Monday, March 23, 2009

Excuse Me, Are You Being Helped?

These salesmen never do what I want them to do.

I'd like to think I'm not the most suspect looking dude, but I get these "that guy is either scheming or a window shopper" looks fairly often when I'm out shopping. They usually deal with me two different ways: ignore me cause they don't expect me to buy anything or ask me if I'm being help in a "yo ass damn well know you ain't buying nothing anyway" kinda tone.

Take this weekend for example. I was at Best Buy looking at laptops and couldn't help but hear the salesman's pitch. It was energetic, friendly, informative, in all pretty solid. I'm not too impressionable when it comes to retail, but had I been on the fence about a purchase, dude may have convinced me to spend a few dollars. You should have seen his demeanor change when I called him over a few minutes later. Mind you, he stood close by twiddling his thumbs for a few minutes while I basically did jumping jacks to get his attention. It must be the scruffy beard.

In any event, dude came over and waited for questions rather than pitch away as he did with the previous customer. He would give me one-word answers and just seemed in a hurry to wrap up the conversation. On the flip side, I also stopped by Macy's looking for some new shoes. I didn't need to know how much disk space those Kenneth Coles or Steve Maddens had, so I didn't really feel like being bothered. Still, every other Macy's Sales Associate or whatever they're called, asked if I was helped. There was something about their tone, though. This polite and seemingly genuine gentleman eventually walked by so I asked him for help. Might as well give the commission or whatever it is they get out of making a sale to the nice guy, not one of them scum holes.

What about you guys? How do you feel about those salesmen? Are they too pushy? Do they tell you prices beforehand hinting that it's out of your price range? Do they watch you, or ignore you because you aren't likely to buy. I'm thinking it may be different for women, but I could be wrong. The funny thing is I seem to get harassed when I don't need any assistance and then can't find any when I really need it.



Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Do You Acknowledge Beggars, Or Ignore Them?



I won't lie, I usually turn the volume up when I hear, "ladies and gentlemen, can I get your attention?" on the train.

I don't know why, but I usually don't support these kids supposedly raising money for their basketball team. Perhaps because I myself took my cut from the pot back in the day. Shhhhhhhh! Don't tell my coach. The same goes for these cats doing them dance routines. They're just not that good...at least those I've been seeing on the L train as of late. Every now and then, I feel like getting up and battling them, but you know I'm lazy like that so I usually stay seated.

It's an entirely different storywith homeless people, though. I mean, every now and then, I see one bumming around with fresher sneakers than me, so I don't do nothing. I should be asking his ass for change. I give money every now and then, but usually it's like a reflex to just shrug my shoulders or say I don't have anything. But I usually have at least a few quarters on me and God knows they could use it.

Some homeless lady asked me for money at the Deli near my job today. I initial shrugged my shoulders as usual, but then I started thinking. God knows I'd want a hand if I was in her shoes. She was a sistah too. You should have seen her. Nobody would give her anything. So right when I got to the register, I checked my pockets for change and gave her a $5. She was sooooo appreciative. I feel bad cause I was a bit grossed out when shaking her hand so my grip was a bit awkward. The good thing about giving money to homeless folks is that people start following your lead. It's like they're embarrassed by holding out or something. The lady ahead of me at the register also gave her doe a few seconds later. I wanted to give her whatever singles I got back from my change so I can shake her hand properly, but she left smiling- thrilled that she had found her lunch money.

I know it's only a couple of dollars, but helping others is so gratifying. I'm gonna try to do it more often. I mean, what's a couple of singles really? I spend on little debbie and vodka, so why not help the needy? Plus I can still fit it into my $20 per week plan. I got a bunch of clothes I don't wear no more. It's time for me to stop talking and send them to Haiti for real. What about you guys? Do you give some spare change? If so, why not.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

What's Your Favorite Curse Word?



Whenever hibernating, I usually spend my weekend catching up on all my DVR recordings.

I typically dedicate a few hours to one of my favorite shows, Inside The Actors Studio with James Lipton. For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, it features Dean Lipton conducting interviews with some of Hollywood's greatest actors, actresses and directors-covering everything from early childhood and thespian beginnings to the subject's biggest successes. Lipton is an ill dude. Can you believe he's 82?

In arguably the show's most popular segment, he interrogates his guests using the Proust questionnaire. Since I'll never sit across Dean Lipton on Pace University's stage, and get a kick out of the questionnaire, I thought I'd answer the questions and ask you guys to do the same. Here we go.

What's Your Favorite Word?: I have no clue what my favorite word is, but I've been saying "chuch" a lot lately. Chuuuch!

What's Your Least Favorite Word?: Rad. Saying rad is just not...well, rad.

What Turns You On?: Anything new. There's something about traveling somewhere for the first time, being the new guy at a job, dating a new girl, finding a new passion, etc, etc.

What Turns You Off: Gratuitous drama or people who say things just to say them, but can't explain why they said it.

What Sound Or Noise Do You Love?: Laughter.

What Sound Or Noise Do You Hate?: Pain. The sound of someone in pain, either from losing a loved one or physical pain is absolutely unbearable.

What Profession Other Than Your Own Would You Like To Attempt?: If I had the talent, I'd love to play in the NBA.

What Profession Would You Absolutely Not Like To Try?: A cop. F the police.

What's Your Favorite Curse Word?: I don't curse much in english, but I do curse with some regularity in other languages. Not sure why. I have to go with, "ket." It's creole. I guess it's used in a similar context as damn, but then again there's no such thing as an exact translation. But to me, profanity only becomes vulgar when it's too gratuitous. I appreciate it in the right context. So if I'm pissed, the F-word will cover it.

Your turn.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I Don't Like Strip Clubs...




I’m probably the minority here, but I don’t like strip clubs, not big on porn and never bought a skin magazine in my life.

I have two issues of Playboy Magazine, the one with Stacey Dash on the cover and the one with Vida Guerra on the cover. I got them for free, though.

But as far as strip clubs, I guess I can’t shake the image of a loser type drooling at the sight of a pair of bare Cs he'd never come close to without tipping. I know there's more to it, I just can't shake the image. Plus, I'd rather be with a woman than looking or watching one for some kind of stimulation. I’ve roughly been to strip clubs a handful of times and it usually has to do with bachelor parties. If we’re out on the town and the fellers suggest a strip club as our next destination, I’ll probably decline. Needless to say I’m not the average strip club patron.

I think some of those guys really believe some of that crap the strippers tell them to get more singles out of them. Pfffttt! I remember this one particular strip club visit. Everybody was sitting there bored, so I just made some change and gave some to the fellers so they can go make it drizzle on the strippers. And since it’s fun to do bad things, I went over there and started messing with the strippers. They were all in my ear trying to butter me up thinking I’d start spending, but I just started talking trash. “You think I’m one of these dudes who believes all that ish,” I told one. Then, WAP, I smacked her bottom with the wad of singles I had. She actually started laughing. Those dudes were trying to rub on them and here I was cracking jokes.

So no, I don’t like strip clubs. I’ll go if it’s your bachelor party, but if not, I’m good. The occasional bangbus and celebrity sex tape never hurt nobody, but unless I’m it’s a hook up I’ll also pass. The same goes for Playboy. If I don’t care about the celebrity, I’m not reading it.

What about you fellers? Feel free to weigh in ladies.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Carl Chery Vs. Danny Tejada: Who Looks More Nervous?



About two years ago I started doing on-camera interviews for SOHH.com.

I had absolutely no training, but since I was the site's main writer, the homie Rashaun sent me to the MTV Video Music Awards' Press Junkett. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I had a mic and a cameraman I never met before. Next thing you know, publicists started bringing celebrities around for me to interview them on camera. I just started talking to them like I do my friends. I felt really comfortable. I went off the top and asked these celebs questions for hours. The next day, I went to work and got great feedback from my co-workers. Next thing you know, we started publishing the interviews online and I got some more good feedback from people. I had a ball running from red carpet to red carpet. I kinda miss it sometimes so every now and then, I log onto SOHH.com and watch some of my favorites.

I was watching perhaps my personal G.O.A.T. the other night, an interview with Vida Guerra, and decided to share it with the homie Danny Tejada. Danny's response: "you look nervous." Weird, cause I definitely felt comfy at the time. Danny then proceeded to tell me how he felt comfortable when he interviewed Chuck D a while back, so I asked to see it. Dude, 27 seconds into the interview, Chuck D tells Danny he enjoyed the drive up to the venue and D responds by nervously laughing. Wasn't nothing funny about that. So me being me, I hit him back and told him he had some nerve to talk about my nerves when he came off pretty nervous. So I told him to put his clip where his mouth is. Below, you'll see the interview Danny conducted with Chuck. Watch it and compare it with mine to determine which one of us loos more nervous. I know it's petty, but it's fun. So suck my cabbab. Since my interview is 60 seconds, make sure you only watch the first minute of Danny's clip. Don't worry, you'll only need 27 seconds. Oh and by the way, I know this is supposed to be subjective, but there is such a thing as a wrong answer here. Say Danny wins and I'll just call you crazy. After all, he already admitted that he thinks he's gonna get ethered.

Carl "Chews Gum Like A Horse" Chery Interviews Vida...


Danny Interviews Chuck D...



Don't Hook Me Up With Your Friend If She's Busted...



I can't lie. Every now and then, I start thinking I'm too damn picky for my own good.

Looks aren't the end all be all, but I won't get to know how dope your personality is if there's no attraction there. I've gone out on dates before where I tried convincing myself that the girls were as cute as I wanted them to be. They were nice, intelligent and sometimes actually kinda cute, but I guess they weren't cute enough...to me at least. And I'm not saying I'm a stud or anything, I love me some pretty faces that's all. I used to have this thing where I wanted my next girlfriend to look better than my last.

My friends apparently don't think looks are that important. My cousin Farrah will be mad at me for this, but a while back she offered to hook me up with a friend. I don't do blind dates, so I asked for a visual. I don't have a type, but let's just say the girl wasn't my cup of henny and I don't even like henny. She could have hooked me up with one of the cute friends I've seen before, but nooooooooo, I guess her damn cousin ain't good enough.

I had another "your friend ain't cute enough" episode today. A friend of mine was busting my balls about me being too picky and brought up a friend she tried hooking me up with a while back. I couldn't remember what she looked like, so I asked for a reminder. Pffftttt! Let's just say now I remember why I wasn't interested in the first place. I couldn't believe she even suggested that girl. She stood by her friend, though -arguing that she just "wasn't cute to you." I threatened to get second, third and fourth opinions and I felt like sharing visuals with you all, but that'd be pretty foul.

Truthfully, I'm a little hurt that she tried hooking me up with her. I feel like she should have known I wouldn't go for it. I mean, it wasn't even close. I would never do that to any of my friends. My fellers, I love ya'll to death, but some of ya'll wouldn't get hooked up. I may have mentioned this one before. A while back, one of my facially challenged friends asked to get hooked up while I was on the phone with a young lady. But rather than cosigning when he kept screaming, "I'm cute, I'm cute," I just gave him the phone and let him sell himself. On the flip side, fellers, I would never do you dirty. If some questionable chick wants to get hooked up, I'm gonna warn you beforehand.

This got me thinking, though. Are all girls biased when it comes to their friends? My friend wouldn't admit that her friend wasn't cute and I doubt I can find a girl who admits that her friend doesn't look as good as her competition. Ladies, are all your friends pretty? Are you biased, or do you keep it funky? Fellers, ever had a similar experience? What about you ladies? Remember, the moral of the story is, don't hook me up with your friend if she's busted.

PS: I promise I won't be nicer next time.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Like Doing Hoodrat Stuff With My Friends...


Latarian "Real Talk" Milton...

It's fun to do bad things. Those of you who've hung out with me know that I have a juvenile streak.

Never been a thug or anything, but I've always had vackquabond tendencies. Please don't tell my mom. Every now and then, I just feel the urge to do something niggorant. The good thing is I usually control my urges. The bad thing is I get pretty jerk-ish when provoked. I think I may have told you about the time I threw gum in that rude lady's hair when I was 16. Pretty bad, I know. I don't do that stuff anymore, but every now and then, I still do hoodrat stuff with or without my friends. Since a good portion of my stories are too incriminating, I decided to share the last two hoodrat things I did.

I tend to forget that women fear walking alone late at night. I understand it, but at the same time can't help but get offended when a woman steps aside to let me walk in front of her. I know she's being cautious, but again, I can't help but think this chick thinks I'm suspect. So I'm walking into my building around 7 P.M. last week when this girl in front of me turns around, slows down and then let's me walk in front of her. So I step inside, get my keys out and open the building's front door. It turns out that the chick didn't live there. She was probably just visiting a friend or something. So right when she was about to come in behind me, I closed the door on her and kept it moving. Sorry! I just had to do it.

On another note, I think I've told you guys that I'm the unofficial fastest man in the world when missing public transportation. As previously mentioned, put a MTA train or Bus at the finish line and I could probably beat Usain Bolt. It's true. I so happened to see Mr. Bolt at an NBA Live party late last year. So I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, gave him a dead ass look and told him, "I run faster than you." He gave me this "you crazy" look. Pffttt! Don't sleep.

Time to come clean now. What's the last hood rat thing you've done?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Do You Know When Somebody Likes You?

I'm not sure you guys saw He's Not That Into You, but a good portion of the film's characters were pretty much illiterate when it came to reading the opposite sex.

But I can't really knock them, I'm personally clueless when it comes to women allegedly liking me. I've never been too good at coming out my face, so I usually make sure it's spelled out rather than assume. Unless the girl tells me I L-I-K-E Y-O-U, I'm thinking she must be a nice person, nothing else. If she smiles, she's prolly showing off her teeth. If she flirts, maybe she's practicing. If I smile at you, I may actually be laughing cause you have a booger dangling off your nose.

For the record, finding someone attractive and liking them are two entirely different things. If you hear me say, "shorty's bad," please refrain from offering any wingman/wingwoman assistance. It's probably just a compliment. If it's anything deeper, I'd rather take care of it myself anyway. I remember recent instances in which my female friends claimed, "that girl likes you." I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. My boy Mark said, "there's chicks that think they're ill with the subliminals, when they're blatant.Then there's chicks that are ill with the subliminals and there's blatant ass chicks." Signs aren't always successfully read or communicated.

Taking the last few years into consideration, I usually never suspect the women who turn out to show interest. It almost always blindsides me. Like, you like me? Really? One in particular comes to mind. I never would have known. Hey, I have an idea. Let's play a game. If you like somebody, just tell him/her for a change. Who knows, maybe they like you too? It's happened to me a lot in the past. Now imagine if neither of us said anything. They would have ended up with some interior scarf-wearing douche bags.

Do you guys know when someone likes you? If so, what are the signs? If they haven't verbally expressed it, how can you be certain? Now if you excuse me, I have to log off and not follow my own advice.