdog came out in '08 and I hadn't seen it when I wrote my movie of the year post. That being said Slumdog Millionaire >>>>>The Dark Knight.

But yeah...I went to see the flick with my homie Jesus and his wife last Friday. I don't want to spoil the movie, but I can understand Dev Patel's character (Jamal) being so enamored with lead actress Freida Pinto. Ask Jesus, I couldn't stop talking about her after the movie. Now that I think about it, that's why I lost all them Wii games and got my ass whooped at NBA Live, I just couldn't focus. Yeah, I think that's it.

I even called Reagan Gomez-Preston and told her it was over between us. Man, that Freida is kinds of beautifuls, plural. She isn't too curvy, but I'm a faceman and her visage is so gorgeous I could care less about her alleged 27-20-27 measurements. Since she's one of 2008's breakout stars, I'd have no problem being a stay home dad. After all, I got plenty of practice with Reagan's kid. But this time, we'd have babies of our own. Man, we'd make some beautiful little video girls...Maybe a quarter back too, the first Indian-Haitian professional football player perhaps?

Indian girls usually don't mess with us black negras, but the good thing is she probably hasn't been that Americanized growing up in Mumbai. Mark, stay away from her...That goes for you too, rappers!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

If I Was On Twitter (Don't Twitter Just To Twitt, You Twit!)

Well, I am on twitter...Finally! Better late than never.

I joined twitter roughly a month ago after succumbing to peer pressure. At first I didn't really know what to make of it, so I'd say stuff nobody gives a fart about like, "I'm taking a dump right now" while trying to figure it out. It seemed pretty dull at first, but I now find it to be a pretty fun tool. For those of you who aren't familiar with twitter, it's (displayed on the upper right corner) some sort of social networking thingy where you can follow people's every move, pretty similar to facebook's "What are you doing right now," but in an on going capacity. To follow someone is the myspace or facebook equivalent to being their friend. You can only be updated on people's moves if you follow them and people can't know what you're doing unless they follow you. So, as you can imagine, people who follow you may take offense that you aren't following them.

To keep it funky, I'm combing my "following" list as we speak to un-follow a few folks. My co-worker, Gang Starr Girl said it best. People on the internet think they're stars. Someone's left elbow could be featured in a clip and they'll twitter it (or is it tweet?) and try to get some attention off it. I'm just now starting to clock in more twittime, but was somehow listed among 100 people to follow on twitter in a recent The Rap-Up Entry. They had me listed among bloggers. First off, I'm not a blogger, I just post a lot. Secondly, big up to Rizoh. I appreciate the love, but I don't think congrats are in order or anything. That list was the last thing some of the featured twitterers needed.

I personally love twitter's web of conversations, or when folks post interesting links. It's one thing when celebrities like Shaq overtwitter. After all, we're obsessed with celebs. How else would you explain TMZ? But the average twitterer needs to stop acting like we care if he goes to the freakin' bathroom. Forgive me for being so anal, pause, I just can't help it. These non-important people acting importants are quickly turning me into a twitter bully. It's making me get on my own nerves. That's how much it's bothering me. Forgive me, but I'll have to take some of my pals for example. Earlier today, one of my boys twittered: "I'm in DMV Hell" to which I responded, "Shut up, dude! We don't care." Now, had Shaq been at the DMV, that would have made for an interesting twit. You and me, not so much. Going through twitter today, I saw people quote songs we've already heard(what's the point?), get their reverend run on with some baththub ass proverbs, details on what they had for lunch or sharing that they're brushing their teeth, scratching their asses or watching TV...Dude! Phillies won and the Eagles beat the Giant last week. Don't twitt just to twitt, you twit. Silence is underrated.

I know I'm no fun and being a ball buster here, but I can't help it, so stop acting important, cause your followers are laughing behind your back as we speak. And don't act like you don't care, we know you do.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Is It Cool To Date Your Boy's Ex?

It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none.

I can't front, I take pride in my wingman skills. If there's one thing I brag about, it's being the self-proclaimed wingman G.O.A.T. I've set most of my friends up on a platter at least once and I always complain about the lack of reciprocity (minus one exception). I even hooked up a close friend with a girl I briefly dated back in my teens. I know it may sound foul, but we only dated for two months and developped little to absolutely no feelings for one another. There was no history there. Plus, the hook up actually took place years later. Me and my boy weren't pals back when me and shorty dated, so it wasn't premeditated. He inquired about a shorty he met from around my way and it turns out I dated her briefly, so I offered my assistance.

That was then, though. I'd never do it now. I don't look at any chicks my dudes talk to and I'd appreciate it if they did the same. Now, some of my boys who shall remain nameless clearly feel different. They can see me talk to a girl one day, bump into her the next and ask for updates. If the rapport doesn't seem to be progressing fast enough for their taste, they ask for my blessing to pursue something. Vultures! I mean, we're human and some of my homies have been with some bad ones, but I just wouldn't allow myself to go there. Unless we somehow become rich and famous. I already told me friends. If Paula Patton dumps my friend and tells me she wants me a few months later, tough luck, Jack. I'm wifing that. The same goes for Mel B. and two handful of others. But seriously, I'm pretty strict about it, but where is the line drawn. How close of a friend do you have to be? Can exceptions be made?

A friend of mine recently came to me with an interesting dilemma. He was contemplating hooking up with this girl who had previously been intimate with his friend's friend. Mind you, friend circles collide every now and then, so they had definitely hung out together in the past. But it's not like the were buddy buddies. He also wasn't the aggressor. She approached him, but does that really make a difference.

What do you guys think? Is there a loophole? Or can't we talk to anybody who knows somebody we know, period?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Who's Going To D.C. For Inauguration

Barack Obama's upcoming inauguration is likely to go down as the most contradictory day ever.

On one hand, it's the day many think black folks shall finally overcome- officially crowning a black man as the leader of the free world. It doesn't get much more progressive than that. On the flip side, loads of folks will be doing the stanky leg at unofficial inauguration after parties. Let's be clear, I love black people, but I can't stand niggers. And D.C. is likely to be a damn zoo on the days leading to inauguration- lots of poultry and folks acting a monkey...Picture Memorial Day in Miami, the Super Bowl and NBA All-Star Weekend². It will be niggorant. They're reportedly expecting 4 million people.

Word is Jay-Z will be performing and you already know Diddy's tap dancing ass will be there. I doubt they'll be part of any official festivities, but they'll be there. I'm not sure all of you are aware of it, but reports say Puff, Hov and other celebrities were told to stay away from Obama's election festivities in Chicago back in November. I'm thinking they didn't wanna take chances with any hip-hop affiliation after Ludacris' Hillary and McCain disses somehow came back to bite Barack during the presidential race. Let's face it, Obama owes a lot to the youth vote, which hip-hop is a big part of, but why can't it just be about exercising your right and doing something you should have done years ago. Frankly, I'm irritated at the thought of all these rappers trying to front like they're so cool with Barack. We don't have to hip-hopify everything. No need to call him a hip-hop president or nickname him Obeezy. That's the last thing he needs.

On another note, I just can't believe Martin Luther King Day fell a day before Inauguration Day. You just can't make that stuff up. Awwwww, man! Black folks will be calling in sick and coming in late that Wednesday. It may seem like it, but I'm not mad at folks heading to D.C. I understand their need to witness history- to be able to tell their kids they were close when the first black president was inaugurated. Shoot! Should the opportunity come my way at the 11th hour, I would ponder going. I'm just amazed at the irony- one giant step forward and perhaps some steps back.

So, who's going? Whatever you do, please just don't get arrested.